I will address my other threads in a bit! While I was walking out the door a bit ago, I remembered I forgot to take my meds this mroning...so I opened up the med cabinet and staring me in the face is a bottle of Levitra (aka Viagra)...so what do I do...I count them. should have been 17 pills! 1 pil went flying across the room "supposedly", one pill we cut in half and he DID use that pill, 1/2 of which is stil there and one pill is MISSING!

I called him from the car and he immediately said "sorry I didnt' call, I tried but all the phones were tied up...I have two patients in rooms waiting, can we talk later" I did not get in a word edgewise...."I simply said "OK" do you have anything to tell me in the meantime" not mentioning the missing pill. he says "no, can we talk about this later"..sure thing, and hung up.

He is SUPPOSED to go to THE nursing home today aftger his clinic hours. Supposedly OW is off today! So now what do I do...I haven't asked him about it, but if he did in fact take the pill, he knows I know by now. I cant go over there, it is too late in the day, I would not make it in time and I have to pick kids up in a bit! Should I just wait till he gets home and ask him if he needs to tell me anything and if he doesn't fess up approach him witht he missing pill...What about another lame excuse. Why on earth would he need to even open the damn bottle? UGH! I am so sick of this. I cant stand it! Can I kick him out NOW!

I would really like to get that cookie recipe from you, M2TB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong>Should I just wait till he gets home and ask him if he needs to tell me anything and if he doesn't fess up approach him witht he missing pill...What about another lame excuse. Why on earth would he need to even open the damn bottle? UGH! I am so sick of this. I cant stand it! Can I kick him out NOW! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you can't kick him out now, he is not home. Calm down. When he come home ask him about the pill w/o LB'ng. Let him explains why and let him answer you "what he would think if he is on your shoes ?". POJA to dump the Viagra in the toilet. Get ready for the worst answer and think through what you want to do.

If there is contact today you know what to do ... we 've talked about this already.

1. NC
2. Let you in
3. Be honest on his feeling

-rh

Note: Delete your post after you read the reply before he might read it and I will do the same.

Mom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ,

The first "tried to cut it in half" pill went missing when he had rounds at "the" NH.

Now this one goes missing when he again has rounds at "the" NH.

It doesn't look good, does it?

Definitely *don't* ask him if he has anything he wants to discuss with you. That is like setting a trap for him. If he *is* involved with OW again, he'll just say no, nothing to discuss. If he *isn't* involved with OW then this missing pill probably won't occur to him as something that needs discussing.

Instead, get yourself under control and talk to him calmly without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, or demands. Simply tell him that another pill has gone missing. Tell him that coupled with the first one going missing when he made rounds at "the" NH, it is a very stressful thing for you to endure. Then ask him what happened to it.

Hugs to you.

momto...

time for you to try to get in control of chaos
time for you to reign your self in...
time for you to try to approach him and this situation with as much calmness and compassion as you can...and when you can't meet the criteria of being calm...and having compassion then you are better off not talking to him at all....

can you call the nursing home...ask to speak to whooosywhatsit nurse...and if they say she is off today..say thank you...if they say one moment please...hang up...

please no more phone calls to your husband with baiting lines....do you have something to tell me...
regardless of his proffession...regardless of the "issue" it serves no purpose no matter the shape of any marriage....

even when most angry at my husband...I admit to it being folly to call him at work and unload...it is unproductive and unfair...
it frustrates me
it frustrates him...

you have to look at the big picture of healing the whole marriage....and what serves it well to learn and put in to practice....

also you two are just flipping in to crisis after crisis...and are begining to devlelope new patterns of mis-communication...

where is his safety in discussing his real feelings...when you want the truth...onus lays with you to make it safe to tell you....

if he doesn't fess up approach him witht he missing pill...What about another lame excuse.

your other option is to just let it go...
at some point you have to anyways..can you start with this one....

what would happen if he came home to home...for one night
free of stress
free of tension

can you do one night...
because if you don't start offerring that as well as the heavy rebuilding...it does and can get overwhelming....

can you get his attention by doing what he doesn't expect...
can you give the chance to tell you about the pills...
can you let the whole pill issue go...

ark...

Dad doesn't read the boards anymore...why? because he is back in the A...maybe not physically but mentally...he doesn't want advice on what he KNOWS is wrong...

Can I let the pill thing go Ark? No, I cant. Not aftetr this weekend and him telling me he was going to try to start letting me in and be honest with me. If he cant tell me the truth about the missing pill, then I cannot trust him. If he has taken the pill because he plans to be with OW today, then I cant go on with this right now. I am emotionally drained. Part of me just wants to let him go and be with her. It would be far less painful NOW to let him go than in 6 months when he figures out he NEEDS her still. He is so confused, I know. But if he cant be honest with me. OK< so a pill is missing..tell me what hapened to it WHEN it happened. We have been over this a million times. I have not LB'd him at all today or yesteday or Sunday. I am very calm and collective. I am extremely guarded right now. I have an armour on if you will. I am shaking cuz I dont want this to be what I think it is. I used to be so optimistic and used to give the benefit of the doubt. I hate not trusting my H. The man I am supposed to love and honor and cherish for ever! what hapened to that man.

