Wow SS! Long time, no see! I read your posts on Believer's thread. Sounds like things are going well for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Regarding pinning my pants--I finally gave up the big ones, bought a few new pair, and went to more skirts. I've put back on all but about the last 5 pounds that I lost, and while there are still some things that are too big, for the most part I'm happy with my weight. I've bought a few new things in a smaller size which has been fun, and tonight I tried on the new swimsuit I'm taking to Florida next month and my teenage daughter actually thought I looked really nice in it. Says it shows off my legs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (Good, maybe people will look at them and not my flat chest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

As for your comment...

The LL train is moving on, and he's gonna have to jump on or get left in the dust.

I do feel SO much better than back a few months ago when you were posting to me and you and your WH were still having issues. Problem is, I'm not totally sure the LL train hasn't moved on beyond the point of no return. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but the commitment to stay in this M is really low at this point. WH has had 8 months to turn himself around, and the longer he takes, the more I start remembering all the not-so-good things about being married to him, like his anger problem, his drinking, and his lack of interest in doing anything with his kids.

At this point, I'm not begging for him to come back anymore. I don't even care. It's peaceful now. I do wish the best for him and pray he straightens up his life before it's too late, but I'm not sure I want him back with me.

It is sort of a liberating feeling to know that I am doing okay by myself. (Okay--he does pay me child support. If that ends and I'm still supporting kids, I'm sunk...but that's a worry for a different day).

He still says that he really does eventually plan on ending his A. However, I haven't been all warm and fuzzy about it, because I really don't know if I want him back, and I think that hurts his feelings. He makes comments like, "I see how you are." or "I see where this is going." Should I be loving when he eludes to being back with me someday? I don't like knowing that I'm his 2nd choice and he only plans on coming back when the fun of the A has dwindled and he's ready to be stable again.

I want to be wanted and valued and loved by someone, not just be their fall-back girl.

LL

LL,

I can see that you have moved so much further ahead.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is sort of a liberating feeling to know that I am doing okay by myself. (Okay--he does pay me child support. If that ends and I'm still supporting kids, I'm sunk...but that's a worry for a different day).

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to reach to this stage, I am working hard to this. Believer is the good example for all of us. I just can imagine to live without an H who can share all the experience of our children and grand children. Well, on the other hand, when I thought of the bad experience we had, I would feel better if we are not together.

Okay, so any of you who read my other post today about my WH's truck know that the statement that LNH quoted of mine above could have very well come true today (I could have ended up trying to pay for the house on my own).

WH rolled his truck this morning on the way to work--no seat belt of course. I haven't spoken with him in the last few hours but the most recent word was that he did go to the doctor who said he had injured some muscles in his back and he might have a slight concussion. He gave him anti-inflammatory meds and sent him on his way and told him to take it easy at work for a few days.

That is SO much better than it could have been. I cringe to think of what could have happened. The truck ended up on it's top. The door frames kept the top from seriously buckling. Apparently other than the doors and the tailgate, the shiny red 2000 Dodge Dakota quad cab 4x4 with all the options (we ordered it special--took Dodge 5 months to make it for us) is looking seriously hurt.

I know WH feels sick about it, and he actually did admit on his own that he was late for work and was going too fast and lost it (a very rare statement), so I didn't say anything bad to him. I just told him that regardless of what happens with us or how things turn out, I wanted him to know I care about him and wanted him to be safe.

If insurance ends up totalling it and he buys it back and fixes it (they do a LOT of builders at the shop he works for so lots of experience), he may end up ahead of the game where money is concerned. He'll just have to hang onto the truck because you can't easily sell a salvage vehicle (and no, he would never do anything to "launder" the vehicle's title).

Once all that excitement ended, the storms started rolling through our area again. I left work early to avoid potential hail and ended up driving through it anyway. It wasn't bad enough to damage the car, but we've gotten a significant amount of rain. My poor back yard looks like a lake. Lots of potential tornado activity, but nothing really materialized, so I didn't ever go seek shelter (I've been in Iowa WAY TOO LONG. I don't let them worry me too much anymore. If they hit, they hit.)
-------------------------------------------

So, is this latest incident the "billboard" I've been waiting on God to drop down in front of me (because I have a hard time figuring out what I'm supposed to do)? Or is it just another blip on the radar screen of life. All I can think today is, "He's VERY lucky to be alive, but there is a pattern with him and risky behavior. What is going to happen next, and do I want to be financially attached when/if it happens?"

