Just stand your ground, hurt, you are doing fine. He is in the wrong and he knows it. You did nothing wrong in contacting the OWH. It was your H that dragged all this into your lives, not you. I suspect your H is pitching a fit because you are making his affair harder and he is angry.

Please don't ask him again to stay. I bet he doesn't really want to go. You are standing up just fine under fire, hurt.

What about his father talking to him? Do you think this is a good idea? His father was waiting until H moved out to talk with him because FIL is afraid he will just take it out on me. I really don't care if H yells and screams at me. He can't say anything more hurtful than he already has at some point in the last week. But, is this going to put a bigger drift in the road?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> Melody,
About the OWH...I am not sure what type of person he is. I have this feeling he is playing games with me as well, but am just not sure. That is why I thought it best if I didn't talk to him anymore right now.
However...the best line I've heard from WS is about the OWH..."You have invited an abusive monster into our family. If he hurts our kids I will kill him." One...OWH has never seen our kids, unlike OW who has had lunch with them several times. Two...I didn't sign the invitation, H did when he started this A with OW.
Great one HUH! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I can tell you what kind of person he is, he is a VICTIM. He is a victim of your H and his GF who is trying to save his marriage. And I am sure that the lying OW made him out to be satan incarnate to justify having an affair. They all lie about their spouses. Don't let them get away with it and don't buy it for a minute, hurt! They are lying! This man is a VICTIM and you can help each other.

The real monster here is not him!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> What about his father talking to him? Do you think this is a good idea? His father was waiting until H moved out to talk with him because FIL is afraid he will just take it out on me. I really don't care if H yells and screams at me. He can't say anything more hurtful than he already has at some point in the last week. But, is this going to put a bigger drift in the road? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will put a bigger drift in the AFFAIR! I would strongly encourage him to talk to his son. It will put pressure on him to explain his sleazy behavior. Sounds like you have a wonderful FIL!

I do have a wonderful FIL...two of them actually. My H's parents divorced when he was 13 and it pretty much crushed my H and his brother. Gee...did you learn anything here. Both his parents remarried. H's father has changed a lot over the years. He is a very Christian man and loves his grandchildren to pieces. H's stepfather is also very upset with H, but doesn't want to cause a problem with wife. Who is the coddling mother of H. Both FIL have told me from the beginning that I will always be their daughter. In fact, H's dad says he will not have anything to do with H if he follows through with this whole thing. It doesn't help H that OW is a smoker, drinker, and swears like a sailor. FIL stated his grandchildren will NOT be in that type of environment if he can help it.

Well, I did chat with OW's H again today. After I said I would not, but I'm not the one having A. My H looked up movie theaters on the computer and OW says she will be late coming home because she has to stop at the store. HAH! I wonder which movie they are seeing tonight. I am tempted to text message H and ask him which movie they are seeing. This is getting rediculous. FIL did not get a chance to talk with H. He says it will happen sometime this week. Whatever. He hasn't left yet. Maybe that is because OW still lives in her H's house. Any suggestions. I don't know that I am capable of Not LBing here.

Okay, I am going to lose my mind. I just found a note my H left for me today. It tells how I have done nothing to deserve the hurt he is putting me through and what a good person I am. BLAH....BLAH....BLAH....
If this is so true, then why won't he let me forgive him and fix our marriage? He still says that he is leaving just needs to find someplace. My man needs serious counseling for himself. As I listen to the things he writes or texts...since we don't really talk right now...he really does not like himself for what he has become, but I don't know how to help him. Any suggestions?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is so true, then why won't he let me forgive him and fix our marriage? He still says that he is leaving just needs to find someplace. My man needs serious counseling for himself. As I listen to the things he writes or texts...since we don't really talk right now...he really does not like himself for what he has become, but I don't know how to help him. Any suggestions?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow. Does this bring back memories. "I just need to get away." "I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk to you." "I need space." "I don't want to fix this." He actually told the kids, when he finally left, that he was going on a 'quest.' Yeah.

You're very much where most BS are in the beginning. Total focus on THEM. Most of the focus on HIM. What he needs. What he feels. (I also would be careful of OWsH... OWH in my case played me a couple of times.) What is she doing? How is she influencing him?

Things changed for me when I took the focus OFF my H and his OW and put it on ME. I read books (dozens!). I went to individual counseling. (We tried MC... the MC practically pushed him out of the house and the marriage... she MADE him tell her WHY he was in MC when he wanted to end the marriage... so he said fine... no more MC.) But, individual counseling was so much more beneficial. I learned to deal better. I was able to 'disconnect' from my unhealthy behaviors I used w/ H and it gave me a place to vent. I was able to detach from my neediness, and still be a loving friend to H.

