NO

Thanks. I tell ya it is harder than I thought it would be. I am where I wanted to be (I think) and now I wonder what I am doing with him. I think all these feelings are normal but still hard. Do what you have to do, cause this isn't easy either. God bless you all, and good luck!


HINY

Sigh! Tinman, that is beautiful. And so aptly said. Makes my true old romantic heart (that is still in there somewhere, buried beneath all the garbage) just flutter a bit. I am, admittedly, a hopeless romantic. And I would appreciate the sentiments of a man that could express himself like that, whether it was an original thought, or a borrowed one. Your wife is a fool.

HINY: Girl...I know that I could not do that. The withdrawal thing would probably damn near kill me. I am cheering for you.

NO: You are truly an inspiration to all those in Plan B. EXCELLENT JOB!!!!

hi everyone.
sorry i can't get on here much since i am mostly away from a computer.

tomorrow is our custody hearing so wish me luck. i have some very hard facts that can disprove most of his allegations, but still, knowing that a third party is deciding the fate of our child is scary. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

i have a problem tho. even w/this whole thing staring me in my face - i don't want to divorce this guy. it has been a hard mixed up week, but the feelings for him are still the same.

i just don't know where that puts me. i want to stay in plan b & nc, but feel a plan a would be more effective. but could i even do that w/what he is telling everyone and his anger?

take care all. i will update and let you know how the custody battle turns out.

I had an eventful weekend.

I found out that everyone in the office knows about the affair. When i heard this i wanted to send anonymous letter to OW telling her about staff talking behind her back...hoping this will make her quit. Then later i thought send a signed letter to the managing director hoping he will sack one of them...i did neither because a text message came through from WH...

WH sent me a text message telling me that OW parents found out about them and OW parents wanted to meet WH. I did not want to reply to that message but could not control myself and ended up sending a reply the day after. I message him saying that when he is ready to find his way home i will help him.

That message made me feel helpless and hopeless...each day i feel WH is drifting further and further away from me. There is nothing else i can do to stop it. I feel desperate to do something sometimes but i am in plan B. I am heading somewhere but i still do not know where...

Tinman,
It's crazy to see the parallels between us. I am almost an the exact same "emotional" (I don't think that's the exact word I'm looking for)plane that you are right now....Wierd....


A few musings.....

Today was a different day. I'm starting to feel like a made a poor choice in a marriage partner.

Let me take you back a bit. I met WW 8 years ago. I was 19, she 16. I was a really nice guy, hadn't "been around" much (actually very very little... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) I was in my second semester of college. I was in decent shape, smart, witty. I drank very little, never did drugs. I had never had a true steady girlfriend. (Well one for about two weeks...but, you know...) WW was 16, she had "been around" a bit. Not a lot, but a bit. (You remember HS!) She drank some, did some drugs, ran with the wrong crowd....

Our meeting was quite random. Mutual friends going to a concert (Bush, Goo Goo Dolls and No Doubt, if you must know!), we struck up a conversation and off we went...

WW stopped smoking pot, at my insistence, rarely partied. Her grades improved, she ended up starting college. She had "changed."

Two years (or so) in, she had an internet "thing." I few nights of cyber-whatever. I don't know how far it went. I do know she talked on the phone to the guy, they had talked about meeting somewhere. Hindsight being 20/20, I should have left then and there.

But I didn't. I stuck it out because I loved her. We got past it, but again, looking back, things were never quite the same.

We ended up moving in together. We really did have a great time together, but we weren't quite as close as I would have liked.

We got engaged, after dating for almost 5 years. We had been through so much together, certainly we would be together forever. It was during our engagement, that I first noticed the way she looked at OM1. She almost had a "longing" in her eyes. Something she hadn't shown me in a long time. We talked briefly about it, but it never really went anywhere.

Our wedding was quite stressful. Only a few weeks after 9/11, and my boss was giving me he!! up until the day before. We got married, went to Disneyworld. But she seemed quite distant. While we had a good time, it was not quite the "honeymoon" I had expected. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The first year of our marriage was tough. I got laid off twice, the second time for five months. It was a tough time for me. While WW was "there" she was quite wrapped up in her (school, work, etc.)

D-Day 1 comes. A#1 had lasted from 1/02 to 1/03. 3 months after our M, and 12 of our first 15 months together. I also found that she had made out with some guy at a bar, and fooled around in the car with a coworker during this time. We stick together. She professes her love, and things were briefly the way I thought they should have always been. We start building a house. Things were really starting to come together.

