LL, hope you have fun in FL. Just thinking of you.

Hey there,

Hope you had a GREAT trip!!

And hope you are not spinning about all the drama that happened while you were out of town. If you're in Plan A, just let it go...if you are in Plan B...just let it go.

LL, good morning. Did you have fun. Hope you have a fresh start when you come back.

I'm back. I'll write lots more later. Busy at work now--and sleepy! I started my day at 6:30am eastern time yesterday and ended it at 2am central time (3am eastern) this morning. Those storms that rolled up through the midwest caused some major airline tie-ups at O'Hare.

I spent several extra hours there, two of them stuck on a jet shut down on the runway. That is BORING! Finally made it back in town at midnight--my luggage took a trip somewhere else. Still waiting on it.

Florida was beautiful. We didn't have much free time to enjoy the resort. I walked around for a couple hours the day I arrived, and then walked some the first night after our welcome wing-ding ended. Other than that, it was all meetings or other group functions. We did eat dinner on Tuesday at EPCOT and were able to watch the Illuminations show from a private veranda reserved for us. No swimming or laying out in the sun. Still, it was a relaxing time (except for travel yesterday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ).

The house sort of fell apart while I was gone. Not one single "nice" phone call came my way from WH. They were all angry. It gets better. Will post when I get home.

All I can say is going to Plan B is looking easier and easier...

LL

Elaborating more...

The three days in Florida contained nothing but hateful, spiteful text messages and voice messages from WH, with an odd calmer one in the middle about thinking BBQ sounded good. (I wondered if it was really meant for OW.)

Everything was wrong, "my" kids were showing no respect and were doing nothing, the house was a pig sty, and I left him no money to use while staying with the kids.

Hello?? I thought when parents separated or divorced, if the non-custodial parent took the kids for a weekend or a few days, it was THEIR responsibility to foot the bill. Neither of them have stayed with him since he moved out in February.

Anyway, the BIG problem: I was dropping DD off at school this morning and she says, "Mom, what's the deal with someone named Bob? Dad says you did something with him 7 years ago. Did you??" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I was mortified. It's the pastor thing again. He's told the kids!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I don't know how much he told them. I hustled her out of the car and into school, and she's out with friends right now so I haven't had to deal with it yet. DS hasn't said anything and probably won't.

The reason he did it (and he admitted this) is because he doesn't feel that he should be the only one the kids are angry with or blame right now, so he wanted to fill them in on MY indiscretions, too.

What the H***???

It was 8 (not 7) years ago. I am VERY sorry. I can't change the past no matter how much I'd like to. I know it hurt him to find out. But why the kids?

I could be vindictive. I could tell them about his similar indiscretion with MP a few months ago when he was drunk. I won't, of course.

I did tell a close coworker of mine. She was shocked, but said that if it were her, she'd get the kids together and tell them ONCE and once only, that in our 23 years together, both their dad and I have made mistakes. No one is perfect, and we are very sorry for what happened, but that it is between him and I and that I will not be discussing it in further detail.

I'm just sick that I have to go through the whole deal again, and that he told the kids. I was so angry I was ready to call it quits IMMEDIATELY today.

I've cooled off some, and he's been here this evening putting DD's waterbed together, and we've been getting along--just the normal jabs. He left for the shop just now to take his cycle back and get his truck. He may be coming back because he used my laundry while I was gone and has clothes here, but he's been gone a while now so most likely swung over to see OW on his way back.

In a way, tonight has felt like before all the A stuff happened. I cooked tacos. He watched tv. He set up the bed. I've been tidying up. He mentioned that drinking heavily is making him feel very ill and that he's cut back again because it makes his stomach so upset. I commended him for his efforts.

But I don't feel comfortable around him and I don't trust him. I haven't mentioned either the OW or what he brought up with the kids since he's been here tonight, and I've run after every tool he needed to set up the bed, so I've done well to keep the peace. But as for feeling like hugging him or being close -- no.

I don't know what I want. I need God to show me what HE wants for me. Still looking for that billboard I want him to drop down in front of me.

LL

Well now at least your secret is out of the bag. I would do just what your friend said. Tell kids that you both have made mistakes. Really it should not be discussed in detail with the children. Your WH is using the children to make himself not feel so guilty.

LL, I am sorry your H using what happened in the past to blame you for his action. I feel you, sometimes we can only take till certain point. But please pray to GOD and ask for direction. I tried so hard to eliminate my own thought while praying, but I was not sucessful. Guess I have too much of myself inside me. I need to work on that. Prays for you.

