My H absolutely refuses to use the word 'love' in regards to his feelings for OW. He says he quickly found out how much she loved him.
I was sick and had been, she watched me struggle and moved in. I truly believe he needed someone to talk to but tried incredibly hard to discourage this friendship. She was going through a D and would tell him all her 'oh poor pitiful me stories' and listen to his. All along he says she told him all she cared about was him and his happiness. It didn't matter to him if his marriage worked out or what, all she wanted was him happy.
After a couple of months, he told her he wanted to work on his marriage and knew where he should be. That's when she showed her true colors. If he dumped her, she said she make sure I was going to find out. He didn't want that and did as little as possible that would still allow him to keep her happy until the day I discovered it. DDay he called her and said, it's over. She told him he had 7 days to pack and move in with her or she'd ruin us. A couple of letters later, she finally realized her power was gone and so was she.
I read everyone's posts and am grateful that I never had to deal with that fog, that her true colors came through and I never had to face the incredible pain and frustration some of you must feel. I feel like if I had found out in that first month, he would have been just as deeply in the fog as any other. It can be so hard some days just like it is. I wonder if I would show the strength and courage I see here on this board.
Is it really love? If he'd just try and ditch her, he might find out.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 03:56 AM: Message edited by: lost&found ]</small>

"All along he says she told him all she cared about was him and his happiness."

that seems to be a line from the "how to be the OW" book. My H's OW said the same thing. What she really meant was "all I want is for you to help me with my bills, get me a cell phone, help me get a loan for a new car and put me on your insurance" once he took all that away she no longer cared if he was happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> she never cared about his happiness in the first place, all she cared about was herself and hijacking my marriage made it easier for her to leave hers.

Toomanylies - that is an interesting viewpoint.
The OW wants something from him and truly doesn't care for him being happy. She wants to be happy.

I had already mentioned in early post on this thread that I was the OW 17 years ago and now I am the BW.

I have always wondered why we made it from an affair and this really stuck out for me.
As when we got together, I didn't need anything from him financially. I didn't need him to set me up with material things or set me up with insurance or a cell phone. I loved him for him and loved being with him.
In fact, after the divorce I pretty well supported him till the alimony payments were over as most of his money went to child support (deservingly) and to alimony.
We were the small percentage of affairs that made it.

And so this is definitely something that should be exposed within an A. What are the things that WS are doing for the OW/M.

This is definitely a revelation for me.

I am so close to quitting that I don't know what to do. H said to me last night that he can't give me a chance because of feelings for OW. H pretends he is trying, but continues to contact OW. I have asked him to tell me when he does and I found that he was supposed to have nc since last Sun., yet he has talked to her twice. As i stated they do work together, but he doesn't get that you can say HI and keep walking. I feel that I have no chance as long as OW is in the picture. Yet I can't get h to give her up. I am sick with stomach issues, losing a lot of weight, headaches, and suffering from nightmares and sleep loss. Is it time for me to go and stick to plan b? H is going to see a counselor on Friday, so I know that he is trying to find the answers, but it is killing me. I am so tired of being second best.

"Is it really love? If he'd just try and ditch her, he might find out."

EXACTLY!

My WH once told me, while sobbing, that he "loves her (OW) SOOOO much"...

What did I do? I was crying too and we were hugging each other. I told him I understood but that I was so worried he was making a mistake that would eventually leave him as heartbroken as we were (me and our daughters).

I did challenge him a couple of times to tell OW how much he still loved and needed ME. How he had been demanding to see me too or else refuse visitation with his daughters. How THAT was the real reason he had so little visitation with his daughters - NOT the false accusation that I was preventing him from seeing them. Instead of calling ME and telling ME he wants me and wants to come home (um - without having to send OW the no contact letter) I tell him to try telling the OW that's how he really feels about me - THEN I will let him come home again without having to worry that he will just go back to OW again. Because THEN she will not have any more to do with him! I challenged him to see just how much she 'loved' him after he admitted THAT to her! (Instead of pretending that when he came home to his wife it was because I forced him to or else he couldn't even speak to his daughters.)

I'm pretty sure every time my WH and OW have broken up it has been her dumping him because he hadn't met her demands. She dumps him for things like letting his wife and kids use the car, that he told us and lots of mutual friends he was GIVING to us. They do get back together again for a day or two sometimes - usually around one of his paydays. And then he suddenly demands the car back. But I just wait a couple of days till they're broke up again, after which us keeping the car is apparently no longer a problem for WS... he doesn't mention it again until he and OW hook up again. Also, giving us extra money, buying stuff for his daughters and having visitation with his daughters are not problems when he's broke up with OW either.

She seems totally unloving and uncaring about him sitting alone in his apartment crying and depressed after she dumps him. Yet still he's soooo 'in love' with her...

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

CoolDuck,

Before going into Plan B assess how long/well you have done Plan A.

Because the longer and/or better you syaed in Plan A, the more confidence you will have to stay in Plan B. You don't want to be worrying that you didn't Plan A enough and have that cause you to break Plan B prematurely (BIG mistake).

Plan B is partly to protect yourself from further hurt and it does sound as if you are getting to the point where you can't take Plan A anymore. But if you haven't been in Plan A for very long or feel you haven't done too well at it, Maybe you should try it for just a tiny bit longer, really doing the absolute best you can to meet his most important emotional needs and to not Love Bust. THEN pull the rug out from under him with a Plan B letter and a FIRM resolve to STAY in Plan B until he absolutely proves OW is gone for good.