Kati

I have to agree with what others here are saying. Exposure is the only way to bring reality to this situation. Your husband does not want you interfering for one reason only! He wants the A to continue. I know that if my husband were to find out I was involved in the EA it would be over that moment..maybe not emotionally but I would know it was ended if he knew because he would be so devastated and that alone would kill me.

Kati you say your husband is online with the OW alot..is he online when he is at home as well? If so you can find out what he is up to using key logger software...just wondering if you had ever considered that?

I wrote a response to your post under my thread.. Thanks again for being the first and only MB member(so far)to post to me. You really did make me think about things differently.

Please take care and know this OW wishes you all the best

Liana

Liana,

Ever since I have found the original IM thread, he has taken the computer away from home. He keeps it at work now, so I have no access at all to anything. Once in a while, he will work 'late' which may be true, but who knows really...

For a while, I think the contact had stopped, but then she started calling again. I found her number on his cell phone bill. I have not found any calls to or from her since February though, but who knows. He'd also gotten in the habit of buying phone cards for tons of money so that I could not find out about his calls.

You know, I am not going to snoop after him because it makes me sick and that is not the kind of woman that I AM or want to become. In addition, it is not going to help me or make me feel better. On the contrary, every time I saw that he still talks to her, I puked. No more of that! I've lost so much weight that I really cannot afford to loose any more and I don't want to make myself sick. He is not worth that.

The problem with exposure is that I do not know where OW lives since she lives with her fiancee and I don't know his name or the town where they live. I only know where her parents live, but I also know that at least her Mom knows of my H's existance because he has sent OW presents and flowers over to Mom's house and her Mom once said that she thinks my H is such a nice guy because he cares for her daughter and sends presents. OW then said that she think if they were actually together, he would stop all this attention real quick and her Mom said "I don't think so." I found all this in the IM thread. <PUKE> Therefore, I haven't confronted Mom & Dad because I really don't think that I would get anything out of it.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ever since I have found the original IM thread, he has taken the computer away from home. He keeps it at work now, so I have no access at all to anything. Once in a while, he will work 'late' which may be true, but who knows really... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this is a Marriage? Doesn't sound like there is much trust there.

For $20.00 buks you can do a search on the internet and find her name, #, address, how much she pays in taxes, etc. Get with the times, my dear. If you want to find HER, you can.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whiteknight:
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this is a Marriage? Doesn't sound like there is much trust there.


No, it's not a marriage, WK. I don't even know what the h*** this is anymore... I don't even know this person anymore...

Kati

okay guys, i started a thread for kati about exposure and you guys are still posting here so i'll still do it here as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

kati, please read the thread HW started for me "roughroad needs help w/exposure" i think i will give you some insight. what i want to say now is that i HAD to talk to the OW's mom. I had to put a face to the name and pain. i had to do it because i didn't want to think somewhere down this "rough road" that if only i had talked to the OW's parents then maybe things would be different.

did it really change anything by me doing that? i don't know but i am glad i did it.
i had to pay $50 to find out her address (she still lives at home) her DOB, height, etc. it was well worth it. I live in another state than my H (not because of this) so i couldn't use spyware on the home computer and i couldn't follow them around. so when i was at our house in another state i paid the $ to find the info, didn't tell my H what i was going to do. when i went to the house, yes, there were flowers to the OW from my H right on the table w/a card, yes, there were pictures of them together out in the open. did her parents know that he was M and about me? YES, I only talked to her mother and yes, she even said they liked my H.

well i gotta go to a function, i'll be back later but will be thinking about you. prayers to you.

Hi RR,

I've read the thread about exposing and what happened when you went over to OW's Mom and talked to her. That was very brave and I'm glad that it helped you in a way to put a face to the pain.

Honestly, I do not want to put a face to the pain and I cannot see how this could help ME feel better. I know that everyone is different, but see OW already knows that I know everything, so what good would it do to confront her or her parents? I would probably hear more lies and I know that my H has told her lots of stuff about me, half of it not true, so then I would look like the crazy jealous wife who goes over harrassing OW and her parents. Plus I do not have a U.S. citizenship, therefore I would have to be VERY careful what I'm doing anyway. According to the latest Patriot Act, Green Card holders walk a fine line....

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong>Honestly, I do not want to put a face to the pain and I cannot see how this could help ME feel better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would putting an end to the affair make you fel better?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that everyone is different, but see OW already knows that I know everything, so what good would it do to confront her or her parents?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may be right, here. That's why the exposure target needs to be her fiancee. Do you know his name?

WAT

WAT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would putting an end to the affair make you feel better?


Of course it would make me feel better, but I don't think that confronting her would make the A go away.


