I am quite sure your WH will be back to the marriage. It would help if you could stay in Plan
B. My WH has been having A since last March. He always tells me the same thing, blah, blah, blah. What he really wants is to have me waiting and continue to have fun with OW.

The only thing that has changed is me. I used to hate being alone, now I love it. Hang in there, girl, you are making progress and there are brighter days ahead.

LL, I have the same feeling as you. I don't understand why we are going through this. Sis said that I was being to nice to WH. He is out again. Even MIL couldn't find him.

At this moment, I feel so hopeless. But I know that I have to survive. GOD will not leave us alone. hang in there, LL.

Believer,

I wish I had your confidence. I know most A's eventually die out. I just keep thinking this one won't, or he won't want me back if it does.

LNH,

You are right, of course. God is always with us. Whatever is happening to us right now IS his plan for us at this moment. It's just hard for me to remember that, or trust that it's for my good when it hurts so bad sometimes.

LL

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

Okay, right or wrong, I am trying to play "nice" right now until my call with Jennifer later tonight and until the end of the month, maybe.

I have invited WH for dinner tonight (nothing fancy at all) and he has accepted. My call to Jennifer is at 8pm. I know he wants no part of it so will probably show up around 7pm (the time I told him food will be ready), eat, see at least one kid (the other works until 8pm tonight), and leave before I get my call.

Any words of advice for me on how to win points (or at least not lose any that I currently have)?

And any last words of advice before I speak to Jennifer? I think I'm going to clarify again (even though I did on call #1) that WH is an alcoholic back to drinking again, just so I know we're working from the same page.

Wish me luck, and a clear head, and self-control not to say stupid things if WH is at my house.

LL

LL, I pray for you. If I were you, I would do the same. Lots of love.

Good luck tonight. I will pray that you are given the right things to say and that things go well.

Good luck, LL.

An idea: what if tonight, for one night only, you absolutely resolved to not talk relationship or anything about the A? Keep it light and pleasant? What effect do you suppose that would have?

Just an idea.

dewt

Well, in reality I didn't have to say anything at all. Things didn't work out as I'd hoped (not that I was expecting any great romance), but I guess I should be happy the kids got time to visit with their dad.

As it turned out, he stayed at his shop later than expected (on purpose, maybe?) and then said he'd be at the house nearer 8pm. Okay, that's when my call to Jennifer was scheduled. Since he wasn't participating, I left a note that said, "When you get here, go ahead and eat, visit with the kids, play with the doggies. They miss you. I'll be down at 9pm after my call."

DD said they did watch some TV together and visited a bit. DS left shortly after eating. My call ended at 9:15pm and when I came downstairs, WH was sleeping on the sofa. I tried a couple times to wake him, but he was just grumpy and cursed me (typical response when he's sleeping). So I stuck a pillow under his head, wrote him a note and left with his sunglasses that I'd thought enough to remove from his head, and went to bed.

Note said something like, "Sorry we didn't get to visit or watch TV together. Glad you got a chance to visit with the kids. DD said she was excited to see you. I know you are tired and need your sleep, too."

Obviously I would have liked to write something more to the effect of "You obviously avoided showing up until after I was on the phone, and purposely fell asleep so that you can tell OW that you didn't do ANYTHING with me, and that you only came over because you felt you owed it to the kids." But I didn't.... Can't LB.
----------------------------------------------
As for my call with Jennifer:

She doesn't feel that WH is anywhere close to making a decision and there is little I can do to "force" the decision. Says don't be so concerned about the "A's die within 6 months when exposed" comment because that's an average, and some can continue for years. (UGH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

She is encouraging me to go to Plan B, but we have no absolute set time yet. She says I just have to be VERY sure that I keep my "mask" on each time I see or talk to him right now and I cannot LB. If I feel like I can't take it any longer, go to Plan B.

She seemed less concerned about his drinking that she is with the A and his thinking with his emotions right now. Says Plan B won't necessarily speed the death of his A (she's convinced this one must die a natural death) but would help me feel better.

Not doing it at all until after 4/30 because he has to decide where he's moving at that point. She said his moving to the trailer, since it has A/C and all, will probably prolong things. After that, I have to decide if I want to Plan B in May and deal with DS's H/S graduation and the after-party and the contact we'd have, or wait until after his graduation and do it June 1.

I feel like I'm wasting my life waiting 2 years if he never comes back because I'm worried that I'll be too old to find another companion who meets my criteria. She says I have no business even thinking about dating for the next 3 years until my DD is out of school and moved out anyway, so waiting is no different than being single. I know she's right, but it hurts. I am so darned lonely!! I can't imagine no hugs, no going out to an intimate dinner, no going to a movie together, or on a weekend vacation, or just having someone lie in bed next to me for three years--or maybe forever. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

She did tell me she counseled one couple where the BS (the W) waited 2 years for her WH to come back. He didn't, so she filed D and moved on with her life. In the 3rd year, he broke off the A, but it was too late for BS.

