HW, just checking in w/you today and see if you've had any more bumps in this "rough road." do you guys have any plans for the weekend? wishing you continued good thoughts and prayers.

Roughroad -

No more bumps. He left yesterday for 3 weeks. It was very sad. I haven't heard from him as his destination is on the other side of the world. I believe the plane ride alone was about 14 hours. From there he is supposed to take a train for several more hours. I hope to hear from him soon.

I am very down now. I miss him terribly.

He was supposed to come to my softball tournament with me this weekend. It's out of state and we were using this weekend as a time to get away. Now I'll be going without him. I know I'll have fun with the team but I'll be sad he's not with me.

About 2 weeks after he gets back we have a vacation scheduled. We'll be going to the Smokey Mountains for a week without the girls. He is very excited about this. I am too but I'll miss my girls. We need time alone. I know that but during all of this I really attached myself to my girls.

I used them as an excuse to get out of bed on those days that I really didn't want to. Now I feel guilty because I feel like I'm pushing them to the way side now that we are working on our M.

I'm sure you know all too well about what it's like not to want to get out of bed.

How are things with you? Are you doing OK?

I've been to the smokey mountains, they're beautiful, did'n't spent more than a few hours but hope to stay longer some day.

As far as how i'm doing? umm....remains to be seen. i've been feeling a little frustrated the past few days. i had called my H earlier yesterday and left a message for him to call me back because i had some questions about the phone bills. i said i was going out (at the time i called) but would be back by 1300. so he calls me at 1247 and leaves me a VM on my cell phone. says hey "roughroad" (we always used to say "hey hon") got your message blah blah blah, i don't have your work number memorized yet, blah blah, give me a call on your cell phone on your way home from work and i'll try to have mine on me, blah blah blah.

why is it so easy to say thanks "hon" or thank you sweetheart to a waitress but not to his own wife? and i am still his wife. of course, he has his cell phone on him at ALL times so the precious OW can get in contact w/him. am i ever going to get a chance to tell him how all these little things make me feel? no, because we BS are supposed to be just so perfect during this time. you know he said one of the things he liked about me was my feistiness (sp?) and i certainly put that in over drive over the years to the point where my mom felt sorry for my H. and now that i've "changed" or learned what DJ and AO's are as well as other LB's and know i can't do those then is he really going to appreciate that someday? or is he just going to think that now i'm just completely a different person than who he married, again.

i think i would be better if i could talk to SH more and certainly if my H talked to SH again but those things can't be helped right now. i'm going to call my MIL either today or some time this weekend and see what she thinks about me coming to visit. maybe that will make some sort of difference, who knows. maybe part of it is ihaven't been working out like i have been so i'm feeling guilty. i guess just a bunch of emotions running amuck right now. I did work out for 2 hours last night though. I also feel that even though i done some changes for the good and not just for my M but how i deal w/people as well, that i'm not being true to myself and question whether or not i'll be able to keep this up.

like i said, i'm going to be talking to SH tuesday and i'm going to try and get him to be more specific w/me about what i need to do and some sort of time frame. so we'll see, i'll keep everyone posted.

as far as "pushing" your daughters away now, i look at it as that what you are doing is in turn going to help them. by restoring your M and building a family life that is strong and the best for everyone. Use these next 3 weeks to show them again how special they are, etc. I don't have a lot of advice on the kid issues but i know your heart is in the right place and they will see that maybe not now but someday. thanks for asking about me and continued prayers to you and good luck w/the game this weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

thinking of you and hope things are going "well" for you and your H. continued thanks and prayers to you.

Rr-

The tourney was good this weekend. I found out Friday before I left that my H's old unit lost some soldiers in the war. I'm sure you saw one of them on television. It was all over the news all weekend. That started my weekend off pretty rough. He called me from Korea and was upset. That broke my heart. I'm so emotional when it comes to the guys over there. Anyway, we won the tournament but that was no thanks to me. I played terrible and didn't really give much effort. I was so depressed about the loss of more soldiers....I felt guilty for being alive at that point.

The pain seeing those soldiers on television this weekend brought back the suffering I endured while my H was in Iraq. We lost a very very dear friend. Neither of us had recovered from that before my H had the A. So needless to say I went full circle with my anger. Remembering the nights of no sleep while he was gone. And the funeral of his friend and how painful it was to see his wife and child so upset....all the while I had not had contact with my H nor did I know where he was or if he was even alive.

I just started thinking how could you! How dare you! Then I realized how thankful I was that he was gone. I surely would have LB'ed big time.

