Hello all.
I was the BW and had such a difficult time accepting my H was involved with another woman.
I became such a lover to him to help him get over her, yet he was sad and withdrawn much of the time. (He seems his old self again now.)

While IN the affair, he was happy and such a good husband...The truth was well hid!
I did not have a clue!

Now here is the unbelievable part!
We have been married for 36 years, I am 53 years old and an old friend that I had an EA with many many years ago has started to call me.
He is living with a lady, likes her a lot, yet misses me, his faithful friend.
I am soaking up his attention like a sponge!

Yesterday, this man was going by my home to go to a nearby town to visit his 94 year old mother and he picked me up and we went for a 15 min. ride. (Stopped on a country road for about 10 mins.) (I live in the country.)

It is SO EXCITING with him...Yes, it is risky and I seem to think it will be a secret and thus no consequences. I surely do see the similarity to drugs as it sure is a stimulant.
The kisses are passionate and thrilling like when I was 16!!!

However, it certainly gives me more of an understanding why my husband was drawn into an affair. I will say, when I am with the OM that I feel unmarried, like I am JUST ME for the little while we are together and also when I am thinking of him. It is like my H is not taken into consideration...It is all about ME and the OM and our feelings! Total selfishness!
Yep, the unreality world of affairs.

I have been reading this message board since August YET the pull is so powerful to move forward and to meet with the OM again.

SHAME ON ME! I should and do know better but............
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

I'm not sure why you posted this...certainly not for strokes or affirmation. You've been reading here long enough to know you're not going to get that kind of response.

Do you have a specific question?

Lori

Oops. You might be on the verge of an A. It certainly wont help your circumstances.

Sounds like you didn't yet tell your H.

When do you plan to tell him so he can help you with NC? Also so he can help you put your passion into your M instead of outside of it?

Do you want us to pat you on the back? If you really want your marriage to work, having an A yourself is certainly not going to help. So, I guess you'll have to decide what you want out of life?

Surviving a partner's A is certainly one of the most painful things that a relationship can ever endure. Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes and a revenge affair is not going to make it better.

Good luck to you!

Kati

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blessed TIME:
I should and do no better but............</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Freudian slip?

Julie, where is your head? Up your butt?

Stop it!!! Stop it!!! Stop it!!!

Is this a hoax?

WAT

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

At peace, I am probably hoping for some 2 by 4's.
But somehow I don't think they will help!

Of course I didn't tell my H.
That would nip this in the bud and I don't think I want that to happen!

Can't you see I am WANTING a hit of the drug!
I have had just enough intimacy, kisses and touches with the OM to make me want MORE!
(Like an illegal drug for sure!)
Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

WAT, I went back to my first post and edited the 'no' to 'know'.

You say "stop it" but I don't seem to want to and this is not in any way trying to get back at H for his affair.

And here I am another one of those ladies that was a virgin when married, never been with another man, a Christian, have a wonderful family and I am SO SO tempted to go further.

It is like I may never have this chance, these intense feelings again in my life.

Maybe I would rather be sorry for something I did than for something I didn't do.

I don't know, I just know I have been feeling these past couple weeks that I am portraying myself as the BW when I am on the edge of jumping into an affair myself!
Love, Julie

Don't do it. We are all vunerable now.

Lost and hurt, we were posting at the same time.
Read my reply to wat, it is like something inside is driving me towards the OM.
With no thought of consequences!

Yes, you are right, we are all vulnerable.
Whether hurting BS or WS that no longer have the OP to fulfill their need for excitement and friendship.

What a deal! Your few words with the sincere warning made me cry!
Julie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blessed TIME:
<strong> WAT, I went back to my first post and edited the 'no' to 'know'.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, help me understand.

You're willing to correct a typo, but not your behavior?

You DO know better, but you refuse to act better.

I can't help you any more.

Please let me know how to contact your husband, I can help him perhaps. Send an e-mail address I can write to him at to DCScandals@yahoo.com

I dare you.

WAT

Blessed Time,

Well, at least you're posting bluntly and truthfully here. That's something. I think that shows you know you're vulnerable and weak and you're asking for help and strength.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is like I may never have this chance, these intense feelings again in my life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right. You have the right to choose to have that chance, to enjoy those feelings. So leave your H and THEN be with OM. But not while you're M. You should have absolutely NC with this man while you're M. You know it, too.

It's kind of like watching a train wreck happen. You KNOW it's coming and you KNOW it's gonna be bad.

I'm sure you realize that the warm and fuzzy feelings you have right now will disappear at some point. Some how, some way, this will end. And in the end it ALWAYS hurts everyone.

It's like coming off a drug high, I imagine. The crash is horendous, and the "morning after" feelings of self-loathing are very, very real.

But you already "know" all that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You will forever have to carry the shame of throwing away your integrity and character. Even after forgiveness (from God and my H), I still carry it with me...10 years later. My A was after H's A#1, and, like you, I "didn't care" either. I did what felt good at the time. After 6 months of confusion and chaos that always comes with an A, I realized it didn't feel quite so good anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It took a couple of years to understand the full impact of what I'd done. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

This is why I don't really like to come to MB anymore. <sigh>

Lori

Ok, you asked for a 2x4

What a bunch of disgusting drivel this is. You know good and damned well the misery that an affair creates for all involved, you know what leads to it and you know all the crap about deing driven to it and why it seems thrilling is a bunch of crap.

