<small>[ April 16, 2004, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Liana47 ]</small>

Liana,

You could be the OW in MY life. ;-) This story is just so similar to my own. My H is military as well and most of his EA started while deployed, thankfully not to Iraq though.

Do you want to stay married to your husband? If so, then it would be best to never have contact with OM again.

Something like that can be very powerful and almost addicting and it is hard to break away, but if you want to have a good relationship with your H, then you need to stop it asap.

I think a lot of people in the service tend to get lonely when they are away from their families and it is easy to get involved (even if it's' just through chat) with someone else. You do not know him, just through the net, and he could be telling you anything, some of it may not be true. I know that MY H paints a pretty good picture of himself, which at times differs very much from the real him. ;-) But, that's okay. We all like to make ourselves look good to other people. Nothing wrong with that, but once you involve other people emotionally it becomes tricky.

Another think that I'd like to tell you is that you may not be the ONLY woman that he is chatting to like that. Have you ever thought about that?

You need to think about what it is that your are missing in your marriage and what it is that you are getting from him and talk to your H about it and see if you can turn around things in your marriage.

Kati

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Liana47 ]</small>

Liana,

Make a list of things that are good and bad in your marriage and then make a list of the things that you share with OM and compare. If you want your marriage to work, then you will have to stop, not wallow about when, if, or how, but you need to make a decision quickly and stick to it. Is it going to be easy? No, it's gonna be excruitiatingly painful and you are gonna think that you won't be able to make it, but you know what, you will. If you want to....

You said that you don't want to hurt your husband, well you already have and you know, he may already know that something is not right. BS usually always do; there is just this feeling and eventually he WILL find out. Would the OM leave his wife for you? Do you think that you could trust the OM really ever? How would you feel when faced with the possibility of loosing your H? These are very real questions, Liana.

Now, you need to figure out what YOU want... Just as I'm figuring out what I want.

Kati

Liana,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I commend you on recognizing that things have gone too far and that the only way forward now is to break off your friendship with this soldier. I know you would love to remain friends, and you will ask yourself "What if we just...." "What if we agreed to never...." but trust me a line has been crossed and lines will continue to be crossed. You are already in over your head and it will only get worse.

You MUST have absolutely no more contact with this man, ever. I wouldn't tell him online, chatting. I would write an email and send it to him.

You will go through phases of withdrawal, just as a drug addict goes through withdrawal. The chemical reactions that occur in your brain when you interact with OM (or can't interact with him) are similar or identical to the chemical reactions that occur with an addict when they get (or can't get) their fix. During this time you will probably set short goals - I won't talk to him today; I won't talk to him this week; I won't talk to him until school is out... and your goals will continue getting further into the future as you find yourself better able to handle the idea of NC (no contact).

After the initial withdrawal you will probably panic when you realize that NC must be *forever*. After the panic is over, however, it will get much easier. Many have been through it and you can get through it too.

Know that every day you avoid NC you are making it harder on yourself.

As soon as you decide on NC, write the NC email.
Then delete all chat logs, emails, pictures, EVERYTHING that has to do with him. Change your email address or make a rule that deletes his emails before you see them.
Remove your chat software from your computer, or change your chatid and block him from initiating a chat with you.
You say you talk on the phone with him. You should change your phone number (to an unlisted one) and block his number(s) if that option is available to you where you live.

What I'm trying to say is you have to get rid of ALL reminders and take EXTRAORDINARY precautions to ensure he can't contact you again. Then you have to hang on tight and avoid contacting him.

The sooner the better. You can do this, and folks here will help you.

I read your reply to kati's post and that she'd been the only one to reply. so here i am and will try to say a few things. a lot of times what's in the subject line of a post is what gets people to read and then reply. a lot of people don't feel like they know what to say to the OP and that is what i felt when i read your subject line. HOWEVER, that's not to say that you are not welcome here because you are and we are glad you found this place. also update your signature line to show the ages, length of marriage, kids, etc. it's always helpful to get a snapshot of the situation.

my advice to you at this point would be to read his need/her needs and surviving an affair by dr. harley. it doesn't matter if it was just an EA, you still need to read both those books. read all you can on the MB homepage and read and post here A LOT. sometimes it takes you posting a lot of replies before people start to reply to you. Not sure where you are in a relationship w/God but praying to him to help you and to guide you can never be wrong. prayers to you.

Liana, I think its real simple. You send him a no contact today telling him not to contact you again. That is the right thing to do. You then tell your H what has happened as he also has a right to know that happened.

From that start, I would get the book, Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley to try and figure out if there was something missing in the marriage that led to this. You can use this affair to make your marriage better if your H learns to meet the needs that OM was meeting.

Good luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Liana - the solution for you is very simple.

See 2ofaKind's post, "Why MB Works....." and the included discussion about no contact letters.

