</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Susan, it's more than that. She is chasing him, which only makes it worse. She is the one baiting him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, you're right... of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

At least I was honest with the new title of my post...I AM a control freak. And when I can't control it, I go nuts trying to understand it.

I'm still at work. It's 11:40pm. Ask me why? Do they pay me extra? NO! I guess because I feel like I need to be in control somewhere.

I was sitting here taking a 30 second mental break and it hit me--it is VERY likely that I will be divorced from this man who for whatever reason I've been telling myself all along will be back.

It hit me just what he is doing (having sex with the OW, loving her, wanting a future with her). This is the boy I started dating at 15, the one I married at 19. It makes me ill. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am going to speak to him tomorrow if he calls. I may even ask him to lunch (stupid as it may be, but we have several issues, financial and other that he does need to address with me, and it isn't working over the phone.)

If he doesn't go to lunch, or if he is still in contact with her, I know, I have no choice other than to stop talking to him--at all (unless DD cuts her wrists up and ends up in the pysch ward again).

Am I crazy for thinking it's worth holding out right now and not filing D? Am I equally crazy for my timeline of filing on June 30 if he's not given her up?

(Melodylane--I'm surprised you actually posted. I had long since given up on hearing from you again. I miss your (and Ark's) posts. You may think they didn't help, but they did give me something to think on.)

LL

You are getting closer and closer to implementing a REAL Plan B....but PLEASE give Plan B an honest REAl try before going to Plan D!!!


Before going to Plan B though...give him the best picture of you departing...

Go to lunch and say sweet things, compliment him, call him loving names. DO NOT mention the OW and the A unless it has to do with how hurt you are. Do not remind him how he's let you down. If he's anythign like my H, he gets angry at the messenger for 'making' him feel guilty. Admire him, give him affection, be loving and NON-CONTROLLING. How long can you keep this up? Only you know. When you feel your love disappear, then it's time for a Plan B!!! And a real one this time.

What does Jennifer say?

SHMI,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does Jennifer say? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've only spoken with her once so far. We were waiting to see if WH gave notice on his apt, and if he didn't, I was supposed to go down to an "almost" Plan B, where he could still call me, but I wouldn't call him. And she said if all I wanted to ask was "have you done N/C yet?" and if he hung up at that point, then I hadn't LB'd and I had my answer. If he said "I'm very close", then I'm supposed to tell him how excited I am, but that I want to save my energy for when we are rebuilding our relationship.

Of course if we needed to discuss the kids, that was still permitted, but supposed to keep conversations short and not see him at all.

However, he DID give notice on his apt (which means he has to make a choice of where he's going by the end of April), but he's still seeing OW, too.

So I'm not as sure of what to do. I have my 2nd session with Jennifer on the 14th. I will ask him if he'd like to participate, though I expect it will be "No".

He didn't respond to my lunch invitation today. He did call and ask if DS's car will be around this evening so he can come up and put the body clips on it. However, it's vague--I can't tell if he wants me to be there, or if he's going to try and do it before I get home.

So, I guess the answer is...I'm not sure what the heck to do. Because he's out of a place to live at 4/30, I'd like to build up all the love I could on the chance that he would be willing to give "us" another try at that point. But this is getting difficult for me. I still love him very much. It's not that I want a D, it's just that I'm getting very frustrated.

I was on line today checking his bank balance to see when I could txfr the child support money. I see he took OW out to eat both nights a weekend ago (again, once to a place that WE used to go), and they bought some kind of tickets at our auditorium (a concert, maybe?).

That irks me. He has enough to spend the money on her, but then it leaves him short to pay me and I have to wait. Hello???!!! (But I know, I can't say a word about it. I shouldn't even be looking at what he spends his money on.)

LL

As for inlaws, I do have their support as a person they care about. And I had a nice chat with FIL today--called to see how he was doing. He apparently had some heart complications today so is still in the hospital, but we visited a while and he asked what the latest was on WH.

However, I know that because FIL and step-MIL are a product of an A that ended in them marrying, they can't do much about WH. In fact, because they started over in mid-life, I think they're open to him doing the same, if he feels his M hasn't been good (and right now, I know he feels like it's been 19 years basically wasted.) MIL's son also divorced recently after a 10-year M. His W was seeing an OM, but now they've decided they never had a good M and D was the right thing to do. Bad examples for WH! Family full of D!

