FinallyLearning: It seems you have many questions on how to disclose information to your H. I understand it is very difficult, but you need to gradually open up and tell him everything. He is in more pain that you can imagine. For us, men it is difficult to express that pain to our spouses and when we love them, the last thing we want to do is to do or say anything that would hurt them. What you have to tell him may hurt him, but as many have said here and everywhere, until you show honesty he is not going to trust what you say. I think one basic difference between men and women is that while women like to hear things, men are more visual and want to see action.
You probably know by now that the OM is not what you thought he was and for him it was easier to deal with what you had to tell him because it was only a small fraction of what your husband probably has to deal with. That OM did not have to provide for you, he was not obligated to protect you or to see for your well-being. He was only there to find what you could give him. Are you ready to act as a wife and be honest with your husband?

FL,

I agree with Drucilla and kam FOR SURE. Let your H know what ENs the OM filled and fill in whatever specifics your H asks for. I would go so far as to tell him what you're doing - "Honey, I don't ever want to hide anything from you. I will gladly tell you what kinds of things the OM did that I found so attractive, so you know how I tick and how I work. I hesitate to tell you some things I consider irrelevant - like a specific place we ate -- because I don't know how that could help our M and I think it would only upset you whenever we go past that restaurant. But you are the best judge of what you need to know, not me. If you want specifics, I will be happy to share them with you, all you need to do is ask. Keep asking until you are satisfied, and I will keep answering honestly and truthfully."

Like, let your H know that you and OM shared new kinds of music, and if your H asks *what* music, then tell him. See, my H sent OW some CD's. Well, I wish I only knew that he sent "some CD's" and then I could feel happy about bringing new cool music to him to hear. But I know *exactly* which CDs and now a couple of my favorite groups are forever ruined.

I also get triggered when I see a certain plant due to sexual jokes they made in their emails in reference to the plant. That in NO WAY helps my recovery, it just triggers me whenever I see the plant. Better I should just know that my H likes innuendo and that I be more flirty with him.

Tell your H that you shared music, that OM made you feel safe, that you shared lots of conversation in which he listened attentively to you, that you tried new foods....

Then if your H asks *which* music, *how* he made you feel safe, *which* foods, of course be honest with him.

There's a way to tell the important stuff (ENs) without twisting the knife, if you know what I mean. But no matter what, if your H presses for more info, do tell him whatever he asks for.

Maybe this will help more in trying to determine what sort of info to offer:

"I hesitate to tell you some things I consider irrelevant - like a specific place we ate -- because I don't know how that could help our M and I think it would only upset you whenever we go past that restaurant."

And:

"Like, let your H know that you and OM shared new kinds of music, and if your H asks *what* music, then tell him. See, my H sent OW some CD's. Well, I wish I only knew that he sent "some CD's" and then I could feel happy about bringing new cool music to him to hear. But I know *exactly* which CDs and now a couple of my favorite groups are forever ruined."

OK this is probably very good advice for some but for me I would just worry about EVERY restaurant and song if my WS didn't tell me specifically which ones. And wondering where the adulterers went and what songs were special to them would be something a lot of us BS's would think about even if the WS never brought up the topics of restaurants or music. So by not giving specific info, by not narrowing it down to just SOME restaurants and songs, the WS could be actually making recovery more painful and lengthy for the BS. They might be needlessy triggered by a whole lot of restaurants and songs that they wouldn't have to worry about if they knew the truth.

So I TOTALLY agree with this advice:

"But you are the best judge of what you need to know, not me. If you want specifics, I will be happy to share them with you, all you need to do is ask. Keep asking until you are satisfied, and I will keep answering honestly and truthfully."

Now this is clearly an example of some info that created a trigger that normally wouldn't have been there:

"I also get triggered when I see a certain plant due to sexual jokes they made in their emails in reference to the plant. That in NO WAY helps my recovery, it just triggers me whenever I see the plant."

I have never worried about any plants sharing some sort of significance for my WH and OW (but now I might start LOL) So I wouldn't have been worrying WHICH plants meant something to them... Finding out a specific plant was special to them would be creating a trigger rather than eliminating ALL plants as potential triggers.

Don't the MB principles state that one of the steps for recovery is to allow the BS to determine how much and what type of info they need to know? While the above poster preferred not to know which specific restaurants and music were shared with the OP, for a BS like me, not being able to narrow down and eliminate some triggers causes me more worry, hurt, and anger.

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

thanks again to everyone. i have printed josephs letter to share with husband. i will be an open book while allowing him to take the lead as much as possible.

i know my motives are right. i just have to trust in God that everything will work out.

roman, i will definitely take your advice and say a prayer before this conversation.

I suggest asking your husband what he wants to know. Tell him the basic details and let him drive the conversation. If he wants to know everything, tell him everything. Make sure he understands that his reaction will make it more or less difficult for you to tell the truth. But let him have the option of knowing. From this site and talking to people at BAN meetings with other BSs I have found that different people have different needs to know. Some want all the details and others just want to know that they were betrayed and then move on. Let your husband have enough information to make an informed decision.

I was writing a note to H to put with article. Unfortunately i was called out of room when i was writing it and he saw an unfinshed version and the article. he did not know i mostly wanted him to read joseph's letter and why (as i had not yet finished writing my note), he read first 2 paragraphs of the article and stopped. later he told me he is not interested in reading anything by any therapists, that he was very much done with hearing anything they have to say. i told him it was the note written by a H that i wanted him to read. he said he might tommorow.

we did end up talking, it went ok, i think. it is hard to tell with him, he mostly listens and does not respond, that is just how he is. it will take a couple of days now before i might get a feeling to how it all impacted him. afterwards i helped him get to sleep, i would think that is a good sign, although i'm not 100% sure.

thanks again to those that posted to me yesterday.