Write one and send it to the OM.

Ideally, you would confess all to your husband first, show the NC letter to him, and allow him to send it.

In the meantime, get a copy of Surviving An Affair, available from the bookstore on this site, or just about any on-line bookseller, and absorb it completely. In the process of doing this, complete the EN questionaire and ask your husband to do the same. Share the results.

Now, are you willing to confess all to your husband?

I said that your solution was simple, I didn't say it was easy.

Information on No Contact Letters

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Liana47 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liana47:
<strong>I do plan to tell him we must stop this but I dont want to put it in email. We plan to talk next week and I will do it then.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What about what we said didn't you understand????

DO NOT TALK TO HIM!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

No talking! Zip, zilch, zero, nada, none!!!

Got it???

WAT

Why do you plan to wait a week?
Why when talking and not via email?

I can think of lots of reasons to do it now and in writing; I'm curious to know your reasoning.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liana47:
<strong>No I do not want my husband to know and I dont plan to devastate him by telling him..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you plan to devastate YOURSELF by keeping this dirty secret for the rest of your life???

Very foolish.

You will change your mind.

Liana,

You CAN do it, but you must do it now. Why wait to tell him in person? Do you think that is going to make it any easier? I don't think that it will. I think it's going to be a lot harder and if you want to hear the truth, I don't think that it's going to be possible. I've been there; I've heard the exact same things from my own husband.

Write him a NC email and send it today. It's going to be h*** for you for a while; I'm not going to lie to you, but know that you can ALWAYS come here for support.

As far as telling your H, I guess that is in individual decision. I don't know your husband and I cannot predict how he is going to react. Do you think that you can live with this secret or is it going to eat away at you? Do you think the relationship to your husband can go back to the way it was before the EA?

What do you think made you go into the EA with the soldier? You may want to try to figure this out because it will help you strenghten your own marriage.

I wish you the best.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liana47:
[QB] everyone

Thank you for the ideas and support. I do plan to tell him we must stop this but I dont want to put it in email. We plan to talk next week and I will do it then. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You shouldn't see him at all. You just end it cleanly and move on. That is the best way to handle it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to get through that and then will think about what my husband should know. Isnt this an individual thing? I've read where some of you havent confessed and gone on to have good marriages..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, what your H should know is everything. You have no right to withhold information like his from him. This is about HIS LIFE. He has a right to know. Lying to him will not solve the problem, nor is there such a thing as a good marriage that is based on a foundation of lies.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I do not want my husband to know and I dont plan to devastate him by telling him.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What will devastate your H is if you continue to lie to him. He has already been harmed, he just doesn't know it yet. Lying is NOT the solution to adultery, honesty is.

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: Liana47 ]</small>

I said nothing about hating anybody. Everything we've stated is with compassion towards you and your husband - and towards your soldier and his family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liana47:
<strong>I wish more of you could support the way I want to handle this but obviously not.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you came here expecting us to tell you what you want to hear, you came to the wrong place.

We've told you what you NEED to hear.

Someday, you will agree.

Good luck,
WAT

you mentioned people here that have not told and gone on to have a great marriage? WHO????
I WOULD LIKE THAT LIST.

you want a bunch of people who have been devastated by selfish people just like you to support you in doing it to another??? are you truely that insane??? if you have been lurking here for any amount of time you should know we arent gonna do that.

waiting for the list.....

Liana,

I did not misunderstand you. I know that you are having an EA, not a PA and that you wanted to break up 'over the phone' with him. I'm just telling you that this is going to be the more difficult route since you will be hearing his voice. I don't know you, so I'm not going to imply that you are not a strong woman. You may very well be able to pull this off and never hear/write to him again. I hope so. But when I read your mails, I can tell that you still have a lot of feelings for him and it is going to be very hard to say 'good-bye' like that. Many people who are in PA's go back to the affair partner to say good-bye one more time in person, have sex, cry bitter tears only to go back weeks later to say good-bye just 'one more time'. It's a never-ending cycle. My H's EA has been going on 'off and on' for eight long years, Liana. These feelings are powerful; don't underestimate them....

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liana47:

Kati,

Thank you for your support..it really means alot to me.. You did misunderstand me on one point though..this is an EA.. he lives several states away from me, we have only talked online and by phone so I will not be seeing him in person. We planned a phone call next week when we talked 2 days ago. I do plan to tell him then whether or not anyone here agrees with me. I cant expect anyone here to understand but I will miss the friend I had in him and I think talking once more by phone will hurt nobody. It will be over after that day.. I really have no doubt about that.

Liana [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I've been here for 4 1/2 years and don't know of anyone who kept their "secret" and went on to have a strong healthy marriage. Secrets don't do anything but hurt marriages, honesty builds them up and makes them strong.

Liana you simply want to avoid the consequences of your poor choice.