He did come to the house tonight to fix DS's car. He looked at mine as well and first sort of got upset, then calmed down a lot and actually said it didn't look that bad and gave me some history on the body shop guy I'm going to have look at it.

He stayed a bit and we visited, but I always go back to R talk and ask if there's hope for us (BAD of me), and of course that makes him angry.

We really didn't fight. In fact, by the time he left we were getting along okay, though not exactly warm. We did hug several times, and he kissed me, and when I tell him I love him, he does tell me he loves me, too.

But he was supposed to head to mutual friends' tonight on his motorcycle (he was on it when he left my house), and hasn't arrived there yet.

Instead of trusting God that he's okay, I'm worrying now that he's been in an accident (because it's dark and really too cold to be riding and they live in a rural area on seldom-traveled roads), or am thinking he went to see OW (which I can't control) because she must have left no fewer than 5 messages in the short time he was here.

He did freely own up to going to a rodeo with her (that would be the tickets I saw that he purchased) and she took him to "Rent" at the Civic Center on tickets her mom purchased. He's NEVER gone to a live performance of anything with me--EVER. And when I said to him, "If I'd have asked you to go, would you have?", he said probably not. I guess he went because the tickets were free. But I pointed out that these are things I would enjoy doing if I were given the chance.

I did tell him I felt lonely and like I'd been abandoned. He went off on his tangent about how he didn't have to come fix DS's car or do some of the other things he did tonight. I stopped him and said, "It's not that. It's that I feel my best friend, my husband, the guy I do everything with, the man I'm supposed to make love to has abandoned me. He's not here anymore."

That sort of shut him up.

I know this isn't Plan B, but right now I'm not sure how to play it until I talk to Jennifer again, since he DID give notice on his apartment. However, he said tonight that he thinks he's going to move into our travel trailer (it's parked at mutual friends' and it would be warm enough by then to use it for the summer. They have electic he could hook up to).

I of course wasn't thrilled to hear that. I've asked him if he wants to be part of the call on the 14th with Jennifer. It might just be wasting my money to let him talk to her. Do you think it would help? He hasn't said yes, but hasn't said no either. He's contemplating it.

On a brighter note, he did say when he left that he'd call me and maybe we could go to lunch or something. It's the first time he's asked me to lunch or anything with him since before he moved out in February.

I'm nervous and I'm rambling. Need sleep. Need to trust God that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. Gotta' let go of control...

LL

Pretty good visit with H,

But mostly you should keep your comments to yourself. No more harping about the living arrangements, or that you would have liked to have gone to see a live production. No more telling him what you are happy or unhappy about his life...

There will be time for that later...when you both are back together and you have time to talk with him, you can bring these things up one at a time over YEARS...but you are bombarding him now with questions, judgements, and gentle harassing.
Who would want to come back to this?????

Sorry to be so rough, but he was right, he didn't have to come over. he was testing tosee if you had changed...and guess what he found out?

Maybe he won't end up with OW, but you gotta think what he's getting out of her, and it's not all sex...think about it...she needs him...she looks up to him...she is doing her utmost best to keep him around. These are some pretty strong needs he is getting fulfilled by OW. What needs are you fulfilling? Security? He rides a motorcycle, I don't think that's a strong need of his. Financial security? Sounds like he wants to be a bit reckless with money right now...

He seems like he has gotten out from under your thumb, and he likes it.

So.....how can YOU change the situation at home? How can you show him the M will be more equal if he comes back?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So.....how can YOU change the situation at home? How can you show him the M will be more equal if he comes back?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe that IS the problem. Maybe I don't have anything he wants or needs to come back to. Maybe there are no needs that I can meet anymore.

That's what's starting to frighten me. And if I can't meet any for him because she's meeting all of them, how do I even know if I have to go through the pain of losing him permanently, if I'll be able to meet anyone's needs?

LL

But you have met his needs before...you met his needs so well he married you. You are the better person, the person he chose. But something happened in these years since you were M.