I'm with ark. Here you just got back from what should have been a wonderful weekend and you are counting pills again.

I wouldn't even ask about it, he will probably come up with another excuse, or it will lead to an argument.

Instead have a nice peaceful evening a home.

He made it pretty clear at the MB weekend that he is still torn, give him some space, sometimes it takes time to sink in.

Dear Mom.
Since your husband is a doctor, he can get ALL the Viagra pills he wants or needs without going to the home medicine cabinet. True?

Maybe he took one last night, hoping to make love with you?
There are always other possibilites than what seems the obvious. True again?

Take Ark's advice and call and ask to speak to OW and then hang up if she answers!(If they have caller Id, add *67 first (or whatever the numbers are for the caller's number to be blocked.)
Sincerely, Julie

Mom,

He could be baiting you to make a decision for him that he is unable to make for himself. He "could" have taken the pill knowing you will count them. He know's that this will be a deal breaker and you've already considered kicking him out. He knows that you are close to that point anyway.

Don't let him off so easy. If he wants out then let him make the first move. I agree with Ark. If he knows that you are aware that a pill is missing and he comes home to no tension, he'll conclude something is up. A little bit of the 180's may work well. As long as you have all of the stress, he doesn't have any. What excuse would be good enough to lower your stress and be "believable"? I don't think there's one that will suffice. I'm not saying let it go, just make it work for you instead of against you. You take control of the relationship and steer it in the direction you want it to go. Again you and he both know that there's a pill missing. Assume the worst and work from there. I genuinely think that he's affraid of crossing your line in the sand. If you keep moving that line then you end up giving him more ground.

How would he react if you asked him where the pill went with a smile? Then after the "lame" excuse you went on with the rest of the evening with a smile. I know that it would make me blow a mental fuse! It will make for some serious questions in his mind. I think that's really what you want to happen. He's afraid that you "CAN" find happiness "WITHOUT" him. I know you want happiness with him, but it's what's going through his mind right now that's important.

Let me know what you think.

Titleist

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Titleist ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Here you just got back from what should have been a wonderful weekend </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, believer lets put a little more STRESS on the word SHOULD HAVE BEEN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> It was a horrible weekend!

Ok, I will let the pill go for now. BUT, I might have to address it in a few days. maybe I will just open the cabinet up one day and jokingly say "oh, here is the livitra, lets see how many are here..not that I dont trust you honey" more of in a joking manner.

I will be deleting this thread after I get it out of my system.

you said you have the armor on so here it is and maybe people will disagree w/me but you said that you haven't LB'd him but that's what i've been seeing all along. maybe we have different definitions of LB's. that's why i stopped reading your posts and replying because i just didn't feel i could offer you anything because you were still LB'ing in my book. maybe you'll read this and say "then why the heck are you replying now?" well it's because i still want to support everyone in their goals and while i say that i wish i were in your position or other people in order to work on my M, i know that until you are really walking in that person's shoes that you can never really know how they are feeling and be able to tell them what to do.

you can take all this for what it's worth. another suggestion is to talk to SH ASAP and come up w/more of a plan on what to do when situations arise. i'm sure you will follow what he recommends, especially just coming from the MBW and he "knows" where you guys stand for the most part. maybe try and get a session for 0600 CST i find that this works the best for me because i'm up already and i know that SH won't be running late. anyway, i hope i only tapped on your armor a little. prayers to you.

I remember the whole "do you have anything you would like to tell me" routine.

Used to do it myself.....my H HATED it.
He said it made him feel like I was blaming him for something (anything) without actually coming out and saying it.....MAJOR LB.

I can't count the LB's on my part....as I know there are MANY MORE than my H voiced to me. I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut at all....and am opinionated beyond belief.

As a BS we have to get to a point where we aren't always on the lookout for something wrong.

IF...and this is a big IF...the pill was taken and he was with the OW....what are you going to do about it? Are you going to go to Plan B...throw him out...ask for a divorce?

If you aren't going to do any of those 3 then what is the purpose of bringing it up?

You CANNOT control his actions....you CAN'T force him to quit seeing the OW and YOU can't determine what is an LB to him.
You can only control yourself, your actions, your reactions to his actions and determine what is an LB to you.

Asking your H if he needs to tell you anything leaves the door wide open...unless he's a mind reader. It's a confusing and blame sounding question.

momto I realize that physically moving a mountain would be easier to ask than some of this stuff here...

Not aftetr this weekend and him telling me he was going to try to start letting me in and be honest with me. If

can you give the space and chance to do so...or is it better to barge your way in....? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> unfair question I realize but you have options...

