Originally posted by FinallyLearning:

People will start to talk to you about confessing to your H. IF you are like me, you will react with NO WAY!!! but i challange you to make that NOT NOW. work on yourself, free yourself from this addiction, post here, learn from others. you never know what might be the right thing to do in the future, worry about today right now and for today, you need to work on yourself and beat this addiction.

A wonderful part of a sensational post!

Brava!

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm telling you, having an affair has got to be as painful as being the spouse... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not the first and I won't be the last to let you know that this is so far from the truth. I mean no disrespect, but until you've been in these shoes (those belonging to the BS) don't pretend that you could possibly understand what it is like to walk in them. You made a CHOICE to have this A and these are the consequences of that CHOICE.

That being said,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, I wonder if this site is where I can express how I feel </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it certainly is BUT if you're looking for pity because you are the 'hurting OW' I don't think you're going to find much comfort here. This is a pro-marriage site so no one here is going to give you any advice on how to get your OM back. If, on the other hand, you're a WS who is looking for support, guidance, and understanding from someone who has been in your shoes, you're in the right spot...but, again, only if your goal for being here is to rebuild your marriage...not rebuild your A.

We all welcome you to MB. There are many wise people on this site who will help you through this.

Have you told your H?

Jetgirl,
Are you here to try to repair your own marriage? Are you going to tell your H what has happened? Just wondering...

I will respectfully tell you that making a comparison to being a scorned lover and being a faithful wife who has been cheated on is unwise on this site. I know that your pain is real, you made the decision to have the affair and the cheated on spouse is an unwilling 3rd party. Please do not allow yourself to believe that the pain is comperable.

It's kind of like comparing chicken pox to cancer, I have had them both...

I wish you the best of luck in repairing your life and hopefully working on repairing your marriage. Please don't take offense to my comments, I am trying to help you put this into perspective.

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

Jetgirl-
You are not alone here... you are very welcome here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm a fellow OW/WS, and I know that many other WS's have responded to you, as well as many BS's. I truly believe that the BS's (most, anyway) are trying to be helpful. I was hurt at first when I came here and I was told the cold, hard truth about how much pain I had caused my H. I now realize that no harm is meant by it, only help. People respond with what they know. BS's know the other side of the A... they respond from that place and help us OM's or WS's to see what pain we have caused and are causing, in hopes that we will be motivated to stop what we are doing, and stop destroying our M's.
Yes, it's difficult to let go... it was very difficult for me to wrap my brain and most of all my heart around the concept of NC. It really does need to be NC, though... I tried to fight that for a while, but finally had to admit it to myself and OM - it had to be total and final and complete. Every time that I talked to him, for one minute or for an hour, it just re-established my connection with him. I had to remember that he and I are both married. We have spouses, and we promised to love and cherish them. If I can't do that (love and cherish my H), then I need to work that out with my H. (H and I are going through Dr Harley's program, and I love my H and appreciate him so much more than I had in years!) I have no right to let OM meet my needs and act like he is my H. He has his own wife, and I have my own H. I have told myself these things over and over. They are truth - truth that I somehow let myself forget or disregard. It does not remove the feelings that had grown between OM and I... but it reminds me that I need to be strong and work on my own M, allowing OM to work on his M.
Also - I recommend telling your H. I was forced into telling my H about my A's, and it has been such an awakening for both of us. I was certain that he would leave me... but I was so very wrong! He had no idea how terribly I felt about our marriage. Now we are BOTH working on getting back the love that we once had. I now believe that it is totally possible to fall head over heels in love with my H again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> None of this process has been easy, of course... but I am now so glad that I was forced to tell him everything, and that I didn't give up on our M.
When I found myself wanting to call or email OM, I would call or email my H. He was very open to that and was very helpful because he knew about my As, and he wanted to be there for me... he wanted me to replace those memories of OM with good memories of him. I no longer think of calling OM first anymore... I look forward to calling my H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My husband would not have recognized my need for these calls if I had not told him about my A, though. He would have probably given me the brush off and not realized that I was struggling if he wasn't aware of who else I was tempted to call. He needed to know the truth so that he could have the opportunity to "fight for me" and to help me come back to him.

