Things are looking bleaking than ever. And I did expose Wh to his work colleagues, so I do not think I have hit bottom yet. I cannot wait until that happens, so I can start on my ascent back up to healing my broken heart!

Hanging in there, although I did take the bait and called WH this am when I got his cowardly, I want a divorce, e-mail. Back into no contact.

That's how they suck us in Christy. Go back to the darkness.

This is how I feel

Would have given up my life for you
Guess it's true what they say about love
It's blind
Girl, you lied straight to my face
Looking in my eyes
And I believed you 'cause I loved you more than life
And all you had to do
Was apologize

You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me, again

No, no, no, no, no, no

Sadness has me at the end of the line
Helpless watched you break this heart of mine
And loneliness only wants you back here with me
Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me
And all you had to do
Was apologize, and mean it

But you didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me

Wish like hell I could go back in time
Maybe then I could see how
Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try
But it's too late, it's over now

You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me
Again

Again, yeah, yeah
Again, again, again, yeah, yeah, yeah
Never get to love me

Oh Tinman...this moved me to tears <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and here's one I posted awhile back...this is my hope that all BS's get to hear this....

Artist: Hoobastank
Song: The Reason

Lyrics:

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

NO that is a great song, don't think I'm wierd or anything but that song I posted is by Justin Timberlake.

No not wierd...whatever helps to get you through another day...just one day at a time is what we are striving here for Bud <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

well good morning everyone. i'm glad that there are songs that help you guys. i personally do not listen to music anymore. it just became too painful and sad in one way or another and now i just listen to a Christian radio station that has messages on it and since i started listening to that and stopped w/the music i don't feel as bad.

anyway, hope you guys are starting today fresh. i just had a session w/SH and will be posting that soon under my "session" thread. i emailed one of the moderators to find out how to edit the title. have a good day and prayers to all of you.

RR thanks for checking in, I'm fine today. Had to take the day off from work had to take my truck in to get some work done on it. I wanted to mow the lawn today but it looks like the weather isn't going to cooperate oh well.

Well today is 3 months since my W left kinda sad but I'll be ok. I still look for positives, like I have not received any DV paperwork so I guess that's a plus.

RR I know you think I should do more counseling but I don't think I need it, I'm doing really well I'm not even on anti D's. Right now I'm just living life for me and no one else since I don't have to worry about anyone else. Took me a while to figure that out but I did. One other thing I'm not going to do anymore is look at our joint bank account it doesn't do me any good since I have no control over my W actions. I'll let her live her psudo life right now and hope she realizes the mistake she's making.

I hope everyone else has a great day today.

i hear what you are saying and i'm glad. i just don't want you to think that you HAVE to wait 4 weeks b/w sessions and if you feel like you need that kind of feedback to not rule that out. ok?

BTW thanks for reminding me about the 11th <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> that was my DDay. actually thinking that this is the 3 month mark makes no difference to me but maybe that's because i talked to SH this morning and i know that in the grand scheme of my world that i still have a loooooong way to go. keep up the good work, prayers to you.

Today i spoke with my ex bf. Ex Bf was my first and only until i met my WH and married him.

Ex bf was also a BS! I was surprise to hear the story from him. When he told me his story he had tears in his eyes. He said it was so painful that he almost killed himself. But his wife end the affair and they are now into two years of recovery. I was so glad for him. At least that is one success story.

He said if he had divorce his wife...he would go after me now...it is nice to hear that! A good boost to my already battered self esteemed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Even my ex boss told my WH once that if he was not married he would have gone after ME!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But of course my WH is tooooo blinded by the fog to even notice THAT!

If you love someone very much then you would wait for them right? I have to prove to WH that. If OW can wait then i will wait too. Let him decide and divorce me. If i divorce him then OW will say there you see, wife doesn't love you at all or WH might have that thought.

Then again i wonder how long do i have to wait...3 years???? 5 years? In this darkness for that long?? It feels completely unthinkable.

Hi everyone...another day from hell yesterday...had an email from prospective renters of property stating that they had found another rental but wanted first to come to us to see if we were still interested in renting..I had to contact WS to discuss this with him...met him at a pub...his response was the same...was reluctant to rent as he has hopes of us using it this winter...I tried with all my might not to get into this..he insisted telling me how much at times he missed me so much and wanted to hug me...my reply ..you know nothing will change until OW is gone...then his lies started...

