Got it...working on it!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Happy B'day, Tinman! You are doing great and you are very strong. You are not in an easy position and I really admire you for the love, strength and resolve that you are showing for you wife and your marriage. You are truly a gem and I hope your wife 'wakes up' soon and realizes what she's got.

I think the recent developments with her 'letter' to you are a good sign. She is starting to think about you, what you are up to and if you are thinking about HER. This is all good. Please stay strong and stay in touch.

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a good time tonight with your friend.

Kati

Kati thank you for the support and birthday wishes. A year older a year wiser and feeling good about being in control right now. I must admit the closer it gets to quitting time the more nervous I get. I just hope she's not there when I get home. If she is I guess I won't stop since that will probobly be my only option and she just doesn't get her mail oh well. I think this is the best course of action for me I've been thinking about this all day. I will update tonight after I get home from the bar. Thanks all of you for your support.

Octobergirl hang in there, you are a strong woman, I don't know if I could go through this twice but you are and that shows how much character you have.

Hi everyone...my day has been hell on wheels...this is why I need the 2 x 4....WS had to come up in regards to a repair...I asked him about a charge to our joint account as we agreed to only make purchases for gas and household bills...he tells me he took a friend (male friend) out to lunch...I just replied umhum and he flew off in a rage.. threw some money at me and left.. this man has so much anger in him it is sad...he flies off the handle at the first little peep from me....I am beginning to wonder if this is really worth all this anguish...I have tried gently to ask him get some help but he does not see that he needs it...he justifies his guilt with anger towards me at all times now...if this man will not help himself I just don't know anymore...he has not tried to make any changes in his life...he tells me he will not be treated like crap ...but the bottom line here is he feels like crap and will not get help...stated today he had a woman who treats him nice.....he does not get it that I am hurting here and if he would make the effort to get rid of this woman I would treat him nice as well if he gave me the chance...he is so resistant to do this it makes me sick...maybe it is time to say I have to look out for me..in future I will look after all repairs and not involve him...he complained to day he had no money and was living in a dump compared to me but my God ..he chose to leave...he does not get it...after this latest episode I am definitely cutting off all contact...just too damn hurtful...if he flies off the handle over this ..how does he ever expect to make things work...I think he waits to see me to vent his anger at whatever is bothering him at the time... I have changed and will not take this abuse from anyone..he complained today that he was not some freak... as I sent him the post regarding In The Fog and how MB's folks were trying to get him to see that he had to get rid of OW...his statement was it was all crap...do you really think he believes this..or is this just guilt talking?...anyway ...I'm back with you Tinman...please help me stay dark.....you know when WS has to come up I never know whether he will be Dr.Jekyl or Mr. Hyde but after today I am not taking the chance to find out and go through this anguish anymore...the thing is when I cut him off he gets mean and nasty so thought I would play Mrs. nice with him and try the happy medium with being in contact when he comes up but now know either way I will be met with grief <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trying to be a lighthouse....feel like an outhouse.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep defintitely feels like me today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Everyone - let me pick you up and dust you off. Plan B does work, just keep trusting in that. I have to go look for flying by the instrument panel post.

Okay, found it. This is a post from a BS whose WH wanted a divorce and did not want to talk about it or go to counseling. They are now reconciling.


This is a helpful analogy that follows MB principles, that I read in a book. I used it in one of my posts, and a member thought I should also post it here, to share with more people. I hope you all find it as helpful as I do.

As quoted in a book the counselor at my church recommended called "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat (which even has a chapter on how to make your marriage work when you are the only one who wants it to work), I have to fly using my instrument panel. Meaning, I can't see what is going on, it is dark and stormy, and the only way I can get where I want to go is to watch my instruments (stick to my plan, read my books, make myself happy, seek guidance from God) and not concentrate on what is going on outside the airplane, because it is confusing and disorienting and will cause me to crash if I focus on it.

So all of you out there, even though what you are doing is going against every instinct you have, even though it seems like your plane is going down in flames, don't believe any of that. Watch your instruments - make your plan and stick to it - and you will be safe and sound. Definately safer than your WS right now, because they are so lost in the fog, they cannot even see their instrument panel! You will have to fly right for both of you.

Please go to your library and check out the above book. I'm sure I didn't do that great analogy justice. That is just the jist of the idea. Take care all and stay postitive and pray!

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But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

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I really like that story when I first read it.

I vote that we all meet at Believers house for a BBQ and some pina coladas then gather around a camp fire on the beach to talk about *anything other than our WS's!(Believer you DO live by the ocean right?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL


O

Yep Octobergirl, I live by the ocean, and WH does not, thanks to you, hehe. It is hot here today, over 100 degrees, very unusual for this time of year.

Sounds like a plan. We can go swimming and surfing, have a fire on the beach, then go to Mexico dancing all night. Next day, a trip to Disneyland.

I have seen so many people here recover their marriages by sticking to the MB program, even when it seemed everything was completely hopeless. Too bad I can't stick to Plan B, but I have done it enough where I now have a great life, even though WH is still with OW. He is starting to come out of the fog, but still has the monkey on his back.

Ok all here's the update for my night. Went to my friends house to get ready to go to the bar and my wife calls my cell, of course I don't answer because I am the darkman (NO I'm going to be an example for you) anyways my W leaves a voicemail I listen and she asks me to let me know when I want to talk. Well that's an easy answer not until you want to work on our M. She did thank me for putting the mail in the mailbox for her woopidedoo. I was disappionted that she didn't say Happy B'day but oh well maybe I expect too much. I did well tonight, I was tempted to answer the cell but I didn't. I just wonder if she won't respect my demands and come by unannouced one day and pound on the door, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I just hope she might have been wondering where I was at hehehe, I know under handed tacticks.


Now on to you NO, I think our WS look for confrontation from us so we look like a terrible person in thier eye's so they don't feel bad about the A. It's like oh my W is such a dirty so and so why would I want to be with her. Now when you go into a good Plan B you take this out of the senerio and the WS has to look for something else to find this rationalization. If you don't give this to the WS they will have to start looking at theirself. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

I went for an overnight mountain trip with my colleague yesterday. I thought i needed the break but the trip only reminded me of what i used to have. Everywhere i walk reminded of the place WH and me used to do. I am still wallowing in the pit. Tempted to break again but nothing happening yet. I need to get out of this cycle. Its so hard to get out if you fall badly.

At the rate i am going it seemed i am breaking plan B approximately once a month. I guess that is not too bad.

I will try to go longer.

You see...as i am writing this...i just receive a text message from him saying hope you had a good time and the needed break.

I wont reply to that. But i am so tempted.

Thanks for the reply everyone...and believer the flying analogy is a good one...and WS is a private pilot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> go figure...anyway today new rules...no answering emails...if I need someone to help me at the house I will get help elsewhere with things I cannot do myself...and no answering the phone...he can now see what it will be like to be shoved aside...thanks everyone and Tinman I'm with you all the way on this one...

well today is another day for everyone and hope it's a good one for all.

N.O. you've offered words of encouragement to me and wish the same to you. i'm still new at this and i'm not in plan B so take this for what it's worth. i can't remember where i read it because i have read so much since Dday but it went something along the lines of what you and others have said. that the reason why your WH is so mad and is taking it out on you is because the way he feels about himself, he is doing it to make himself feel better even if it's subconsciously. i know what i say is nothing new to you. but as adult learners a lot of times we have to hear things a million times before it sinks in. so until you go to PBL/dark always keep that in mind that he's mad because of what he's doing and that you are in fact being nice to him.

believer, thanks for the reminder of the instrument panel. when you said something in regards to the WS being in the plane and going down in flames and not knowing it, not having an instrument panel, i suddenly had an image of a theme park ride. but this also relates to what you said about us BS being alright no matter what. by this i mean we BS can still liken the plane ride to a theme park ride because if we do what we need to do we will be alright but the WS is on a theme park ride that has gone bizzark (sp?) and if they could only see the instrument and/or instruction panel they could get out of the ride but they are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see through the fog.

