Whitefeather - two things. I do not know who she is and what she looks like. Tempting though it might be, I haven't yet plucked up the courage to spy. She's been to our house but not when I was here (yes, they shagged in my bed but I needed new sheets anyway!) I've spoken to her on the phone. She's the one from who I discovered the affair and all the little details. She's a mum too - got a 12 yr old son. That's why I can't believe she has tried to talk to my daughters. She's totally obsessive. At the moment I have a picture of a very little, needy, desperate, pretty oriental. ""I luf him I haf very strong feeling for Peter"" etc etc. The man who can't communicate with me has got to make an effort with her because of the language barrier. I have always given him space but obviously it was too much! I'm curious to know what she looks like but something is holding me back.

The other thing is he is not here all the time. I asked him to leave when I knew he was still in contact with her (checked the phone messages on his mobile - she sings whole songs and he saves them. I kid you not she has a terrible voice but she does sound kind of fun). He comes at the weekend to see the kids and we have not slept together but last Tuesday he surprised me. Turned up out of the blue and got into bed. Didn't touch me but lay there and I really wanted to jump him!! Hence I took a very active interest in you asking "would it be wrong to suggest sex". My H is a very deep, quiet, sober man. Always has been. I knew life wouldn't be about swinging from the chandeliers with him but I trusted him 100% and really thought he was dependable. The lies in the past year are the hardest thing - not the sex. I am scared that we can never get back on track and it's so sad because fundamentally, we care a lot about each other. Blah blah blah. Do you ever think you could already write a novel? I'll stop for now. Off to work - cheerio.

Tummytuck = I am amazed at your ability to handle this woman invading your home and bed. But I get the impression if ever figured out how to get rid of her he would. He certainly got a handfull with this wild card.
Sadly you must deal with it.

Are you convinced that you want to stay with your hubby? I am 100% sure we can make it. BUT (there always has to be a but) I just don't see him making a decision either way. This waiting game is hard on me, especially with him not even staying at the house.

Whitefeather, when she phoned and said she'd been to my house I was devastated. Despite her persistent phonecalls I didn't really sit up and take notice. But then one day - Valentines Day - she said my name. That got my attention. She reeled off the names of my girls. She described my house and told me she'd been here. Up until then, I had asked my husband if I needed to know who this woman was who was calling. I assumed it was someone who had the hots for him and I'd even considered the possibility of a one night stand. I felt I could deal with that. But when you realise that these people have strong feelings for one another, it is so different. I was devastated. I cried and screamed etc etc. But I pride myself on being quite a cheerful person and I vowed I wouldn't let him drag me down. I have so much to be grateful for (so does he) and with him or without him, I hope I can always look on the bright side of life. It is a wake-up call. People on this site talk about trust. Well maybe we should never trust our spouse 100%. That little bit of doubt might just keep us all on our toes and stop us being complacent in our relationships.

I also feel like you that he will keep me waiting on his decision. He can't make his mind up. It must be so hard to let go of an affair. But don't you think now that we (you and I) know what they are up to, it must have some kind of adverse effect on the A. It can't be the same now, can it? I'm sure the secrecy played a big part in the excitment and now that's gone.

My WH will be home to see the girls tomorrow. I said a lot of things last weekend. Think I'll say very little this time. Que sera sera, what will be, will be.

Tummytuck- I consider myself to be an extreme optomist and so yeah, this shouldn't bring you down. Even though it does and it shakes our world as we knew it.

A coworker(male) that has experience sadly of his having an affair on his wife told me that don't always picture the affair as ALWAYS rosey.
When he said that to me today, something clicked. My hubby showed some uneasiness with me the other day. It was different then usual.
And yeah, I have no doubts that even though he spends his nights with her, I have actually had several afternoons, along with I know he has been away due to family illness (his dad in hospital) so he really hasn't been with her much since affair exposed.
And his coworkers have kept me abreast of his demeanor at work and he is really very depressed.

I wouldn't find pleasure in that, but it gives me hope that he is disturbed. My little pea brain thinks if he was running around happy, I would have an extremely hard time convincing him that we should be working on the marriage.

But the waiting is so hard. The loneliness is hard. The fear and imagination I have just really works on me.
So when I make a list of things I need to do, I'm writing down "take care of me" also.
I'm having to remind myself.

