</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
MOM - Have you talked to your husband about his need for SF?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, we sort of tried to do it too soon. I was so afraid that I would lose him again if we didn't do it, so we did, even though he was clearly not ready. He coudl not keep his erection up and that really did not do anything for our recovery at the time. The whole weekend was a disaster after that. LBing left and right. That was the weekend he packed his car I believe. He was pretty much convinced that it would never happen again. But again, something like that takes time...We decided after that we would take it slow and I would relax about it. We tried again last weekend and it was successful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he still in withdrawl?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, he is still in withdrawal. I am not sure if it is withdrawal from HER or from the fantasy world he was living. I know he misses being able to do anything he wants at the drop of a hat. You cant do that here with three little boys in the way. He said just today that he misses her still...it hurts to hear that, but he is with ME now and not HER...He has come a long way though. Your husband will too. I just sit back and let him go thru the process. I am there for him if he needs to talk, although I dont like it..He also comes to this board and posts..not often, but he has a thread goin gright now...it's called first day without her and his name is dadto3boys...I have some good threads as well from the beginning that you might want to look for. Got some great advice on them!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you going to marriage counseling?? My husband and I are both seeing individual counselors but not one together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are both counseling with Steve Harley...Tuesday is our next appt and we talk to him once a week. Tuesday we are taking our DS5 to a Psychiatrist and I am goign to talk to her about individual counseling.

We each have "other" issues to deal with as well. His being anger and stress management and mine being anger as well.

I think your husband is doing well...I know it is so hard, especially since he is withdrawing from another woman. he is thinking of another woman, not us and that kills us. I know it is sooo hard. I have my days. sometimes I come on here and I get that 2x4 struck at me and it hurts too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME! Your husband is home isnt' he? That is a good thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Dont focus so much on the SF...it will come...

ARe you on Anti D's?

<small>[ April 18, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

Mom -

I am not on anti-depressants. I am going to ask my counselor tomorrow about it. My husband and I have tried to fulfill the SF need and it has been ok. He does fine but he is just not wanting to do it as much as he would have before the A. I know it will take time to be back where we were.

I will go back and check out your earlier posts. I will also check out your husbands. Did he discover this site himself or did you point him in that direction?? My husband came in today and has been looking around on the board. Don't know if that is good or bad!!

PS my husband is home. He came home the day it came out. He had moved out for two months but he moved right back in DDay. I see your husband did the same.

here you go FL...thought I would help you out a bit...here are a few of my threads, start at teh bottom one first then come up. Got some great advice. Hope it helps you out...

Oh and H being here is a GREAT sign...Just dont push him to post. My H knew I was on here and knew how much it helped me...at the begininning we would sit here together and read the posts and it hleped him...now we do it seperately.

Thread

Thread

thread

Mom -

Thanks I am going to read them now. My husband has been reading these with me all day. He was just reading your husbands.

Thanks for the help!

Oh dear! my husband comes off as very arrogant in his posts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> yes, he is arrogant, but he comes off even more so in his posts. I hope my H's posts dont discourage you H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Mom

Just reading through some of your posts and had some questions
_________________________________________________I have tried so hard to show him my love. I touch him, call him, etc...He doesn't do any of that for me. He just keeps pushing me further away. I am fed up..Yes, I know it is very early in recovery, but how much is a BS supposed toput up with before they lose their love bank deposits. Mine are in the extreme red zone. His heart just isn't here.
________________________________________________
#1 I see that some people were giving you advice on backing off a little. Is that what you did? Obviously you are saying now that your husband is touching you a little so...I think I may be pushing my husband to far. I am trying to touch him and hug him and at first he was receptive but he has backed off a little bit now. He is still kissing me but he is not really there...

#2 How are you sure your husband has no further contact with OW?? I have checked everything and asked him and he says he has not had any contact since DDay. Well I know he called her friend to see if she was ok 3 weeks ago but he has not talked to her (that I can find) Any suggestions on how I can tell for sure??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
#1 I see that some people were giving you advice on backing off a little. Is that what you did? Obviously you are saying now that your husband is touching you a little so...I think I may be pushing my husband to far. I am trying to touch him and hug him and at first he was receptive but he has backed off a little bit now. He is still kissing me but he is not really there...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did I back off? Yes, I did...for two reasons. One, I tried to do everything anyone told me to do here...I realized I was giving TOO MUCH. I was doing all the giving and not getting anything in return...We all have a giver and a taker and I am a giver. BUT, with relationships the more we give and dont recieve our banks start to deplete and that is what was happening with me. My taker stepped in and said "Whoa, this is not fair...I can only give so much before I start resenting it"...and that is what started to happen. I also had a talk with him. After I spoke with Steve Harley...I told him that I just couldn't go on being the giver all the time...I needed SOMETHING from him. Evne if he was faking it. Just give me something. And he did. He started to give me more and eventually he started to feel more. It is all a very slow process, but it is working. Now that he has been giving ME more, my giver is coming back and starting to give him more now. But I am not overdoing it. Before I was going out of my way to touch him, be with him, call him, etc...Now I do it naturally. I hope this is making sense.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">#2 How are you sure your husband has no further contact with OW?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont...My husband works with OW once a week. He does rounds at the nursing home she works at. At first he refused to change HIS schedule and the first time he did the rounds (a few days after the A ended) he crumbled and kissed her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ...after that he realized he CANNOT do that anymore. From then on out he has not seen her. He has gone in on her days off or after she is off of work. He has even invited me to go with him to check up on him. I know he talks to her business form. Steve Harley is coaching him on this and he is getting him thru it. He has come up with a "plan" for anytime he runs into her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any suggestions on how I can tell for sure?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You must be extremely guarded at this point. Do you work outside the home? I dont have any suggestions on this one, as our situation is so different than others. Just keep checking those phone bills and ask him questions. he must be honest with you. My husband was not being honest with me and being very secretive about things. But again, we talked and I explained to him that I need for him to be honest. Now he is trying to tell me everything.

They have lived such a deceitful life for months and now all the sudden they are forced to be open and honest with us. we had always been open and honest before, that is what is so hard tfor me to accept now. I hate the secrets! I just hate them.

Yeah I think I am needing to back off a little. Maybe I will talk to him about it. The problem is that everytime I tell my husband that I need to be given a little bit of affection or whatever (even if he is faking it) he says that it is always about me and what I need. I feel like I have been giving to him since this whole thing started. I obviously am not communicating with him correctly. I will discuss that with my counselor tonight.

Yes I work outside of the home. My problem is that my husband basically works for himself and sets his own hours. He has nowhere to be at a certain time and she lives down the street so I don't know whether he goes there or not. He says he is not and I feel he is being honest. Aside from the fact that OW husband would kill him if he found him there. When the A came out the OW husband took a crow bar to my husband's truck. It was a big mess. I believe he has not had any contact with her. I am guessing that his lack of affection might be that I am pushing him for too much too soon!!

Did you struggle with your emotions being so up and down?? I know that I need to be cheery and positive but I feel on the verge of tears all the time. The last two days have been really bad for me. I just feel like things are not getting better. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />