Alright all, I posted the other day because I was questioning if my husband was still in contact with OW. Just an update, I have been getting blocked/private calls that hang up on me when I answer them so I (possibly being paranoid) think it is her. My husband also works a job that basically allows him to be free during the day. He does HVAC and has his own van so he goes to jobs basically on his own time and accord. So anyway when I posted earlier people recommended that I get the phone recorder to make sure there was no contact. I did get the phone recorder and my WH found it while I was at work. He was so mad he broke the tape in half. He says that he is mad because he had a talk with his best friend about our relationship and he feels like I just took away his best friend too. He does not even have the privacy to speak to his best friend. When we talked about the situation he was not overly angry at me he just frustrated at not being able to talk about his feeling to anyone. I specifically asked him if he had talked to her and he says "No he swears he has not talked to her in 4 weeks" His distance is because he is still unsure of his feeling for me. I question why he really broke up the tape but my gut tells me to give him the benefit of the doubt. However I would feel more comfortable knowing for sure on my own:). I also had the phone company put a trace on our phone because of the hang up calls. However my husband knows about that as well so if it was OW and he is talking to her they will of course stop. My WH firmly believes it is not her calling and hanging up. Anybody have any insight into this situation or what I can do to calm myself over this whole thing??? The phone recorder is obviously not going to work if he knows about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Found the recorder, eh? Ooops. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, on one hand you can apologize for your lack of faith, on the other hand, he should be able to understand why you would doubt him. If he has a history of lying to you, then he can hardly hold the tape recorder thing against you.

As for taking away his best friend, is he talking about OW? You could remind him that in a good marriage, you would be his best friend. If you are doing a good plan A, this should be possible. (although difficult)

Have you invited him to post here? There are folk here who understand what he is going through and he could find support and open ears. Not that he'd want that kind of support, but still, it can't hurt to ask.

If the calls suddenly dry up, then I guess you have your answer. I hope that is not the case.

dewt

faithfull,

He needs to apologize to you for putting you in this position where you felt you had to spy on him. If he could be trusted, you wouldn't have had to do this. Remember, no one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

He had an affair and you would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. So explain to him that you had to take this step to protect yourself from him because he is untrustworthy.

You are not the one who has done something wrong here, faithfull, so don't let him spin it against you.

I would start looking for new ways to check up on him, such as voice activated recorder in his van, cell phone bills, etc.

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

If I remember correctly, didnt' he give you permission to get the recorder? If so, then why is he so mad.

Hi FFA.
This is just a 'simple' little spy test.

If your husband uses the same computer as you, and if HISTORY is ALWAYS erased, that is reason for suspicion. (Just hold down the Ctrl key and H at the same time to check.)

And ALWAYS go to your compose page after H has used the computer, click your pointer where you would write and then right click on 'paste'.

Sometimes they 'copy' and 'paste' part of their e-mail to the OP and then forget to erase it.
Sincerely, Julie

P.S. And re-dialing phone, after he has been alone in the house, is also a good idea.
That is how Prince Charles was caught by Di or was it Di caught by Charles. I forget, as they were BOTH playing around!

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Thank you for all of your suggestions. Yes mom he did give me permission to get one but I think he thought I would tell him about it. He says I am not being trustworthy and up front with him. Well it would not work if I was huh?? I have checked his computer and the history is fine. I am really worried about the fact that he broke up the tape. I mean if he was only talking to his best friend then why could I have not listened to the tape and just skipped his conversation with his friend?? That seems logical to me:)

I feel in my gut that something is not right but I alwso what to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think mom said something about keeping your paranoia under control. Well I feel like mine might be getting away from me. Maybe I am just stressing because he is still distant. I know that it takes time for them to come back so maybe I am too paranoid.

faithfull,
Let's be logical here about what it means to be trustworthy. Having and affair and lying about it are untrustworthy behaviors. Catching a person doing those things is NOT untrustworthy behavior.

See, you are not the untrustworthy person here. It is he who is untrustworthy.

You don't give an untrustworthy person the benefit of the doubt. That is insane. He has to reprove himself before you should ever trust him again.

You don't sound paranoid to me at all. You have a responsibility to protect yourself by checking out ALL suspicions. That is not paranoid, that is WISE.

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Oh My..this makes me laugh..HE is telling YOU that YOU are being untrustworthy. Hang on, let me pull myself off the floor here! UGH! THESE men! What is it with them.

Well, faithful..let me tell you...my paranoia was right on target. I did catch my H...If you would liek to read it go to my newest thread called. OW call H to give new phone number. We will have a long talk tonight after he reads my letter! usualy our guts feelings are correct and right now our H's ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN THEIR WORDS...just remember that.

NOw, I want you to calm down and let it ride out for a while. just try to stay in Plan A...I know easier said than done. BELIEVE me I know. is there anyway you can go out today alone. To think? I am stuck here alone. My H is out of the house all day. But when he gets home, I am going to go out alone. To the mall and run some errands. Let him read my letter and think about it.

They need to be honest...BUT WE need to make this a safe place for them to come home to.

Mom - I am sorry to hear that. It is always an up and down struggle you know. I have my doubts about my husband to but I so want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I went out alone this morning but I try not to think about it. I love my husband so much and just want to stay focused on Plan A. You stated that your husband was starting to have more and more feelings for you. I know my husband is not there yet and that is what scares the crap out of me:). He is distant at times and then I get the phone calls. I so want to give him my trust that it kills me:)

Mom-I am going to go check out your post right now.

My husband just read this post and he says that it is a crock of **** that everyone hear does not think it is lying when I don't tell him about the phone recorder. I lied to him and told him I was just on my way home when I was at the police station getting a trace put on the phone. All of that is lying and he can't believe people would support that.