If he cant tell me the truth about the missing pill,
then I cannot trust him.

well don't you already know that right now you really can't trust him....??
and isn't trust what he has to earn and prove...

and shouldn't you try to step back and give him opportunities....cause your real job is when is or does something trustworthy...you slurp him up with lots of postive reinforcement...

you don't lay coiled behind the front door for him...

and i'm not sure you should let it go entirely...but for a bit perhaps...
and certainly not until you are in total control and have processed the worst and best...

ark

Mom, If I were you, I will let it go too. I am learning to put things behind me. The more I care, the more it hurts me. If you act normal and pretend you don't care, they will think what is going on.

I recommend Michell's book, The Divorce Remedy. Just try a little piece a day, it works. It takes the stress off both of you.

If you know what happened to us on Saturday after the seminar, you would know what I mean. After the seminar, he packed. I told him we still have one more night here. He said I am going to my parents. What about me? You will come with me and take the kids back with you. Then tomorrow we will meet and take the flight. Talk about POJA! But i didn't react. I just simply asked him why? He started soften, he said he haven't beed with parents for a while, and he wanted to spend a night with them. He offered to take most of the stuff with him, so I would not carry a lot of stuff and with two kids. After dinner, I had a bad diahrea, he told me to stay with his parents and him to take the kids to the hotel. I said no thanks. We ended up with a nice evening, and he called us to check us up too.

I considered that is a peaceful solution. I do think that he appreciate me no LB him.

roughroad. I haven't followed your story much, but correct me if I am wrong...are you guys reunited or is your H still out of the house? It is much different when a WH moves back home. I was a great Plan Aer while he was gone. I do not LB my H as much as maybe you think I do. Maybe in my posts I might, but lets face it, when we start a thread, it is out of frustration for something we are going thru at that time. I can have a whole GREAT week then we can have one bad day. And yes, I am a human being...I am going to LB him. If you do not want to read my posts, that is fine with me. I have not hid anything from SH and have told him exactly what I have said and done to my H and he has supported me to the end. He says no BS should have to put up with what I am. What I have said to him is not LBing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IF...and this is a big IF...the pill was taken and he was with the OW....what are you going to do about it? Are you going to go to Plan B...throw him out...ask for a divorce?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will go into a Plan B. I am ready for a Plan B...especially after this past weekend. He doesnt' care right now. He must let me into his heart and he isn't. So regardless if I am a great person and no LB's he does't care. It doesnt' matter to him. I am just a figure walking around in this house to him. He does not care about me or my actions right now.

He just called and I did not bring up the pill. I will wait to see if he brings it up.

You should not let the pill issue go ! IT WILL HUNT YOU LATER. However you do not need to find out about this pill today. Gather the fact than present the info in front of him and let him explain.

There are a lot of maybe's and if's the one that count is his answer and your level of trust in his answer.

He could get V somewhere else, yes, but WS has been known do dumb thing.

He might want to test your boundary.

He could drink it and hope it would have a good SF after from SF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... maybe ...

.... on the right time, ask him w/o LB and let him explain it.

Open and honest communication w/o LB are the key. Be ready to hear the worst possible answer and think what and how are you going to react to it.

You have no control over his behavior but shur you have 100% control over your reaction to it.

-rh-

I forgot to mention...yes he is a physician, but NO he cannot get levitra or viagra for free anywhere. He paid $180 for 20 pills. Physicians cant just go and get the pill on their own. and he doesn't have samples either. he used them all up on OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He might still have it in his pocket as "just in case " <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> he has encounter OW. How are you going to react ? don't need to post it her but keep the answer to yourself.

On the lighter note .... his equipment doesn't work w/o Viagra ! ha ha ha ha ha , trying to be a stud to 29 yo. OW might not even know he uses it !. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

-rh-

LOL, yea tell me about it rh...I refuse to let him use it with me...more of an insult for him to use it, then to not use it. I think personally. Of course Dr Harley said at the seminar that viagra is mnore for the woman than for the man...true, I think, he can certainly go longer..but for him ot even have to use it with her. hahahaha....

Straight to Plan B if he sees her. That's my decision. And I am sticking to it!

you are definitely right about that coming here and starting threads is often done out of frustration and it's always better to do that then w/the WS. My H and I are not reunited and we are living in separate households (it's actually not because of this but a long story). that's why i tried to convey that in my post, that i don't know what you're going through. it's probably easy to say the things i do because i'm not in your position.

i see a theme in the replies to your orignal posts here, do you? you know the success stories w/plan B and we (yes, me included) will support you in whatever plan you feel comfortable with. maybe even working on a PBL will help you feel better, what do you think? or do you have one that you would like to share already? have you thought about doing something similar to what lostnhurt did like going on a cruise or just taking a sabatical from your life? remember we all have to save our energy in order to reach our goal and maybe a little get away from your life is what you need to get you prepared for plan B.

again, only suggestions and i'm truly sorry for your continued struggle and heartache. prayers to you.