A married man is paying a lot of attention on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It feels good again to be wanted again. I know...i must becareful i dont end up becoming the OW... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is wrong to have a relationship with another man assuming he is not married while you are still in this situation (plan B)???

I have been thinking a lot about this.

I see my situation as hopeless. He will never come home. He is stuck in never never land.

I am moving on. But how far should i go? If i found someone along the way should i go with this new person and dump WH or hang on to WH and ignore OP???

Since you are still M zizzy, you know what is right and wrong here. Do you still believe your M is salvageable? Is it fair to the OP you might meet to be in a relationship with you when you are still M? If your in a relationship with OP and your H see's the light and ends the A what would you do in that situation? In the end if you do get involved in a EA while in Plan B two wrongs don't make a right. JMHO

Thanks tinman...i needed to hear that.

But what if i dont want him back anymore. I know the recovery is going to be tough. I have been through too much...3 false recoveries...countless lies...1 false plan B...a pretty okay plan A which lasted only 3 weeks...did plan B and fall off the wagon twice only to have my face shove into the mud by WH...

I cannot see any reasons why i want him back.

If i quit now and divorce him then wont i be free to look for a new mate? Isnt a new partner better than this one that has gotten me through hell for the past 8 months!!!!

I have been tormented with pain and humiliation that i cannot see the road anymore.

Yes if you DV you can do what ever you want, and if you do DV you know that you gave every effort to save your current M. No one can tell you what to do this is a decision that you have to make, like 2longs post to me on this thread "You know the right thing to do"

GGGGGGGGRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this may be the first time that I vent here.

I just had a long talk with MIL, initially about intermediary stuff, but it drifted to M talk. I know I shouldn't do that, but it just happens sometimes.....

Anyway, MIL and FIL were surprised/concerned that it (A#3) has gone on too long, and that WW won't turn back toward the M. We chatted about a lot of things. MIL related some fogese from WW about how OM was nice to her, etc, etc.

I started to actually get angry about this crap, b/c I ALWAYS treated WW like gold/goddess/princess, etc. She said that she was washing her car and OM offered to make a sandwich for her. Ethan never did that. Jeeeeeeeezzzz. I only cooked dinner every night for her, and every time I went shopping for anything (household stuff, etc) I would get something specifically for her (flowers, bath soap) ALWAYS. But I never did anything nice. What a load of crap.

I started thinking about the post that ark^^ wrote about devaluing the spouse. I have thought in the past about what a joke I had become to WW. She and OM1 had a nickname for me...."The Walrus" how F'n cute! She had zero respect for me, for my feelings, why? Because I loved her, gave to her endlessly and ALWAYS put her first. She never had to give anything to me for me to love her. Was that a mistake on my part?

So I look at myself now. In good shape, still intelligent, outgoing, faithful. And I honor what? We haven't had a relationship with just the 2 of us for close to 3 years. "I don't know why I can't be happy with Ethan." Probably because she never tried. She never F'n tried.

I'm sorry to vent, but I just don't deserve this. I really have always put my wife first. Won't someone appreciate that?

Sorry for the vent...


Ethan

Ethan I hear you man I treated my wife like gold and this BS is what I get in return. I don't know about you but I'm starting to believe in the nice guys finish last BS. Oh and you can vent here anytime you want that's what we're here for.

still wish i could say i treated my H like gold but i didn't and that's what contributed to this situation. even though he is the one that is having the A, i still feel a lot of guilt because of the way i was and for so long and that's probably why doesn't want to try, aside from the fact that now he's addicted to the OW. if my H gave me another chance i could very easily get over the guilt that i have but until then it will still continue to be a long rough road, prayers to all of you.

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! #2

I just can't shake this today. I'm hoping that someone can focus me, get me back on track.

Through all of this, I haven't put forth much anger. But I feel it starting to rise up. How do I handle this part?

MIL also told me that OM#1 was sniffing around again after he saw WW and OM3 out one night. I wonder why? OM#2 sniffs from time to time, calls my WW a w**** and a psycho b/c he's not in the action. OM#3 started the PA part with my WW about 1-2 weeks after she was done with OM#2. There has been one person that has shown her the respect that I always believed she should be treated with. Me. The one person she swore to love and honor. The one person who defends her to this day. The only one who has stood up for her a million times over. And what do I get for it? I get to hear my W's justifiations, what I wasn't.

None of the things that I did or gave that went unseen. The love I showed through our hardest times. The love I show her today. I was/am a joke to her. A f'n joke. I don't understand how the one man who has shown her undying love and the utmost respect can get treated this way.

When is enough enough? I saw BrokenHubby's post on the recovery board. I felt/feel everything that he has. I feel like getting out. I would love to have someone treat me the way I've treated WW. I'm not perfect, but I'm improving my faults.

So that's where I am. I just wish God would show me what he wants me to do. I have always felt that I could wait this out. But I feel like I'm holding on to the tattered remains of what once was. I have a hard time believing that God truly WANTS me to get a D.

I have no desire to break my plan B. Today was the first day I have felt like filing for the D myself.

What am I standing up for anymore?

Help. Please.