My H didn't like himself either. He was like a wounded bear most of the time. I'm not sure why I wanted him around, in fact... 'cause he was CRANKY.

In a nutshell... and NO ONE can decide BUT YOU what is right for you... but, I would...

Focus on you. Start detaching w/ love from him. Let him figure out his head. Be his friend. Look @ what brought you together in your early days...

nothing will change until you develop healthy boundaries... and that will take YOU focusing on YOU.

Eventually, I impressed upon my H that I wanted to remain married... but he couldn't be married and have a girlfriend... it took me almost a year to get to that boundary... but, by then we were both ready.

Cali

My H just texted to ask if I had talked to OW's H today because H's boss just got called to OWH's work place. Well, I didn't necessarily lie....I just said "I said I wouldn't talk to him didn't I?" My H does not want me talking to this man. He is afraid he'll hurt me or our boys. Well, our boys have never been around this man unlike OW! I texted back that She is the one hurting me and our boys! Is that an LB? I think so. I didn't get a very good response back....something about if I want to be a beaten woman go ahead but I better not let our kids get hurt. WHATEVER!!!!

"I better not let our kids get hurt."

My H used this too. I remember looking @ him oddly and saying... "now why would OWsH go after ME or our children? I think OW is playing you 'cause that just doesn't make SENSE. Now, I would believe he'd go after you... and you pretty much deserve it. After all, I'd like to draw and quarter OW and drag what's left of her through the streets. But I harbor no ill will towards her kids or her H."

Secondly... I couldn't lie to my H... and that served me well... 'cause missy OW lied ALL OVER THE PLACE and it drove her NUTS that he believed ME and TRUSTED me... but we had a foundation of not lying to each other... which is also what helped us to build back up the trust... I know that he has ONLY lied to me about OW... and that was for a short period of time... once I figured it out... we told each other the truth.

Cali

Hi Hurt,

I agree with Melody and the rest. Discussing this with OWH is not causing a problem, other than it interferes with your H and OW's secrets. They can't plan meetings and have their secret fantasy if you two are sharing info.

I wouldn't agree to not ever talk to the OWH again. And if your H asks, I'd admit it.

I would think if the OWH fantasizes about beating anybody up in this situation, it would be your H. And I tend to believe your H already knows that. I think he's trying to manipulate the situation by saying he fears for you and your childrens safety to keep you away from OWH, hence enabling himself (your H) and the OW to continue in secrecy.

What a scam he's engineered.

Jo

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Listen to Melody Lane.

This whole situation started because your H had an affair. I'm all for natural consequences...and other people finding out, including involved spouses, parents is a natural consequence.

Actions speak louder than words. If his intentions are good, he would be sorry for his actions, not that he was found out.

Scam...No you haven't heard the best part. My H is a police officer and his buddies drive by the work place of OWH very often. That is the scam. The OW is using my H's badge to get what she wants out of her H. She filed for divorce several months ago. My H doesn't seem to want to do this and I refuse to. I don't want my marriage to end and I am not going to be the one who does that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
Scam...No you haven't heard the best part. My H is a police officer and his buddies drive by the work place of OWH very often. That is the scam. The OW is using my H's badge to get what she wants out of her H. She filed for divorce several months ago. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you saying that these law enforcement officers, colleagues of your H's, are driving by OWH workplace to imtimidate him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />


Hurt, if your H didn't want to participate in any of this, he'd end it. He is addicted, he may know it's bad for him but like any addiction, he can't or won't control himself. It has to run it's course.

But there are things you can do. Plan A is one, and not enabling or helping to keep the affair a secret is another.

Jo

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I have told everyone I know to tell. Their affair is no longer a secret. My H has been the most trusting person ever. He was raised going to church and was very good to me. For about the last year he has been getting more and more distant. I really feel like right now, he knows what he has done is wrong, he is sorry for it, but cannot forgive himself. It is like he is eating away at his insides. I talked to FIL today and he is going to talk to H tomorrow. I asked him not to yell or come down hard on him. I don't think he needs anyone else telling him how wrong he is right now. I asked him to try to get H to talk to someone. Open up so this doesn't totally eat away at him. Right now I can't even talk to H. He is very distant. Although he did say last night that he doesn't want to leave, but that he can't guarantee anything will work out with us. That is fine, but the tone he uses there is no point in trying. He doesnt' even seem like he wants to try. I guess I am venting a little today.