So I sucked it up and decided that no matter how mad I was I would not LB when he called. And I didn't. He called me several times. Each time saying how much he hated being away and how he couldn't sleep without me beside him.

I bought him a truck while I was at the tournament. He'll have that to come home to. I'll score major Love Bank points here. He needed a truck and this one is awesome.

So I take it from you post we are a lot alike. You sound like a very aggressive woman. Is that right? I too am aggressive. This is not always a good thing. My family has at times said they felt sorry for my H too. I have always been determined to not ever let anyone push me around. If I feel like I'm in a position where someone is pushing me around I just snap. I'm sure I let that spill over into my M and wouldn't let me H take care of me at all. I had to be the one to do everything. That made me appear hard to him.

I'm working on that now.

So did I hit the nail on the head or what? Are you aggressive? It's not a bad thing all the time. I know that. I'm not judging you here. I just want to know if we might be able to help each other with this. Maybe form an "Aggressive Woman Support Group"....Kidding of course.

Of course i don't want to make light of anyone's feelings who are going through loss of loved ones over seas or even in the "every day world." but the truth of if for me is that i think i could handle the death of my S better than this. i've heard that a lot of people feel similarly. the fact that he would be gone from this world is one thing but to know that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be w/me, doesn't want to work things out, would i think even be more tolerable. i guess if i had to be honest that a lot of it is that he is w/someone else that i thought we would be the only ones for each other until "death do we part." now if he wanted to get back together could i get "over" what has happened yes, i could.

you did hit on the nail, i have always been a pretty stubborn, strong-willed person in every area except my weight over the past few years. i also had people tell either me or my H that they felt sorry for him because of the way i was but you know what? I DID NOT KNOW about HN/HN and all the other MB concepts and how it affected my H and my M and i never thought he would do something like this. i just kept plugging along knowing that one day when we were both done w/school and had full-time jobs and were in a place that we wouldn't be moved a lot because of the military that we would finally be able to be "married." that time was supposed to be this summer. i was looking so forward to it and i've explained this to him since DDay and he just said "why didn't you just tell me that?"

of course, nothing now that i say or do makes him think that there is a chance. i actually had to stop at the last paragraph because he called and i had been avoiding talking to him. i was supposed to have a session w/SH this morning but he was so far behind that i had to reschedule for tomorrow. i really didn't want to talk to my H until i had talked to SH but it was almost unavoidable. so we talked for about 30minutes, i'll recap the conversation in my post about "it's coming...." i don't feel the situation has changed much based on the conversation but anyway.......

again, you're right about me being agressive but that part of me is gone (at least from the time being <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) my M is worth more to me right now than whatever my feelings about things are. gotta go, prayers to you.

Rough -

I totally agree with what you said about losing your S as opposed to what I went through and what you are going through. I had a terrible time in the beginning. We had just lost a very dear friend. He was married with a baby the same age as ours. I asked God in a prayer one time why our friend had to die and my H survived the war. My friend's wife would have given anything in this world to be with her H but he was dead...I was left with an H that was walking out on his wife and 2 girls.

I actuall spoke to her during this time. She knew something was wrong with me and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I just told her that I wanted to die and would not burden her with my problems. She looked me square in the eyes and said....Heroswife, things could be worse. Look at me. I shook my head at her and said I wish I felt that way but sadly enough I do not.

I even found myself thinking that I would have rather he died on the battlefield in honor then to come home from the war and trash his family. I know that is a terrible thought but I kept thinking that at least my girls would not have to hang their head in shame...they could have been proud of him.

Again this is Pre-Recovery thinking...in the peak of my pain. Now I'm so guilty over those thoughts. I regret them everyday. I'm glad he's here and in away I'm almost...almost....glad that this happened to us. I was miserable before with the way things were. I felt ignored an unappreciated. I felt like our relationship was all me and none him.

So now we are working together to better ourselves and our relationship. I know it sounds silly but that's the honest truth.

I'll run over and check your other thread now. I want to hear what happened.

I hope all is well with you. Sending you virtual {{{{hugs}}}}

sounds like we are a lot of like and even though i had seen your signature line before, i'm just now realizing we're almost the same age because you just seemed so wise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> especially when it came to talking to me about my walk w/God, etc. although in my situation it was my H who felt unappreciated and unloved because of the way i was. but again, i didn't know anything different and i can't go back and change that. only to take what i've learned and go forward. wishing you much strength. thanks for the hug and right back at you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> continued prayers to you.