We move out of our apartment to stay with her parents until the house is done. (More stress.) WW comes home one day. Says "she doesn't want to be here anymore." I tell her it's ok, the house will be done in no time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She said that's not what she meant. Over the next week or two, she bought me a few nice gifts, but she was still a little distant. I thought this was to "make things better" for us. Unbeknowst to me, A#2 had started.

We buy the house. As close to our dream home as one could imagine. A little pricey, but it was everything WW wanted. I did a lot of work to get us squared into the house. I thought it was great. WW really didn't seem to care. As the end of 2003 drug on, She was getting really, really distant.

WW moves to her mom's house at the start of 2004. She claims that there is no one involved. I stagger through the first six weeks of 04, until Valentine's Day. A friend pulls me up by the straps and slows my spiral a little. I find MB. WW and I decide that she would live at home "alone" for a while, I would stay with our friends. My friends start proposing theories. I go on alert, install spyware, get the truth about A#2. I confront. It had gone on for more than six months. I expose to close friends, family (hers and mine.) I dive headlong into Plan A. A week later, spyware reveals that A#3 has already started. Confront, expose.

I stay in Plan A for two months. Damn near flawless. WW sniffs around just a bit, but not much.

Plan B begins on 4/17/04. I have not heard from WW since. Only a chance meeting at a concert (I just realized the irony in that) interrupts Plan B.

There is a point to this diatribe.

Through all of this, I find myself now to be in decent shape, smart, witty, an overall "really nice, sweet, romantic guy." I have only had one true relationship. WW.

WW has "been around." 3 full-blown extramarital A's. One internet "thing" and 2 (that I know of) "fooling arounds." She drinks a lot. I believe she is smoking pot again (but I'm not sure.)

After 8 years, it seems that she picked up right where she left off. She quite honestly, hasn't changed much.

I know that I have grown tremendously b/c of the failure of my M. I will be a better friend, partner, husband, lover because of this.

It may seem like I am bashing WW. I'm not. I still love her deeply, and wish no harm to her.

But I am not afraid to believe that I made a poor choice so many years ago. The person that I love so dearly has vastly different morals, values, ideas about love than I. And while she may reach that point one day, she is a million miles away right now.

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Thursday. I'm not going to "proceed." I'm just trying to get the "lay of the land", so I can make educated, rational decisions when WW files for D.

I'm sorry for being long-winded tonight. Just had a lot on my mind.

You guys know that music shapes a lot of who I am. My song for today is by a band called Sister Hazel. It's a beautiful slow song. It's called "Out There."

"Out There"
Sister Hazel

Chorus
If she's out there somewhere-somewhere
I would give everything to know.
Just to hold and to finally have her,
Take me to sunrise from indigo

If it's to be
That there's just no one for me
I'll try not to cry much
So no one will see
But if it's to be
That there is anyone for me
Our hearts will shine
So everyone will see
I've got some time,
So maybe if you're free
I could use a friend
Just to talk to me

Chorus

Lived most of my life without
Anyone near
Never cared what happened
I never saw clear
But I'm getting older now
And I'm, thinking of my end
And to leave without love
Or without a friend
Well its getting late
But maybe If I tried
I could find one
Before I die

Chorus

It's not over yet...
I'm still standing

If it's to be
That there's just no one for me
I will try not to cry much
So no one else will see
I've got some time
So maybe if you're free
I could use a friend
Just to talk to me


Best Wishes,
Ethan

P.S. Thanks for reading......

furnitureman...after reading your story i feel you deserve someone better so i understand if you decide to end it all. Furthermore you are still young and you do not have any children to tie you down.

It is harder to decide if you are in my situation...i have a daughter and WH is really a good person. This is WH first infidelity...WH was loyal to me throughout our 18 years together. He never said he wanted a divorce. WH is still paying for all the bills. He was never mean or said anything cruel during this whole time. WH maintained that i am a good wife and mother. WH keeps saying that he is the guilty one and does not deserve me. How do you give up on someone like this?

If he was mean or if he did not pay the bills or if he cheated on me many times...perhaps that would have the decision easier.

Ethan,

After reading your story I too feel maybe you have made a poor choice in the personality of the person you fell in love with.

