Hi LostnHurt,
This life RIGHT NOW isnt much fun. You'll have fun again, I promise. Life is more than one crummy person who treats us poorly.

Redhat: THANK YOU for volunteering!

Medusa, I am terribly sorry. You express exactly why I've taken that option off of the table. People can get so lost. It's so horrible for those left behind. Please take care of yourself this weekend. I'm really sorry - Dru

Thanks Dru, I will keep that in my mind. I am still hanging in here. Redhat, thanks for the information. I will remeber that number. My D mentioned suicide once too. It scared me a lot. She is only 12.

People,

I know it is wrong but I too looked very carefully at some of the larger steel telephone poles on the way to work for a few days.

Trust me, I wouldn't do it now but anything 5 weeks ago seemed better than the pain I was experiencing at the time.

The third day in a row I looked at them, I got to work and a co-worker asked me a technical question about a network. I answered him(it was something he should have known) and he said "You're a good man, Thanks for not making me feel like an idiot, you always have the answers"

Even though I don't always have the answers(especially right now) It hit me....I AM a good man, I AM a good man.

It hit me that I AM a good father and no matter what, I have to be here to make sure my 4 beautiful children are raised right no matter what!

I think God sent him to me that day, I think God put him in my path with a stupid question so he could tell me "I am a good man"

If not, who knows what I would have done the 4th day?

I don't....

BrokenHubby

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor, And many more. It may take 3 or 4 to find the right one. Some work in one day, most take a few weeks to realy know if they are working... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a history of depression and suicide in my fmaily. I have always known this and I never gave in because I KNEW the feelings were from chemicals in my brain, etc. and I never let REAL LIFE get to me ... until I ended the affair. I uess I just dind't know what feelings to have. I wanted to hate her and love her at the same time. And then something weird happened last week. My W and my mom and a friend all gave me the same advice! They told me to stop obsessing over her. As soon as OW enters my head --- change my thoughts. Think about something else! Anything! And I have. Then last night I fell asleep early and woke up at 3:00 a.m. My mind was filling with ALL the thought I have not been thinking about. It was horrible. I have not slept since. But I am going to stick to my strategy. I know with time, I will think about OW less and less. After all, my W and family deserve my time and energy and thoughts. Not HER.

And as for HATING HER .... well, for the first time in my life I am on anti-D. Lexapro cost me $48.00 at WAL-MART with my insurance! Damn! Now I really hate her! Isn't there anthing chepaer out there? I'm not poor ... just frugal! Ah, what the heck, I'll admit it. I'M CHEAP!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Medusa:
<strong> Suicide is not the answer to the pain, fear and depression many are going through. The saying, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is so true. And the legacy it leaves behind is beyond comprehension. For your children and all the people who will be affected by your death, and there are usually many more than you may think, there will be an increased likelihood of some of them taking the same way out someday. And even if they don't, you will be sentencing them to a lifetime of guilt, hurt, pain and unanswerable questions about why you chose to leave them, why you chose to inflict so much pain on them and why you didn't love them enough to keep fighting to survive.
In addition to the pain, there will also be tremendous anger. At times, the people closest to you will curse you, wish they could do you physical harm, and yes, they will hate you. At times. Then the whole cycle of pain and guilt will start again. So many happy times will turn sad because they wish you were there to share that moment or because they are unable to be truly happy because you are not there. Your pain has ended, their's has just begun.
My husband committed suicide on Oct. 3, 2004. 6 months ago this Saturday. My life will never be the same again. I would not wish this on anyone, I would never leave this legacy to the people I care about.
Leanne </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read Medusas post over and over until it sinks in. What she wrote is so true. These are the thoughts that went through my head and kept me from carrying out something that would have been so selfish. I still have occassional thoughts of giving up this fight and ending a painful life, but I know I won't ever do it because the people I love matter too much to me to hurt them so deeply and in a way that they could never understand. I think that I will read this post anytime my mind starts thinking crazy thoughts. Medusa your post made me cry it hit home so much. I'm so sorry that your h chose this way out <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

(((toomanylies)))
Thank you, if what I say can make even one person think, it's worth it to go through the pain it causes to write it. I wish I could be eloquent enough to be able make a bridge between the people contemplating suicide and the people they will leave behind but I'm not. I just know that it solves nothing. It doesn't end the pain, it just ends your life and a huge part of the lives of the people left behind. No one "wins" with suicide.

interesting topic orchid...

i called my husband the other night to tell him i was depressed...
he asked me why...
because suicide seems like a reasonable option, was my reply...

what's stopping me?...
i'm afraid that if i commit suicide it will put me back to square one and i'll have to start over again...
i'm not thrilled with life...
i certainly don't want to have to start again...
once has been too much...

so, i keep thinking about it...
we all die...
i don't think it's a bad thing...
my only fear of death is reincarnation...
i'm hoping that when we get to the other side we have a choice...
this is not something that i'll do again willingly...
so, for now i'm stuck serving my time...

oaktown...

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

I may have been one of the others who was seen with suicide references in a post. I will clarify--I don't see myself as a serious risk. This is primarily because of my religious beliefs, but also because I wouldn't want to leave my children without me.

But I will admit that there have been brief thoughts during very painful periods where I've thought I couldn't take another second of the pain and even thought of how it might be done.