How do I deal?

faithfull, why are you showing him this thread? We are trying to help you and you are completely undermining your efforts and wasting our time. It is a waste of time to discuss strategy with you if you expose that strategy to your H. What is the point?

How in the world will that help you ensure this affair is over if you show your WS our discussions on strategy? You are undermining your efforts to end the affair and protect yourself from someone who is untrustworthy. Did you expect your WS to give you an award for snooping on him and possibly catching him red handed? Of course he is not happy that you would consider checking up on him.

Showing him this thread with discussions about your suspicions is only helping him hide his affair better and preventing you from ensuring it is ended.

Protecting yourself from someone who is bent on destroying you behind your back is not "lying." Is the FBI "lying" when they spy on drug dealers? Of course not. Your H does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back and you have to take steps to protect yourself FROM HIM since he has proven untrustworthy. You have no reason to trust him at this point.

You need to save the radical honesty until he can be trusted and you know the affair is over. You don't put down your shield when there is enemy fire on the field, lest you are guaranteed to get shot.

Ok well that is real nice. I am not trying to waste anyones time or give away my strategy. We use the same computer and I don't try to sneak around behind his back by deleting my history.. Just because he did it to me does not make it right for me to do it back. Anyone can come on this website and read. He does it all the time. I can't stop him.

I appreciate everyones help but I am not going to hide everything from my husband. There are husbands and wives who both basically post here. What do you do then?? example momto3 and dadto3.

faithfull, how is it "doing to him" what he did to you? That is not rational. Catching someone cheating and lying to you is not "doing to him." Is the FBI guilty for catching drug dealers?

Your H is sneaking around having an affair, when you show him your strategy you only make it possible for him to continue that undetected..Is that what you want?

See, if your H is continuing the affair, you are only HELPING him destroy YOU by showing him your protective measures. You are contributing to your own demise.

I just don't see that we can of any help to you if you are going to expose your strategy to him and help him continue in his affair.

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong>

I appreciate everyones help but I am not going to hide everything from my husband. There are husbands and wives who both basically post here. What do you do then?? example momto3 and dadto3. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">faithful, he has ended his affair and agreed to counseling and opening up his life to her. It is an entirely different situation. They are in RECOVERY, you are NOT.

Faithful...calm down. We are trying to help you here. If I have a post, such as teh one I have going on now about my situation, i will either delete any content I do not want my H to read or ask him kindly not to read it JUST YET. Once we have resolved our problem then it is fine for him to read my posts. But if I am working on a strategy to make things better, then NO I do not let him read it. I do agree with you, I like to be honest with my H too. But my H and yours and any other WS has proven that they CANNOT be trusted and in order to gain that trust back you must sneak. Period. I snoop in my H car all the time. In his breifcase, I check his cell phone bill. I had actualy stopped doing that...but since his actions yesterday, I just so happend to log on and BINGO! Big red flags went up.

Look at it this way. If your H had ANYTHING to hide then he would not be so defensive. And this is in part why I DO believe my H about HER persuing HIM. He was not at all defensive this morning. I WAS though. I dont think my H will be hiding anything from me anymore...I dont know thouogh, we will ahve to see how tonight goes.

Fatihful...sometimes we will tell you things that hurt you! Melody is very good and believe me she has taken her 2x4 to me a few times and hurt me. But I got over it. These people know what they are talking about. Take their advice and dont walk with it RUN with it. Use it to your BEST advantage. I took EVERYTHING they told me, whether I agreed with it or not and used it. Look where I am today....OK< today is not a good example <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Look at us two days ago! We are doing great!

Calm down and take a deep breath now. We are only here to help you. And dont show this thread to your H again. Kindly ask him not to read it until you have resolved the situation. He will be much more adaptable to discuss the issues.

How do you know we are not in recovery? I have doubts just like mom and I am assuming I am not the only one who has paranoia at times. My husband and I are both in counseling and he has committed to working on our marriage. He has stated that he has no contact with her, I wonder but that does not mean that it is any different then anyone else.

I guess if I am to understand everyone's advice, I am supposed to keep everything a secret from my husband huh??

faithfull, I am just going by what you told me. You asked for advice and I gave it. You can certainly ignore it and do it your way. I have told you what I think and can't do anything more. I wish you the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong>

I guess if I am to understand everyone's advice, I am supposed to keep everything a secret from my husband huh?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are...at least things about this. Not everything! Think back to all the secrets he kept from you! If you are in Recovery, then he WOULD NOT be so defensive about the things you are doing!

Faithful...you have to calm down here! I know you are angry right now! Your H is hiding something from you...whether you want to believe that or not. We are not in your shoes. We dont know your husband...we are only going by what you have told us here. And to me it sounds like he is hiding things. Put a tap on the phone. I am going to do it to my H cell phone next week...and NO he will not know about it. I might tell him..I dont know, I haven't decided. But if he has anything to hide, then he should care, right! Same thing in your case.

about that recorder now..IF your H was talking to his best friend...then you simply DO NOT listne to his conversation! Period. You are trying to catch him speaking to OW. You can reaapproach him with this. And check taht caller ID. Have a seperate phone somewhere in the house wehre he cannot erase the incoming calls. got it!

Ok I do not feel angry right now at all. Melody I respect your opinion and I appreciate the advice but it is fine if you don't want to give it anymore. I had the phone tapped and he found it. I have taken the advice.

Mom - doesn't your husband read this website? How are you going to keep your phone tap a secret if he reads this?? I believe my husband might be hiding something and you know what he did lie to me. I try to keep these things a secret but if he asks me a question I am not going to point blank lie to him. It feels like a secret life to me.

mom - how are you putting a tap on the cell phone?? I did not know you could do that. I also never thought about putting a caller id phone in another area of the house. Good point.