tinman, absolutely great job for last night. i don't think you're being under-handed. when i don't answer my H's calls i just think to myself what's the harm in him thinking about what i'm doing or worrying about me? you know from the how does it feel standpoint? even though i'm not in plan B i still feel this is a good tactic and that's what i'm all about right now is being strategic and the right tactics to achieve my objective. how's the smoking thing by the way?

bravo to all and continued prayers to you.

oops wrong place..sorry
Lmh

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Just got another call on my cell from my wife just a few minutes ago, how funny. She left a voice mail and I listened to it. It was short just said "This is W give me a call back". I don't think so. I wonder what Jennifer will have to say about these developments tonight, I kinda like being persued by my W even though it might not be for the right reasons.

It is working. Don't blow it. It is working. Don't blow it. It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it. It is working. Don't blow it.

So....do not call her back. And in all honesty, you may be torturing yourself to even listen to the messages. Chris and AMM gave me some good advice in the past...that was, no contact MEANS no contact. Not, she leaves you a message and you listen to it, but NO contact.

Your W knows if she wants to recommitt to the marriage and earn your time and attention, she needs to send off that little letter, so unless it is a cc' of an e-mail, or a copy of a letter in the mail, don't take the calls.

You may want to contact intermediary and say, hey, I know W has been trying to contact me, about what, I am not sure, because I do not field calls or MESSAGES from her, so, would you mind reaching out to her and seeing if you can be a resource to facilitate any IMPORTANT communication?

It is working. Don't blow it. It is working. Don't blow it. It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it.It is working. Don't blow it. It is working. Don't blow it.

Darkman! Steelman. On-his-way-to-getting-his-wife-back-man! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am getting strength from everyone in plan B. I have only been there a week. I have urges but then call family and get through them. My hardest thing is dealing with my pregnancy alone. We planned this and he stated he couldn't wait to be a dad. He know thinks he will be a good dad despite the fact that he loves OW. I am due in August and I can't help but think about the future of my child. How will I deal with my H and OW during delivery, visitation. How will he know how to take care of him? It is frustrating. I wish I could just loose him but I can't.

He is coming over tonight to mow. I will be gone.I think I may just hire someone but don't really want to waste the money.

Any advice?

Durham, I would not let him come over to mow the lawn and play pretend husband. He is just doing it to assuage his guilt. Let him experience his guilt, don't protect him from that by giving him a fix!

I would send him an email telling him that you have hired someone to take care of it and ask him to respect the no contact you requested in your letter. It would be well worth the $15 to hire some kid to do it.

If he shows up anyway, just tell him politely to read your Plan B letter again, that you have hired someone to take care of those things. Then close the door.

Melody,

Do you do Plan B. I think that is what I am going to do next. My only thought was him seeing the nursery almost done. He had no part of it. I have had someone paint, put up the dresser, ect.

tinman, in regards to listening to your W's messages i see 2 different things 1) like what was said just above not to even listen to them that NC means NC even for you 2) HOWEVER, if it were me i would listen to them because it would make me feel better knowing that i'm doing the right thing and it would give me encouragment. not sure if that makes sense. what if anything do you know about the OM right now? is she still living w/him? don't remember if you've said.

durham, nothing we can say is going to make things easier but maybe one way to look at the situation is to imagine that your H has passed away. i know that might sound sort of sadistic but if that did happen regardless of the A you would still have to do things (stuff around the house, raise the baby, etc.). you have not been given a choice by your H on what to do but you have chosen a plan for you and i wish you continued strength and hope you are in counseling.

good luck tinman w/the session w/jennifer tonight and you better keep us posted. i noticed how you didn't respond to my question about smoking, was that on purpose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ? you know i'm just giving you a hard time right? anyway, prayers to all of you and keep up the good support thread.