I do agree that not all A/D's work the same. Celexa actually works fairly well for me, though I will have to switch soon because my insurance company just removed it from their formulary list and I can't afford full price. I will be left with Paxil, Zoloft and Lexapro as choices. Paxil is the one I CANNOT take. I can't sleep, I yawn constantly, it has serious sexual side effects with me (not that that should be an issue right now), and I have have tremors. Zoloft I've never tried but heard from my Dr. that it's side effects would be similar to Paxil. So I'll probably ask to try Lexapro.

I've actually also taken Serzone which made me feel so weird I probably could have committed suicide and not cared. I went off that stuff pretty fast! BUt someone else I know took it and it was great for them.

We're all different.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostnhurt:
<strong>She is only 12. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my county actually the service is call Youth & Family Crisis Center. We deal a lot with local high school or middle school counselors who refers their students to us. You could also call on her behalf (3rd party call) and we could help you to do CPR to asess your D situation. Don't take it lightly.

-rh-

Glad to see participation on this subject. It is a hard yet sensitive topic but one that crosses many a BS mind and even WS minds from time to time. Yes, even children suffer from this malady.

What we can we can see is that these thoughts do creep up into our minds and how we learn to deal with it is important. We can learn to help each other here, get over that crisis.

You should not be surprised to learn that many of the OTs here at MB went through the same thought process or lack thereof. I know I was helped several times when I thought I had just about lost my mind.

In reality, my mind was never lost, just a bit clouded over. I learned to focus and focus hard on what was good and important in my life. My R w/God, son, family, friends...... in that order. The WS was not one I wanted an R with. That R belonged to my H and if the H was lost and only the WS remained, then I had to learn to move forward.

It was critical that my mind and heart be in sync. Disoriented thoughts of suicide or lack of self worth run rampant when the mind and heart are not in sync. Thinking clearly is difficult. That is why keeping focused is vital.

Suicide is the end of a life, end of an R and not a respectful act to our loved ones, including the one who gave us life. Yet some feel that is the only way out. Some of us know someone who have made that choice. For those, the need to live takes on a deeper meaning. I know it was hard for H to think of suicide because he lost his older brother that way a few years ago. Yet as a WS, that thought was very common.

When your WS tries to lay the suicide guilt on the BS, ask him/her..... if your A R is sooo great, why are your contemplating suicide or even mentioning it? Why isn't the OP taking care of the EN that removes suicide as an option? DON'T take the blame for their feelings like that. The WS' know the BS do not wish their spouses any ill will.

For the BS, know that suicide is NOT the answer. It is an excuse at best and one your family will never ever get over. My H lost his brother, my grandmother lost her 1st H that way......both were tragic uncessary losses.

Medusa, thank you for sharing your story. As painful as it is, your story can help those here see the need to keep on moving forward. I am truly sorry for your loss. {{{hugz}}}}

I will be forevre grateful to those who posted to me in my time of need. Seemed like my life was on the edge and would never migrate back to a resemblence of normalacy. But it has.

To all of you , I'd like to share that same hope. Your life seems like it is in despair. You are going through hard times but not more than you can handle. Strength and support come from around you, above and you within you.

Hope this helps,
L.

I'm outta this life right now, sorry I have not read all these psts, but I am so friggin fed up they would not register anyhow. I am sooooo pissed off.

Please check out Takolas post about hotlines in Australia. ((((((HUGS)))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mtheart:
<strong> I'm outta this life right now, sorry I have not read all these psts, but I am so friggin fed up they would not register anyhow. I am sooooo pissed off. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mtheart,

why? venting here is ok if it helps you regain your composure.

L.

There was a day, a very bad day, when I curled up in the basement under an afghan and all I could think about what ending everything.

DD was 16 days old that day. The only thing that got me out of that thought pattern was deciding that I wanted to know her when she's 16 years old, too.

And after I got out of that place, I got angry. Really, really angry. Angry that I had ever allowed anyone to treat me so badly that I couldn't even see that there are other ways out of awful situations.

That was the day that I accepted that I would end our marriage before I allowed it to destroy me, no matter how much I wanted to save it.

I'm here today because I put my own life ahead of my marriage.

I'm here today because I put my daughter ahead of my marriage.

I can't and won't recommend divorce to anyone. But I will say this. Your life is more valuable than your marriage. And so are the lives of your children. If a marriage is to have any chance to be healed, it MUST protect those things.

Internalizing our stresses causes much hurt. Venting here c/b healing.

mtheart, I saw your thread. Please work with your immediate support group. When you can, please come back and post.

MB was and is a great place of support to me. When I had those awful feelings of despaire, MB was one of the places I came to straighten my head out.

I am happy to say that now my mind and heart are in sync.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Thanks,
L.

Someone posted that if you commit suicide then the OP has won. Haven't they already? I mean in my situation the OW has my life. All my hopes and dreams are hers now. OW has used phony suicide attempts to try and keep WS. It's worked.
Doesn't matter that my heart is broken in a million pieces. She's won. At least for now.

Why think suicide when homicide is so much more fun? As Syrus said:

"De inimico non loquaris sed cogites."


In other words, "Don't wish ill for your enemy; plan it." If you have any competitive streak at all, use it. Think of "winning." Don't let WS and OP "win." Think of coming out ahead.

It's easier than you think. Give it a little more time. Check out my post to ChristyV for some thoughts on the topic.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>