The more I think about this....the more I think it is a bad, bad, bad idea.

First of all, what will it accomplish?

His employer could fire them both for misuse of company resources...or they could very privately investigate it, it would only be known by his and her immediate supervisors and the employee relations person, and nothing else would come of it. Thus, just pissing WH off, and only really revealing it to two-three more people.

My WH contends that I was controlling, spiteful, and vindictive. This will verify all these incorrect beliefs about me.

Plus, shouldn't I want the A to end because he ended it, not because I embarrassed the hell out of him and made him look like a fool...which would be no assurance he would end it anyways (pastor knows...he just doesn't go to church anymore; IL's know, he just doesn't see them much, and avoids conversations about the M with them; son knows, he just gets angry when son calls him on the carpet about it all, and makes a bunch of excuses about it).

He would be embarassed, but I doubt that anything will actually come out of it.

And if one of his top ENs is respect and admiration...isn't this a GIANT LB for him.

I want my H back....help!!!!! I called Penny back for more advice...but could use feedback from BS's who exposed at work and it was sucessful, and WS's who had it exposed, and what your feedback on that now is (assuming you are in recovery)!!!

Please help me!!!

Just a quick response/thought on backpeddling on this idea, Christy.

Who says this letter has to come from you? Why not anonymous?

He would know it was me. He just would.

Hi Christy! I just read your thread. I know our circumstances are different, but I have let my H know very clearly throughtout this the following. If our M ends, whether he goes to OW or not, it will be because of the A. If that occurs I will not protect him anymore. I won't be vindictive, but people will know about their A. If I Plan Bed him, he would be outed. My thinking is get them out of their little bubble world.

I understand your concerns. If your H loses his job would you be OK financially? My other concern is about your H's violent fantasy. Did you talk to Penny or anybody about that?

Good luck! I'm thinking about you! CV

Any other feedback. I am truly FREAKED out by this. HELP!!

I would not be hurt financially if he lost his job...but not sure about the other comment.

Please experts, friends...weigh in on this!

bump....

Jo - I thought her original note was appropriately business-like. She has to judge the "professionalism" of this outfit. If it was, say, National Inquirerer, perhaps it should have been a bit more, er, sensational, "Aliens Capture Staffers!"

Christy - your hesitation is justified. Only you can make this decision. Don't let our blood in the water circles influence you TOO much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kidding aside - it's appropriate to question what you REALLY want to accomplish. Will this disclosure have a reasonable chance to influemce the end of the affair and, if so, will this bloodletting be balanced eventually by more good than harm? Hard to say. If colateral damage occurs as a result, oh well. All you did was reveal the truth.

If you are having serious second thoughts, I recommend you serious evaluate the "worth" of this exposure. The two extremes when considering exposure in the workplace are 1) there is no common employer and exposure is received as "so what?" and 2) the common employer is "Marriage Builders" and an affair is diametrically opposed to everything this employer stands for, so exposure reasonably results in bad juju.

Only you can decide.

WAT

Christy - another way to look at this is to ask, how would this situation be received in your company?

Suppose you were having an affair with a co-worker and somebody tipped off your bosses. What would they do? Take the "don't want to get involved - none of my business approach"? How would it change if you or OP was a subordinate of the other?

I know you're smart enough to have thought of this already.

WAT

Company is a large, fortune 10 financial institution. They have "values" like integrity, respect, innovation, etc as their core "values," but also seem to have this stance of staying away from moral dillemas. In other words, I could see them saying "Well, we are not crazy about it, but you were both consenting adults...and you need to settle this dispute privately with your wife."

Now, mention the words "sexual harassment lawsuit" and you have a bunch of nervous HR folks, who at the very least, would pull WH and OW into a room and question them. Mention words "inappropriate use of company resources" and they could also potentially do phone record audits, instant chat audits, e-mail audits, etc. What these audits would show them is EXTREME abuse of company resources (especially on behalf of the OW). When I used to still have access to WH's cell phone records, she had called him during one weekend over 29 times, FROM INDIA, using the company phone...at all hours of the day and night, and there would be no way to excuse away business calls on that one...because they really have no direct reason to be dialoging for business reasons (WH was assigned to a VERY temporary training assignment with her department, that lasted less than 2 weeks, while he was in India last year, thus how they met and started f'ing, I mean, their relationship).

So...worse/best case, they are both fired for misuse of company resources (especially her...she has probably spent more than her annual salary over there in calls to WH since this began last September).

Best/worse case, they are both quietly investigated by their supervisors, and the Employee Relations people at each of the locations. This investigation clears either of them of sexual harassment charges, they are privately repimanded for misuses of resources, and WH is told to "privately deal" with me and my complaint. And he is no longer able to walk around work like he is all that, because he will know that the people who ultimately review his performance know what a slime bag he is.

In both cases, WH is VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, did I mention VERY pissed. He is very artificial at work...everyone thinks his **** doesn't stink there. In fact, he was just given the highest honor of the company for his "contributions while in India" which include public acknowledgement and a hefty bonus. PUUUUKKKEEE!

Now, the effects could be more serious for her also. There are the cultural taboos to consider there...I am not sure how that would be handled...but she would definitely be shamed. And she was having trouble with her immediate supervisor (per WH) anyway and considering quitting before (per WH...so again, who knows).

SOOOOOOO....I have no idea what to do. But Penny said to me, and I quote "Time to tighten the noose around this affair, and stop making things so comfortable for your WH."

And he basically hasn't even told his co-workers we have separated. In fact, due to my profession, I work closely with quite a few influential people at his organization, and I saw a few of them at a recent event, and they were chatting away with me about my "wonderful" husband...still remembering all the endearing stories he had shared with them before he lost his mind, about how much he loved me and the kids. And the were sharing "Your husband is such a great guy" because of this and that stories all day, and my tongue was bleeding I was biting it so bad.

