HINY oh boy looks like you got sucked in again. If you want to see if Plan B is working look at our support thread, there's some new info there that my W emailed me. So look and see what I did to take care of my situation. I'm not saying that we're going right into recovery or anything but I think it's progress, at least my W emailed me so at least she's thinking about me. I'll post more later on your situation.

HINY hon..been there, done that and bought the t-shirt so to speak..I know exactly where you are coming from..when I returned from my vacation WS wanted to pick me up at the airport...I went to his place...why wouldn't I..he told me we were getting back together...and I did the nasty too..why wouldn't I...we want so bad to believe they are telling us the truth..asked me to spend the night just before Valentine's Day...did so and on Valentine's Day had a beautiful flower arrangement for me at his place...next day I take grandchildren to his place for a visit and find evidence he has spent the night with OW..so hon...the moral of my story is this...never again will I have relations with my husband until I am sure (which may be never) he is free and clear of all other varmits..never will I get sucked into believing anything until his actions speak volumes..I know how you feel now..so hurt..these WS reel you in and then spit you out when it suits them...and the phone situation..I will never call him because I learned my lesson of how painful it was when I tried to call him after he left... he would never answer or have it turned off when he was with OW...so now I turn him off...hon you need to stop letting him cause you more pain than necessary...it will take you a few days to get back to where you were before..I know.. but you can do this ..and this is proof why Plan B works...no contact..no pain for you hon

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Hey guys,

Thanks for the support. It never fails for you to come and support me.

If it makes you feel any better WH has talked some and when we were plan Bing he said he thought of me everyday. Everyday something would happen to make him think of me. He was watching a Yankee game and he thought of me. He was listening to the radio and he would think of me. He even thought of me in the darn hardware store where we used to shop and he had OW with him. So don't give up either.

I know for a fact they think about us. I also know Plan B was best for me. I did get sucked in, and spit out. I am out and I am staying out now. Dark, I will be darkwoman. He coming tom to put slide on for son. I am going to give him PBL once again, tell him this is the only way for me. Glad I kept a copy. Stay dark, stay cool, stay dry.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


HINY

H,

Good. Glad you are giving him the PBL tomorrow. Just be really, really careful and don't let yourself get sucked in to an emotional exchange that will involve tears, anger, frustration, etc.

Remember you want to leave him recalling your last moment together with fondness, regret and longing.

Good luck!

ISGirl

I am a little nervous about the PBL. He called tonight and wanted to know about the chimney man and what he had to say. I told him and he said that he was going to come and clean it out Sun. and put DS slide up at the same time. The thing is I am going to have to leave on Sun. He is coming to get DS tomorrow. I will give him the PBL then and I will have to leave when he comes to do all that work. It is depressing to me because I feel like these might be our last times together forever and I should savor them. My 3 1/2 YO DS asked tonight when his dad was coming back to live with us. It is just heart breaking anymore. I know dark is best though.


HINY

{{{{HINY}}}}

i know your heart is breaking. I understand what you are feeling.

But please understand that your emotions are attempting to rule you right now, and they cannot be allowed to do that. Instead, logic, cool, calm logic and knowledge and acceptance of the concepts and philosophies that will save your marriage must be kept in the forefront.

Do not think of this as the last time you will see your H. Accept that what you are about to do is to protect BOTH OF YOU from hurting each other while your H is under the influences of this affair and this addiction.

OK, let's look at it this way. Assume your H had suddently developed a drug habit. OMG! You study and do research, and you finally come to the understanding that you must sign him in to rehab to save his life. He, meanwhile is playing on your emotions: "Let me stay home; you can help me; you can take care of me; we can overcome this problem. Don't do this to me/us."

H, what do you do? Do you let your emotions control your reaction or do you take the high ground and do what you must to save your H's life?

You are in the same position right now. You - you, HINY - are the only one with a shred of practicality in your being. Your H is in the fog and is addicted. You are the only one who can make the game plan work.

Go for it. Be strong. We will be here for you.

ISGirl

I have had an awakening over night. I didn't sleep much, which is okay really. I thought a lot about everything that has happened. First I had to let all those hormones and those feelings settle from our SF day. After that I was happy because I felt like I had won, then I was mad because I realized I didn't win crap I just lowered myself to her level. Now it is three days later, I have been a complete and utter idiot. I really and honestly thought I felt all this stuff for him the other day because I was in shock in the fact that he actually did that.

A few days have gone by, I have gone through the whole thing in my mind a thousand times. Everything from the kissing to the message he left saying not to show up down there at her house. It has all come together now in my head. This isn't the man that I want. I thought he was really in it the other day, but I was lonely and I needed to feel loved so I took what I could get and I made it into something that it wasn't in my mind. I found love in something that there really wasn't any love in. It was a self less act on both of our parts. Him because he is either comparing, or getting what he can get when he can get it. Me because I wanted to win.