But then I say, "I'm married...God probably wants me to stay married, regardless what the risks are. He is in control."

Again....SOOOOO confused. I'll probably just be sitting here asking this same question two years from now.

LL

LL-

I am thinking about and praying for all the folks back there, while watching the devastation of the storms on TV.

You are getting stronger and stronger. My WH is just like yours - he wants the marriage back, but not until he has more fun with OW. However I don't feel like I am in second place anymore. Now I feel more in control of my future.

Let's hang together and keep making changes and learning from each other.

Research what it takes for a legal separation...from what I understand it's a document that says that you are still married but that your finances and legal obligations will be separated. It spells out child support, visitation, and what debts each is responsible for. Talk with a lawyer?

Actually I did speak with an attorney a couple months ago briefly about a legal separation. He recommended against it. In Iowa, it is essentially the same thing (and same cost) as a D except that you are "legally separated" and not D. He says one stroke of the pen will change it from one to the other, and recommends that people either work out their issues amongst themselves without legal involvement, or that they just file for D.

There are some things that can be done as far as child support where WH could "agree" in writing to pay and then his employer could withhold from his check, but I don't see him doing that. I think I'm better off there with our unofficial agreement.

As for finances, the attorney advised me to separate as much as I could (credit cards, etc).

Auto insurance is UGLY! I just called our agent. Insuring everyone properly (something that he wasn't doing before--he had WH rated on DS's car, me rated on WH's truck, etc, to keep premiums a bit lower) increases WH's premium every six months from $325 to $1033! He is going to have a cow! He's already broke. Guess who will end up paying the insurance to make sure we as a family are covered for liability (I'll bet you can guess it on your first try... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

UGH! My insurance agent, you can tell, is wondering why in the world I haven't taken legal action yet. Uh...not sure what I'm doing...dragging my feet.

And WH is vomiting today--has been sick to his stomach since the accident yesterday but didn't start this until today. He could have the flu. But it is coincidental that he has a rollover accident and THEN gets sick. I'm afraid he could have something wrong internally. No seatbelt on--who knows what his stomach hit. Probably the steering wheel.

The doctor he saw yesterday didn't do much of anything--no blood work, no xrays, etc. I want him to go to his normal clinic and make sure he doesn't have kidney or liver or spleen damage. I may be angry and hurt at what he's doing, but I don't want him to slowly bleed to death or get an internal infection and die! (Nor do I want him missing a bunch of work if he lets something go and THEN ends up in the hospital for something more serious!)

I know--I can't control him. But I have left a message telling I would drive him to the Dr. this afternoon if he'd just make an appointment. Told him his kids need their father (which may be debatable).

I know somehow I'll come out stronger from all this, but it really is stressful sometimes!

LL

LL, I can see that you are getting stronger and stronger. I talked an attorneuy before, and I got similar advice about seperation. So I won't do anything if I go to Plan B. Luckly he is still giving me money and workinf on the house. Even without his support, we can survive. BTW, do you still mow your lawn? Can you DS do it?

I am thinking to learn to mow the lawn. Many of my lady neighbours are doing it. I think I can do it too.

LNH,

Yes, I do mow my own lawn. I've done it off and on for years, but our current property was difficult because we have a hill in the back that I couldn't pull the mower up.

Last year, we got a self-propelled push mower. It makes it very easy to mow because it pulls itself up the hill.

Yes, DS could mow my lawn. However, when the weather is nice I actually enjoy doing it even though it's fairly strenuous exercise if I do it quickly. I feel very good afterwards because of the exercise, and it's also mentally rewarding to know I did it myself.

You could do yours if you needed to. I'm not a particularly big (though am tall) or strong person. If you have a larger yard or one with hills, I'd recommend the self-propelled mower though.

LL

What about Plan B? You are close to it now, and are still LBing (calling telling him to get to the Dr. is not very respectful).