me: Is it true that OW gave custody of two small children to abusive methadone exhusband?
WS: No he kidnapped them..
me: Then why are they still still there?
WS: She is trying to get them back (Lie)They have been with her exhusband since March...
me: Tell me what is going on with you two that you have to wait to break it off?
WS: I don't want to discuss it
me: If we ever want to to try to be husband and wife again ..you have to be honest with me and discuss these things...
WS: Why..if I come back...I go not want to come with my tail between my legs...I will not go to councelling...I want everything put in the past and start fresh...I now want peace and harmony in my life...I have concentrated on my business life..now want to work on personal life ( I think he has this [censored] backwards don't ya think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )His quote from an email today which I did not respond to :" I simply told you today if I had come back I could not have relived the past..I could not talk about the past and would not rehash things with a counselor...I simply wanted peace and harmony...I would have enjoyed spending time with you if you could have been compasionate and not continually brought up the affair ..and the past...I would have enjoyed going away together starting fresh and for the record yes I do think that having an affair is wrong (so why is he still in one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )...I am trying to get out of this situation in a manner that will be final ..but you fail to realize it"...his excuse for continuing A now is this "I will tell you today she is at the hospital as her 15 year old niece died in a house fire yesterday"...I cannot abandon her now"
Me:I told him I was sorry but that this is just ongoing problems with this family that will never stop
WS:I know we are just from two different worlds
I have to walk away from her knowing that she is aware of this and things will never work...
me: how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I was sleeping with someone while we were legally married?
WS: we are separated.
Me: were are still legaly married in God's eyes and the eyes of the law..What do you think Divorce is for?
WS: What did you want me to do, stay in a closet until we decided to Divorce?
Me: What am I doing? I have remained faithful
WS: no response
Me: I will not sit back and watch this continue any longer..I am filing for legal separation on Thursday.
WS: Please try to understand I need time to make sure that this is final with her...as you know the last few times we tried to reconcile I did not cut it off...before I come home this time I want affair to run it's course so that I will be faithful to you forever
Me: Sorry I am still going to file...you decide where your priorities lie..
WS: If new business fails I am leaving town..you will be to blame becasue you did not release monies from our investments and you will have to explain to son and grandchildren why I have gone
ME: No..no-one will be to blame but you...you blame me for a failed marriage and now you are trying to blame me if your new business fails...you have to take ownership of your actions.stop running away from your life and fix it yourself...I have tried to help you but you are in God's hands now

Leave restaurant...his cell phone rings..it is OW..I ask it that OW. he states yes..I just loose it and tell him I am divorcing him and walk away..I go back and ask him ..does he agree to rent property ..he states yes...He then makes the statement that by loosing it just then was an example of how I cannot keep my anger in check...my anger in check ...my god man don't you know how painful that is for me...my anger is justifiable in that situation...he states that if I Divorce he has no recourse but to leave the city.....threatens to call son..I say go ahead..it will be your loss if you do this after being told by son not to involve him...

So folks this is a desparate man who is so totally lost ...I realize his talk is a defense mechanism for his guilt...today I realize I can never live with this man unless he gets his shi$ together..He is a controller and a manipulator..hates that fact that I am now in control..so be it...

<small>[ May 12, 2004, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Uh NO aren't you in Plan B? Then why are you listening to his fog babble. Stay in Plan B that way you don't have to deal with phone calls from OW. He's sitting on the fence right now and if you did a steller Plan B and didn't talk to him I bet he would be back home. Of course he's going to blame you for everything you are public enemy number one in his eye's. You really need to seperate yourself from him, because everytime you talk to him I know you feel like dirt. Uh it's your fault babble babble money babble babble I don't have any problems babble babble I want to start fresh and just drop the A like it never happened babble babble. I think I'm going to call your H bab's for short.

I know Timan and hear ya...will file for legal separtion tomorrow ...this guy has to know I mean business and stop fence sitting...after I get financial security he can go his merry way...if he straightens up down the road then we will see if I have not moved on..that is the risk he has to take now so yes agree from here on in no more communication...

You go girl

just doing my daily check-in, i was away from the forums a lot yesterday. i was away from just about everything yesterday. can't seem to shake this feeling of being tired so i left work really early and sent home and slept.

hope that everyone is doing "well" and today is another day, prayers to all.

RR did you catch up on your sleep? I had a hard couple of days was stuck at the house and couldn't go anywhere since my truck was in the shop getting fixed so I was extreemly board. I wanted to call my W so bad yesturday but I didn't. Anyways today is another day and I'm at work so that will help with keeping me busy.

Hope everyone else is doing fine.