When your WW married you she changed for the better, and then she very slowly went back to the person that she really is/was before she married you. It sounds like this is the person that she wants to be. I on the other hand changed for the worse when I met my H. I became a person that I didn't like and obviously neither did he or he wouldn't have had an A. He was very jealous of me when we first met and I had a lot of cofidence and I loved to have fun, and yes even flirt. But it was just that, fun. I would never, ever cheat on him or go with a married man. Just stuff would get said at the factory and we would all respond and laugh and so on. After living with him and his jealousy for so long I became who he wanted me to be a turtle in a shell with my head tucked in. Since he has left, I have reverted back to the woman he met. I am confident, and I have lost 53 lbs, and I have my hair the color I like it, and I love myself and life again. It is really unfortunate that your WW didnt like the changes that she made when you got married, because it sounds like they were for the best for her. Unfortunately this is what happens, sometimes you cant change people even if it is for the best. She obviously likes who she is, esp if this is the type of person she was when you first met her. She actually sounds like my sister. My sister is a 36 year old teenager. Still smokes pot, no kids, never married, a confirmed bachelorette, she will meet guys on the internet....date them, they see how immature she is and they dump her, she has been around a lot also. I was the total opposite of her, I got married at 19 to my first alcoholic husband. The point I am trying to make is I think she is who she is... because she has gone back to that person outside of your presence. It sounds as though she changed for you, not for her. JMHO.....and something for you to think about. Did she ever go to IC?

HINY

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: HopefulinNY ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am confident, and I have lost 53 lbs, and I have my hair the color I like it, and I love myself and life again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is where you need to be at this time HINY...in my marriage..WS was a controller and I always said yes to everything he wanted to do..he would arrive home here with sports cars to you name it without a thought about talking things over with me first...his attitutde was it was his money and he would spend it as he pleased...well he continues to do that racking up his credit cards in his name..now he is crying he needs more money from our assets...so what would happen if I took him back now...He would want to tap into my half and drain us both...ain't going to happen..I refuse to go down that path to destruction...I suspect this whole A situation was a God send to protect myself before I was left penniless as well..WS is angry that I watch every cent spent now in our one joint account..I never questioned his spending before..again I fully believe things happen for a reason and my reason is ensure financial security and peace of mind in the coming years...this learning curve has made me stronger and wiser...I think we all could say the same here..it has also opened my eyes as you can see in my sig line...WS has a lot more travelling to do before he admits he is truly lost <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

NO

Yes, the difference in our spouses and ourselves varies. I guess we have to decide if we can live with them or ourselves at the end of the day. I can live with myself at the end of the day now, but can I live with H at the end of the day? That is the magic question.

You are smart to protect your financial situation. I wouldn't give in either. I think he is having a midlife crisis or something, have you checked that out online?

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are smart to protect your financial situation. I wouldn't give in either. I think he is having a midlife crisis or something, have you checked that out online?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You bet I have...and he fits the description to a tea..:

HIS Midlife Crisis! Will Your Relationship Survive?

by Pat Gaudette, founder of The Midlife Club

You are in a committed relationship, married or involved on an exclusive basis. You thought everything was glorious. Or, at least as glorious as it gets—all relationships have some rough spots.

It seems that you are always fighting. Or he just doesn't act like himself anymore. He doesn't like his job. He wants to sell the house and get a little place in the mountains or a sailboat and sail to the islands. You're too fat or too thin or too short or too tall. He doesn't like being home. He wants a sportier car. He changes his hair style, starts a diet and joins the local gym. He says his clothes are too old for him. He says you and he have grown apart. He needs time to think about 'things.' He wants space. He wants something but he doesn't know what. He wants a divorce.

If he's between the ages of 40 and 60 (give or take a few years), your man is blazing a trail through male midlife — he's having a crisis.

We're not talking about the man who has always been a womanizer, a schemer or generally not the nicest person in the world. We are talking about the man who has up to this point assumed responsibility and been the person you could depend upon in time of need.

What you must keep in mind is that he really doesn't understand what he's doing, he isn't deliberately hurting you he just knows that something is wrong in his life and he's searching for the answers.

Of course you're sitting there saying, "Whoa! I'm supposed to just be quiet and tolerate his forays into other-woman-land and let's-junk-it-all-and-sail-around-the-world-land or ditch-the-station-wagon-I-need-a-red-sports-car-land?" Well, yes. Of course you do have options here. You can rage and make demands that he clean up his act. And probably shortly thereafter you'll find yourself in divorce-land.

You see, men don't plan on turning unpredictable. It happens when they look in the mirror or in the eyes of their grandchildren and see themselves as old men. They have, up to this point, believed they were 25-year-old boys. One mid-50's midlife graduate says it made him a better person. He remains with his original wife and their relationship has been redefined to better meet his needs. He has his space and a home in the country that allows him to "entertain" when he feels the need and she has her space and their home in the city that allows her a place to pound on the walls and scream when she feels the urge. Another mid-50's graduate traded the pressures of family, home and business to drive a camper cross country supporting himself by doing odd jobs. The wife of a mid-60's executive still waits for a long term affair with his much younger mistress to end but with each passing year she cares less and her community involvement grows.

The Crisis

Male midlife crisis devours relationships. It may be devouring yours. What you must understand and believe is that no matter what you do, or don't do, the outcome will be the same. You do not have control over him, only yourself.

He might not be alone on this search, but you probably weren't invited, and you probably wouldn't have been regardless of the circumstances. You may be part of the problem as he sees it. You don't understand, how could you? He may have met someone else who seems to understand him perfectly, or reaffirms his youthfulness (as with the mid-60's executive, above). But how could anyone understand him when he doesn't understand himself? He's in an emotional storm that will test the patience and endurance of all those who love him as he comes to grips with the fact that he is no longer 25. He will hurt you. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but he will hurt you.

It's a punch right between the eyes when he suddenly realizes that he is getting older. There's so much he hasn't done. Time is running out. He can't keep up this stress of being husband, father, breadwinner! He's getting older — his hair is thinning, his waist is thickening, his muscles are flabby, his face is wrinkling, he has a t-shirt with little hand prints and 'we love you, gramps' in childish scrawl. He is feeling emotions he's never felt before. And occasionally he is impotent. It's just too much!! He can't handle it! He doesn't want to be an old man!! Sometimes referred to as 'male menopause,' male midlife crisis is not nice for any of the players involved. It is difficult to say who hurts more, him or you.

What Now?

Should you try to wait for this crisis to end, for your lives to return to where they used to be? It might take the patience of Job and the result may still not be the one you want. He will do what he must do when he must do it. Once he has made his passage he will not be the same. He is at a major turning point in his life, a normal part of the male maturing process that, should he be successful in navigating through the storms, will help him lead a fuller and more satisfying life, accepting the normal limitations inherent with the aging process.

Some men aren't successful in the passage. Suicide rates increase for men as they age. Suicide offers the promise of release from seemingly unbearable emotional pain. Women know how to express their emotions, whereas men are taught to hold their emotions back, to 'act like a man!' For some, suicide is the only way to suppress the emotional pain associated with the midlife passage.

His Crisis — Your Problem

You need to be aware of what's happening to your man. Being aware will make you less apt to blame yourself for the things going wrong. He will be blaming you as it is, because he knows he's not at fault.

There's not much you can do to speed up his passage through this crisis in your lives. He probably doesn't want to talk about it, at least not to you. He may believe that you're the whole reason he feels the way he does. It's not true.

You need to understand that this is his problem, it will have to be his solution—what he's going through is normal and you are not responsible. You can't change it or fix it because you didn't break it.

You will have to step back and let him whirl around in his search to find himself. He has a need to blame someone for the bad feelings he has, for the terrible way he's acting, for the lousy way he feels. Don't believe it if he says everything wrong in his life is because of you. And don't try to explain his feelings to him because you can't and he won't listen.

Men Are From Pluto
Women Are From Macy's

There's no doubt men and women are quite different in how they handle emotional situations and midlife is one of the most notable examples.

As a female, you have been trained to take care of other people, to be responsible for their well-being, to make things run smoothly. You have been taught when relationships don't go well it is your responsibility to correct the situation. You look inside yourself for the answers. In the case of his midlife crisis, you won't be able to correct the situation—the answers must come from him. You cannot change his behavior, he must. If you think you can change his behavior by changing yourself, you are in for a lot of anger and disappointment. This issue is not about you, it is all about him.

Men are expected to hide their emotions but that doesn't mean the emotions don't exist—they're buried deep in the recesses of how 'real men' act. Men and women are from the same planet, no matter how alien the male of the species seems when he's plowing through his midlife crisis. When you get angry it is okay for you to express that anger but "society" says he must be in control no matter the situation. Because he appears in control of his emotions it is easy to believe that he is unfeeling but even the most grown-up men sometimes have a need to cry. Unfortunately, it's just not allowed.