Years of resentment have entitled your Taker to come out and not fulfill his needs anymore. Each of you expecting the other to fulfill their needs, but not doing any needs fulfillment for the other...or worse, fulfilling needs that aren't important to him.

That's the problem H and I got into. I was working incredibly hard at fulfilling his needs of conversation, honesty, and financial security...but these were MY needs, and not his needs at all. I was spinning my wheels, resenting him, and working hard at doing nothing. He really wanted admiration, affection, and SF. Those were easier for me to accomplish.

What are YOU working hard at? And are they the needs that he REALLY needs?

I'll give you a hint, admiration, affection, attractiveness of spouse, domestic fulfillment, SF are usually the biggies for men...do any of these sound like him? And is there anything you can do to start fulfilling these needs? A glowing letter filled with admiration?

Yes, OW is fulfilling these needs, but you do it better, you just haven't...yet.

I'll give you a hint, admiration, affection, attractiveness of spouse, domestic fulfillment, SF are usually the biggies for men...do any of these sound like him? And is there anything you can do to start fulfilling these needs? A glowing letter filled with admiration? Yes, OW is fulfilling these needs, but you do it better, you just haven't...yet.


Without him filling out the EN questionnaire (because I could never get him to do it), admiration, domestic fulfillment, attractiveness of spouse, and SF are his biggies right now. SF is sort of out of the question, based on our current circumstances, and OW has the right curves that I lack, so she'll beat me on it anyway. As for the others, I'm working on them. Domestic fulfillment (or lack thereof) was the initial excuse he gave for the A. That one is hard, too, because he's not living at home, but when he's there, I try to make it look nice. It's a wreck right now because of my late work hours the last two weeks, but I finished my audits at noon today (yeah! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) so life should return to semi-normal from a work perspective now.

He told me several days ago that maybe he'd take me to lunch, and has been calling me daily to just tell me to have a good day, etc. So today I hinted at the lunch thing (pretty strongly) again. He did take me. I could tell he wasn't comfortable at first doing it, but I tried my very best to have no R talk which apparently was a good idea.

While we were driving back, he said, "I was going to call you before I picked you up and tell you not to talk about our relationship. See how much better we get along when you don't?"

I bit my tongue, and told him I was working hard at not bringing it up. I wanted to say "Yeah, because you can have her as your lover and have me as your friend." But I know, I have to become his friend again or there's no chance of him falling back in love with me.

I'm just afraid he'll think we can do this "friend" thing forever and he can have her as a partner forever and life will just be grand.

So I guess right now I'm sort of back in a Plan A again. I did tell him I didn't just want to be his friend forever, and asked if it was wrong to have hope that he'd be my H again. He got sort of tense, and said "No, now stop talking about it." So I did.

Will he ever give her up? That'd be the BIG question. And I'm trying to detach emotionally.

If he does move to our camper at the end of the month, he won't have the financial woes he's having right now because the payments are a lot lower than rent. This will allow him to easily carry on his little game for longer (and for her to sleep in the bed that I used to sleep in if she visits.) But he can't live in it in the late fall and winter here in Iowa, so I guess sooner or later he'll have to decide something. It just seems SO far away.

I talk again with Jennifer on the 14th. I'm going to try and just hold steady until then. Still trying to get him to sit in on the call, but he's still not sure he wants to.

LL

Hi LL! I just wanted to point out that the emotions of a practicing alcoholic are warped and not like those of non-alcoholics. Here are the top 5 emotional needs of a practicing alcoholic:

1. BOOZE
2. BOOZE
3. BOOZE
4. BOOZE
5. BOOZE
6. BOOZE


Remember, like Steve Harley says, it is impossible to meet the needs of an addict and this is why.

I know a need is booze. But...

A) I'm going to Al-Anon to learn to detach but to still love the person and respect them for who they are right now (been to three meeting now). The one thing that is stressed more than anything else (that I'm trying hard to grasp but have't yet) is that we are NOT responsible for the actions of others. We only control our own actions. I interpret this as I can't stop him from drinking. I can only decide if I'm willing to tolerate it or walk away from it--and I'm not ready to walk away yet.

