</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by i'm precious:
Me-43
H-46
M-13 years
Kids (yours, mine, and ours) S-24,23,21,12 D 20
EA/PA lasted approx. 6 wks
D-day 6/24/03-glad of it.
OM was 12 year old son's psychiatrist who offered to do MC for H and I after A happened.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bravo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mel<---------------very proud of Imprecious

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

melody,

Do you really think that I've NEVER said I'm sorry? Do you think that I think it's no big deal? Do you think that I'm bragging? Do you think it never crosses my mind?

I have to live with this the rest of my life. Now I'm sure you think I deserve that and I'm sure I do. I have everyday for the rest of my life to go over it. I can rehash it over and over again. I can remind myself how stupid I was, how much pain I caused, what I could have done to stop it, how much sooner I could have recognized that things were headed in the wrong direction. It can and will go on and on and on.

You seem to think that I lay the blame of everything that's happened in my life on others. Well, I beg to differ with you. The IC I saw before she retired almost stood up and applauded the day I actually said that I didn't blame myself because my mom had alzheimer's. I have no problem with blame. However, I do on occasion get a little tired of it. While I know that a lot of these are my fault. I know down deep inside that somewhere there is something that hasn't been my fault. But then what difference doew it make? I guess I should just get over it. Why see an IC anyway? I am sorry everyday that I ever told anyone about my past ChSA and ASA. I have already lived to regret it. I should have kept it to myself. It was safer there.

Used to be I'm precious

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by i'm precious:
[QB] melody,

Do you really think that I've NEVER said I'm sorry? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can you be truly sorry for something for which you accept no responsibility? All the sorrys in the world are meaningless empty talk if you blame your choices on someone else. They are meaningless if you refuse to accept 100% responsibility for your actions.

Talk is cheap.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think that I think it's no big deal? Do you think that I'm bragging? Do you think it never crosses my mind? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Empty talk when not backed up with demonstrated remorse and accountability.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to live with this the rest of my life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So does your H and he didn't chose this. You did. He is the victim here, not you. He is your victim.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can remind myself how stupid I was, how much pain I caused, what I could have done to stop it, how much sooner I could have recognized that things were headed in the wrong direction. It can and will go on and on and on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could say "I am 100% responsible for my actions." You won't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The IC I saw before she retired almost stood up and applauded the day I actually said that I didn't blame myself because my mom had alzheimer's. I have no problem with blame. However, I do on occasion get a little tired of it. ]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then it shouldn't be hard for you at all to accept appropriate blame if you are such an old pro. Go to your H and say: "I am 100% responsible for my choice to have an affair. I am a thinking gal who can make my own decisions and I used tragically bad judgment when I CHOSE to have an affair. I am very sorry for my actions."

No more bulls*it, no more blameshifting, no victimizing, no woe is poor [censored] me. Just face it straight on with no qualifiers and no BS. You are going to lose your H if you don't.

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody,

I told him that today. He's leaving. I knew he would. I don't blame him.

I have always accepted blame for my part of it. I didn't say no. I should have. I have tried to show him that I'm sorry. And don't give me this bull about how it's empty words. I don't buy it. I have met his EN. He has met mine. Why is it that every time a BS asks how and why the answer given is never good enough? What would prove that we're sorry? Should I kill myself? Should I grovel the rest of my life? Should I just let him beat the crap out of me?


I do have one question for you though. How is it that he's a victim? I'm not allowed to be a victim, but he is. You're right. He didn't make this decision. I did. But you know what, I didn't make the decision to lose my virginity when I was 14. Someone else made that decision for me. They stole it. Or do you think I need to take responsibility for that too? I always like how the double standard always comes up. Oh well, should have known. BS's can be victims. Others can't.

OK just keep the 2X4 coming. I'm sure in your mind I will deserve it the rest of my life. I can't even take blame correctly. You may as well give up. I'm a lost cause. It would be nice to get back to my original question, which was should I be the one to move out? I know that I have your opinion. But then I guess it doesn't deserve to be answered. I'm just an "evil, n***** fu***** , selfish sl**.