His Financial Image

Society measures the worth and success of a man by how much money he has and makes. If he isn't making the kind of money he thinks he should, he will be angry at the obstacles he believes are standing in his way. He may believe his family responsibilities are holding him back.

He needs more affection now and may reach out to you. If you respond with surprise or rejection because you don't understand this new behavior, he may find the affection and affirmation of his desirability in the arms of a girlfriend. Nothing personal, you understand, he doesn't know what he's doing. And he certainly doesn't mean to hurt you. During midlife crisis a man will do many things he wouldn't have done before.

He's scared of dying. His friends may be developing illnesses, some may have already died. He's afraid. He's resentful, frustrated and depressed. He feels trapped by his responsibility to provide for his family. He's locked into a job or career that he no longer enjoys because he must keep the kids in college and make payments on the house and car.

If he's like most men, he may be in responsibility overload and desperately in need of a break from financial responsibilities and the daily demands of work that he's probably had since he got out of school. He may resent the fact he cannot make the choices that so many women can as far as choosing whether or not they want to work and at what. He needs a long break from responsibility but he knows that is an impossibility. If he stops, he loses everything he has worked so hard for, but, if he doesn't stop, there is a good chance he will lose it anyway. He's trapped. How he reacts to this extreme pressure cannot be predicted. Rest assured, though, he will react.

What Can You Do?

The crisis will not end in a week or two. It may take years to get resolved. You will need patience to let him learn to cope with the new feelings and emotions that are occurring in his life. You cannot do this for him nor can you demand that he seek counseling or talk the problem through with you. You may suggest it but you cannot demand it. It will do no good. It's important that you understand and accept the fact that it is his problem, not your fault. Don't take the responsibility for his pain and suffering.

Give him space. No matter how insecure you're feeling, don't cling, berate, belittle or try to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain about how little time he's spending with you. He's trying to think his problems through and he'll find a way regardless of what you say or do.

Now is the time you must develop yourself as an independent person. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him for the closeness and intimacy that he probably is unable to give right now. Plan things without him. Depend upon yourself, not him. Allow him to do the same.

Do things by yourself and with friends. Make a life for yourself without waiting for him to participate. He may refuse to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't in order to better cope with your feelings during this difficult time.

Continue to treat him and all men kindly. This may sound like a silly statement, but your confusion and resentment about his current situation may cause you to "male bash." "Dumb men" jokes may seem funny at the time, but they will be painful and hurtful to a man in crisis and to men in general.

Reaffirm your love for him, your desire for him, your attraction to him. Tell him and show him that he is the most important person in your life. Do it without smothering, clinging or demanding that he reciprocate the feelings to you.

If you make the decision to demand that he straighten up, to demand that he stop his erratic behavior, to demand that he return to the person you're most comfortable with, you'll be making a mistake.

If you make the decision to nag and whine, you'll be making a mistake.

If you think you can make the choices for him or tell him what he should do to feel better or get his life in order, you'll be making a mistake.

If you make idle threats about what you will do if he doesn't change, you'll be making a mistake.

You are not to blame for the feelings that are guiding his life at this time, however, your actions will help to influence the choices he makes.

As hard as it may be to stand back and watch him self-destruct, that is the role you will have to take. Your number one priority as he whirls through his midlife crisis should be you and your needs. You must protect yourself. Your beliefs will be tested, your faith will be stretched, your love will be bruised and perhaps torn beyond repair.

Like so many women before you you'll discover incredible strengths of you own and you will come out of this journey amazed to find that his crisis may have opened a world of amazing opportunities for you — whether or not your relationship remains intact.

Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy. Not every relationship will survive the strain.

I don't have time right now to read the most recent post but I'm going to put a quote I find on here everyday.

So here's today's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

NO

That sounds about right for your situation eh? Totally not for my H, he is too young and he just lost his mind I think. Still not sure what happened other than we became co dependent on each other and it is just sickening for the most part. Now that I am me again, only time will tell what will happen.

Good Luck to you, and you are in my prayers.

HINY

Tinman,

We love you, you are our inspiration in life, I think. Your wife truly lost a treasure when she lost you. I don't think you lost her, I think she has lost you for sure.

HINY

So from the above HINY I could be in limbo for years hoping he turns his life around and as you can see some men never change...so my only option at this time is to let him go and he takes ownership of his actions from here on in and I move on to whatever life deals me...