So with all that diarrehea (sp) of the mouth, or shall I say, finger, since I am typing, now what do you think?

Launch the Nuke.

Christy,

I agree with the others about the exposure IF..
and that is a BIG if your H had not shared his plan to "Kill you"..

The more you describe your H the more frighten I become in your situation. He is highly admired, has been given great awards, has not spoken to anyone regarding your seperation, etc.
He could go over the edge if he loses that admiration.

I say expose it as you have planned. BUT you make sure your H is aware that you have documented his plan to "off you", and if anything happens to you (accident) that it will be investigated fully. I dont think he will try anything with the thought of an investigation pointing in his direction.

Christy I liked your letter. I think that you should send it..BUT protect yourself from a potentionally unstable WH. Good-luck.

Stressed

Christy, I agree with the others 100%. The great advantage in shining the light on their sleazy little affair is that it will completely take away the fantasy aura that secrecy provides. It will bring great conflict into the affair which will hasten its end. You will be ruining all their fun!

And if there is trouble as a result, it won't be because of YOUR ACTIONS, it will be because of the affair. Would your H be angry if you exposed him at work for a great samaritan deed? Of course not. He will be angry because HIS behavior brought great embarrassment to him. And that is no one's fault but his. So don't be scared away from doing the right thing.

As WAT so succinctly stated: LAUNCH THE NUKE!

Christy - please clear up two things.

What was this "plan to kill you"????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Also, I guess I didn't fully process the fact that OW is on the other side of the world. Am I missing something? Long distance affairs do not have legs to run on.

WAT

When I first discovered WH's e-mails to big-fat-whore in India, they were talking about how their life together would be, and it was a VERBATIM description of the life WE had NOW. Literally, everthing to what we would do on a weekend, to our kids cuddling in bed with us on Saturdays. So I mentioned to him it was almost as if I had evaporated and he just moved her in, into my house, my family, and I no longer existed. She would even refer to my children as "our children" (she has no kids) in their exchanges.

So he tells me, well, funny you mentioned that, because I had thought about killing you.

Hold up. What?

He said that when he first got back from India, before d-day, he wanted out so bad, that he planned how to kill me.

In disbelief I asked him, well, what did you plan?

He told me he planned to either:

1.) Let the brake fluid out of my brake lines so I would not be able to stop before entering the busy road at the edge of our subdivision, and be killed in a car accident.

2.) I used to take runs on Saturday mornings in my neighborhood. He mentioned that he would hide in the bushes, near one of the wooded areas near a preserve part along the way of my run, and would ambush me and strangle me.

I responded to that, you would kill me with your own hands? He said, laughing, no, I probably would have hired someone. Ha-ha.

I told him I was deeply hurt that he had considered that. I told him, if you want out that bad, you really don't have to kill me...just divorce me and move on, you don't need to murder me. He then, somberly replied, I would never hurt you, that is just an indication of how much the "devil had my mind."

Since then I have mentioned it to him, and he says he regrets ever telling me that...and that he would never, ever, ever, ever hurt me.

As far as her being away, she is in India. That is good and bad. Good in the fact that she is not here, and they cannot be shacked up, screwing, or around my kids. Bad in the fact that the little fantasy, la-la land, alien world of the affair can stay alive longer, because there is no reality setting in, just the perfection they show each other in occasional calls, very frequent e-mails, etc.

And when I still had access to his e-mail, I noticed they were already having a few disagreements, where she was apologizing for pressing him to get her out of that armpit of a place where she lives, pressing him for a deadline to make a committment to her, which obviously means he is not, etc.

SOOOOOOO...the fact that they are both all snuggly in their little fantasy land, is why Penny probably recommended launching the nuke. It will probably hasten the end of the affair, and allow reality to seep in.

But I know my H, and he does really thrive on his reputation, and has worked hard to gain his colleagues respect, and will be very irate, perhaps never able to forgive this act, from me. I fear it will be the nail in the coffin. His top ENs are probably admiration and respect.

Christy I forgot about the killing thing, that is not a joke and not funny. As to the exposure I think that I wouldn't do it, as WAT said it is a long distance A and I was in several relationships like this when I was in the navy in fact I asked one to M me she lived in Japan and I was stateside. Well she sent me the ring back and said it wasn't going to work out. Long distance doesn't work. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll get tired of waiting and find someone else, or better yet your H might grow up and realize that long distance relationships don't work. That's just my 2 cents sorry I didn't post sooner lots of things on my mind the last couple of days.

bump...

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm starting to lean less toward disclosure to the employer.

It's the long distance aspects that make me re-think this. I find it hard to believe that they'd ever see each other again. Will he likely go back over there?

This is gonna fade away for sure. What does Penny say about this aspect?

The downside of disclosure to the employer is the HUGE love buster and potential career damage. MB purists may say, "so what? If the affair doesn't die on it's own, what is there to lose?"

A tough one, Christy.

WAT

One other thing, I think if you do exposure I think you should do it all at once i.e. Your parents, his parents, and then work. So that way the WS can only be angry about all these LB's at one time instead of stringing it out. Like in my situation I exposed to her family in Feb. it would make no sense now in May to expose it to her work now. I think it's worse to string out these major LB's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Tinman:
<strong> One other thing, I think if you do exposure I think you should do it all at once i.e. Your parents, his parents, and then work.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wait a minute, Christy - have you not ALREADY exposed it to his family????? I thought you did.

WAT

People who know:
My parents
His parents
His brother
My brother
My best friend
His two, big fat loser friends
Pastor/Pastor's wife of our Church & several elders