Mom -

Calm down, my dear. You are still very early in this. You will hate him, hate the OW, be numb, decide you don't want him. That is what happened to me.

Stick with us and keep reading and posting. I have been through the whole thing and made lots of mistakes. My divorce papers are at the lawyers, but I have decided that I do love my husband. I don't want to see him have a horrible life, because of one mistake.

I plan to continually show him the way home. If in the end, he chooses to stay with OW, then I know that I did my best.

hello??? help??? I am very confused right now! What does this mean? Why wont he talk to me? Does he WANT to go back? Is he really in this cuz HE WANTS to be or because it is out of pity? What is he doing here? Right now, he has NO feelings for me! What an ego booster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> hello??? help??? I am very confused right now! What does this mean? Why wont he talk to me? Does he WANT to go back? Is he really in this cuz HE WANTS to be or because it is out of pity? What is he doing here? Right now, he has NO feelings for me! What an ego booster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mean TODAY, he has no feelings. Tomorrow it will be different. Welcome to the roller coaster, Mom! This is what you signed on for, so just ride it out. You know what they say in Texas, if you don't like the weather, just wait, it will be different tomorrow.

I know its very upsetting to you, but this is really quite normal, only made worse by his continued contact with the OW.

His feelings will come back, don't worry. I am hoping his sessions with Steve will bring him back down to earth. If he talks to Steve once a week for a while, maybe sanity is possible.

ok, I know this is not funny, but if WAT were here, he would say: THE MOTHER SHIP HAS LANDED!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mom,

I have not really corresponded with you, but have been following your story, somehow wishing, praying, and willing it to work, so that I can hold on to the small glimmer of hope that my M can work now too. So much of what you have gone through this weekend I can relate to.

I will check the context of Dad's comment and see if I can make more sense of it (from my perspective, which, unfortunately, won't be worth much).

Mom: Went back and read over Dad' spost. Listen to Melody. I agree. I think he is confused as to why he is not "feeling" what he is thinks he should, without acknowledging how much his current OW actions are impacting those "feelings." And I sensed a bit of frustration directed toward the OW too. Like she was almost taunting him and the likelihood of repairing your M. Just step back. Take a deep breath. Go to your bathroom, shut the door, get on your knees, and ask God for patience and guidance in all of this.

Hang in there. As I mentioned above, I am praying for you.

Mom I read your posts and maybe just maybe she'll pester your H enough to LB a lot and run his Bank for her dry. I'm just trying to find some positives for you to think about. Hang in there I'm praying for you, I'd like to see a happy ending for someone even if it's not me.

Oh Tinman, I am praying for you everyday, and you too Christy...Everyone here, I am! Even myself and mostly my H! You are so sweet tinman...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You mean TODAY, he has no feelings. Tomorrow it will be different. Welcome to the roller coaster, Mom! This is what you signed on for, so just ride it out. You know what they say in Texas, if you don't like the weather, just wait, it will be different tomorrow.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean TODAY... he says this everyday! Not just today! He cant even be in the same room with me..Any excuse to get out. I drank two glasses of wine! Something I NEVER do...I dont even drink..I am surprised I am not flat on my face right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I gave him a shouler rub while he was on this computer and nothing...nothing. I am not even going to approach him tonight. That will be his doing. Eventually, I know he will want to be close to me.I mean, he is a man right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I will ride it out and come herer for my LB's...I am reading Love Busters right now and really cannot wait to talk to Steven on Wed. Thanks guys!

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

girl, if you are going to use HTML codes at least learn to do it right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Now, last week he was telling us how much he loved you. He will go back and forth. Just hang on, and dont' let yourself be discouraged.

You don't realize how lucky you really are to have a WS who lets his logic rule his very powerful emotions. That is pretty rare for someone in an affair!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> girl, if you are going to use HTML codes at least learn to do it right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Now, last week he was telling us how much he loved you. He will go back and forth. Just hang on, and dont' let yourself be discouraged.

You don't realize how lucky you really are to have a WS who lets his logic rule his very powerful emotions. That is pretty rare for someone in an affair! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, I am terrible at these HTML codes. heck I didn't even know they were called HTML codes until about 5 seconds ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

he did tell me he loved me last weekend? I dont remember that...OK, that is another thing. Go back to his first few posts. Look how long and detailed they were. Now look at them...do you see a difference? Yup, shows you where he is, huh? He was also trying to help OTHERS on here. I know he posted to toomanylies once or twice and he was GOING to post to CV55, but taht day he saw OW...ARGH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Here is what just boggles my mind in all of this. Is the idea of working in an environment that actually ENCOURAGES adultery! That blows me away! If he worked in corporate America, he would be fired and escorted off the premises by a policeman!

I have seen this happen 2 times in my working career. It is just not tolerated in my world. If you screw around at work, your career is over and your reputation is toasted.

