My H & I will be married 10 years this October. We have 2 beautiful little boys, and everything that anyone could want. Several yrs ago when my first son was 3, I found some very pornographic pictures of my h and his lover. I confronted him, and we did all the right things, counseling, etc. At the time, we even spoke w/Dr. Harley. I thought we'd gotten past that, and I was even more in love w/my husband. We had another little boy, just 18 months. However, I was supicious recently, and I nebbed in his email. Turns out that he has been with a man. I confronted him. He swears that the man only gave him a bj....on three separate occasions. Swears he isn't gay, and that he "doesn't know what's wrong with him". Says he has no sexual urges to be with a man, and that he loves me. I just don't understand. Can anyone help me? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I've answered 4 posts like this in the last day! Check them out under EMOTIONAL NEEDS. Geez, what's going on out there? You're not in MIAMI, are you?

For starters, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go checked out for STD and HIV asap and DO NOT HAVE SEX with him until you know you are fine. Actually, ask him to get checked out to. This is serious.

I don't want to freak you out but ... I am a straight guy. I have a lot of gay friends. I have never had any interest in seeing them naked. They've offered to do all sorts of stuff to me and i never did it. Fact is, it is not possible to get a bj without getting excited.

What is your sex life like? If he isn't having sex much with you, he is likely getting it from somewhere. If you are going to ask him if he is gay be sure to tell him that you will not be mad and will not freak out on him. He might be ashamed to admit it or deep in denial.

What sort of fmaily does he come from? Are they some old Italian family or something, and maybe he has repressd his real feelings, etc.

Sadly, I've got some experience on your subject. I know several GAY men who were once married and had children!

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

I dunno, I guess I'd face this like any other infidelity. Make sure you are on track with a marriage building plan but clearly there are issues the two of you need to discuss. Do you feel he would be honest with you on this subject?

dewt

Whiteknight my heart is breaking so bad because I know that now it's really over. I feel so numb, and can't stop crying.

My husband has a sexual problem, and I don't know where it stems from. I've noticed over the last 6 months or so that he has a problem staying aroused with me. To tell you the truth, I've never been able to get really turned on with him, and I never knew why. It always seemed that he didn't quite know how to make love to me, and maybe now I know.

His mom and dad divorced a few years ago after 27 yrs of marriage. Dad was gone a lot, trucker, and mom isn't the nicest person in the world. I think she was mean to him.

He seems drawn to very lowlife situations and people. He needs porn to get excited. I never never never thought he was gay. I've had a lot of experience with gay people, one of my best friends, but I guess just recently I noticed this with my husband.

Do you think it's possible for this to work out? I don't know the person, but I just keep seeing this picture in my head.

You just can't believe the agony I'm in. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dewt, I dunno, I want to believe him when he tells me that he's not gay, and he doesn't have any attraction to men.

You know the one thing I do believe is that he loves me, but I just don't know in what way.

I'm dying here. I have 2 beautiful boys, and my oldest will be devastated. He's 7.

BG:

Wow. That is some really serious stuff. I agree about the health issue. Clearly your H has some serious issues he needs to work through, MORE complex than just infidelity, that will require some serious soul searching and some competant, compassionate counseling. I also know AT LEAST a dozen people, clients, friends, etc, that were married to women, had kids, one gentleman was married for 25 years, and they were all gay, and just took that long to face it.

I know NOTHING about the psychological impact of homosexuality, etc., so my perspective is completely worthless. But it seems interesting that your H had trouble getting aroused with you, and obviously did not have trouble getting aroused with OM. Put the show on the other foot...would you get aroused enough with another woman to let her give you oral sex (which, in all reality, is not even a real comparison, because lesbianism seems to be more "acceptable" by societies standard than two gay men being together)?

I feel for you. Everyone is suffering, you, your children, and even your H.

Only thing I can say is get a counselor, for yourself, fast. And encourage him to do the same.