Ethan

oh gosh ethan, i have a real hard time considering that God may not want me and my H to get back together. why would God want this? my pastor doesn't feel God does and SH doesn't feel that way. my mom just says that i need to consider that. what better of a testimony could i be to my H then to show and prove to him the miracles that God has worked inside me? i am literally just not able to get angry right now, i can't believe that, i mean i don't even get mad if someone pulls in front of me on the road, the anger is just not there and that is soley because of God and i have to keep praying that i will continue what i'm doing and that evenutally my H will be convicted to stop the A and will soften his heart to me again.

maybe in light of the new info you have and your current frustrations you start to detach more from your IL's? i don't know it's just a thought. i would probably at least let them know (again) that it is just to painful for you to talk about and while you love their daughter and want your M to be rebuilt you are just not able to discuss it w/anyone except your therapists (us). because maybe your MIL tells you these things to see how you react and then report it back to your W. don't know, just another thought.

i'm sure you have heard about Job from the old testament in the Bible and all he went through and he refused to curse God for what he's going through. not that you are cursing God but that everyone around him was telling him to curse God, even his wife, and he didn't. his wife eventually came around to understand why he couldn't and maybe that's your role now.

here's another things to keep in mind, i can't take credit for them, some i have found on this site by other posters and others i have found on the internet.

"of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds"

"life is a storm my young friend. you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. what makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes." the count of monte cristo.

"be good to those who are good and to those who are not, for good ness increases goodness. have faith in those who are fiathful and in those who are not. for fiath brings greater faith and goodness and faith bring peace." 500 BC by Lao Tzu

"the Lord replied, my son, my precious child, i love you and would never leave you. during your times of trial and suffereing, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that i carried you." from FOOTPRINTS author unknown.

"if you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." chinese proverb.


wishing you much strength and continued prayers, RR

Ethan calm down bud, maybe you need to stop talking to your MIL about your M and your W, I think in Plan B it needs to be total darkness about what your W is doing. You have no control over what she does now anyways so there's no sense in worrying about it. It's now time to work on yourself ok. Your into your second week of Plan B and I felt some of the things your feeling right now. In fact I feel that way now since my W totally disreguarded my boundries by showing up at our house unannounced, big set back for me. Like I said start looking after yourself for now and don't worry about what your W is doing. JMHO You'll get through this.

Hi Guys,

Been there, done that. I usually lurk and not post, but I think I can give you another view of your situations. A divorce is not always the end of the relationship. Sometimes a divorce is a great Plan B. After years of Plan A, and six months (+) of the old roller-coster when she left. Our divorce was final. Guess what? Four years later, she was back, wanting to remarry me.

Actually, during the six months, someone told me she would be back. I can tell you now, I didn't believe it at all.

So if you really believe she is the one, hang in there. If she doesn't return, would it have been worth while to try to keep the marriage together anyway.

So RAG...

Did you two remarry? How long ago? How is it working?

This will probably sound very stupid. But when I got married, H and I made a covenant with God. I am going to honor that covenant and my marriage.

WH is still with OW, but I am honoring my marriage. That is my responsiblity. If we end up divorced, then I will no longer have to honor the marriage. But until then, that has been my vow, and my choice.

tinman, just checking in w/you and the rest of the crew on this thread. hope everyone has picked themselves up and started today fresh. prayers to all.

Went to our joint bank account today saw a check in there to the US Dept and State so I don't know what it's for but I'm worried. Man this sucks. Anyone have any ideas?

Hi everyone...well I haven't posted for a few days on this thread as I have been dark and therefore nothing to post but have been reading and keeping current of everyone's progress..the only contact I had with WS was a meeting I had informing him of my intentions to file for legal separation next week...here is his reply by email ...any comments or suggestions would be helpful here guys:

BS...I want you to know that I have heard everything that you have said to me. Sometimes I resent some of the comments, but I do want things to be right also. I guess what scares me the most is trusting that you would not be resentful forever.....I did see how you were looking at me the other day at Mamas (restaurant) and you looked sincere. I need for you to give me the space that I need to get this done without preaching to me......and telling me what I should do.....I am not going to drag this on forever.....I will be the man that you want me to be as long as you are the woman who can hold your anger in check and think before you act....you have been more than patient I know....please lets keep this private...when you talk to other people it always ends up being harmful........it's very hard ....I just need to keep seeing the kind side of you...not bitter comments, threats, guilt or questions....I hope you understand that.....I would like to meet with you the middle of next week if that is OK, talk, and just try to be nice to each other..WS

Of course if OW is not out of the picture I will not be meeting with him or talking to him

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

NO I can hear the faint din of a Foghorn in the back round, maybe it's you H trying to find his way home. Stay dark though and like you said no talking till OW is out of the picture and on her [censored]. I also believe that your H's problem with you being resentful for the rest of your M is what my W problem is. In my statment to her "Do you think that if we did work on our relationship I would use the A as ammunition against you?" Her reply (she started crying at this point) "anyone would" I said "I'm not anyone I'm the man that loves you" So I think my W is in the same boat as your H. We shall see huh.

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

agree w/tinman if your goal is still to rebuild your M. consider talking to one of the MB counselors if you haven't already, it's immediate professional feedback specific to your situation. it would give you a great deal of control in your situation. if your goal is no longer to rebuild your M then meet him and do what you have to do. prayers to you.

Of course my goal would be to rebuild my marriage...thus Plan B..WS's emotional state right now is very fragile..his new business is apparently failing and he was a man who was always on top...thus the reason for the legal separtion...I have to protect what assets are left...get my money and go forward...if he comes around fine... if not I will have funds to go on with my life without worrying and being in limbo financially... he stated to me that if this new business fails he will leave town...I stated to him that was not the answer...he has to face his issues face on and not run away or bury his head in the sand as he has always done...I gently suggested a therapist to help him deal with everything..to date he has not ...as WS mentioned in email he could tell I was sincere and caring about him with any LBing...He also sees I am strong with me head on straight...hope he does some serious thinking in the days to come...

NO

It sounds like you are doing a good job. Keep strong and keep trucking. You are right about the financial stuff. They are so far in the fog they even tend to let that stuff go. Good Luck!

HINY