Well, so far neither kid has brought up what WH told them about me again, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut unless/until it comes up again. Maybe they'll just forget about it.

WH has been nice today. Gave me a hug before he left for work, and then sent a text telling me to have a good day.

It actually makes me uncomfortable, because I've been thinking more and more that perhaps we'd be a lot better off without each other, and when he has his rare "nice" moments, I feel like there is no longer any justification for my thoughts.

He IS still in contact with OW, I'm pretty sure. Well, he hasn't said he's not--that'd be my first clue. But last night when I went to bed, I glanced at his cell phone charging on the floor and he had two messages. Since I know he pulled mine that I left about overfilling the bed, because he asked what the deal was when he walked back in the house after switching vehicles, about the only other person who would call him that late at night and leave a message would be OW.

I'm debating on cancelling my counseling session with Jennifer this next Wednesday. I'm not sure it will do a world of good if my mind is now wavering between "stay" and "go". Heck, maybe I should't even be posting on this board if I'm not sure I want to stay M anymore??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

All I know right now is that I want to enjoy relative peace for a little while, if I'm able.

LL

LL, thank you for your reply to my thread. Please stay here no matter what your decision is. Life is tough enough. If we don't have supports to each other, it will be harder. Prayers for you.

Please pray for me that WH will be talking to SH Monday.

LNH, you stay strong and keep trusting God. You will feel better. I never thought 3 months ago that I'd ever feel anything but dispair, but look at me now. I am not back to 100%, but I feel decent most days.

My confusion now is that I don't know which way to go. Today, WH is being nice. He just called to ask what I was doing. I'm still at work.

He sort of hesitated, and then said he guessed he was going to head on down to MP's place (where the camper is).

I asked him about OW (first time in quite a while). He was hesitant to answer. I said very nicely, "just be truthful." He hasn't broken it off yet, but isn't sure what he wants to do.

Then I said something without thinking--something that I know hurt his feelings. I said, "Do you think we get along better together or apart?"

First he said, "Yeah, I was wondering that myself." But then he got a little defensive and said, "I see where you're headed with this."

I told him I really wasn't headed anywhere with it and that it doesn't matter right now, because he's still with her. Told him I realize I can't make his decisions for him and that it's been sort of a relief not to try and control his life, but to delegate his decisions back to him again.

He said, "Yeah, but we can't live this way forever."

I said, "You mean separated but married?"

"Yeah."

"I know we can't. But right now you need to just get your life figured out--figure out what it is you want for yourself and get healthy. I have found it relaxing not to have you yelling at me or the kids. You have a bit of an anger problem and I don't like dealing with it. You were nicer last night and today and it was easier to deal with things."

From there, we small-talked a little about his check and about getting the house ready for DS's grad reception next weekend. He sounded fairly content. Finally he said he was going to let me go but would call me later.

Funny thing--I really DO want him to find himself and for him to let God back into his heart. I wish absolutely nothing bad on him (except for some really serious guilt to set in for a while). But I am not glued to my phone waiting for his call.

Until/unless he lets OW go and does something about his drinking, I really don't want to be back together trying to build a M with him. It would only cause us me to not trust him, him to hate me, and us to be at each other's throats.

It's just that when he's super nice to me (or maybe this is "normal" nice for most people), it does make me feel much guiltier for having thoughts of ending the M.

LL

LL, thank you. I will stay strong. I know that GOD is holding me all the time. I am hanging here. Hope your S's grduation will be a good one.

Yow... what a drag that he was such a cad when you were away. I'd be pretty upset.

I do have one bit of advice. If ever this does come up with the kids, I'd suggest you admit to your mistake, but don't say something like "we both made mistakes". For one thing, you can't speak for him. For another thing, your mistake was a one shot deal. A momentary lapse. What your H is doing right now and for the past months has progressed beyond the 'mistake' category. Plus, lumping them together equates them which is a misrepresentation of both the facts and the themes.

Also, I think it's kind of good that your feelings are changing towards him. It's a reinforcement that you don't just want him back, but you want a new and improved version of him back. It's the same thing for me. My wife? Right now? Yak. If I had any brains I'd tell her to stay right where she is, continue with OW and her small town drama life and keep frickin 'finding herself', for all I care. But I hold onto faith for something better for the future so I'm working at keeping my heart open in the hope that she will 'awaken' and be ready to make some serious changes for the better.

