Hello all,

I am new to this and I am in dire need of some advice. I have been married for four years now and have a little boy who is about to turn two.

From the beginning of our marriage I have had insecurity issues with my wife. I learned these from watching my parents marriage growing up. Over the past year my wife recently told me she has felt emmotionally disconnected from me. She just told me this about two months ago. I have noticed some changes in her such as not wanting to talk as much, no intimacy, and just a complete change in her attitude.

On her last cell phone bill I noticed she had been talking alot to a guy she works with. My wife is in her early 20's and he is in his mid 40's. When I confronted her about this she said that they were just friends and talked about work. Well about a week after I confronted her I checked her voicemail on her phone and she had a message from him saying that "he saw his counselor today and his session was well" (he and his wife are having problems as well) He also said "you don't know how much it means to me to have you there for me and you amaze me more everyday" I blew up on this and was furious. She claims that they have become close friends and share their marital problems with each other and confide in each other for advice. The thing that gets me is the fact that she was hiding this from me the whole time. She says that because I'm so insecure that she didn't want to tell me because she knew how I would react. Do you think they are having an affair? Or could it be like she says just someone to talk to that is rational about things and listens to her? Please help

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

My guess is that your wife might not actually be involved in a physical affair. But anything she feels she needs to keep secret from you can't be a good thing. At the very least, it sounds to me like your wife might be having an EA (Emotional Affair). Whenever a man and a woman provide emotional support for one another, it can lead to romantic feelings. They can't be just friends. Really, this coworker of hers needs to turn to his wife to discuss his concerns, not someone else's wife.

Try reading the concepts page of this website where it discusses Emotional Affairs.

Hopefully some other seasoned MB "experts" will post some advice to you soon as well. In the meantime, don't go at your wife with any more accusations until you have some solid proof to back them up. You don't want to alienate her if you are fearful she has an emotional connection with someone else.

Hope this helps,

Jen

At the very least it is an EA (emotional affair) You have reason to be concerned. MARRIED people don't tell members of the opposite sex about their problems at home (with their spouse) unless they are having an affair or thinking about having an affair.

Your next course of action should be to speak with the OM's wife and tell her what you know.

She is a married woman who is spending a lot of time talking with and confiding in another man. He sure isn't her Pastor, brother, dad, or counselor, right?

She has said she feels emotionally disconnected from you.

He is saying she amazes him.

Yes, she is having an affair.

It may or may not be a PA, but it is an EA.

Read as much as you can on this site, including the Q&A section by clicking on it at the top of the page, (lots of info. and issues surrounding affairs, how to expose them, etc.) Read up on the concept of "love-busting". Look at the books offered in the bookstore section. A good one to begin with is "Surviving An Affair".

~ad

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

I dunno if she's is having one, but it sure as heck looks like she's heading there.

Bottom line, your marriage is in trouble. It is time to do something about it. This site has a wealth of information that help you turn things around.

Now would be a good time to make a concrete decision to turn things around.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dewt:
<strong> I dunno if she's is having one, but it sure as heck looks like she's heading there.

Bottom line, your marriage is in trouble. It is time to do something about it. This site has a wealth of information that help you turn things around.

Now would be a good time to make a concrete decision to turn things around.

dewt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have made concrete decisions in my marriage to turn things around but it seems like I am the only one who cares about doing that, maybe she does still care (i see small signs at times) and we have agreed not to pursue divorce but I am beginning to feel the ONLY reason she doesnt want to get a divorce is because she doesn't want to loose her son, not because she truely doesn't want a divorce.
It is very very hard to see where she is coming from truthfully when she continually does things that do nothing more than step further and further away from something she says she wants to be a part of, but not ready for yet again.

Get marriage counselling ASAP!

Your w is involved in an affair. It might not be physical, but all the signs are that it will most likely lead to that.

Married people who are sharing their marital problems with someone of the opposite sex to fill their emotional needs are in hot water to be sure.

She is lying to you about cell phone calls and he is leaving her messages. They are involved emotionally and if you leave this alone, your marriage will not make it.

Please tell her that for the sake of your son you want to get into counselling now and try to work on rebuilding your marriage. She is going to have to cut off all contact with the OM.

Please read the home page here and familiarize yourself with the MB concepts. You are not alone and there are a lot of people here who can offer support.

Don't let this go even ONE MORE DAY, the longer it goes on the worse it is going to get for everyone involved.

kdfield,

It does sound like an emotional affair. But my big question is how she feels that having a close male friend helps your "insecurity" problem? What is she doing to make you feel more secure?

What things in your marriage have made you feel so insecure over the years? Has she demonstrated trustworthy behavior throughout your marriage? What has she done to reassure you?