I have realized now that everything has settled and the dust is cleared that I really almost have no feelings for him other than he is my son's father. The saddest thing in the world to me is that my DS has lost his father. I lost my handy man, and my protector, and my financial support, I stand to lose my home, and my security in life, and quite frankly that is all I stand to lose. It isn't all about winning and I have realized that now. He has depression and he never really treated any of us with respect or caring. He is self centered and life was always about him and it still is. I am just feeding his fat head and the fire right now with all of this crap I am doing. The problem is now I don't want him at all. Not one little tiny shred. I am all done now. I have realized that after 10 years he isn't what I was looking for in a partner and I honestly don't think he can ever be what I am looking for. As I think back on the other day, now that the hormones aren't there anymore it really wasn't anything fantastic, there were no butterflies, no sparks there was nothing at all. Obviously he felt the same way, so I say it is safe to say our marriage is over. As the BS I have not been fair to him or my kids by thinking that we could actually have a life again. I just felt bad that my daughter has been through two broken homes and my son is losing his dad full time. I appreciate everyones support as I flip flopped through this terrible time in my life. I am just going to Plan B and file for divorce now, so I can actually be happy for once in my life in a really long time.


HINY

HINY,

OK, so the roller coaster has now taken you to the bottom. We have all been there. You are angry right now, angry at yourself for the SF, and in looking back you can easily rationalize that it wasn't anything that special. Hmmmm. Are you possibly trying to convince yourself so you don't feel longing for more of that - for more of your husband? Anyway, chances are it wouldn't be anything with a grand spark anyhow. Look at what you have been through. In order to feel that spark again, you both would have to be doing some might big work at meeting each other's needs so you can fall in love again.

A agree you should go to Plan B. But filing for divorce? Why not just go to PB and see if you can reach a place of peace for yourself and your children. Make it a strong, contact-proof PB, and you will feel better.

Now is not the time to make a decision about DV. Your emotions are still too raw from everything that has happened to you recently. Let PB do its magic. Give it some time, and if, after a couple of months, you still feel the same, then do it. But do it with a calm mind and heart.

ISGirl,

This is exactly where I am heading. I have put a call into him to come and get his DS when he has the opportunity to pull himself away. When he comes the PBL will be handed on to him. I clearly can no longer take anymore hurt from him or anyone else at this time. Dark was good!

HINY

In my best Darth Vader voice "HINY come over to the darkside" hope you found some humor in that. Hang in there HINY the darker you stay the better it is in Plan B trust me. I did feel a little stressed when I got the email from my W, but ISGirl and a few other people talked me out of calling my W. So hang in there.

Thanks Tinman,

Going to do my best. I hope it works out for you also.

HINY

Hello everyone,

Well I have sort of good news. WH was here. I did not give the PBL as I thought because he is coming here tom to drop son off and I will do it then when I know I don't have to see him again. He called before he came so that he could see what time to pick up DS. I was really in an angry mood and I let him have it about not being around for his DS. He said he told OW he wouldnt be coming around anymore. He is going to take a week vacation some place and get his head on straight and go get some counseling. I know one thing he doesn't want me to get in touch with her. I said is she home and he said yes I just left there and you don't need to talk to her, I already told her today that I wouldn't be coming around anymore until I figure my life out. I said you aren't going to do it without help so go get some. He said I know and I am going to.

Maybe we are going in the right direction here. I am not sure. He is definately on the thinking board now though. I am going to sit back and relax be dark and see what happens from here. I will keep you all posted.

HINY

H,

OK...I am "cautiously optimistic." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sounds good. Now, would you do yourself a favor? Ask if he would be willing to write her a n/c letter. If he asks why, tell him that it reinforces what he told her, and proves to YOU that he is serious (otherwise, between us girls, how are you to know he actually said to her what he told you?).

Hugs and Luck!

ISGirl

Not now. It isn't the time. After his vacation, when he comes home and knows what he wants. If he comes here then I will definately ask him. If he doesn't than I will know it isn't going to happen. In the end I will ask him. He is just screwed up right now and this time he needs to himself. It will be the best thing for him. I will keep you posted. I will go by SAA. POJA, NC the whole thing. ENs questionaire all of it.

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK...I am "cautiously optimistic." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi HINY...I have been following your story like it is a soap opera <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ..much like mine is ...I agree about being cautiously optimistic...last time WS said those things...he would not commit to a N/C letter...why because he wanted to keep his options open just in case...his excuse for not wanting to send it was he did not want to cause her any more pain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...now given with a week away he may get his head on straight and come around...geez why do we have to go through all this crap ...I do hope this turns around for you .. you deserve a medal hon for all the hard work, time and patience...I just wish all the WS's would take off the rose colored glasses and see what great women they have a great risk of losing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

NO

Thanks. And thanks for the support. You need a medal also. I think we all do. I don't know why this happens to us. I think the good lord is testing our strength sometimes. I am running out of patience. Now is the time for me to sit back and relax though. I have done all I can do. He knows how I feel. He asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted my marriage and my husband back. He said okay. And with that we hung up the phone and here we are. I told him I have held his hand for 10 years and I am still holding it. He said I know.

He knows I am here. I am the lighthouse with a big bright light.


Good Luck to you and I will keep posting. I hope we all get off this ride soon.

HINY

I think the major thing I see here is that he knows you have had enough...I have made that plain to my WS as well..I have not heard from him in two days and have not contacted him...so will go either way now...at least your WS is talking to you...I hope and pray that things will turn around for you...I think the one thing that stands out here and needs to be said...you are a great, strong woman...wonderful, caring wife and mother and if he does not get that...he needs a 2 X 4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

NO

Thanks for that. Sometimes we need to hear that stuff about ourselves. I think we forget with all this stress that we are people too. You are also a wonderful and strong woman, I know you love your grandchildren and I am praying for you. About that 2X4 I got one here to use <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

HINY