She says she doesn't know how long it will take this A to die, but that almost all do eventually (some take years) and that the few that go on to M's end in D about 85% of the time within just a few years.

I can't wait years! I don't feel like I can take this another 2 months, though she said my next year should be a lot less intense than my last 6 months (okay, when does the less-intense feeling start), especially if I do go to Plan B.

Her final advice: "Step back, have patience, and breathe. Give your DD attention, work on gaining your weight back and being healthy, concentrate on your career, and read lots about needs so you can become an awesome mate to someone, be it WH or someone else."

I am just SO afraid I'll lose WH, my best friend, and the love of my life and will end up single forever. Having a down day again today. Would like to think the weekend will be better, but they are forecasting rain both days (we need it, but it's depressing).

Prayers to all the rest of you.

LL

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Latest news:

Left WH a text this morning asking him to call me re: DD's school tomorrow. No call, no texts from him today. Left another brief text an hour ago again asking if all is well, since he hasn't called.

Still no call, so tried to call on cell. No answer. Tried shop phone, no answer.

There was some confusion as to if he was or wasn't picking up DD tomorrow noon, and I need to make SURE he does, because I now have obligations tonight fro 7-10 w/neighbors, and have two back-to-back dr. appts, neither of which I want to take the cell with me to. Therefore I will not be able to talk with him before the pickup time.

I just left a message for him telling him I assume he's either angry with me or is avoiding me for some reason (I'm SURE this is a DJ, but I said it calmly) and that I really wanted to touch base about DD, and that I will assume all is well and that he will get her tomorrow.

This really bothers me. I'm sure it's all tied to why he showed up late at my house and why he slept the entire time. I'm guessing it means he no longer feels at all comfortable or right being there, and that he realized it and now thinks he needs to end things with me and decide on her, but is afraid to tell me.

If I'd just NOT have invited him over...

LL

LL, hang in there. I know exactly how it feels. It hurts. But we can do nothing about it. I will keep praying for you and me.

e-mail me at kzmath@hotmail.com your phone number. I can call you.

Lot of love.

LL- You are almost as bad as me. Hang in there.

LL, hang in there.

Patience.

dewt (who needs to follow his own advice)

Well, what didn't go well on Wednesday night at least was offset by a small moment of fun tonight.

Today was absolutely gorgeous weather here (although at this moment we're getting a very nice spring thunderstorm). All day it was sunny, light breeze, mid-80's. (Like the weather in Southern California ALL the time--I am jealous.)

Where I work, people were driving by all day on their motorcycles, and by 5pm I decided to just ask WH if he'd take me a ride just around the loop. He actually agreed. I met him at his shop, had him fix a tiny problem with my seatbelt in my car, and then we visited a little while.

The visit had it's down moments. He has ANOTHER d**n tattoo that matches the floozie's. Got it a couple weeks ago. Has little recollection of it happening.

He also said that his feelings differ for her depending on the day. When he's drunk he has a lot of feeling for her. When he's hung over or sober, not so much. On one hand, that's good because a lot of it is the booze talking. ON the other hand, if he never stops drinking, he may never escape her.

(uh oh....it's hailing out now...storm might be just a little out of hand...)

But, we climbed on the bike and had a WONDERFUL ride. He not only took me around the loop, but took me on about a 1/2 hour ride around the south part of the city. It was awesome. We talked. We laughed. And when I got back, for just a few minutes I was able to forget all the issues and we hugged and I told him I loved him, and we said "bye". (Okay and he grabbed something he shouldn't have and he laughed and I laughed and said, "okay, now I'm lop-sided so you have to grab the other one, too." He was laughing when I walked away to my car.

The down side: I know he's with her again tonight. She came over last night and is still at his place. She's also pressuring him hard to rent a place for THEM when he moves at the end of the month, and he shared his concern that he doesn't want to find out it's not going to work out with her AFTER he moves in with her. He doesn't want her moving in with him while he tries to figure himself out.

I'm praying they don't shack up. On one hand, maybe the true light would shine and he'd fall out of love that much faster. On the other hand, I'm worried that because she's jobless, he'd feel this obligation to stay with her even if he hated her, just because he couldn't let her and the baby get kicked out on the street. Stupid, but I know how he works.

So, for tonight I will try to focus on the good and not think so far ahead.

LL

Sure is a load of ups and downs, eh? I going through the same thing. Minute by minute I seem to be going from one end of the scale to the other.

One question. How does one get a tattoo and not remember it? I have a lot of tattoos and remember every single one... was he drunk? No tattooist I've ever known would work on someone who was drunk... for one thing, alcohol thins the blood which leads to excessive bleeding and faded colors, for another, it's just a bad idea.

dewt

Oh, he remembers getting it, just apparently none of the specifics except dropping his bike outside the shop at some point that evening. Apparently it was a couple weekends ago, and yes, he was drunk from everything I understand.

He's cut his drinking down significantly on weekdays, but he and OW still tie on the weekend ones.

I didn't ask where he got it but he goes to one of two places, and one of those I know won't work on anyone who is drunk because the tattoo artist is a recovering alcoholic who now sponsors people in AA. (He's a really wacko guy but very nice. He did a lovely butterfly for me in November. It's my ONLY tattoo, and I was totally sober when I got it, but I think I would have even remembered it drunk. It hurt!)

So I assume the other place did it. They are reputable and they do good work. It's just that they're also open very late into the wee morning hours and I'm sure get several drunks per night. And this tattoo is pretty small, so I doubt there would have been much bleeding anyway.

I hope the tattoo fades---completely gone would be good! It's a purple four-leaf clover on his chest. Looks STUPID with his other ones. Oh well...can't change it.

At least after he and OW got the matching Chinese symbols for affection, I had enough sense to stop myself from my idea of getting the chinese symbol for "Abandoned" in retalliation.


LL

I get a tattoo(s) for pretty much every major emotional event in my life. I'm still looking for ones for this. My chinese is pretty poor so I avoid those symbols. lol.

While my wife was cheating... ok, well she still is... but anyway while I was still living there, I got a 14" tribal dragon on my stomach signifying the destructive demons in my life. It is very scary. I had a hard time looking at it for the first week, but as it healed I grew the stregnth to do what I had to do. It represents my demon for this horror and it's claw is attemting to grasp my belly ring (I got peirced too) but the grip is broken. I've really grown to love this tattoo as the meaning sinks in.

sorry to hijack...

dewt

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 07:14 AM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

LL, got your e-mail. How are you today?

I am very tired. I didn't take the kids to Chinese school, because there is a speech contest. They are not participating, they don't know how to speak. All they do will be sit there. So later I may take them to see my parents, then come back. I can see life is pretty boring here. I can handle it, but I don't know how to entertain the kids.

Well, the roller coaster was on top last night, but it's down at the bottom again now.

Went from the great ride last night and him telling me he would take me out to dinner tonight to him not calling me, me calling and finding him at mutual friends playing cards, him sounding like he had been drinking, me asking if he was really going to take me out and then telling him he had no business driving the Harley home (treating him like a child--major LB), and him hanging up.

This was, of course, followed by my trying to call again, him not answering, my leaving a message on friends' phone asking what was going on and to call me and tell me what kind of shape he was in and if he was safe to drive.

No call until AFTER they let him leave, then mutual friend (we'll just say "person" from now on) called and told me it did no good to call back while he was there, she really didn't have anything she could tell me, and that life is not always fair. I know I said some not-nice things to her and accused her of passing on info to him that is not supposed to go there, when she accused me of not telling her things anymore. And then I got mad about the $ situation now that WH is going to keep the camper and we can't sell it to pay off the home equity loan I'm paying.

I said, our plan was to pay the loan off, and then I'd have money for DS's college, but now I don't while he has all kinds of money to go out and do things on. Again, I got the life isn't fair statement and was condemned for the amount of money I've spent on two sessions with Jennifer from MB, and how I should have instead saved THAT money for DS's college.

I told her saving my M was very important to me and I was willing to pay the money to try. Then I said, "You're never going to be willing to say that WH is doing anything wrong or is failing to take responsibility, are you?" That made her angry and she informed me she was ending the conversation. I informed her I wouldn't be calling her again until WH decides one way or the other what he's doing.

I then stooped even lower and left three text messages on his phone. They were polite and nice and relatively simple. They were just saying I was sorry if I accused him of something untrue, but that I worried about him when he rode his motorcycle and wanted him to be safe because I love him. Told him I'd still really like to go to dinner if he'd take me, but to please call me either way.

No call...so I left a voice message about 1/2 hour ago asking the same thing.

Still no call.

I've LB'd him right back to OW's arms. (Actually, he probably had already decided he didn't want to take me out, and was just waiting on an excuse to turn against me and then blame me for making it happen.)

I hurt so bad again. I want my old H back so bad. I want to be able to look at photo albums and VCR movies and have pleasant memories of what we've done. I want to take more photos and make more movies. I feel frozen--like I can't do anything right now. I have no life. Everywhere I turn, something triggers a memory of how we were.

Why doesn't my H, my best friend, love me anymore? Why is he leaving me for a 26-year-old sleeze? How will I ever be able to even look at our pictures again? I want to burn them all, just so I don't have the temptation to look at them.

I wanted to do a scrapbook for DS's graduation, but haven't worked on it since November because I can't look through our pictures anymore.

I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe I'm losing him. I can't imagine life without him in it. And I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I don't care WHAT people say about how it's really not that bad and how I can have a life in other ways. I WANT someone to love me and I want it to be him.

I am so screwed up right now. Just sitting here crying. It's a great time...

LL

LL, I know how you feel. You sounded so good this morning. What happened? Did you forget about Plan B? Please call me if you want to talk.

I haven't heard anything from WH, I didn't call him either. I guess i can do that in plan B. I got Michell Davis book, Divorce Busting. So I will read that. Please please take care of yourself. If you have urge to call, just call me. Keep calling him will only push him away.