Hi hw, hope you are doing ok and relaxing as much as possible.
I, too, am an Aggressive Woman.
May I join your support group?

People have taken advantage of me in the past, so now I am hardheaded and non-compromising to the extreme.

I nag my H2B, I take out my bad moods on him and I give him hell if he puts a foot wrong.
I am working on becoming a nicer person, and trying to convince myself that being less aggressive does not mean I am weak or a doormat.

My H2B is a wonderful man and often doesnt deserve the grief I give him. But he knows I love him because I make sure I tell him, even in the height of an aggressive outburst.

Thats the key. Even if it feels like the last thing you want to say, tell them you love them. Even if you have to say "I love you, you b@stard".

We all have a bad day from time to time.

Lots of love to you both, hw and rr.

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

H2B and I are on the MB photo album!
Wheres your pic, hw?
If you are a wimp like me, post a pic of you in sunglasses! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ks2001,

of course you can join "our" support group <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> the progress to where i am today has gone through lots of accelrations and decelerations. with the evens of the past few months being the most incredible acceleration into changin my behavior. the first time is when i went on anti-depressants in 1997. i can't even describe how relaxed i felt because of them. i went from crying because i was running late or thought i would be late for an appt, doing everything myself because my H didn't do it the way i wanted, to rewritting my grocery list over and over and eventually putting it in the order it was in the grocery store to just gradually being able to just not worry about things as much any more.

i always relate this to people, the one day it really hit me is when i was vacuuming and i was just smiling! i just didn't get worked up over things as much anymore. i was also going to counseling but the medications just helped me to allow myself to be happy. i realized that there i couldn't control things and that even if i did leave 45 minutes for an appt that was only 20 minutes away that things just happen and i would not be the first person to be late. i realized that even though my H didn't do things the way i would have done them (clean litter box, do laundry, load dishwasher, etc.), it was still being done.

i wish more than anything that someone would have made me read his needs/her needs so many years ago and learned to cherish my H and not take him for granted. unfortunately i had a lot of setbacks and let them get them better of me and didn't see the writing on the wall. i didn't affair proof my M and now...........i'm sure you can guess the rest of the story. you are so much ahead of the game in coming here and learning. so continue to do so, affair proof your future M and never think that there's not room for improvement. prayers to you.

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Thanks, rr!
Im so pleased you have come such a long way!
You have learnt so much, and it is great that you are willing to give us all the benefit of your experience.
I wish you lots of luck in rebuilding your M, and I hope that whatever happens you will be happy.

How are you today, hw?

H2B and I have done the ENQ and the PHQ, and have talked about the importance of honesty and trying to meet each others needs. I have talked to him about his avoidance of conflict: he is reluctant to bring up issues he has because he doesnt want to upset me. He is too wonderful sometimes!

Sending lots of love to my fellow Aggressive Women <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> xxx

KS / RR -

AHHHH so we have now have a support group for aggressive women! WooHoo! I totally need this.

I'll say I always knew I was aggressive but not to the point where I intimidated people. Looking back I can see where people would get that view of me. I just assume that I'm so little (5'7, 120) that no one could ever find me intimidating. Oh well. One of my very dear friends told me one day...after the A. She just said that sometimes I come across as intimidating and very confident. That was a wake up call for me.

So here we are...the three of us trying to learn how to use our aggressiveness in positive ways.

KS - I have not posted my pic yet. I'm worried about people knowing who I am. My H could really get in trouble for what happened. I just wonder if someone saw me here and then try to get him in trouble. I'll see if I can find one that will suffice. I'll also go over there and check out your photos.

RR - my age...28. I had my first baby at 19. I'm an old soul. My father died when I was 23 and my step father had a heartattack a few years back. I've had to step up to take care of my mother and step father...not really care for them as in full time but I just have to help them. I've been married for almost 10 years. I guess that makes me seem much older.

As for my faith I found God just 3 or 4 months before the A happened. My H actually lead us into our faith. I was so hot headed before the A that if I hadn't been a born again Christian when this happened things could have gotten really ugly really quickly.

I had a total lack of control. When this happened I just focused on the legacy I wanted to leave for my children. I wanted them to see me as a woman of God. I tried to focus on them. My faith delivered me through this. I would not be here today without it. I seriously contimplated ending my life. I just thought it would be better for everyone. I didn't want to live bitter and angry.

I turned my anger over to God....and here I am!

Sorry for the long response.

hw, I am not religious, but respect your views and judgement. I am inclined to remind you that you alone are responsible for how much you have achieved since dday. Im sure you would still be a wonderful woman if you were not religious.

You may be an aggressive woman, but it is your personality which has got you where you are today. It is this quality in you that has helped you become successful in your career, as well as as a wife and mother. The aim here is not to change your character, just direct this aspect of you in a more positive direction.

Your daughters need to grow up admiring your strength of will, and emulating you, because as young women they will often have people trying to take advantage of them. My mother could be described as an aggressive woman, but it was this quality that meant she had the confidence to raise me in the way she thought best, rather than what others told her. Now, at 20, I really appreciate how strong she has always been and I am grateful for the principals and values she has given me. I hope to one day bring up my children as well as she has brought up me.

rr, your mother has raised you in preparation for these events. You need to direct your aggression towards finding the determination you now require to save your marriage. Your character will give you strength and resolve, which is essential to perform both plan A and plan B. Every time you feel like giving up, come back to Aggressive Women Anonymous and we will remind you who you really are!

Sending love to you both. xxx

By the way, hw, I am only 5ft2! I am beginning to see a pattern emerging...

H2B is 6ft2. He is gentle, caring and never wants to rock the boat.

How tall are you, rr?

hw

I am weaning from the boards, becoming a lurker rather than an active participant, as reading some of the new member's situations brings back too many bad feelings.

I just wanted you to know I've followed you thread from the beginning, and you should be so PROUD of how far you have come!

These communication issues during recovery are so critical, with so many emotions still somewhat open and raw from the past few months, can blow way out of proportion in a hurry. It's happened to me, too, so don't think your latest speedbump was something only you have done!

Sorry FWH is away for a while, but I think his LB$ will be running over with the truck you got for him, and just from having been away for the first time since...

Anyway, I think of you from time to time, and always have known you had the strength to work through this, even when you didn't.

God bless, and best wishes

SD

Shattered -

Your words bring tears to my eyes. I thank you for your support and your kind words during my entire ordeal. I know I had times of wanting to give up but I'm glad I didn't.

I do not like to think of where I would have been without MB. I would have been totally lost.

My H and I speak several times during the day now that he is in Korea. He calls me non-stop now. I can tell he misses me. That helps me.

I plan to continue my path of recovery but I do know that there will be lapses here and there. I'm prepared for that now. With this instance I was really not prepared at all.

Shattered - I hope all is well with you. I'll never forget you for all of your help.

Sending you hugs.

Hi Ladies - glad to see you're enjoying MY thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Pardon this commercial break.

Re: aggressive women

From this guy's perspective, please note that a lot of guys LIKE aggressive women - at least the self assured guys. But "aggressive" I speak of here is WAY different from being [b]itchy and pushy. Two different things.

Confidence, self assuredness, assertiveness - are attractive to guys who cannot be easily intimidated, which I presume are the types of guys these types of women like. I could be wrong.

My SO, whom hw has met, is 5' and 94 pounds soaking wet. A peanut. But in her company her nickname is "The Pitbull." She does the heavy lifting. I admire her sense of presence, her confidence, and her tall "stature." I could NOT be attracted to a wimp. Fortunately, she knows how NOT to be "pushy." A keen balance, perhaps.

So, if you want my advice, be strong, assertive, self assured - but don't nag. That's an entirely different attribute.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

WAT -

I totally agree with you on this one. I do not believe that I am pushy at all. I am focused and rarely falter my end goal. I'm sure you'll admit that women are often thought of as weak and taken advantage of. I've been in more then one situation where my gender obviously impacted the way I was treated. Add that to my southern accent and you've got a salad of reasons as to why someone would try to take advantage of me.

It didn't take me long to figure out that if I was going to be successful in life (professionally socially emotionally) I would have to squash that stereotype. I think that was when I decided not to be pushed around.

I was a victime of a violent attack in my younger years. I didn't live with my family at the time and the school admins knew that. They tried to keep it quiet and hide it from everyone. I was told that I would have to get used to men treating me like my attacker did. I was told I would have to learn to deal with that because I was a pretty girl and it was natural.

Wrong answer. Not me, not then, not ever. I'll admit that this particular situation made me more sensitive in situations that I might perceive as someone pushing me around. So there it is in a nutshell.

I still swear that I'm probably the most compassionate person on the face of this earth. I invent ways to give back and I bring others with me on my journey.

Southern accent? What southern accent? You sounded "normal" to me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />