Thanx WAT,

I like that one too LOL (wayward = the route or path to the + loonie bin)

I have been thinking a lot about the question I posted (how the WS gives themself permission to commit adultery).

I think it comes down to three things:

There may be some of their emotional needs that aren't being met in the marriage.

They are ignorant about how to protect themselves from temptation (which is always going to be there - like the common cold).

Temptation comes along (and it is USUALLY disguised as a 'good' guy or gal, RARELY exposes itself as predatory or sleazy). OK, maybe, rarely, temptation is from an equally ignorant, needy, vulnerable person... low immunity to temptation (and the common cold).

BUT all three factors are things that IMO are things the WS has control and responsibility over.

I am in a marriage where my spouse has been extremely negligent in meeting my emotional needs, yet I am not committing adultery.

I have been presented with temptation, men offering to meet my most important emotional needs, that my husband is neglecting while bendign over backwards to do those very things for OW, yet I am not giving in to those temptations. And yes, most of those men know how to pretend they are 'good guys' and make it all seem innocent and justified, and are pretty convincing at pretending to care about my kids.

Doesn't it really just come down to a person's morals, intellignece, integrity, and strength?

Lately, the he's just a jerk so get on with your life feedback is starting to make more sense than the excuses about his needs not being met at home.

I'm in no way trying to escape my responsibility to meet my husband's needs. I DID try to! HE didn't want me to and put up walls and then ALLOWED the OW to meet those same needs instead of letting me.

The MB logic - which is generally consistent with other "theories" - is based on not meeting emotional needs. We're all hard wired to stray, otherwise, meeting needs wouldn't be important. Marital love is conditional love. There is no such thing as unconditional marital love.

Your "morals, intelligence, integrity, and strength" basis, I believe, certainly determines the resistence potential to succumbing to unmet needs (except in the instances of "exit affairs" in which the WS decides to leave the marriage first and then finds an affair to help make it happen).

So, the degree of unmet needs, in combination with the resistence potential to having them filled elsewhere, is the formula - variable from one potential WS to another - which includes all of us.

JMHO,
WAT

Well WorthATry,

It definitely WAS worth a try! Because I was feeling pretty jaded and feeling like it really was time to just give up and get on with my life.

But you're right, I am married. And the divorce won't be final until September. Whatever weaknesses he has, they are MY husband's weaknesses. So I will stay in Plan B, keep learning, and keep waiting in case he ends his affair and wants to try to save our marriage.

I have an unrelated question. Something that's making me feel pretty hopeless right now is that I suspect he has helped OW move so now I don't know her address or phone # anymore. I wasn't able to do much for exposing the affair because his family lives in another state and prefers to believe him instead of me and I don't know OW's maiden name (she's not married but goes by last name of man who almost married her - father of her child). So I couldn't contact her family to tell them she's sleeping with a married man, on his 2nd marriage, and his 7th affair (just counting ones I know about from this marriage).

I don't think I did enough to expose the affair while in Plan A. And it's too bad because exposing the affair just the little bit I did was enough to cause major problems with WH & OW; afterwards they were broke up more than together. Now I'm afraid they have found a way to return their romance back to the sheltered fantasy stage.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I doubt contacting her family will do any good, but if you choose to try, you might have to hire a PI to find them.

As for telling your H's family, go for it. You have nothing to lose. Depending on your relationship with them, a good way would be to simply send them a copy of your Plan B letter with a cover note explaining what it is.

Please tell me your age and whether you have any children and their ages.

WAT

Hi WorthATry,

I am 49 but I look like I'm in my early 30's at the oldest - am very petite and fit and have always looked WAY younger than my age. My husband is 50 and having a midlife crisis and affair with a 32 year old OW. I haven't seen her myself but she probably doesn't look any younger than me (unless she is also extremely young looking for her age).

We have three daughters: 12, 16 & 18.