Update:
Last Wednesday I made suggestive remarks that I wanted my WS. He turned me down very bluntly but with a dash of kindness.

Saturday he is waiting for me at the house when I get off of work.We talk a bit and we both speak of things we need to do. He had to go work on a tractor for his dad and I needed to do some animal care (we raise birds).
I dress in some grubbies and he walks past me and turns on the shower to get the hot water coming to the stall.
I ask what he is doing and he says he is hot and wants to take a shower. So since I got turned down last Wednesday I wasn't about to try again. I admit I thought how nice it would be . . . but I didn't want to pressure him.
So I start to gather my things, put my shoes on and he comes to me and asks where I am going. Well, it was already discussed so I thought it was an odd question.
So I asked why, do you want me to stay?
And he pulled me close and said yes.
So . . . the rest is pretty well understood folks.
But I must add that the lovemaking was entirely my afternoon. WS was the most attentive in many years. I was litterly spoiled. He made love to me totally unselfishly.

So here I sit home. Alone. Yes, he left for the afternoon. I didn't question it, I accepted it.
I sure hope I am not fooling myself that this is anything less then his attempt to show his love for me. I mean two weeks ago, he was telling me he hasn't loved me in several years. I knew when he said it, that it was a lie. But still very hurtful to hear.

And of course, I realize this could turn into a viscious cycle where I end up being the OW.
But for now I'll take it as a step towards saving our marriage.

Whitefeather : interesting stuff going on there. I'm glad you feel it was a step in the right direction. Last week it was what I was craving and this weekend I haven't got a clue. Feel like I'm kidding myself that things could improve in the long run between us. I don't know if there's too much damage. He can't make his mind up and I don't seem to be able to either. Feel like I live in limbo land.

Tummytuck - I'm still in limbo too. But I have always wanted us to work.
Could it be you are just worn down, to think that things could improve?
The whole deal is taxing on the body, both physically and mentally. You said yourself you prefer to look positive about things. But even optomistic people have their down times.
Hope you are doing something for yourself. You deserve a day, afternoon or an hour to spoil yourself.

Things took an interesting turn in our situation. It was three weeks since I asked WH to leave. He called me up in the day and said he would be home in the evening and to expect some repercussions from the OW. She has todate conducted herself in an appalling manner but I am convinced she is crazy about him and would do anything to have him back.

There is no sense of victory. I am filled with an anxiety about our future together. I feel unsure whether we can rebuild a marriage but I know our girls will be thrilled to have us back under one roof.

I feel that he destroyed my faith in him and has also made such a mess of the OW's life. I actually feel sorry for her. She has a 12 yr old son too who will no doubt have his life in turmoil whilst his mother sorts herself out. This is all by no means over.

I hope it is a big lesson for all involved. With a bit of communication, perhaps so much of this could have been avoided. Anyway, it was just an update. Off to work now.

Tummytuck. Interesting that he is making the step back.
On the surface I can see you feeling sorry for the OW, especially since she is a mom, but must admit I found the comment strange.
I see the OW as an adult that can make up her own mind. She is responsible for herself. Granted WS was a participant but she made the decision to be with him . . . otherwise the A would never have happened.

Presently my feeling is an A is caused by something that was missing in a relationship and the weakness of the WS to allow that empty space to be filled by OP. I say presently as I don't have a good grasp on this A stuff.
Funny, how I've always been rather confident and intuitive about things and now I don't trust that about myself.

How did the evening go?
I'm thinking he was making a good gesture to warn you to expect some response from her since he was coming back.

Me? I'm lonely. I absolutely love the days I see hubby. He spent good portion of Saturday and Sunday with me. But Monday? well, work and only two calls. Calls were pleasant but . . .this is hard stuff waiting.

Good luck with new situation. Let me know how it goes.