ChristyV,

Seems to me that for him to endeavor into this area of homosexuality that clearly he has issues. When my son was 3, I found pictures of him and other woman, but pictures were all gross close-ups of anatomy. He said he took them so he would stop having the affair, but that he used them to get excited.

If I didn't have those 2 little boys, I'd kill myself. I've thought about it so many times, but I have those babies, and they need their mom. I wanted just anormal life, and there isn't such a thing. I know this sounds like someone hurting, but I never never want another relationship in my life. I've had too much pain, and I'm only 36.

The person my wife had (and is still seeing) her affair with is a woman. Homo/Bi-sexuality seems to have become a pretty big issue in her mind. Funny that it wasn't there before.

I agree that some serious and seriously compassionate counselling is in order. As for 'it being over' well, don't give up yet. It is entirely possible that his recent issues in bed are not homosexuality related.

Get the counselling. In the meantime, treat this like any other infidelity. And don't lose heart!

dewt

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

I have been exactly where you are right now. In fact, when I was 20, I did try to kill myself, over my WH (who was my boyfriend of 3-years at the time). I was never so ashamed, dismayed, shocked, and dissappointed in myself as I was the lucky morning I woke up in the hospital the morning after I took 3 different bottles of prescription pain killers. The fact that I tried to do this hurt worse than the pain I was feeling inside that prompted me to do it in the first place.

Fast forward 11 years, and I clearly remember hitting this low again. And I know exactly where I was, what I was doing, the thoughts that were going through my mind, and I knew in that moment, I had to get some help...because I vowed I would never consider that as a solution again.

I had found out about my H's affair, had heard all the hurtful things he said, was coming to my own realizations about the marriage, and was sitting at my desk at work one day, when I had that thought creep in my mind, "This hurts so bad, I really wish I was dead instead." It scared the hell out of me, because I just knew I would never say that to myself again. I grabbed my cell phone, called my WH, and told him what I was feeling. I remember crying so hard in the parking lot, that the tears and snot and everyting else was just pouring down my face. My WH was worried, and so was I. And I was mad for being in this situation again, and feeling like he had something to do with it. I cried it out, hung up the phone, pulled myself together, and called the psychiatrist. He prescribed zoloft, and I became able to deal with this better on a daily basis.

I HIGHLY RECOMEND YOU DO THE SAME. And buckle your seatbelt and get ready for a wild ride!

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>

Dewt,

Please, please what other reasons could there be for him to be with a man????

I've always known that he had some serious sexual issues.

One thing about me tho', is that after his first affair, and the nasty graphic pictures, I've never felt quite right making love to him. I've always felt kinda like he wanted me to be a porn star. Move here, do this move, do that. Not the passion I need and want. I've never strayed, but have fantasys all the time about someone really making love to me.

I guess our sex life isn't nothing much, because I just don't have any sexual desire anymore. It's dead.

ChristyV,

Would it really be so wrong if I just didn't try to fight for him this time?

One other thing, all he talks about is how he had so many dreams for us, and he knows he's ruined it. He's begging me to tell him that I love him, and says he'll do anything to make me stay.

He worries endlessly that I'm leaving, and when I visit my Mom's he worries that we're not coming back.

He did say that he'd have an hiv test. He had one the last time he'd had an affair.

I will call my doctor on Monday.

I had to call off on Friday because I was up until 3 in the morning crying about this with him.

Whew boy... this could get sticky...

Please, please what other reasons could there be for him to be with a man????

Curiousity. The thrill of it. Because it's different. Maybe an urge to explore his bisexuality. That he's been secretly gay all these years? That last one, though possible, hardly seems the most likely. I'm as straight as they come, but at one point I went with another guy. It was an experience I wanted to have. Why? First three reasons I listed.

Here's my theory on my wife's newfound sexual urges. Our life together was the pits. Knowing her, she is probably incapable of having an affair with another man. Her affair was her way of throwing a wrench into our lives to break the patterns that were stagnating us. That insight may not be of any help to you.