B) Although he IS still consuming some alcohol, he has GREATLY reduced the amount right now from being drunk on his fanny nightly and passing out from hard liquor to just having a few beers each night. When I've seen him or talked to him over the last couple weeks, this has been apparent. Not healed--still a practicing alcoholic, I know, and that amount could change in an instant, but my point is that he is trying hard to restrain himself, despite the stress and uncertainty he's feeling in his life.

We spoke just a little while ago. While I am well aware he is still seeing OW and he doesn't try to deny it, he brought up on his own again that we are getting along much better than we were.

I thought it would be a good time to say "You do realize that I don't want to just be friends with you, divorce you, and have OW be your partner? I want you to be my friend AND my H."

He said, calmly, that he was well aware of that. I dropped the subject because "calmly" is the key point there. He is being more calm with me right now. While he hasn't assumed any responsibility for his actions, he's not blaming me either at this point.

So hopefully I can hold things together until I talk to Jennifer next Wednesday and not LB.

LL

LL,

I am really glad that you are going to Alanon. They are absolutely correct when they teach that you cannot change the alcoholic, only YOURSELF. You have to set boundaries around yourself, though, to prevent them from walking all over you. And its often those boundaries that motivate them to change. But again, they have to be the ones who decide to change. And they will never have motivation to change if there are never consequences for their actions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">B) Although he IS still consuming some alcohol, he has GREATLY reduced the amount right now from being drunk on his fanny nightly and passing out from hard liquor to just having a few beers each night. When I've seen him or talked to him over the last couple weeks, this has been apparent. Not healed--still a practicing alcoholic, I know, and that amount could change in an instant, but my point is that he is trying hard to restrain himself, despite the stress and uncertainty he's feeling in his life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't mean to dash your hopes, but this doesn't mean anything. Alcoholics change patterns all the time, it doesn't mean they aren't alcoholics. It's not the amount they drink, but what happens when they DO drink.

Yes, yes, yes, there are great opportunities for you to bring up what is wrong with the situation and how you are having a hard time with it.

No, No, No don't tell him what to do. "I don't want you to treat me just as friends."

When the need arises, tell him how hurt you are that you have to share him. Tell him how jealous you are. Tell him YOUR feelings...let him make up his own mind about what to do about it...

How do you do this?

He: Can I see you again tomorrow? We are talking much easier.

You: (thought...Ugh, how can I put up with this, I don't want you to think this is OK forever).
I love seeing you, but it is hard for me knowing you go back to her. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I love you though!

Don't ever ask about his progress on moving, or seeing OW, these will be things he will tell you when he decides he wants to move back. You ask him now and he'll only feel guilty about his lack of decisions.

Me and my big mouth. I've already told him today on the phone when he told me that he was feeling "trapped" this weekend by OW that he could make the decision to change that. Drat!!

Had sort of an odd weekend when it comes to feelings. After our discussion on Friday about getting along better, he said he was going to call me and check in over the weekend. He didn't. Instead, he did get his text messaging working and sent me a couple texts just saying that he was feeling trapped and couldn't get a moment's peace.

I didn't respond to them. I didn't even want to respond to them. I actually kept fairly busy cleaning the house, going to church, and then going to my sis's for Easter, and found myself not thinking that much about him, and that was a really GOOD feeling.

I know it sounds counter-productive to saving a marriage but it's the most peaceful I've felt in a while, and I was hoping it would stay.

We have Disney reservations in May that I made months ago, to coincide with a company trip that I have to make, and he has until 4/15 to decide if he's meeting me down there on his Harley. I'm seriously doubting it.

So yesterday, although I am so strapped for $ that I have no idea how DS is going to UofI this fall, I booked Disney reservations for 7 nights in mid-June and put three plane tickets (Me, DS, & DD) on hold on my frequent flier miles--the miles I'd saved up so WH and I could fly to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary next January.

I'm stupid. I should save the money. I will need it if I have an emergency. But if WH doesn't come back, I need a vacation memory that doesn't include him. I need pictures, movies, etc. that I can watch and not get sad when I see him. And DD only wants to go to a beach or WDW, and frankly the WDW vacation will be just as inexpensive as a beach, because I got a discounted rate at the resort.