Your first post mentioned:
He broke it off with me, sort of. He said things have to be like this, for now. But he still called me, said he still loved me...it's complicated. Overwhelming.

Yes... it is overwhelming. I had pretty much the same experience... and that's why I had to tell the OM that NC had to be total. We had tried the "friend" thing... thought that we could handle that... but it wasn't possible. We still were thinking that we loved each other... we just didn't say it for a short while. Dr. Harley explains that those feelings don't just go away that easily, though - unless the OM/OW does something that makes us feel terrible, we still feel those same things for them. They fade into the background over time if there is NC, though. You may find that hard to believe right now... but it's true. Especially if you find ways to work on building your love back for your H at the same time.

I was so addicted to him, I couldn't see straight. It's pretty much over, but I still feel him everywhere...Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I know what you mean... and it's torture. It does get better, though! Call your H every time that you feel the presence of the OM... call a female friend... post here... do something to distract yourself - something constructive. You can do this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
CW

Hi and welcome. You are human and are very welcome here. I am over my H's A-except for the occasional flashback. I can see both sides very clearly and know that you are hurting. Let me just congratulate you on taking care of yourself and putting the first step foward. I know it will hurt for a while, but there is hope at the end of the tunnel. You need to love yourself because you have every right to have someone 100% heart and soul. Doing the right thing can be painful, but less painful than continuing to be hurt over and over again. Do something wonderful for yourself right now. Out there is a hurt wife and children thanking you for keeping away. I pray that my H's OW is happy now. I finally am at the point that I wish her only good things and a good relationship with someone who will cherish her 100%.

Dear Jetgirl,

Thought I would try to be supportive to your efforts at NC. Most of the discussion seems to have been about the A. Is there some way you can let your huband know what he can to to make your marriage more romantic for you, so that you will be less tempted to stray?

Is there anything that your husband is doing that could be changed, to make things better? How could you let him know?

Any secrets to share with us husbands who are interested in miinimizing our wive's temptation for straying?

Blessings

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

jetgirl:

You are very LUCKY to be getting the nice and special treatment so far. Anyone who wants you to think that the OP is welcome here --- yeah, right! Go chekc out my post of WANT TO KNOW ABOUT FOG AND BETRAYEL --- HERE YA GO! And check out the treatment I am getting. They are tearing me to pieces over there.

Good luck. NC is the answer. You are in a lot of pain and it is awful, but don't talk about how much you loved and miss the WS. You will be stoned to death here.

Seems like another WS has been frightened off the board.

This is a Marriage Builder's site. If we are WS's and we are building our marriages I think this is where we belong.

I can't help agreeing with Whiteknight just a little (I wouldn't dare agree with him a lot LOL) the tone on the board has become very anti-WS. I know that is entirely understandable but I have found the perspectives from both sides, the 2x4s, the understanding have all helped me more than I can say. My H can only be grateful I have come on here. If I hadn't I would have never understood the fog, the similarity in everone's stories, all of it.

You know us WS's are just ordinary people trying to make sense of things.

Jenny

Jetgirl is not being treated harshly. I went to read Whiteknight's thread and he deleted it. Whatever he said really set some people off, it's all in the presentation...

Keep working on things Jetgirl, NC is the answer and you can do it!

jetgirl...welcome to MB although I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I too am a FWW and I know exactly where you're at right now. You're not thinking about rebuilding your marriage or even how much you have hurt your H. You are totally consumed with the OM and your own feelings. When I first came on this board back in November, I was just where you are at right now. I was involved in an A for 10 months with a man at work. I was totally smitten with him.

I too found out after getting into the relationship that the OM had had 3 previous affairs. Jet...these men are predators. I hate to burst your bubble but they will say anything to get you into bed. I too had a hard time reaching the conclusion that he sought me out to use me. I'm not claiming to be innocent by any means, but I never sought out the A and was really vulnerable at the time and just plain naive. This man was way out of my league. He is a genuine player and he broke my heart!!

You deserve better and I will tell you this once you realize how he used you it will do wonders for the fog induced state that you are in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> !! Right now you are looking at all of the good things that he brought into your life. Yes, there may be some needs that these men met for a while but it wasn't worth the damage that we have done to ourselves and our h's.