I've always known that he had some serious sexual issues.

Ok. Issues can be resolved.

One thing about me tho', is that after his first affair, and the nasty graphic pictures, I've never felt quite right making love to him. I've always felt kinda like he wanted me to be a porn star. Move here, do this move, do that.

Confused here... did he suddenly start 'directing'? Or did you just think that's what he wanted? Or did what you used to do suddenly start to feel cheap?

Not the passion I need and want. I've never strayed, but have fantasys all the time about someone really making love to me.

Here's advice I would have liked to give to my wife back then. Not the passion you need or want? No problem. Why don't you act out one of your fantasies? You take the initiative and direct the events of the evening. Take him out, put on the soft music, kiss alot, whatever it is that you need or want, take it. If he is anything like me (and I have no idea) he will appreciate the lesson!

I guess our sex life isn't nothing much, because I just don't have any sexual desire anymore. It's dead.

Sure it is. Look what you've been through. Look where you are. The good news is that is not neccesarily the way you will feel in the future. These feelings can be built. They can be grown. And with, care, patience, love and a good plan, they can be better than they ever were.

dewt

One other thing, all he talks about is how he had so many dreams for us, and he knows he's ruined it. He's begging me to tell him that I love him, and says he'll do anything to make me stay.

He worries endlessly that I'm leaving, and when I visit my Mom's he worries that we're not coming back.

Ok, well now he's sounding a lot like me. You know him. If he is being sincere, you have a great chance of saving this. There will be much work ahead for both of you, but in the end it will be soooooo worth it. I have seen too many success stories on this site not to believe in that.

And as was posted to me when I asked a similar question. No, it wouldn't be wrong. You have done enough. You have been treated unfairly. You could walk away and say "I did my best." After I read that I felt like rod of steel went up my back and I decided that I would clearly have to do better than my best. My family, my sons, my wife, they were (and are) worth it.

dewt

Dewt,

Thank you! I love my husband, even after all he's put me through. I know we have some serious issues, and I don't know if we can save this marriage.

As for your question about how I feel like a porn star, it was only after his first affair that I felt that way.

You'll probably think I'm a putz, but I'd rather be with him, than without him. I'd be so lonely if he was gone. He's not only me best friend, but really my only friend.

He'll be home soon from his 4-12 shift, so I'm gonna sign off for now. I do intend to ask him to setup his on logon on Marriage Builders. Maybe some of you can help him.

BHG:

OK, let's take a breath and chill for a minute. For starters, please do NOT do anything to hurt yourself. We are here for you. I am up late and my computer is always on. If you need to communicate about anything, we are here, I am here. If you are desperate and want to talk, I'll talk to you. Or call Suicide Hotline. Life is very serious, but there is always the future to think about. The future is more important than the past because that is where you are going to spend the rest of your life.

IF you and your H do want to make the effort to try to fix all this, PLEASE get those tests first. This is important. I don't want to accuse your H of being a liar, and you probably don't want to ether, but check out where you are. MB is filled with liars. I cheated on my W for an entire year! If she asked me if i was having an A, my answer would have been NO.

You are young. Don't worry about your age. It means nothing. HENRY MILLER didn't start writing until he was 38 and he was the most influential writer in America.

Right now you need honesty. Real honesty. You need to find out what his issues are with sex. Your not being attracted to him may have contributed to some of his feelings, but, gee whiz, getting 3 blow jobs? I can ALMOST understand getting 1 and saying, "Nah! That's not for me!" But getting 3? Or did he GIVE them? Oh, geez, giving them is a whole other story! That IS gay. I don't want to amke a joke about this, but some guys put peanut butter on their d-cks and let dogs lick it. A tongue is a tongue --- but actually GIVING a bj.

Remember, HE might not now what his problems are, he might not know if he is gay, and none of this means he does not love and respect and care about you. You might be his bet friend. He might be very happy that the two of you can be a family together. But the scales need to be balanced, honey. Your needs and his needs need to be equal.