I have tried telling some of his relatives what's been going on but they either: don't care, don't believe me, or they care and believe me but 'want to stay out of it' (leaving him with the impression that they either believe him or endorse what he's up to - gee thanx...)

As far as I know only a handful of his relatives even believe (finally) that there even IS an OW. But they think the affair was only for a couple of months and ended last July... They also believe WH's lie that I prevented him from talking to or seeing our daughters (or they don't want to tell my husband they don't really believe him). My 16 year old daughter tried talking to her grandmother to tell her that wasn't true. I heard her tell MIL on the phone "My mother has never tried to stop me from seeing my dad" and "That's not true - sometimes my mom talked us into seeing our dad or made us go (for visitation)". MIL claims she doesn't even know who was on the phone talking to her (even though I heard my daughter tell her who she was) and MIL complained that "somebody" took the phone away from my daughter (she knows it was my husband who took the phone from his daughter because he was talking to her next and I told her he took the phone away because he didn't want daughter to tell his mother the truth).

My husband is just as paranoid about me (or even our daughters) talking to his relatives as he is for me to contact OW or her family/friends. Because his relatives are so ready to believe his lies though (and seemingly so little concerned about him, let alone me and my daughters) I think it would be more effective to expose the affair more to OW's relatives.

I don't believe for a nanosecond that the OW is innocent and just believes my husband's lies. She's had opportunities to talk to me but doesn't want to know any more of the truth.

I think if my WH and the OW feel they can continue their affair without their families knowing what's really going on, they will.

I don't have the money to hire a PI. I did find out who the OW's ex-boyfriend is and left a message with his cousin for him to call me. I felt as he is the father of her child he should be told about my husband's anger/violence problem. I doubt he'd like it that she lets my husband sleep overnight and has let her daughter 'become attached to' (WH's words) a married man who already has daughters of his own.
But he never called me and his phone is disconnected. I did get his address from the phone book. Also, he's a police officer and I wonder if he knows my husband had a restraining order against him? But since he didn't call me back I figure he doesn't want me to bother him?

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

My best advice is stick with Plan B, be honest with your daughters, and DO NOT interfere with their interaction with their father.

Stay on the moral high ground. Be patient. Whenever contact is necessary with regard to your daughters, do so in a Plan A manner. Show your integrity.

WAT

meremortal...I would like to comment on your comment about strength and morality coming into play. I am 42 years old and have also received many compliments from men before the A and never had problems in knowing how to handle it. Be very careful about how sure you are about yourself and temptation. The devil can come against you when you least expect it, when perhaps you don't even see the weakness yourself. A lot of my weaknesses the A exposed and it has been a very very hard lesson.

Never will I say never again. I too used to think that I was too morally stable to ever allow myself to sink to the point that I did. Again, I will never say never, but I will say, By the Grace of God I hope to never find myself in that situation again.

Originally posted by Lisa103: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">meremortal...I would like to comment on your comment about strength and morality coming into play. I am 42 years old and have also received many compliments from men before the A and never had problems in knowing how to handle it. Be very careful about how sure you are about yourself and temptation. The devil can come against you when you least expect it, when perhaps you don't even see the weakness yourself. A lot of my weaknesses the A exposed and it has been a very very hard lesson.

Never will I say never again. I too used to think that I was too morally stable to ever allow myself to sink to the point that I did. Again, I will never say never, but I will say, By the Grace of God I hope to never find myself in that situation again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DIDO! Lisa, you are SO absolutely right and I agree with you 100%. I feel exactly the same way about my inappropriate involvement. I too thought I would never get tempted... Before my EA I was VERY judgmental towards people who gets tempted and involved into affairs, but I have learned it can happen so easily...especially if you're not aware about your own emotional weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I too have learned the hard way. I have learned that affairs can happen to ANYONE, even to strong, intelligent, religious people with high morals and strong conscience. And I have learned that affairs can also happen for other reasons than issues/problems within marriage.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 08:00 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>