Hi Maria Elena,

I am cleaning my bedroom today and came across some notes I started collecting almost a year ago. I didn't write down the specific references (from various books and internet sites giving advice about adultery) so I don't remember where the following list originated.

You said:
"Now, if this had been a full blown PA, that's a different story. This was mostly phone calls, with face to face contact at a minimum. Still not a good thing, I know, but not as bad as it could have been, either, but still enough to drive me crazy and hurt me as I have never been hurt in my 53 year old life."

Because your husband and/or the OW didn't really confess the affair, your daughter caught and confronted them, IMO maybe you should be more cautious in your handling of the situation? Also, I thought you had posted that there were love notes and some kissing involved too? You seem to be assuring yourself that it was caught in the very, very early stages, before anything really happened? First of all, I wouldn't believe it was only what they got caught at or were willing to admit AFTER being confronted! And even so, the following list will give you an idea of just how far it had already gotten. While most people assume it's not really an affair unless/until there's fornication, actually that's just the last step of a pretty long process (except for the case of a one-night-stand I guess).

1) Sharing common interests

2) Mentally comparing with mate

3) Meeting emotional needs

4) Looking forward to being together

5) Tinges of dishonesty with mate

6) Flirting and teasing

7) Talking about personal matters

8) Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug

9) Special notes or gifts

10) Inventing excuses to call or meet

11) Arranging secret meetings

12) Deceit and cover ups

13) Kissing and embracing

14) Petting and high indiscretion

15) Sexual intercourse

So (maybe) they didn't get to #'s 14 & 15 before being confronted? Still IMO their behavior was EXTREMELY inappropriate. I don't think the church deacons are taking it seriously enough and still think the congregation has a right to be told.

Has the OW been confronted by any church authority yet? Is she still attending that church? Are the other wives aware that seh is a theat to their marriages too? What about the possibility of her involvement with other male church leaders (either already or in the future)?Have her parents been told yet?

BTW, how did you find out about the OW's affair with her boss? Aren't you worried that the same grapevine will spread the info about her affair with her pastor? Why assume fewer people know about her involvement with her pastor than about her involvement with her boss? It could very easily be revealed that you knew but went along with your husband, the OW, and the deacons in covering it up. You are not responsible for what choices your husband, the OW and the church deacons make... BUT you are 100% responsible for your own decision. Even though the church deacons are like your husband's bosses, they are not in authority over your marriage. YOU still have a decision to make regarding exposure. YOU still have certian responsibilities: to do all you can to ensure the affair really is over, to ensure your WH never thinks he can get away with this sort of thing again, to expose OW's problem to her parents and others who can then confront her and offer her the help she needs, to inform the congregation of something they have a right to know.

I'm sorry but IMO your husband and the deacons would be even MORE motivated to keep it secret if the affair had gone on longer and/or been more serious. I'm not buying the excuse to not expose it because it was supposedly caught in time. From what I've read and form my own experiences, exposure is the best advice. Will it anger some people when you expose it? You bet - but it's because exposure interferes with their immoral agendas. I guess if you don't want those peopel angry at you because of the exposure, you could just make sure the info gets out somehow without it looking as if you were the one doing the exposing... But since you do already know you still run the risk of having your complicity in the cover-up exposed. If I was in your congregation I would not excuse your complicity simply based on you letting your husband and/or the deacons make that decision. At the very least, you should put what you know, your feelings about it, any objections you may have to the cover-up, and your yielding to allow your husband and the deacons handle it, in writing, notarized and copied to your husband and the deacons. So if/WHEN it comes out in the open you can maybe try to defend your complicity somewhat?

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Well, I see your point. You know, however, our psychologist is against exposing this to the congregation. She says that if my husband is truly repentant and is making real changes in his behavior and character, then he deserves another chance, but has stressed that these changes include not putting himself into an area of temptation.

I will also say this. He has been through he** because of all of this. He never imagined all of the hurt that they would cause. I guess that's typical. It's still early, of course, but he really seems changed.

I am planning to talk with the OW. Yes, I know her parents should be told. I'm just not sure as to how to proceed. I am not going to just sweep this thing under the rug.

Of course, you don't know her, and I know her VERY WELL. As I have mentioned before, she isn't quite the innocent that all assume. She is extremely manipulative. I have seen that with my own eyes since this was revealed. We have been thrown together at some functions, and she has put on a show. Why no one else has really picked up on this is a miracle. She is so obvious! Why they weren't discovered long before they were is also unbelieveable!