Write up a plan of how to split things up and have WH review it, sign it, then give him the Plan B letter. I know, I know, easier said than done.

I feel like I need a 2x4 for being so dumb sometimes...

WH has been very nauseaus, weak, and unable to keep food down today. Maybe it's the flu, but since he was in the rollover accident with no seat belt yesterday and who knows what he hit, I was concerned that he might have internal injuries. I convinced him to go see his own doctor today.

Guess who took him (me). Guess who he's spending the night with because the dr. wants to have a cat scan done of his stomach tomorrow morning (me). Guess who is taking time off work tomorrow morning to transport him to that cat scan (me).

The doctor didn't see anything particularly worrisome except that he has a tender spot in his stomach, so just wants to be sure there is nothing bleeding slowly that could cause more problems later if it grew bigger and burst. I feel obligated to be there for him since I'm his W. Everyone thinks I'm nuts because of what he's doing to me.

I guess if I'm not in Plan B, I have to be in Plan A, huh?

Problem is, I really DON'T want him at the house, and this is going to sound bad, but I'm afraid that now he's in this mess and his auto insurance is way high and he's broke and he'll now decide it's time to come back home, and if he does, I don't really want him back this way.

Now who's the REALLY BAD person? Who is dodging their commitments? Who is forgetting "for better or for worse?".

LL

WH!!!!!

That's right, if you're not in Plan B you are in Plan A. never fear, he won't want to come home, and if he does, he KNOWS your conditions, right?

Time to prepare a letter? After getting back from the Dr.... (maybe a days rest) time to ask him about what he wants to do with his life, whether he's willing to give up OW, really commit to the M, go to AA meetings, etc. If not, tell him it's too hurtful to have him around and to talk to him...then give him the letter, he will get mad and storm out.

You heard it hear first...Anybody else see it occurring a different way?

he will get mad and storm out.

He can't storm too far. He doesn't have a vehicle to drive anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (unless it's fair weather and then he can ride the Harley).

I just feel rather guilty because although I feel MUCH better and MUCH stronger than I did just two months ago, I also have really lost steam to try and make this M work. That's what I mean about needing a 2x4. What am I doing on a MB site if I'm not really sure I want to build my M anymore?

It would take serious changes of heart on his part, and probably a lot of pursuing and pleading with me to take him back. I'd really have to know that it was me he wanted and not that he was just tired of the discomfort of no money and living in a camper and wanted the cushiness of home.

Two months ago I would have taken him back if he would have done N/C with OW and would have done something about his drinking. Now I want more--I want to see that his heart has changed and that he truly wants ME. I'd want the IC or MC and AA. Is it fair to change my mind mid-stream? I guess he did it. He told me he was going to be done with OW in December, then at the end of March, and then at the end of April.

Today he told me that one of the first things she said when he called her about the accident was that if he was going back to the camper, she needed her car cord from her cell phone. He was angry, understandably, at her lack of consideration for what had just happened. I saw it as proof he's still seeing her because obviously she's been at the camper long enough to need to charge her phone.

LL

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, what do you think if I change this as follows?

Guess who took him (OW). Guess who he's spending the night with because the dr. wants to have a cat scan done of his stomach tomorrow morning (OW). Guess who is taking time off work tomorrow morning to transport him to that cat scan (OW).

I know you don't want to take him back like this. But being good hearted, you had planted seeds on him. No matter you stay together or no in the future, you are a lady of LORD.

I guess when it came down to it, I just felt that it was something I needed to do. Maybe it's because I'm married to him. Maybe it's because I'm a mom and have always sort of been his mom. But I felt that if I didn't do what I could to make sure he was okay, and then something happened to him, I'd never forgive myself. I'm not sure I want to reconcile with him, but I do know I don't wish anything to happen to him either, regardless of how "we" turn out.

LL

So what is up with moving to Plan B?

Nothing has changed in your M. He is still drinking, carousing, etc. he is nearly hitting bottom, and you are here to SAVE him once again...

Take him to the Dr.s, then take him back to the camper. Give him the Plan B letter as you drop him off...

Plan B is NOT Plan D, it is pro-marriage. It is a step back before D.