So here I sit. I have a session coming up with Dr. Jennifer Chalmers on 4/14 that I've asked WH to sit in on if he wishes (I don't think he wishes, though). I have a 4/15 deadline for his decision for the May vacation. If he says "no", then I cancel those reservations and take the kids in June without him. That is not a marriage-saver, but I don't know what else to do.

I've already removed all my family photos from my walls because it hurt too much to look at them. I've also moved his remaining clothes to the unused side of DS's closet. WH was suprised at that when he stopped by last weekend, but again, I told him, it's because I hurt when I look at them every day.

I don't want a D, but this A has now been out in the open for 6 months and no end in sight. I've spent every weekend but two without him since mid-December. It's like he just forgets I exist on weekends. I want a life, too. I want to have a companion to do things with on weekends. And I feel trapped, because I'm married, but my partner is not my partner and is living like he's married to someone else.

I am especially cold-sounding today on the phone because I think my body is making a valliant attempt to fight off the stomach flu my DS had on Friday. I know I came across as cold and uncaring when WH called. I then left a message to try and apologize for it, and imagine I only made it worse. I haven't heard from him.

I feel like no matter what I do, I just make things worse. Today I miss him more, probably because it's the weekday and he's called, and that makes me think about him. I want my weekend feelings back. I want to not care anymore. It was as good as I've felt in a LONG time.

LL

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Hmmmm, sounds like you are making progress, going to alanon, and cleaning.

I changed around my whole house when WH moved out. Now it looks like he never lived there. It makes me feel great.

So continue on the path, you are making steady progress.

Well, I called him, innocently enough to ask about something else, and ended up talking R again. My fault. We could just speak as friends, but I had asked if he'd like to come to dinner some night this week. He said that sounded okay but is avoiding Wednesday night because that's the night that Jennifer and I speak again and he doesn't want to be in on it.

So I said that I really do enjoy spending time with him, but want him to understand that it's hard for me on weekends because they're always reserved for OW. I want him on weekends, too.

And then he said his famous, "I'm working on it--I really am." (I've heard this for 4 months now). I said, "Are you really ever going to leave her?" Of course he says he is. (And probably tells her the same thing about me.) And then I said, "I really am excited if you are working on it (that was okay), but I'll believe it when I see it (that was NOT okay)."

That made him less than cheery and he said he had to go.

So, I didn't leave tonight's conversation very well. Pushed back into her arms again, I'm sure. I know on one hand, I should welcome a chance for him to let me back in his life, because it may be a foot in the door to our relationship getting better, but on the other hand, I don't want to be his weekday girl and have him be with her every weekend.

As for the May vacation, it's sounding like a no-go. Even before I said what I did, I reminded him of the 4/15 deadline, and he said he has so much that needs done with the cycle, that he can't do it and swing the camper payments, too.

(This is stupid, by the way, because the camper is $300 less per month than he was paying for rent, and he was able to make those payments.)

At that point I reminded him that I was hoping we could sell the camper because the proceeds were slated to pay off the home equity loan I'm currently paying. And he said, "but you won't be making the camper payment." And I reminded him that I haven't made a camper payment yet from my money. I set aside payments from bonus money before we separated to pay them through March, with the intent it would be sold in April.

So now his rent goes down, so he has $300 extra/month to live on, and I'm still stuck with home equity loan payments.

And I feel depressed again because his tone was distant (probably because I brought up R), and I'm getting that "I'm going to lose him and be single for the rest of my life" feeling again.

I want my weekend feelings back!!

LL

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

One small ray of hope, maybe? He did call me back and we talked for almost 1/2 hour. We did go down the R road, and it hurt because he admitted there are times where he's ready to end it with OW and there was a day a while back where he was ready to call me and tell me to file for D. (That was what really hurt, and then I realized I've had those same D thoughts about him, and yet I don't really want it.) I asked him if he wanted me to file, and he said "No, if you did, we'd both be totally screwed."

He's obviously still very deep in the fog. But I did ask him if he tells her that he's leaving me, and I do believe him when he says he doesn't. He said she keeps telling him to D me and he's explained to her that he's been married for more than a year (her M length, while she was with H anyway) and that it's very difficult to throw away 20 years with your best friend, and leave her and your children.