Well I broke my Plan B today my W sent me an email wondering if I'm going to be home this weekend. I think she want's to get the rest of her stuff out of the house. So I called her and we talked, tried to rationalize with her even thought I'm not talking to a rational person. Anyways I tried to convince her to do counseling with me oops strike one. Then I told her of the amazing M we could have if we worked together oops strike two. Then I tried to reason with her and tell her that I believe that she's making a mistake strike three. She tell's me that I have to come to the understanding that this is what she wants. So she then ask's me if I considered the online DV that she proposed, so I said I looked at it and then shredded it in the shredder and that I don't want to do an online DV. She ask's me why I say because I don't want to do it online. I tell her that if she want's a DV she better go get a lawyer and file through our court system. She say's I don't see why we have to spend thousands of dollers on lawyer's when we could do it online. I say well I don't want to do it online and you'll have to file here in our town. She says why? My answer was because this is what you want remember. I know not good but I didn't care at this point and time. I guess I'll see if she has the ballz to do it.

thanks for asking, i think i did catch up on sleep. as far as the new things that have transpired, well, what's done is done. we all know that you can't change the past because if you could then none of us would be here in the first place. the question that still remains though is do you want to rebuild your M? if so, then you have got to do what is needed to make that happen and part of that is NC w/your W. you can't help or control what she does but you know that you can control what you do. you had some moments of weakness, yes, but pick yourself up and start over again. remember again, we BS want to be able to look back and say that we did all that we could. do you think you could say this right now?

you know tinman, that i probably have no room to tell you what to do in plan B, i'm not there myself but i'm just coming from more of an objective position (even though it's bias) and i'm just trying to support you as well as everyone else here. you have the knowledge about what it will take to rebuild a M once given the opportunity and knowledge is power. be the better person and stick to what you say, follow your words w/your actions. i know, easier said then done but i want you to be a success at what you're doing.

so i guess this is my little 2x4's for today but know it was done w/support and that you have got to look at what's transpired and start fresh today. just take what happened and let it roll on and start dark again. you can do it, if your W can continue doing what she's doing then you can continue to do plan B! continued prayers to you.

Interesting developments yesterday at lawyers office...was ready to file for Legal Separation but WS contacted his lawyer and stated he realizes A is waining and wants more time to end A..he has stated this to me a few days ago...he stated he wants for A to be final with her and with both he and OW realizing it will be final and he wants to repair marriage... ..my lawyer stated whatever I am doing is working...I think the fog may be slowly lifting but who knows..she stated that she thinks he still loves me and possibly wants to return without withdrawl by getting her out of his system... she has handled Divorces for 29 years and has seen this happen time and time again with marriages even better than before ...she pointed to one file she was working on that was at the point of going to court that ended up in reconciliation and she told me that she has a good feeling about this but what am I to do?...I do not want to look like I am backing down at the tenth hour here...letting WS call the shots...my family is upset with me that I listened to her and let her convince me to wait until next week for a response from his lawyer..they feel he has had all the time in the world to break this A off. can anyone see his reasoning in this...any WS's see where he is coming from with his statement of wanting the A to run it's course and die?......so here is what lawyer suggested...give WS until the end of June to get rid of OW....draw up a marital agreement...this is not a Legal Separation...my lawyer has one herself and she is married ...much like a pre nup but post nup..then what's yours is yours and his is his...that way if he tries anything if we get back together he walks and I stil have financial security...also his lawyer writes a legal no contact letter to OW stating if she contacts him in any way in to court she goes...she is going to talk to his lawyer about this...then we will see if he is serious of just pulling my chain again...either way I am prepared...I guess this is one way to see if he is sincere if he will agree to sign...what do you all think about this?

RR glad to hear you caught up on some sleep.

I know your right with what you stated but right now I don't care anymore. It could go one way or the other. I don't care. I got some information from the OM XW. Well my W and I before we got married we were together and then broke up and got back together and M'd. Well when we were broke up I found out through his XW that my W broke up with me and was seeing a M man at work and caused his DV with his W. Nice huh. Well the OM my W is with just started working at the company where she works. Well he knew about the A my W was having with this guy. So the OM used to come home and tell his XW about it and used to call my W the office wh*re. Nice also. So I asked my W about the time we broke up and if she broke up with me to be with another guy and told her his name which I got from OMXW. So my W told me yes that was the reason she broke up with me. So I told her hmmmmmmmm must be nice to be with someone that when OM first started working at your company and would go home and talk about you and call you the office Wh*re. My wife said "Oh really" I was like yep that's what he called you. Looks like I'm M to a serial cheater and someone who has some real serious issue's so that's why I don't care anymore. This is not worth it. I believe my W will not come to the conclusion that she has some serious problems with herself. I told her that if she wanted it to work with OM she better fix herself or what she's doing now will be the way she is for the rest of her life. So I'm done she can do what she wants her decision I'm not talking to her anymore I'm going to tell her if she wants her stuff to come get it while I'm there. Done is done.

NO I'd listen to you attorney she is impartial in what is happening and she's done this for awhile right? If you don't want to take till the end of June just tell her what timeline you have and do it that way.

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>