QUOTE][/QUOTE]You may be right, here. That's why the exposure target needs to be her fiancee. Do you know his name?

No, I do not know his name; only his first name.

Kati

Kati - I tend to agree. Confronting her may be counterproductive. I meant that you still have an opportunity to expose this affair and, thus, potentially cause its end: by exposing it to her fiancee.

You have no children. Another option, if you cannot find her fiancee or do not pursue that route, is to finish up a strong Plan A, then separate yourself from him and go to Plan B. This will "free" him to pressure OW to dump her fiancee. Who knows what will happen with that? Whatever happens, the status quo is changed and turmoil has a chance to arise.

WAT

WAT,

I definitely think that confronting her will NOT help me in any way.

I'm doing a pretty good job with Plan A, but I also know that it will be temporary unless there is NC.

Kati

Kati, do what you feel comfortable doing, i actually never confronted the OW and don't ever plan on talking to her or seeing her in person. It is true that at times exposure is not the thing to do. SH didn't feel that exposing to my IL's was a good idea and a lot of people here didn't understand why. That's because given our situation and w/SH professional training he thought that me telling his family would not help our situation. HOWEVER, he said that if it came from anyone but me that was fine. Be a plan A master, prayers to you.

how are you doing Kati? prayers to you.

Kati:

What's the update? Have you gotten any Ad's yet? have they "kicked in?" Any update on getting some IC? Let us know.

Thanks for asking. I have an appointment with a counselor this week and I will ask for some AD's at that time. Hopefully, they will prescribe something for me that will help take the edge off.

Believe it or not, I actually had a pretty good weekend and I haven't cried since Friday. ;-) Maybe the beautiful weather outside helped with that. Went and got my hair highlighted on Saturday and bought a few new sexy Spring outfits. Went to the Gym on Saturday and I really cute guy was flirting with me. Boosted my self-esteem! I know; it's NOT the answer and NO, I'm not getting phone numbers or having a revenge affair, but I have to admit, it did feel good. ;-)

H is going to be back from his trip this week. I'm looking forward to him coming home, but at the same time I'm scared, too. Sounds strange, but that's how I feel.

Kati

Kati,

I'm happy to hear you are going to get help...

in the meantime, you can make a very positive start here and your pals on this thread can help keep yourself honest to yourself!

STOP posting negative thoughts...post that you're pissed off if you want...sure...that's called venting...post questions in order to learn...

but...posting that you feel responsible for your H's A??? NO WAY!

I'm suggesting this because each time you write something along these lines, you are reinforcing it within yourself...I believe from reading your postings that you've already entrenched this -- this negative idea has firmly taken control of YOU...

hence I'd like to suggest that you start the simple exercise of motivating yourself with positive thoughts...

and I KNOW people here will help you do this... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

so Kati: you are wonderful and warm person who has lost weight and wants to gain it back...you love bellydancing and working out...you like kids...I am going to guess that you are a fun person to be around!

what good thoughts can you tell yourself...I'm a warm and wonderful person who's already made friends here at MB? People care about me because I'm special?

are those working for you??? if not, anyone else want to chime in with some thoughts?

let's get Kati believing in Kati for a change...

Kati: try to remember that WS is lost right now...it really helps if you can think of him that way...don't TELL him that but accept it inside of you...

think of yourself as a duck...his comments, his actions...let them roll off your back for the time being...

BTW: I can't have kids, my H was involved in an intense EA (hey WK? men do have intense EAs too...the PA was not the make/break point of his A at all)...and we've been M about the same length of time as you...

don't lose hope honey...I know us childless couples are rare here but all the same stuff applies...okay?

first and foremost...getting you back to yourself...feeling strong...in and of yourself...

take care...awed

Awed,

I do think that I'm a nice person. I actually have lots of good friends who truly care about me and I'm very outgoing and I LOVE meeting and getting to know people. Before I came to this country, I used to be very shy, but coming here changed me a lot and I learned how to approach people.

One thing that I'm really proud of is the type of friends that I have made here. I have made friends through all the different age groups and I'm always having parties at my home because I love to cook for people and I'm constantly invited to my friend's homes for get-togethers. I've even founded a group for young women from my country in this area and we often get-together for tea and we help each other out with many different aspects of living in a foreign country.

I'm a pretty good artist and I love to dance. I was a competitive gymnast in my home country and I've also done many years of ballett. Now I concentrate on fitness and belly-dancing which has become my all-time favorite hobby. ;-)

I would like to learn to feel better about myself and not always feel so guilty when I'm doing something nice for myself. This is one thing that I'm going to ask the counselor to help me with. I feel incredibly guilty whenever I spent money on myself, whether it is for clothes, a new hair-do or just about anything. It has gotten better, but I still feel it at times. I grew up with my Grandma and we never had a lot of money and we were very thrifty at home. I suspect that may have something to do with it. I am able to live on very little money if necessary.