The one thought that I will leave with you is that you and I were both involved with repeat offenders. That should shout something LOUD and CLEAR!!! I cannot imagine, God forbid, ever allowing myself to get into another A, I couldn't bear it, but yet these men have had 4 and the om that I was involved with once told me that he didn't know if I would be his last. He's not my problem anymore but God help his wife who is totally clueless!!!!

Go chekc out my post of WANT TO KNOW ABOUT FOG AND BETRAYEL --- HERE YA GO! And check out the treatment I am getting. They are tearing me to pieces over there.
You deleted your first post. How can we decide if you are getting torn to piece or not?
From som eof the replies, it seems that you tried to justify your affair and say it was okay.
Don't really know though.

jetgirl - you can pull out of this dive.

The following things have to occur - in time:

1. change the title of your post. "This OW means well" is contradictory. How do you "mean well" by being an OW? Do you mean by trying to NOT be an OW? Regardless, it suggests you do not yet have an understanding of what you have done - only what you think you ought to do. I suggest you change it to, "help me regain my self worth" or something to that effect that shows you're not rationalizing your past decisions.

2. confess to your husband. Send him here for our assistance.

3. get into counseling. Read the info and books referenced on this site.

4. write a NC letter to both your OM and his wife. Express your new found understanding that what you were doing was wrong and that the only course to recovery is to NEVER have contact again. Express your remorse to OM's wife. Have your husband review it and mail it for you.

5. resolve to win - honorably

Good evening everyone. I'm still here. Thankyou for all the support...I have learned alot from the replies. There weren't that rough. I understand that this site is pro marriage. I still am! I'm not pro A. If you lived through it, you could not be pro A. It's a horrible thing in the end. Too much pain-for nothing. I see my case might be different, that I have no intentions to tell my H. The problem is as I got older, my needs changed. But H won't change. For example, I think I'm very social...I want to go out with other couples, travel,etc. H has become a home body, not social at all. He gives me a hard time about this. Plus his new company takes up all of his time. It was around this time that I met OM. Totally opp. of H-he is very social...I was attracted to that. Anyway, every A has their own beginning...My head says it has to end, but my heart says how? He called today, and I broke the NC and answered. I was weak. I needed a fix. Thats exactly how it feels. I don't smoke, but It's got to be that same feeling.

my post os back up. Check it out. I was NOT trying to justify my affair, I was trying to point out what it felt like to be the WS and the OP ... and I was stabbed and shot at and had flames thrown at me. But the dust has settled and everyone is real cool now. I think everyone finally saw what I was trying to do.

It sucks to be the WS and the OP. And all involved need to deal with NC and WITHDRAWEL, and so it's a good idea that ALL involved know what the heck it is.

So go ahead and read it. It's there. I come across like a selfis jerk, but that's what I was, so there.

Dear Jetgirl,

There is a formula for men, called "THE LOVE DIET" which tells men how to treat their wives better. Some wives have reported substantial improvements in their relationships, after printing out THE LOVE DIET for their husband's. I think it is in TOMUCHCOFFEEMAN'S garage. I'll post this much and see if I can edit back with at least a link. I'll try to take the aproach to root for your husband to become more attractive for you.

Here is the link to THE LOVE DIET. This link should put you in the middle of a thread, at the right post. The Love Diet for Men to Increase Romance


Here is the Link to TOOMUCHCORREMAN'S Garage. It is links to neat references, to supplement MB. TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN has a neat approach of avoiding getting into arguments with people, as he puts one post on a thread, and that is it. I have been sorry sometimes when I have not followed his example, so I try to not stay longer than I can be constructive, which is admittedly a modification of his fine example. Here is the Garage: TOOMUCHCOFEEMAN'S Garage of References

Blessings

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Originally posted by whiteknight:
I was stabbed and shot at and had flames thrown at me

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Drama Queen Award goes to ----> "whiteknight" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

~~ wild applause ~~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You have a nutzo X-OW who may fire actual shots at you .... so don't worry about the words typed on your screen here at MB. We're pussycats compared to what you face in real life ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Pep

Originally posted by jetgirl:
I see my case might be different, that I have no intentions to tell my H.