He also still has Jesus in his heart, as he admitted flat out he prays that he will call him home and get him out of this, and that one of the only things he still trusts is that Jesus is his salvation. This is good, because I was afraid he'd tossed all faith aside. I will continue to pray that God works in his heart.

He did say OW told him that if he goes to FL and brings me back on the Harley, that's it between them (If I really believed that was true, I'd float him a loan to get his bike fixed).

He's pretty sure he's moving to the camper in 3 weeks but admitted he's not totally comfortable with that idea either. He "knows" what he should do--come home and be a husband and a father. He "knows" that's the ethical and moral correct choice. (Again, he said this without prompting, so I suppose I should now cease and desist with all the "You know what you should do." comments? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

He even said he wished he just had his old life back but that he is so deep in this mess, he can't get himself out.

Obviously, he's thinking with his feelings instead of with logic, which is exactly what Dr. Chalmers told me in our first call (and is exactly what all the other WS's are doing). It's just that since he wasn't willing to end his A on D-day, or at least try, I feel like there's so much less hope for our marriage. I worry that his feelings for me will continue to decline and his feelings for her will continue to increase.

Well, right now it's time to be a mom. I'm off to the grocery store to buy real food for the kids--something they really haven't experienced for the last two weeks with my late hours. They've been living on Eggo waffles and McDonalds.

LL

Sweetie- Yours sounds just like mine. The A could be, would be, should be, and is almost over. I have been hearing that for 9 months.

Look at his actions, not his words. Otherwise you may be very disappointed.

Believer,

This is my fear--that he'll be saying this forever. Like I said, he's been telling me he's "working on it" since December. Actions say otherwise.

Do you think your WH will ever lose his infatuation for OW and come back to you? I'm afraid mine will just want to continue this way to eternity, but it's so hard to just give up hope and move on, too.

And I'm so tired of people around me telling me that being single for the rest of my life might be better than this. I'm 38. I don't want to spend the next 40-50 years without a partner. I really, really don't. We all have our weaknesses. Some people drink, others smoke. I don't like being alone--period. I'm not one of those "I am woman-I can do it all" people. I can do most everything, but I don't want to. I want a man to lean on as my strength, to love me, to want to be with me, to share my time with.

And as I told my WH yesterday, I want that man to be him, because I love him and we share 23 years of memories that can't just be erased.

But will he ever come back. Or will I still be in this exact same position next Christmas?

I keep going back to that "6 months in the light of day" statement in SAA. This A is there at the end of the month. Why is it still alive?

LL

Well, tomorrow night is my next appointment with Jennifer, and I'm not even sure what to talk about. WH DID give notice on his apartment as Jennifer hoped, but DIDN'T go to N/C with OW (and frankly hasn't slowed the A one bit). Now he's not wanting to move back home but instead is planning on moving to our camper stored at a friend's house. I'm sure this is to continue the A. I want to do what I can to give the M a chance, but am not sure how many more sessions I can afford.

I am feeling rather down on my hope again today. To make myself feel worse (not intentionally) I went to some websites on divorced woman over 35 (odds aren't that great of remarriage) and to some Christian sites on divorce (which reaffirm that I can't marry someone else unless they're widowed, never married, or a victim of betrayal by their own ex-spouse). Further downing my odds.

And really, I don't want anyone else. I don't want to be single either--not at all! I still want WH. I can't get past those memories. 48 hours from now is my absolute deadline for him as to whether he is going on the Harley to FL in May. I'm already 99% sure he's not. I was SO hoping it would all be over and we would be rebuilding by then--holding to the "affairs don't survive 6 months in daylight" statement from SAA.

This is obviously a "soulmate" A, and a bad one at that, because even though OW has so little to give (no job, no $, no place to live, no car), she also requires virtually nothing and is still content to be with WH, and she makes him feel young and exciting.

My 14-year-old DD is asking about every other day now, "Any new word on Dad?" She even commented last night when I overcooked her steak that Dad could always cook the best steaks. (And he does.)

I want my old life back. Do any of you reading this ever feel like you can't take the pain much longer? (Not that I have a choice--it's not like I can just get off the ride now.)

LL