hurtnp,
You have gotten some really good advice, but I saw you bumped your posting and I felt compelled to write to you. I hope you will take what I have to say to heart, because that's where its coming from.
When my FWH's affair began it was while he worked nights and I worked days. A married, female police clerk who worked his same shift began to talk to him during work and breaks, and it snowballed from there. I didn't know the things my FWH was going through the time, personally and professionally. I had an idea, but he dismissed them and didn't want to share.
The only reason it continued for so long was that no one knew, they wanted to stay in their marriages, only met a few times a year for sex and even then they would go for a year or two and not meet. According to my FWH, "either she or I would call and ask to meet (sex) depending on what was going on in my life I would say yes and we would arrange it or I would tell her no and vice versa."
Anyway, getting back to you. It is obvious that A: you know there is/was an A, regardless of whether it was a PA or EA. B: you wish to save your M. C: things are not going well, either he doesn't wish to end it or he doesn't want to face it. D: you want things to change.
We have all been there, its what you do now that is going to determine what happens. Everyone has told you to Plan A and I know you've tried. I think you need to quit trying to make him chose. This is a very emotional time and of course that is the first thing you'd say. You want it over! But he is obviously still in either denial or a fog.
That said, it is imperative that you get the Surviving An Affair book and His Needs, Her Needs ASAP! Start with SAA. I also read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass that really helped.
If you need someone to talk to please email me at renaeinca@aol.com
<small>[ April 21, 2004, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: nay-nay ]</small>
