Back to exposure - when you call her, be prepared to offer any solid evidence you have. Be calm and expect to get frustrated because she will likely NOT believe you at first. If you hit a brick wall of denials, back out calmly, but offer that she can contact you if she changes her mind or notices new things that corroborate your story.

On the other hand, she may be like some other BSs and already suspects something. In this case, she may eagerly want to know all you know.

Bottom line, play it by ear because it's a big unknown. But you're doing the right thing.

WAT

Yes Apache, she is still in the fog.

You are justified in your anger and conflicting feelings about your future together. Only the two of you can decide if you want to try to recover the marriage or not.

Even so, the OM's W deserves to be in the same position and decide about her own marriage based on the truth. Your telling her will give her this option and is the right thing to do.

You need to get home and get into some counseling together to figure out what to do about your marriage. You do not have to stay married but you do need the counseling either way to help you work through this.

Continued prayers, Ladysing

Any updates?

Just got home early yesterday. No real updates yet. My W and I have only talked about the A for a few minutes since I returned. Mostly, she is now feeling guilty (sometimes) and would really like for us to call it a bad "mistake" and try ro move on.

She has answered a few questions (and the answers were very informative), but still says there are some she will not answer. I told her that if she will not answer them because she thinks the answers will cause me hurt/pain - not to worry about that - my imagination has been able to make things painful already and that withholding answers makes it appear she is hiding something. I'd rather have the truth so that my imagination doesn't run wild. And, truthfully - I want to know it all. I don't want to ever wonder about anything. If I know it all, then I don't have to fill in any blanks with my overactive imagination.

She has not sent a NC letter yet either, but swears she has had no contact with OM. She is also quite sure that OM never intends to tell his W - because he told my W this.

I can tell that I am going to have to "pull" my wife thru this as she is trying to avoid causing herself any more pain from seeing the raelity of it. I intend to do it without LBing and also showing her that I am not the uncaring villain she created by altering our history.

We haven't talked about MC (again) yet, but I intend to bring it up again.

More Later - I'm sure.

Apache -

So glad you are back. Try to spend some time doing some fun things. Yes, you will probably have to be the leader in this.

Also be sure to launch the nuke.

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

apache -

Just heard that a Blackhawk helo went down where you are. It made me worried. Hope you are okay. Please reply ASAP.

apache - Any updates?

Apache,
You need to figuratively hammer through your wifes head that your recovery does not start until she answers in truthful manner all of your questions. She thinks she's doing you (the couple) a favor but she is delaying, even jeopordizing recovery.

What questions won't she answer? Do you yhink she's being completely forthright on her other answers.

See my link below. It's to a thread in which I summarize a book that descibes the emotional process that married women go through before, during and after the Affair.

Check the synopsis with the answers your W has given. Note the comments by at least 3 FWW who are actively posting on this site & understand the MB principles for recovering from infidelity. They say it is right on. They are also amazed at the description of the motivations of the OM.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=028052

She also needs to send a NC letter. If for no other reason that it symbolizes her interest in working on the marriage ans that she wants to take the first step to restoring your trust.

I'm a firm believer in telling the OM's W. Your W may fight you on this. If she does point out that she seems to care more about protecting the OM than making things right with you. Tell her that disclosure is a requirement to recovery.

What if she has withdrawal from OM and contacts him? Would you know? Probably not bc she'd go further underground. She'd know the ways you previously collected evidence. You need the OM's W as an ally. She'll be watching from her end.

Don't worry as I did that by telling OM's W, she might leave him and then he'd come for your W. Not likely to happen.

Keep working. Set your boundaries!!

Full disclosure, NC & disclosure to OM's W!!!

cwmac

Believer -
Yes we did have one go down 2 nights ago. We spent all day yesterday looking for it - went down in bad (but legal) weather. The blackhawk was found last night about 8PM. We lost three aviators. We are all praying for their families now. Just goes to show that training for war is no less dangerous than war itself.

cwmac -
I think she is being honest with the questions she does answer (because some of them I already know the answer to from my investigation).

She will not answer any questions like "when did the A become a PA?" These types of questions were aimed at helping me get an idea as to how the A developed and what she was thinking as it was developing. She says she doesn't want to answer questions about sex or the physical part of the A basically.

She did open up a bit and tell me other things I hadn't asked yet - feeling and emotions type things about OM that I thought would be difficult for her to answer.

I bought a copy of "NOT just friends" and read it while I was gone. I left it out on a table at home. She has been reading it and I can see a change in her. It is obvious to me that she is now realizing the consequences of her actions. Just the other day I found her lying in bed with the book crying and saying that she "is ruined" and has made everything "a mess".

I now see glimpses of the W I once knew, but think she is still trying to avoid dealing with the pain associated with the A. We are slowly working thru it and have comitted to continue to talk and work on us.

I have set the boundries and cannot seem to get the OMW on the phone - yet. I'd rather not get into a confrontation with the OM if possible. I'd rather just let OMW know. Next plan is to send her a letter. I'm not telling my W about contacting OMW.

Hope to get NC letter soon and full disclosure as well.

I'll keep updating.

Apache -

So glad to hear from you. I was stressed out about the crash. Try to hang in there with your WW. But also you need to let OM's wife know what is going on.