So what the hell are you thinking? Hey, the 100,000 affairs on here that caused misery and devastation might all be different then your case? Maybe you are the one exception?

Wakeup, genius - keeping it a secret is not a solution. If it stays a secret you can look forward to looking in the mirror and telling the person in the mirror she's a selfish, lying, cheating person who is doing wrong when she knows better.

See if she smiles back.

Completely disgusting - most WS's can at least claim they never really saw what the result would be - you know damned well what the result will be and do it anyway?

Shame on you. Had you been a new poster I'd assume you were a troll looking to start trouble.

Disgusting, really and truly worthy of disdain, disgust and contempt.

Time to go puke, have fun.

Your words that you might never have the chance to experience the intense feelings again struck me. I am SURE that is what my H thought when he made the choice to move his EA to a PA. I'm sure that is what he was thinking when he was deciding to leave me and our boys. He even had written on a peace of paper his game plan. Who he would maybe move in with, how he still wanted to be friends with me (Yeh right!), how he would want a good relationship with teenage sons (Another Yeh Right), and how he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore.

Well guess what? At least for the moment he's thanking me for not kicking him out. And oddly enough he discovered he's very attracted to me. He also realizes now he is mourning the loss of his integrity. If he was with OW his name publicly would be mud, and his relationship with the boys and I would not be great. But he would have the [censored] who actively pursued him. Just wonder what it would be like looking at her when all the chemicals of IN-LOVE are out of the body. When the secret life is no longer secret. When the real world comes screaming in and, in your case, you get to look at your OM every day.

You know the reality. Why don't you see if you can get the chemicals flowing with your H? I asked my H why didn't he just come clean when I asked him last summer if he was having an A. Good question don't you think? If you're so darn happy and excited why not dump your H now and follow your bliss? What's holding you back from experiencing your intense "FEELINGS?" Could it be that in your gut you know they are tempory and you think you can go forward without consequences? I don't think so! CV

Of course I didn't tell my H. That would nip this in the bud and I don't think I want that to happen!

Hi Julie.... guess what. You're already in an affair. And your husband is already going to be devastated. Are you really willing to do to him what he did to you? Remember the hurt and devastation, the sleeplessness and the inability to eat? I really think that might not be the wisest thing.

And... in the end, what you're chasing is a hormonal rush that's all kinds of fun and has absolutely nothing supporting it. It's cotton candy laced with anthrax... and it'll kill your marriage.

Can't you see I am WANTING a hit of the drug!
I have had just enough intimacy, kisses and touches with the OM to make me want MORE!
(Like an illegal drug for sure!)

Julie, you're here because you KNOW how dangerous this is, even though it feels good.

Please write a no-contact letter.
Please tell your husband what happened.

You know it's wrong, I KNEW it was wrong and I still was the WS. I know the feeling of that drug, it's like crack or heroin; one hit and you are on well on your way to being hooked...

But all you have had is one hit - leave it as that, tell your H and stop. Don't go any further, don't get yourself in over your head. It's not worth it. Believe me, it's not worth any of it!!!

Your post to "losing focus"


Blessed TIME
Member
Member # 31758

posted March 30, 2004 06:30 AM Hi 'Losing Focus'.
That was a thoughtful message from 'Ark', re-read it and grasp it to your heart!

I went back and deleted the sweet e-mail your hubby had written you.

You asked how I forgave my husband's infidelity.
After several months of crying, not just every day but almost every hour, I decided that I have a CHOICE!

I can be sad and carry this sorrow and keep nagging my H about it, or I can 'forgive' and be free.

I told myself that a person has a lot of capacity to love others (like parents love their children no matter how many they have) and maybe my husband does have love for the OW but that doesn't mean he doesn't still love me.

He is with me, not her.
So I think he loves me best; the OW is just a pleasant memory to him; that someone else in this world besides his wife, thought he was special enough to get 'smitten' with him.

I am just letting it go and being the best wife I can be. (Not forgotten, just put on a back burner in my mind.)

On the 'infidelity diet' I lost 20 lbs. in 3 months....I had been trying to lose that 20 lbs. for years!!!
But it is just hard to swallow food or have any appetite when the affair is revealed and our personal world is in upheaval!

We only have one chance at life, and it is our decision how we want to live it.

I CHOOSE to be happy and to have a forgiving spirit.
After 2 months of crying, I finally made an actual schedule and would try to go an entire hour without crying, then 2, etc.
I wrote it down.
And then came the day, that for 24 hours, I didn't cry.
That was a break-through.

Now, I only cry once or twice a week!
And only in private time with no one around!
Tears are cleansing to the soul, but too much crying keeps us in a depressed mood!
Sincerely, Julie

--------------------
JJ

Please don't tell me you are willing to put your H through the same kind of pain you have just recently known.

Those are your words above. Please give this notion a proper and immediate burial!!!

SD

Hmmmm.

2x4? If you don't have the personal integrity to deal with this the way you know you should, what 2x4 is going to help?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

dewt

You are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and misery. Do not continue to think like you are right now. It is very inappropiate for a woman who has a family and especially with the history that you have. Do not ruin who you are and do not ruin the person that your H saw in you when he married you. If he has made that mistake, do not allow yourself to be the one who finally breaks the M. The OM is there only for the ride. You have been reading here long enough to know how those men think and what they do once they get what they want. He is not thinking of anyone but himself. Why did he contact you to begin with? Why did you accept that invitation?