You know, this weekend, when the handsome guy was flirting with me at the gym, my first thought was "Why would he look at ME?" And then when I left the gym, I looked at myself in the mirrow and I thought "Of course, he would look at me. I'm pretty hot." ;-) People often compliment me on my looks, my body etc., but I have noticed that I always downplay their compliments. I never thank them. Well, this morning, one of my co-workers complimented me on my new dress and I said "Thank you!" and smiled, nothing else....

My husband is coming home this week and he just called a few moments ago to talk to me. He said that he was looking forward to coming home and that he's got some special for me and he's looking forward to see me and to be back in our home. I am looking forward to see him, too, but I'm also worried.

Being childless in a marriage is indeed not easy. I love children and I already have two godchildren who I adore. My H says that he wants to have a baby with me, but I just cannot see bringing in a child into all of this at the moment, even though this is one of my biggest dreams to be a Mom.

Kati

Kati...Ok, girl, let's get this one thing straight, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You are not responsible for your H's affair!!! Got it? I'm sure that you have issues with your H too and things that haven't exactly gone your way, but you didn't go out and have an A, did you?? Ok, do you see my point. Why do we as WS have affairs? Who knows. Temporary insanity would be my only guess. I think that all marriages get into a rut at times, even the best of them and it is during that rut that we become vulnerable.

You are an awesome person and I can tell that just by reading your posts here. You are so awesome that your H married you. Now don't go blaming yourself for his stupidity. I think that we could all say honestly that we could do more for our spouses but that doesn't give any of us the right to commit adultery.

kati, just wanted say that we (the BS) can't help but blame ourselves to a certain degree. The MB concepts tell us that everyone is vulnerable to an A giving the right conditions, which means the EN aren't being met. When we BS realize that we weren't meeting the needs of the WS then we do blame ourselves. I still do this but I think more of what I have realized now is that I was ignorant of my H's needs, whether it was because i'm young, this was my first M, or simply because the fact he didn't TELL me. many people will say (including myself but especially the WS) that we should have known what their needs are but none of us have ESP.

I guess my point is that use whatever feelings you have constructively. You can't change the past or none of us would be here in the first place. learn from whatever you think you contributed because you are the only person you can change or control. The WS is still entirely responsible for the choices they made and it was a choice. The BS was not given a choice whatever they thought or felt was based on what we thought we knew at the time. Knowledge is power and harnass all that you've learned and use it to help you and ultimately your M.

I still feel extreme guilt for the way i was in our M that contributed to the situation we are in but w/the help of counseling i've realized how much better i am NOW. Of course, my closer relationship w/God now has helped tremendously now as well. That whatever happens occurs for a reason and i need to do what needs to be done in order to stay the course and finish the race. good luck w/the counseling appt and prayers to you.

Hi Lisa!

Thank you for your encouraging words. Deep down inside, I do know that I am not to blame for my husband's affair. Maybe I have tried to understand why this has happened, but then again there really is no logical explanation.

The other day, a friend of mine (who does not know about our problems) casually mentioned to me that she somestimes gets really annoyed with the way my husband is treating me. She mentioned that he often talks 'down' to me or treats me like a child, or someone who does not speak English properly. I guess I have gotten so used to this that I do not even notice anymore. I do know that he is often very angry with me and there really is no reason for it. When he would start screaming and yelling at me, I would break down and cry and he would walk away from me. I no longer do this now. I think, it is very hard for him to be so angry with me when there really is no justification for it. Truthfully, I think that he is angry with himself. It would be so much easier if I were just to become a b****. But I'm sweet and I will not lower my own standards of behavior to make it easier for him.

Last night I was thinking about our marriage and the time that we have spent together and you know most of this time has been very good and special. The way our love started was pure and genuine. There was so much chemistry (and there still is; at least on my side...). We have so many great memories and travel and people that we have met through this journey and me learning to make a life in this country for myself. My relationship with my H's family, especially his Mom (who passed away about 3 years ago) was so close.

I don't think OW would ever be able to have with him what I have.

Kati

thank YOU kati for YOUR words of encouragement to me. i don't feel like i'm equipped to encourage others but please know that YOU have made me smile and made me feel better. hope today is going better for you and wish i could hug you in person but since i can't i'll send one to you{{{{{hug}}}}}}. i've often heard that by helping others it inturns helps ourselves and you are certainly doing that. prayers to you.