Thas' all.

dewt

lordslady-

Sounds like you are getting much healthier. I am right with you. Some days I want my WH back, most days I don't. But my life is going on, and it is a good one.

He comes by about every 10 days, (although last time it was 5 days), and talks his fog talk. Last night he wanted to talk about getting back together. I smiled and told him I really couldn't discuss our relationship while OW is still in the picture. Then I happily sent him on his way.

Believer,

Yeah, I sent a text message to my WH last night that said I do still love him and probably always will, but that he needs to make his own decisions and I'm just concentrating on being me.

He sent one back that said, "But if I make the wrong decision, I risk losing you FOREVER."

Duh!?

On one hand, it really rather touched me because he still does love me. On the other hand, he obviously intends to play this A as long as he can and then hopes I'll be there waiting with open arms when he's done.

I miss so many sweet little things about him, but my arms aren't nearly as open as they were three months ago. I'm losing patience.

I can actually talk to him about OW and not feel pain when he brings her up anymore (of course it's just small talk about her--like phone bills and stuff). I wouldn't want to hear how much he loves her and how good their sex life is or anything.

LL

HI LL


Long time no hear. Well I see you are getting stronger and stronger. Good for you. I am about in the same boat as you. He is just playing games with me now. I am like you at the end of my rope and who cares anymore. We will see what happens.

HINY

LL -

Hope you had a good day. I got lots done today. Don't worry so much about WH. Just try to take care of you and kids. How are you doing on getting the house ready?

A relaxing moment....

I'm sitting here right now with a nice rare grilled sirloin, marinated grilled summer veggies, a glass of wine, and some light classical music playing in the background. Kids are both out with friends. House is still a wreck--MUST clean before next weekend and shampoo carpet, etc., but right now I'm taking some time to relax. It's wonderful!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If WH were here, it would be more like steak, baked potatoes, and America's wildest beaches or something blaring in the background on TV. I'm finding good things about being here by myself.

WH text'd me again this evening, offering to help hang my two new doors. I thanked him and told him I might take him up on the offer, but not until after grad reception. Too busy!

I do miss him. But I'd almost rather be friends than husband/wife. I just keep praying that God will work in his heart and he'll turn back to God. If he did, and his heart changed, MAYBE I could rebuild with him. I'm too afraid to the way things are right now, even if he is being nice all of a sudden.

What a change from two months ago, huh?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I will qualify all this by saying I still can't imagine him not being a part of my life at all.

LL

Y'know...

Maybe that's where it all starts. By being friends.

Contact is pleasant, undraining... you both come away from it enriched. There's no pressure, no strain of the huge issue of "recovering the marriage"...

I think it's a good thing. I'm hoping something similar will happen when Dylan comes here. (I don't know if she's any good at hanging doors, but she sure can cook a good chicken)

dewt

Off topic, but throwing a monkey wrench in my relaxation...

DD did not come home tonight. She called at around 11:30. DS answered the phone. She told him the show she was watching (local band) was running late. She was off the phone before I even knew she called.

Now it's 3:30am. LL is worried about her baby girl. Baby girl has been a bit of a stinker since I got back from Florida.

Should I call the cops? (Oh yeah, already did, but not to turn her in. I just asked if they'd had any reports of accidents or contact with a teenage girl tonight, since she doesn't carry ID on her. Nothing had been reported an hour ago.)

Should I call WH tomorrow morning if she's not home by the time I leave for church? He'll have a fit and tell me all about how I'm not parenting properly. It may be true, but it doesn't sit well coming from him right now. He's not parenting at all.

And how do you stop a teenager from leaving the house and staying away without your permission without standing guard over them at all times when they're home??

Very worrisome... and very frustrating!

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>And how do you stop a teenager from leaving the house and staying away without your permission without standing guard over them at all times when they're home??
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well here's one that sent shivers down my spine. I was fifteen when I left home. My Mom was home at the time. She could not stop me from leaving. She should have. I'm racking my brain right now trying to think back to what she could have done to keep me from walking out that door, because that was the beginning of one of the most screwed up lives a person could ever have. If my dad had not been a drunken, carousing [censored], (yes, that's his name) he might have been there and actually functioned as my Father and helped keep me in line and that would have been the best thing in the world for me.

I'm gonna think about this some more. It's hitting kinda close to home and I'm worried about you and your daughter.

dewt