When I first read your story, I thought to myself: "those women at the nursing home must LOATHE the OW" for carrying on an affair. And to my shock, they were actually supporting her! In my world, she would be a PARIAH! Her coworkers, especially the other women, would hate her so much that she would end up resigning.

This is just so strange to me. In 20 years of working for Fortune 500 companies, I have never seen a culture that encouraged adultery.

Oh, let me tell you this...Right after Dday, when H moved out, i took my three children up to the nursing home. DS8 threw up in the back seat on the way up there. I walked in with my three kids. I asked to see OW, I introduced myself as Mrs DR WH...the person calls the DON, (director of nurses) who was a BIT** mind you. Telling me that there must have been problems in the marriage to begin with and whatever DR WH does and OW does is fine as long as it is not on the premises of RR. I told the BIT** it was none of her business what our marriage was like and matter of fact what right does OW have to start an affair with him. Anyway, they would not let me see her..She threatened to call the police. I told her to go right ahead, I wasn't doing a damn thing...H supported me on this one. He actually showed remorse that I had to go up there and "Humilate" myself cuz of his actions.

So then, last week he says he is going to round that evening..they said "OH NO, you cant cuz we dont have a med aid in the afternoon...you come in the morning and you can round with Angie...not OW"...

Well, guess what...they set him up. They had him rouhd with OW. I did not find this out until yesterday, another reason for my extreme LBing this weekned. Just blows my mind that they would encourage this crap. Sooo, tomorrow he is going after OW gets off of work. his attitude...."NO LVN is going to ruin my career"...

I dont know...we'll see...but right now, he is not going let them push him in the corner and enable this. I know it will take time. I just need to be patient. I can see it, but he is so darn adament on the marriage will never be the same and he will NEVE have those feelings.

Mom -

You just HAVE to remember that right now, his logic is winning over his emotions. Just the fact that he realizes that home is where he needs to be - and this other "R" is not right, is a HUGE step in the right direction. JMHO.

Please, please, please just try to keep your LB to this board. If for nothing else, than for all of us BS who are not given the opportunity to not LB. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> If you keep the ultimate goal in mind, I know you can do it. You have the willpower - I saw your recent post about Satan. Maybe you should print that out and keep it next to awed's response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

MelodyLane,
I am happy to hear that the business world does not tolerate infidelity, I believed that it was the norm in ALL working environments.

My H has been in 2 careers, as a military pilot and an airline pilot. Adultary is the NORM, and is not frowned upon at all. In the military, the commanding officers are doing it and let the young guys know that it is practically expected. The airline pilots swap stories about what wife they are on ie: practice wife (#1) or dash 2, dash 3 etc. They make a lot of money, but most of it goes to child support.

Maddening! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It seems doctors are in much the same enviromnment, a mighty valuable prize to latch on to and rather big egos that come with the career. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hang in there Mom, you are making progress.

Hey, why don't you clean up the boys and take a nice plate of homemade cookies to the nursing home staff. You could say something like: I know you are all aware of Dr. @#$'s situation and our family appreciates your understanding and support. Thanks for respecting our privacy...
Walk away and imagine how low their jaws are dropping! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ladysing, I'm right there with you on the Airline industry. 18 years ago as my father walked me down the isle he asked if I was sure as pilots had the highest divorce rate at the time. And for the first 16 years I thought we were the minority even though I saw what went on around me. Now I find out just how the lifestyle breeds it. The need for admiration from male pilots and the willingness of many including flight attendants to provide it. My H loves to brag about the number of women who ask out a man in uniform, recently a tv personality asked him out for a drink and when he said he was married she said she didn't care. I hear how lonely it is for pilots gone from home all the time but don't hear as often about us moms at home watching kids while our spouses are "fraternizing". I think many professions are the same. Pilots lifestyles just allow unaccounted time away from home.

mom don't know if this will help - it seemed to help others when I first posted it.

The link is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=013697#000000

Do let me know if it answers any of your questions re "dad's" fog.

Jenny

km4,
I thought I was in the minority too, all those pilots wives being cheated on...poor things...

I just did not know that I was one of them...
That's another story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Back to the Mom and Dad issue, Dad admitted on another thread that he had an egomaniac personality and needed attention. The position of a doctor or pilot sets them up with nurses and flight attendants who are actively pursuing the "doctors or pilots wife" title.

Many doctors and pilots wives stay at home with the children regardless of their education or income potential because of the extreme time away from home that their husbands profession requires. This is a decision made in the best interest of the children and family to provide a more stable home environment but it sets up the at home Moms. We are home taking care of everything. It makes it easier for our H's to take advantage of a little time away with the staff.

There are plenty of professional men (and women) who DO remain faithful and succeed in their high pressure jobs, I don't want to offend any here who are doing that. It just seems that some professions have more than their share of fooling around.

Hang in there Mom, your boys need you. You are going to get through this.

Yea, I thought I was in the minority too! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> H would always tell me about so and so cheating with Nurse D...or cute nurse D is flirting with him. I have always LOVED my H hands. He has the nicest hands...One day he told me that Nurse D said the same thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I woke up with a BAD feeling today. he was dressed for work! I thought we were going to spend the day together...But he made the changes without telling me. I asked him if he was going to RR nursing home and he said this afternoon. He would do the other ones first. I asked him if he WANTED to go while she was there and he said "ummm, yes, but the lawsuit thing bothers me"...I said "but not the marriage...a lawsuit is more important than the marriage"..he jsut turned the other way and didn't want to talke about about it. TYPICAL right now.

He then came in the kitchen where I was and was a bit more receptive to me. I gave him another scenerio of OW living in this house and me out of the picture. Taking care of 3 ADHD boys, one with ODD and who is very disruptive. While I am spending the last year or so with my dad. I would give up sole custody for the boys to be with their father. He said OW would do it...but then he would be turning the tables...hmmm, BS can do this, why cant you...hmmm, what do you mean you cant take care of the kids alone, BS does it...takes them to practices, cooks dinner...you cant do 8 loads of laundry a day...why not my W could. I always had clean undies...why cant you handle them alone for 2 nights a week....why is DS8's HW not done. Wife always made sure it was done. OH, you missed the DR's appt. why aren't my meds filled...and what about DS's meds. Get with it..Wife could do all this....

Yup, that is what would happen.

OK, must go get DS's to school now...H is on phone with SH now...hopefully giving good advice. I told him he needs it today.

Mom, I just caught up on all your posts. Since we are in somewhat similar situations I don't have the wise advice of others here. As you know I wanted to Plan B my H yesterday and he really didn't even do anything. As you asked me "Are you nuts?", and I guess I was. Nuts in the sense of just at times being tired of dealing with this whole mess.

I totally relate to the conversation you had with yourself. When I LB I pretty much point H in the direction of oW. I tell him maybe he should go live out his fantasy. I go through many periods where I think I deserve so much better than what I got and what I'm getting. The idea that he is pining over this little twit over me is so ludicrous. OK, she is much younger, and I'm sure sex with her was good, but please! Planning a future with someone based on a relationship formed and nurtured by lies and deception? Hey baby, go for it.

OK sorry, off of me and back to you. Every now and then my H talks about the FEELINGS. His fear that he won't ever feel for me again the way he wants to. The reality is he won't ever feel stage one in-love feelings for me again. The reality is those feelings do go away. Then what? But other, stronger, stable love feelings can be nurtured.

Yesterday I wanted to post to your H. I haven't done that yet. Frankly he kind of pissed me off about this whole feeling crap. I didn't want to LB him. I know my H has been sensitive to feeling judged. However, I might write to him anyway. Basically, it's not ALL about getting, it's about giving too. I don't know your story, but maybe you turned off sexually to him because HE was neglecting some of your basic needs.

I know everyone is saying not to LB, and they're right. My LBing Saturday caused him to want to reach out to OW. The only thing is we are only human, and it's hard to be perfect 100% of the time. We experienced an extreme trauma to every part of our being. It effected our eating, our sleeping, everything. Yesterday I was in fight or flight mode. Sometimes the pain just gets to us. So try and forgive yourself if you slip up. Your doing a he&& of a lot more than your H is doing.

Finally, this is just a thought. Others may disagree with me on this one. I have chosen not to read my H's posts for a few reasons. I want him to feel free to write what he needs to without worrying about my feelings. It's a time for honesty, and I don't think he would be honest if he knew I was reading what he wrote. The other reason is I don't want to know what he's writing. He's in fantasy land, but I still don't want to know if he is fantasizing about being with OW. Intellectually maybe I can handle it, but emotionally it is too hard. Do you think it might be helpful to take a break from reading what he's writing? Just a thought.

Hang in there. You know I'm rooting for you! CV

Mom & Dad,

This whole thing about the way the co-workers at the nursing home are reacting en masse to come down on MT3B and supporting OW just doesn't make sense to me. There is a woman here at our work who is an OW and nobody respects her. Even her friends are unhappy with her. IF OMW came here they'd step aside and give the wife her due.

So I got to thinking: people being what we are, the reaction against OW at the nursing home should be negative. If is is not, the only logical conclusion, then, is that the way the staff feels about MT3B is far more negative.

Now, why is that?

It is because OW has a big, fat mouth, dad, and has blabbed your personal business all over the home. She has downgraded your wife in front of the world and made her out to be a total bit*h from hell, that's why.

Now before you get real angry at OW for doing this, consider this: If she's making all of this up, you have some new insight into the kind of woman she is. But if she's just spreading the truth as she knows it about your evil wife, well, where did she get the ammo, dad?

When you point your finger at someone else, there are always three fingers pointing back at you.

~ Snow

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>