JustJ - Well this is supposed to be Plan B, but Plan X sounds okay too. Welcome.

Here is ark's post.


posted March 07, 2004 06:11 PM
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I posted this to lostwithouther a short while back..

I liked this post...
I still pray now more than ever he can become the lighthouse....

I hope some others find comfort from the storm...


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK
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Well I made a little change tonight, I did something I never thought I would do. I highlighted the tips of my hair blond, change is good. If my W could see me now I look younger lol. Anyways is everyone else having a good night?

the lighthouse post.....

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

That's a great post ark. Thanks for that.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

See I told you it was a great post. Be the lighthouse. If you think about it that way it makes sense somehow. Now tinny about that hair? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . No I am sure you look great! I wish my WH had the b***s to do something like that when we were together but he never would. You are probably as handsome as possible now. Just think when she gets a glimpse of you now. Hey who did your hair? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Wasn't a woman now was it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .


HINY

It was a woman is that ok? I don't think I did anything bad. I just got my hair cut that's all. I'm not tempted by anyone I still love my W too much. I know she's made a mistake and we all do, I can forgive her. Well it's been offically one week in Plan B no calls from her no calls to her. So I'm doing good. How's everyone else today?

the lighthouse analogy was a very description of plan A and maybe a little of plan B (to a certain extent). my feelings about change vascilate depending on what the change is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but you're doing things to feel better about yourself and as the BS i don't think you can ever feel bad about that. there aren't very many male hairstylist out there so i wouldn't give it a second thought about the one who did your hair as being a woman. BTW that's how i met my H. we had a mutual friend a hairstylist. If i had never walked into topcut in september 1992 i would have never met my H.

congrats on the one week mark, what's your generally feeling of it? in other words, looking back do you think it was that difficult? of course there's pros and cons to whether you feel it was difficult or not but using your time constructively is never bad and you're doing a great job! keep it up, prayers to you.

Morning everyone...some great posts here especially the lighthouse analogy...I feel everyone's pain in regards to the things Ws's do...first WS changed password on accounts..then suggested separate credit cards and accounts..now wants to split all assets...he started a business after separation and by doing so I have no dibs on anything...he has racked up his credit cards in his name to the max and now needs some of our investment money to pay the bills...cries that if he does not get that money soon his business will go down the tubes..now should I feel sorry for him?...in the meantime I am spending very little ..just existing here so you see how twisted these WS's become ...it is all about them right now so let them go and do their thing...in the meantime get your life back on track and forget about them ...they are making their beds and will solely be responsible to what life deals them...Tinman hair sounds great...and I bet you feel great as well.. do things to improve your well being...that is my motto and I'm sticking to it...

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

RR well the first week is pretty hard I must admit. I find myself sitting wondering what my W is doing if she's ok and such. My B is so easy because unlike some WS on here mine hasn't called me and I could sit here and worry about what that means, you know BS mind wondering Jedi trick. When I have felt the need to call her I just call family instead and that really seems to help, just having someone to talk to. Some nights are better then others, I still worry about us having no kids so there's no other pressure to do the right thing besides her family. W doesn't talk to her mom (mom doesn't like her living with a man and she never has that's why she didn't like me for a while) or her sister at all the only one she says she can talk to is her BIL. On a brighter note though all the woman at work like my hair and I feel really good about myself today, there's nothing like having the ego stroked.

Tinman,

Glad to hear that you are doing alright. Great idea with the hair! I bet it looks great. Sometimes it feels so good to do something for ourselves, doesn't it? I also spent some money on myself this weekend. I got my hair highlighted in blond and I bought a bunch of new Spring outfits.

I know what you mean about the fact of not having any children. My H and I do not have any children either, even though we want some and we had actually started trying for one. But nothing had happened yet! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sometimes I fear that this may make it just so much easier on the WS to leave. Nobody else to think about... But then, the WS shouldn't really stay just for the sake of the kids, should they? They should want to stay in the marriage because they love their spouse, correct? So, therefore it shouldn't really matter if you have kids or not.

During a Christmas Party with friends in December, my H made an annoucement to everyone that we are going to start trying for a baby now. This was almost five months after D-Day and he had told me that OW was out of his life. Well, we had already started trying to have a family when I found out in February that he had talked to her basically every day, sometimes several times a day. Go figure! I confronted him and he gave me some lame excuse about her having problems with her fiancee and a death in the family. Then I found out that he had bought her a Christmas present and mailed it to her. The same bath beads that I got! Wonder how she likes them???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

All this has really crushed me a lot and now I wonder that everytime he gives me a gift, if he gave her one as well....

I've also exposed the EA to family and they will talk to him about it. He'll probably get angry and defensive with me and I worry about it a great deal, but after having gone for eight months without telling anyone, I just couldn't handle it anymore. It relieved so much from me and I did not blast him for the EA, but I also took responsibility for my actions with lead to the current state of the marriage with his and my family. I want them to know that I am not the perfect person that they may think that I am, BUT that it also does not excuse him running off and having an EA.

I think you're doing great. Keep doing good things for yourself and I think your Plan B is working out perfect so far... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Kati

The 'lighthouse' post from ark made me cry. Lighthouses withstand sometime the strongest storms and even hurricanes, don't they....

Kati

i'm w/you guys too on the kids thing. i was never one that "wanted" kids but thought i probably would some day, my H always wanted kids but the last couple of years he said he could wait and was actually glad about that. now, i'm more sad to think i won't get that opportunity.

tinman, do you know that you're going to be the plan B master? i can tell already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

kati, you did a gread job w/the exposure and i feel by reading your post that you do feel relieved by doing that and you did it w/class.

keep up the good work guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i don't have any money to spare to really treat myself ugh!! because i'm spending it on SH and i know that's helping. maybe after i lose a few more pounds though i'll treat myself to a new outfit instead of just trying to fit into my old clothes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> prayers to you.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

I'm doing great in my half-baked Plan B. I have been doing it for 7 months. WH left me completely alone for the first 3, then started showing up.

The great part about Plan B is that it helps no matter if WS comes back or not. I have completely changed and am having a good life without him.

I even held up the D papers at the lawyer so that WH could retire, something he has always wanted to do. He will be getting a big bonus, and will retire on the 30th. He was very grateful and happy. I'm sure this is not in Plan B, but I just don't want to hurt him. He used to be a good man.

So I still feel good about my decision, although he and OW might be planning "The Great Escape". OW's H is calling me everyday and saying she is moving all of her things out of his house. So I think they might move out of state together.

But I don't think about it too much. My life is good, with or without him. Hang in there everyone.

RR,

Girl, you have lost so much weight and you DESERVE a few new outfits. I know how important the counseling sessions with SH are for you, BUT you also need to do something for yourself and believe me a new haircut/color, new clothes can do wonders. I'm not a big shopper and I used to NEVER spend money on myself and I think that was one of the things that my H did NOT like about me - my thriftiness etc. Well, that's about to change. Heck, I'm only young once and I have a great figure NOW, so what the heck. I'm going to look good. And if I'm going down, I'm going down looking good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Regarding the kids issue, I've always wanted to have children. I love children and my biggest dream is to become a Mom and help my child explore and discover the world and hopefully I will be able to help him/her to become the best person that they can be. This would make me just so proud. My H had never really expressed interest in children, but I think that most of his disinterest is to blame on me because of the intimacy issues in our relationship. Once all that was no longer an issue, I wanted to just enjoy sex with him for a while and have fun and experiment, but then he started all of a sudden talking about how much he wanted to have a baby with me. I could hardly believe my ears, but it made me just SO happy. That was until I discovered that during all of this time, he was still in contact with OW, well at least after a few months of NC, she contacted him again and it resumed.

I'm 34 years old now and sometimes I do not think that I will ever become a Mom. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

RR, I don't feel too good about having exposed the EA to family (not all; just a few very select people whom I'm very close to), but I worry that my H will be just so angry with me. It is just so hard to be strong all the time and always acting like there is nothing wrong, when there is something hugely wrong. I have kept all of this inside since last August and I think part of me feeling so bad is not being able to talk about it with anyone. I don't want anyone angry at my H's about his wrongdoings and I don't want people to think that I'm a perfect wife because I'm not and that is why I told everything, even my issues with intimacy. I wanted them to understand what had happened.

Now, you go save a little bit of money, RR and you get yourself some new stuff. Summer is just around the corner and I think that you will feel great in some new clothing. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it sure will make you feel so much better.

Take care of yourself!

Kati

NO I hear you how WS has no consideration, like we should expect that. I know I should know better it's just one of the little things that eat at you over time. I'm sorry to hear your situation is the same. When I found out about the A I went online right away and took my W off the GM card. I did it because I was angry, now I just think it was the smart thing to do not saying that my W would go crazy with the card. Just better to be safe then sorry later on because she's in the fog induced state of mind.

Kati thanks for the post I know that the WS coming back should be based on wanting to save the M, but if you think of the problems with a DV couple with kids child support and the finacials involved it just seems a person would want to work on that instead of throwing all the money away. I know a relationship is not built on money and I want to so believe what you wrote about knowing that we are good people and wanting to work on our M together. Just now it's hard to think that way. It's funny my W and I were working on kids about 8 or 9 months ago and now we're in this terrible situation. I think we both wanted so bad to have a child, that's was what I was hoping would happen this year but oh well. Who knows what my future holds maybe as fast as this started it will end.

Christy haven't heard from you today. How are things?

Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

cristyv, i am back, and i am going to post more to you in other thread, but i saw your hurting post here. i am sorry, hang in there!!!!

Christy,

Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.
Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.Hug.

One for each hurt.Sorry you are down today.Keep that chin up.You can do it.

O

tinman, checking in on you today. do you have any big plans for the weekend? are you getting hit by any of these storms? is your family near you at all? i don't remember if you've said. continued prayers to you.