Hi Folks,

Just checking in.Not too much has changed for me lately.I have my 2 mandatory parenting classes this month before I can D WH.He has to take them too but has yet to sign up.After I do that and polish up the paperwork,I am going to see my Mediator in person for some details about how to proceed.

I have also been juggling thoughts around in my mind as to how to tell my precious daughters that I am divorcing their father and why.The jury is still out on that one but I am reading and getting MUCH advice on how to go through with this.I wanted so much NOT to have to tell my girls about their fathers infidelity but I have to to some degree.They need to know why things have been like they are for the past 8/9 months.I have sheilded them so far from this horror and I don't intend on telling them anything until school is out for good this summer.

So far,WH has done nothing to work on our marriage and is plainly happy with the situation but that's about to change.He will no longer have ME waiting in the wings.I feel good about this path I am on.I never wanted a D ever BUT I cannot stay married to a philanderer for the rest of my life while he cheats on me,disrespects me,sneaks around, hiding things,missing out on time with his children to see that infernal homewrecker.I ask for God's guidance and this feels right to me at this point.

Do you know that I sent my WH the TOW website to give to the HW and he actually found it to be a positive website about how they are all just your typical women with only one problem,they made a mistake by getting involved with a married man??!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I couldn't believe it! He is still so fogged up that he actually thinks I sent him that website for her benefit! Well I let him know exactly what I thought because that's all he does now,is rationalize and justify and twist and turn reality into some fantasy so he can live with himself.UGH.

Ziz,

I am sorry that your WH is going to/may meet the OW's parents. GROSSSS! My WH has already met the homewreckers parents and they think of him as their new son-in-law! Why wouldn't they? They are adulterers too and only want to unload their scheming daughter on someone even if he is married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I try not to think about those crackpots! My WH is brainwashed beyond belief.

Take care all.

O

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds about right for your situation eh? ? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> HINY are ya sure you aren't a canuck like me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> we end every sentence with eh

New Outlook,

Every time I read that someone is from Canada I cringe.

Any chance you could go kick some Toronto homewrecking bu** for me?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ok,I ll be nice now.

O

NO

No really close to Canada though.....LOL. NY State, maybe it is running down here....who knows.

HINY

Octobergirl...tell me about it. I am also wondering how to explain to my 5 year old about divorce if and when i reach that point.

Just a minute ago i was comtemplating writing a letter to WH about daughter. She gets very upset every night lately about her Dad. She tells me she misses him and asking me why God is not making her dad comes home sooner. I dont know how to answer her. It breaks my heart to see her sadness. I remembered telling WH about this. I thought maybe a reminder in black and white might make him realise of the pain he is causing to DD.

After reading HINY i realised..geez i am not ready for WH to come home yet...not if he is going to behave like that...so i deleted the letter.

Do you think maybe i should do a letter to tell him about DD or just stay dark?

I feel selfish that for my own sake i have put up all these boundaries because it involves my feelings and she suffers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Ziz,

Poor poor sweet girl.I know how it must be for your daughter.My heart aches for all the children that are affected by this horror.It aches and then I get really MAD.It's bad enough that our WS's do this to us but then forsake our children for these homewreckers they know only weeks or months or even days??? I want to scream from the rooftops! Yes I still have quite a bit of pent up anger in me I think.

If I were you,I would still stay dark.The letter or any means by which to reach your WH will be lost on him.He doesn't have the capacity to have any remorse for hurting anyone,not enough anyway to risk another painful interaction.Maybe you could get your D a pretty journal where she could write down her feelings so that one day,if your WH ever gets his act together,he can go back and read what she has been feeling all this time and FEEL it in his heart.Or maybe you can write it for her until she is able to on her own(don't know if she writes at all yet).

Also,you could say that God has tried really hard,like mommy has,to help daddy to come home but he cannot right now,he is confused or some thing like that.I wouldn't want her to blame God for your WH's lack of returning home.The answers that seem so simple and just to us are sometimes not in divine order,that's what I live by anyway.

I just got through talking to my MIL and we both agree that my WH has some serious issues that he needs to deal with in IC but he hasn't hit bottom yet and will not seek out help on his own.He thinks that he can solve his own problems.And look how far he's made it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hang in there ziz.You are doing a great job in Plan B.Just be there as always for your daughter like I am for mine.I am taking more time out to play with them and just be really silly.I am playing the role of two now so I have to reach down deep for that extra energy and gumption to fill in the voids my dear departed WH has left us.But I have never been closer to my girls than I am now and for that,I am blessed.

O