This sounds like my situation. My W spoke on the cell phone with a married man and kept it secret from me. When I walked in on a call (complete coincidence) she said they were only friends, etc. After I saw the phone records I learned they were talking everyday for months. We went to counseling and since she has told me that OM confided in her about his marital problems. During counseling she expressed concern that now OM would not have anyone to talk to. My W got sucked into this man's marital problems and became very emotionally attached to him. She has since admitted that if it didn't stop she did not know where it was heading. My advise is to stop her contact with OM and get to counseling. I made the appointment myself and invited her to go, which she did, thank God.

This is how it starts. You need to talk to her NOW. You need to find out what the scoop is. You need to know it all right now. She will try to tell you that you are being paranoid, etc. Fine. Let her see these posts. Let her hang out on this sight for awhile and let her see how marriages are destroyed and why? Let her see that her behavior is no different than countless others.

Good job coming here. I wish I knew about this sight way back when. This sight should have billboards across America. This site should be required reading to everyone getting married. It would save everyone a lot of pain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This sight should have billboards across America. This site should be required reading to everyone getting married. It would save everyone a lot of pain.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">amen to that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HunterFox:
<strong> I have made concrete decisions in my marriage to turn things around but it seems like I am the only one who cares about doing that, maybe she does still care (i see small signs at times) and we have agreed not to pursue divorce but I am beginning to feel the ONLY reason she doesnt want to get a divorce is because she doesn't want to loose her son, not because she truely doesn't want a divorce. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alright. It sounds like she may be in a state of 'withdrawl' from you. You should read all you can about the Harley concepts. Likely you will find them very enlightening. They will also help you put together a plan to save your marriage from what seems like a very precarious position. Again, I can't say if she is or is not having an affair, but regardless, this situation is very dangerous.

Having her end things with her 'friend' will not solve your problems. I think you should prepare yourself for a lot of work. Likely the first efforts will be up to you.

I have to run now, but will check in when I get back.

dewt

kdfeild,
Just checking on you? How are things?

Things are pretty rough right now. I let her read the posts that you guys have wrote and she says that she realizes she was wrong in confiding in this man and assures me that it has stopped. She is seeing a counselor by herself next week. She says she wants to see a counselor by herself the first time for some reason then we can start together. This is a very hard situation for me to deal with and I'm having a horrible time trying to get past it and move forward. She cries and swears up and down that it was nothing more than someone to talk to that was rational about things and I want to believe her but at the same time I am very hurt and confused and constantly running the whole story through my head. I'm afraid that if she wasn't having an affair that the arguments over this are going to cause a divorce.

By the way thanks to everyone for your support and comments. I greatly appreciate it.

since you are new here you might be interested to know that it would be cool if you BOTH posted here. The two of you can get advice from others and learn about each other when you read things you might not want to talk about right now.

Arguments don't have to lead to a divorce. After all, whose toes do you step on --- the people you dance with or the people you don't dance with?

We choose our partners in life. We step on each other's toes sometimes. So what? Work it out, my friend. We're here to help.

Just so you know, I am one of the lowlifes on this site. I cheated on my W for a year and broke off the affair because my W and my Marriage deserve the best of all I have to offer --- not a 3rd party.

Hey, I know this is going to sound impossible, but try to relax. If she is lying to you, the truth will come out. Have faith in that. Do not assume or face the trials that may come before they are here.

To the best of my knowlegde, it is common in situations like these to want to see the counsellor alone first.

My official advice, for now accept what she is telling you to be the truth, that they were only friends. Accept also that this in itself is a very bad sign and that you both need to work on your marriage with the attitude that things between you are critical.

dewt

Follow Up: Well we have tried to get past the emotional connection that my wife has created with this guy. She had a program for work today and I asked her several times if he was going to be a part of this program and she told me no. I found out he was and she said she didn't want to tell me because she said I would overreact and look way into it. I still have not contacted the other mans wife. She tells me that there is no point in creating problems in their marriage when this is between us. She says our problems have been going on way before she started confided in this co-worker. I want to call his wife just to see what she knows if anything. Should I? My wife tells me that any counselor in the world would tell me that that is the wrong thing to do. Anybody?

I personally would be more inclined to react and look way into why my Wife would lie to me.

I would also think long and hard about contacting the wife. Not advising one way or the other, just think about it. If you do, be very very careful what you say.

dewt

It's really hard. I'm torn between calling her and not calling her. I want to believe my wife that nothing was going on but it's almost like she can't keep her stories straight and her reason for lying today was that I would overreact and she didn't want to deal with it. She said she was going to tell me that he showed up today for their program when she got home but I don't know if she was or wasn't. Everything is so strange about this. She had 100 phone calls last month on her cell phone bill to him. I know some of them are about work but come on 100 phone calls? And it was like clock work...Monday thru Friday first call about 20 minutes after she left the house everyday and always one phone call in the afternoon before she came home.