I am scared that you might have sex before getting tested and here's why. He might want to PROVE to you he is attracted to you, or might want to "mark his turf" and you might be so desperate to believe that he wants you that you might offer yourself willingly. For the sake of your health and mental health, please get tested first. Both of you.

And don't freak out. We'll get to the root of this issue and get you where you want to be in life. You will be OK. Your amongst friends here.

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

Whiteknight,

Supposedly this happened 6 months ago, and when we upgraded to a new version of AOL, he had IM again, and that's why this guy contacted him again. I happened to be in the room when his IM popped up, and that's when I decided to check into things.

So, if he has anything, I've already been exposed, but I will definitely get checked.

What I found was deleted emails back and forth between him and this guy. My H told him not to email unless he emailed first. The guy said okay, and that he couldn't wait to lick my H a** again. It sickens me.

Tell me truthfully as a straight guy Whiteknight, I should just end this now shouldn't I????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He swears that the man only gave him a bj....on three separate occasions. Swears he isn't gay, and that he "doesn't know what's wrong with him". Says he has no sexual urges to be with a man, and that he loves me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IM about other things? So your H has lied to you about these things too. It makes one wonder what else they ave done, huh?

Go tothe emergency clinic tomorrow and see if they can give you a test. HIV clinics are usually open too. Are you in a major city? Don't go with this attitude that you are already infected. Diseases can be very wimpy and some can not survive outside the body for very long, etc. You don't know what you or he have or don't have, but don't take any chances.

Is you H home from work yet? If you send him here he is probably going to get very defensive.

You need some HONESTY. Remember, don't tell him you are his friend and you understand if he is realizes he is attracted to men. It does not make him a bad man, but if he truly loves you, and does not feel like he is attracted to you, that as a friend, if he really cares about you, he should not waste any more of your time because you deserve to be happy too.

How are you set up financially? Can you work and handle two kids? What sort of support system do you have? What would be your game plan IF you left?

Tell me more about what you REALLY know. What e-mails and IM have you read? Does he blame you for any of these things? Have you made him feel like he could not please you or a woman, and maybe he is just getting some quick sex with other men? Or do you think he has a strong EA with another man or men?

I love my husband, even after all he's put me through. I know we have some serious issues, and I don't know if we can save this marriage.

Of course you don't. That is where faith comes in. I'm learning daily how faith is so much stronger than belief. There is every possibility that in time you will feel that you can save this marriage. One of my biggest mistakes (and I'm slowly learning not to make it anymore) is to base big decisions on temporary feelings.

Keep your eye on the big picture. For me, all I have to do is ask myself what is the most important thing in the world for me? Answer: my family. Right now, I'm in so much pain and I feel so abandoned and scared that most of the time I can't shake the feeling that I just deserve sooo much better. But then there's the big picture and I remember that if I can win her back and we can work on this together we can build something so special... and I won't be feeling this way anymore.

As for your question about how I feel like a porn star, it was only after his first affair that I felt that way.

What I was trying to ask was, is it him making you feel that way or is it you because you think it's what he wants?

You'll probably think I'm a putz, but I'd rather be with him, than without him. I'd be so lonely if he was gone. He's not only me best friend, but really my only friend.

Well if that makes you a putz, then move over 'cause it's national putz pride day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He'll be home soon from his 4-12 shift, so I'm gonna sign off for now. I do intend to ask him to setup his on logon on Marriage Builders. Maybe some of you can help him.

Don't pressure. Invite. What you and he will find here is support and advice of all sorts. The Harley principles are effective and valuable tools if you decide to make a go of this.

I for one would welcome him warm warmly. I have (shall we say) some experience with some of the issues he is facing.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I found was deleted emails back and forth between him and this guy. My H told him not to email unless he emailed first. The guy said okay, and that he couldn't wait to lick my H a** again. It sickens me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dewt: you did read that part, right?