Whitefeather - I suppose it does sound quite strange to think I feel a bit sorry for her but I think she (stupidly) fell in sooooo deep. In a way it must be wonderful to feel so strongly about someone and I know I can't give those feelings to him. I love him but it's old love. It's good love but it's lost its edge.
On the Sunday before he called I was thinking to myself, here is a man heading towards dialysis, not much to look forward to, feeling low and despite the complications of his health, no money, 3 kids, wife, this OW wants him so badly. Most 'normal' people would run a mile from all of these problems. She's either nuts (probably) or head over heels in love. She sold her business to get out of a relationship with her partner and bought an apartment in the hope of my WH joining her there. These are huge steps to take so soon into a relationship. She put a lot of trust into my WH and it looks like it was wasted. (These words might come back to haunt me!) He must have really convinced her that his wife was a she-devil and he needed to escape fast. People act so poorly in the heat of passion. Hope I can reignite my spark like you did!

Whitefeather, I meant to say I reckon your hubby will be back soon. The fact you had him for the weekend - his leisure time - already sounds like you are getting the best of him. You sound more sure in wanting him there than me. I really wish you the best of luck. Do you have friends or family around who know what's going on. Someone you can bounce your thoughts off? Isn't this website great. I really look forward to hearing your progress. This thread has pretty much turned into a two=way communication between you and me!

I have had similar thoughts about my WS regarding what or who he is. (You mentioned about his dialysis and money problem).
I have thought about my husbands excessive behavior in which he can really get on a nag or rant about something that bugs him. How he has a tendency to look at the negative side of things.
Or whatever he does it has to absolutely perfect, he doesn't like second best (trust me that can get annoying - especially when the past two years we've been building a house)
But even with all the negatives he is a good guy. He hurt us, but I know he is a good man.
When he does love, he loves very unselfishly.

Maybe you can consider a list of the good qualities of your WS, it might help on your recovery.

Yeah, I have to chuckle at your comment that most would run from the negatives we see in WH's.
I think that has helped me too. That this other woman doesn't know hubby 24 hr a day, good and bad. And in fact, he said that to me the day I found out about the affair. So he knows the comparison cannot be made fairly.

Yeah, your crazy OW is definitely crazy. Now you got me thinking I feel sorry for her. She jumped too fast and too hard. There must be a sad story in all that regarding her past life.

I am extremely cautious of the interest that WS is giving. I've read to much to feel that he will actually move back in with me or that he won't fall back to her.
But every positive sign, I feel a child-like happiness. I know our love is that old love you speak of . . . but I've got a new attitude about myself this past year and so I'm really wanting to put a different view on things with the marriage. Sadly I was thinking this way before he had the affair . . . we weren't talking much and so I failed to tell him I wasn't that happy either in the way we were.

I have always beeped him in the morning and he returns my call. I purposefully did not beep him this morning . . . and he called anyway.
He plans to come out to the house and also to do some errands for his folks. On top of all this his father is doing chemo treatments and they need help (I have been there for them daily).
But he mentioned he needed a hair cut and so he plans to pick me up and we are going to go do that together too.
I am attempting to be around him as much as possible. I want him to know how good it feels to be around me. (hee,hee, I'm really a wonderful person to hang out with)

Do I think since the affair has he been lying to the OW? sure, he was with me quit a bit on the weekend (actually more then we were prior to A) and he is probably telling her he is caring for his parents. (we live in a rural location close to each other).
And like you I probably was portrayed as a she-devil also.

Let me know what the latest is.



Most 'normal' people would run a mile from all of these problems. She's either nuts (probably) or head over heels in love. She sold her business to get out of a relationship with her partner and bought an apartment in the hope of my WH joining her there. These are huge steps to take so soon into a relationship. She put a lot of trust into my WH and it looks like it was wasted. (These words might come back to haunt me!) He must have really convinced her that his wife was a she-devil and he needed to escape fast. People act so poorly in the heat of passion. Hope I can reignite my spark like you did!

tummytuck -
Sorry, didn't answer your other questions. Yes, family is aware of the A. All made it very clear to him that he was being selfish or stupid.
I have spoken with mutual friends, some with the promise that they wouldn't divulge their knowledge to him and they have kept tabs on him.
First week, I wanted to know how his demeanor was at work and so I had people telling me about his looking extremely depressed.
Sadly I was glad, as I figured he was jumping for joy then he would be happy to dissolve the marriage. His depression gave me the impression he did feel remorse.
Yes, this is a great site. I picked up one of the books on A's. And also have got back into reading Max Lucado inspirational books to get myself focused internally. Both have helped.