Used to be I'm precious

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by i'm precious:
Melody,

I told him that today. He's leaving. I knew he would. I don't blame him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you wait until today, Imprecious? What had you told him before?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have always accepted blame for my part of it. I didn't say no.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You came here today and told us how you weren't to blame, so no, you haven't accepted blame. How he was the "perpetrator" and this was an "incident." You did't represent yourself as an affair partner.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I should have. I have tried to show him that I'm sorry. And don't give me this bull about how it's empty words. I don't buy it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TAlk is cheap and "I'm sorry" means nothing when you refuse to accept responsibility for your actions. What counts is that he buys it and you can see he doesn't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have met his EN. He has met mine. Why is it that every time a BS asks how and why the answer given is never good enough? What would prove that we're sorry? Should I kill myself?Should I grovel the rest of my life? Should I just let him beat the crap out of me?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh c'mon, act your age. You have been watching too many chick flicks on A&E. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Please knock off the melodrama, it is more suited to a teenage girl.

You have not met his need for honesty about your responsiblity in this affair. It is never good enough when you try to blame others for your choices. If you can be "manipulated" by one man, you can be manipulated by the next one to jump into bed.

Your H knows this acutely since you refuse to accept responsibility for your choices. If you are not responsible for your choices, then you can't be responsible for change. And that makes him unsafe around you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do have one question for you though. How is it that he's a victim? I'm not allowed to be a victim, but he is. You're right.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Its not a matter of "allowed" but a matter of WHAT IS. You cheated on him, he is your victim. I know you hate relinquishing that role, but facts are facts.

IP

I'm sure you and a few others who are on their first lap around this track are thinking "WOW that melodylane is a heartless wench"

Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

She is dead on accurate. It isn't a punishment to accept accountability and responsibility for having had an affair. Having had an affair doesn't make you a piece of garbage or unworthy and No, you should not even put the words "kill myself" into your post unless you are planning to eat a gun. If you are THAT despondent put down the mouse, back slowly away from the keyboard and call a crisis counselor right now.

...but if you aren't planning on it that sort of manipulative bullsh1t will not fly around here.

So how about we take a timeout. Stop it with all the poor me the innocent victim stuff.

I've got a post up on this board right now reviewing the MB recovery principles a little bit but the first one you have to get used to is that the affair was your doing and you need to shoulder that responsibility.

You are very manipulative with all this pity party stuff and it just won't go over here very well. Melody isn't mean, I'm not mean and the other folks here aren't mean.

...We're just not real anxious to help someone who won't be straight with us let alone their spouse and there is absolutely no tolerance of either the 'it wasn't my fault' or the 'yes, I am scum, i don't deserve to live,, maybe I should kill myself, Oh Rhett!' type theatrics.

Simple reason why - it's a waste of your time and ours when you do that. There are folks here who've survived this, there are folks here who've helped walk others through it and there are folks here who can walk you through it. There are also folks who need some help and some of us whose relationships have already recovered come back to lend a hand with folks who are just starting. Frankly, most in the last category are really bored with the folks who won't help themselves and can't be straight and they move on to the new folks who are willing to work with us.

So here is a simple question:

Why are you here?

If it is to hear that it was all the OM's fault and you were powerless - sorry, you'll just get slapped around here.

If it is to then resort to threats of suicide and declarations of your amoeba status that won't work here either. (tough room, ain't it - buncha mean-spirited sunza*****es here huh)

Now on the other hand if you are a good person who f'd up bigtime and wants to make thngs right pull up a stool, grab a drink and talk to us like the intelligent adult you are - no pity parties, no guilting us for not patting your head, no bullsh1t - If you can say "I had an affair, I am very sorry and very confused and i need help, please help" then yer gonna get help.

What's it gonna be?

MelodyLane I really hope that she will stop being defensive and LISTEN to what you are saying. You are so right!

precious, You and I have a lot in common. I was raped at a very young age too. They say that one in three women are raped in their lifetime. I think if all rapes were reported the # would be closer to two of three. When it happened to me it did mess with my mind. I couldn't see a blue car with a loud engine without my heart racing in fear that it was him! In the next few years I did some stupid things and looking back some of it may have been related to that experience, but I'm an adult now, close to your age, everything I do now is ON ME! If I make a bad choice it's MY FAULT.

Stop with the dramatics and try listening to what's being said here. ML isn't trying to make you mad or attack you, she's trying to help you to learn to take responsibility for your own actions. If you don't do that you are destined to repaet the bad decisions you have made. Your marriage isn't over YET, but if you don't change your attitude I don't see how it's going to be saved. YES, your H IS a victim! You did something that hurt him very much! It wasn't done TO YOU! You CHOSE to do it!