Have you read this sites concepts? There are some really good things on it. Read all the healing from infidelity concepts before you make any decisions. Harley is an expert.

By the way ... you are not at all unusual that you don't want to tell your H. You've become a comfortable liar after 5 years.


He called today, and I broke the NC

And this is why you don't want to confess to your husband .... If your H was aware of your infidelity, it might put a damper on continuing your affair.

READ the concepts. You sorely lack reliable pro-marriage information.

Keep posting.

Pep

Jet

Yes this is a place where we(that's you and I) can hang out. Yes there are many BS's here but they are not out to get you. You can expect to hurt for a while. Just when you think you are getting better you will get knocked down again and again...share your feelings here, "They" will yell at you some times, "they'll comfort you sometimes and help you get headed in the right direction. You'll only get over him if there is NC. There will be many things that will bring him back but the only sure way of being free again is to have NC. Take a long look at Pepperband's post...( when I grow up I wanna be just like her
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )Copy it...read it everytime you think you can't stand NC. You'll get better...I did...we all did.
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl:
[QB] Good evening everyone. I'm still here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good! I'm glad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I understand that this site is pro marriage. I still am! I'm not pro A. If you lived through it, you could not be pro A. It's a horrible thing in the end. Too much pain-for nothing.

Too much pain? Definitely. For nothing? It doesn't have to be. It can be the push that is needed for a new beginning. I'm not saying that an A is right or the right way to fix a marriage - oh, my goodness, no! When my A's were exposed, though, my whole marriage changed. Nothing has been the same, and in many ways - that has turned out to be a good thing. I most likely would have ended my M if things hadn't changed.

I see my case might be different, that I have no intentions to tell my H.

I had no intentions of telling my H, either... I was forced to tell him when the OM told his W about us. I knew that she would tell my H (we were all friends), so I was forced to tell him myself.

The problem is as I got older, my needs changed. But H won't change. For example, I think I'm very social...I want to go out with other couples, travel,etc. H has become a home body, not social at all. He gives me a hard time about this. Plus his new company takes up all of his time. It was around this time that I met OM. Totally opp. of H-he is very social...I was attracted to that.

*nods* I haven't figured out yet whether my needs changed as I got older, or if I just finally figured out what they were... but my H was not meeting many of them... and I found other men who would. I didn't think that my H was ever going to change, either. I was wrong. I thought that he would never change, and that he would walk out on me as soon as he found out about my A. I could not have been more wrong! My H has worked very hard at understanding and meeting my needs. He was oblivious to everything that I tried to tell him before my A's were revealed, but as soon as he found out - he set to work on his part of the mess that we had created together.
If you don't tell your H about the A, he may never realize how important these needs are to you. He needs to have all of the information so that he can make an informed choice. I'm not saying that I can predict the future with certainty, but does it make sense to you that if you DON'T tell your H about the affair (1) he will never change, because he doesn't see the urgency in the situation - in other words, he sees no real need to change (2) you will end up back with OM or another A - looking to have those needs met somewhere else (3) you will end up in divorce, and your H will never have had the opportunity to learn to meet your needs (Dr Harley is a master at helping people learn to do just that, by the way)

My head says it has to end, but my heart says how? He called today, and I broke the NC and answered. I was weak. I needed a fix. Thats exactly how it feels. I don't smoke, but It's got to be that same feeling.

I know... unfortunately, it's not usually the kind of thing where we just wake up one morning and *poof* decide to end the A and that's it. I had screw ups and difficulties and days when it felt like my heart was being ripped out. It got better and better, though. There is a great deal of wisdom here... from the posters as well as the site's wealth of information from Dr. H. Keep coming back... keep reading... keep posting... keep open to the things that speak to your heart - to your situation. None of us are you - but many of us have been in a VERY similar situation.
I, of course, am far from an expert... but I do hear and feel your struggle. Don't give up. I belive that you want to do the right things, and you CAN do the right things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
CW

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 05:56 AM: Message edited by: captain's wife ]</small>