I'm sitting here posting to myself. Is that better or worse than talking to yourself? I think I need counselling.

Uh, you mean those things are bad??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Dewt, I wish I had advice for you. I'm just afraid all my advice is not very good and leaning toward the nutty side. I KNOW I need counseling. I've gone from the "run him into the ground with threats" plan to Plan A (when I found MB in January), to my version of a half-baked Plan B, back to no plan and now back to as much of a Plan A as one can do when the WH is not living at home, not seeing me and only calling for maybe 2 minutes per day.

Who says life is boring??

Seriously, I know you are going through a tough time and my prayers are with you.

LL

deut,

I'm glad that you're getting yourself under control (I call that self-soothing). A quick couple of things:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't actually asked her to do no contact. I want to so bad, but I know it has to come from her. Sometimes I think I'm going to ask anyway, but I don't because I'm afraid of what it will do to me when she says 'no'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Conflict-avoider. It's imperative that you act "honestly" under the MB plan, even in Plan A. If you want no contact, you need to ASK for it. Respectfully. If she says no, you can let her know how that makes you feel. If it's going to drive you so crazy---then it should probably be a prerequisite for moving back in together, and you should discuss it with her respectfully.

You ask how she could possibly waiver on this? Watch a heroin addict say they're going to quit, again and again---and continue to slip back to using. It's not a lot different. I watched my wife progressively get worse and worse over the course of eight months concerning this issue. You need to think of it as an illness or disease. It's not something she's doing to intentionally torture you.

And its good for you to have low expectations here. You'll be able to more easily recognize the good that Dylan is able to do for the marriage this way. It won't be easy for her, and the longer she putters around straddling the fence, the worse it's going to be (for both of you). You need to stay the course, and demonstrate good marital behaviors. Lead the way.

Hey LL,

Advice is not always needed. It's nice enough to know that someone gives a darn. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So thanks for popping in. I've been following your thread and my heart goes out to you. I feel like you are right around the corner from finding a hidden wellspring of strength. Don't know why I said that, it's just something that has occured to me repeatedly as I read your posts.

K,

While she was here, we touched on that topic a few times. She knows exactly how I feel about her continued contact. I'm leary of 'putting pressure' on her as that seems to be the trigger that keeps driving her away.

Also, she has not committed to saving this marriage. We will live together and 'see how things go' is as far as I can get with her. Still, it's a big step. Once she is here, she will see the changes I've made in myself and then I will have more opportunity to meet some of her needs.

As for being a prerequisite, well, any ultimatum, real or imagined would be very bad right now. I half want to slip back into my pseudo plan B so that I can avoid the pain of it and also avoid the temtation to lovebust. ie, ask about contact, fish for information, etc...

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this OW is worth all the damage being caused to our son, our marriage, me personally and Dylan personally too, but particularly our son... I understand the addiction concept, but still have a hard time accepting that it's Dylan doing this...

I'm trying to lead. It's frustrating because I know she knows all this MB stuff. I know she knows what the right thing to do is but she's immersed herself in numbness and steadfastly refuses to take a stand.

I'm going to pick up my older son for a weekend visit. It's about two hours in the car and I'll think about sending her an email asking for no contact. If she agrees, it will make rebuilding a lot easier. If she doesn't agree and sticks to what she said about no contact occuring when she leaves our old town, I will be left with the feeling that rebuilding our family is so unimportant to her and that will make letting go of the overwhelming resentment I have very difficult. If she does go with no contact, it will be a sign that she does have some concern for our family and that will boost my stregnth and resolve.

Decisions, decisions...

dewt

Well, I thought about it. Got myself pretty worked up about it too.

Here's the letter I'm not going to send:

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Dear Dylan,

I realize you have not yet decided whether or not you want to join me in my efforts to save this family.

I believe that our son and the long-standing love we have for each other are two very good reasons to make this work. I have hope that one day you will feel the same way too.

If that day should come, we will both be at the beginning of a long and difficult task- Rebuilding and healing our marriage, ourselves and each other. I say long and difficult because it took many years for us to get where we are and the wounds that we have suffered run deep.

Your continued contact with OW is causing me a great deal of anguish. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and am finding it very difficult to keep a positive attitude while you continue to see her.

I did not want to ask you to go no-contact with her. I wanted to have faith that your desire to restore our family and our marriage and build an awesome life together would overcome your feelings for her and you would take some steps on your own.

Right now I don't feel I have the stregnth to pretend I'm ok with all this and I just have to ask you, please, to stop seeing her.

I have to ask you, please, come home to us.

I have to ask you, please, I can't do this marriage saving thing alone. I need your help.

We love you. We miss you. We want you back.

dewt

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Like I said, I'm not going to send this. For now, I'm going to hold the fort and hang on for another day. This really sucks though. And that letter was kind of lame.

dewt