First basic principle of an affair...one of the core ingredients...
is redefining,
re-writing,
and de-valueng...the role of the betrayed spouse,,,
the actions of the betrayed spouse...
even the soul of the betrayed spouse...

because to create and have such magic between the spouse and OP.. it must be do to what is lacking in the spouse and the wayward spouses marriage....all along..for surely this could not happen any other way...right??

one of the first actions of the affair...
was devalueing the spouse...the one person on this universe vowed to cherish...

It is those base unconcious actions that gives the brain permission to continue down the path of betrayal...with ability to label it as something "different' or "special"...

First you convince yourself...
then all you have to do is convince your other person....
and pooof!!!

instant soul-mates...

so now that those two have effectively made your spouse the enemy...the slippery slope just keeps building...

cause we all know about all that great sex...
between you and the other person...except that it wasn't some true deep God driven connection...
it was more akin to a competition with your spouse...

scrambling to prove themselves right...it is the elevation of some easy feel good actions into some earth shattering encounter.....

because it never really was just you two...it was also the spouse present in each physical encouter...

another one upping the spouse....by the other person...and BELIEVE me...OP are well aware of what they perceive the betrayed.. spouse lacks or lacked in that department....

ever read the other boards..
spousey never does this or does that...
yeah right!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


sex is a great tool to assist in the creation of the illusion...

OP must really love you because she/he does this or that sexually...

so that each encounter feeds off the other
but all it is a shallow reflection of true intimacy...because in bed the OP may ACT lovingly...and yet the actions are anything but lovingly...for the price of each encounter is the selling of everyones self worth....
innocently the spouses...

but again our brains sure can justify and rationalize and elevate it all...

and now we are at the point of nearly convincing ourselves we can be happy...

And even more grotesque in this fantasy creation is the expectation that the children, the betrayed spouse, inlaws and parents...
surely only want the Ws happiness in life...and everyone should be happy for the new couple....

for surely once they see how happy they are....
it would have to be..

Ws in an affair take all of their energy and emotion and place on to the OP...

If they could see the amount of time they actively pursue in thinking of the OP....day night, all time of day, minute by minute....and know that each one of those is something that is stolen from the spouse....they can begin to see that what they believe just "exists"....

IT exists only because it is exactly what they create it to be...

all stolen and taken from one...and given to another......
this is all of their creation...
the emptiness of the marriage is a direct creation of these actions...
the "wonder" of the affair is a direct creation of these actions....

nothing good ever comes from devaluing and taking from one....and placing it on another...

all those good feelings from the OP>..are just shadows of what is really valuable in this universe....

it's very sad...when we expend all this energy to convince ourselves that it is anything but that...

the other thing that fits so neatly into the whole soul mate mindset... and elevation of the affair relationship

and feed into this changed thought process...

is the "belief"...that if as a(person) is willing to "risk" so much just for that other person...that must mean it's true love...or that its value is much greater than any other relationship....especially the old one with the spouse...

and the (other person) readily buys into this theory as well...feeds their ego magnificantly .if that married person...with so much to lose...is choosing ME...(little ole me) over spouse and children...then (they) MUST be so special as well...

It all plays so well in to the rationalizing and the nature of what an affair is...
grossly blown out of proportion....
grossly inflated to have so much more meaning and value ...than any other relationship...

that's how I see....

don't forget the instinctive thought processes of the chemical brain....needed to facilitate the affair...

the human mind is the greatest survival entity on this planet...it can bend and flex and change to ensure it's survival...
It will go to great lengths to prove itself right even when deep in it's core it knows the truth...

ark

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

All I can say is WOW! I think you have captured the essence of the affairees thinking perfectly and I am not the one who had an affair! I have been going over and over how my WH could ever get to this point and I have summed up what must have went on in his mind to ever get to the point he was at - all based on letters and what he himself has told me. In fact, I have pretty much told him many of the things you say here, but at different times. I should print this and show it to him!

Nicely done, ark^^.

I frequently remind myself that as long as people in the world can justify committing suicide bombings, in comparison, justifying infidelity is "child's play" - literally!

WAT

Very well put ! Wonderful, outstanding, bravo,

OK OK enough I thought this was a 10! LOL

Always a pleasure to read from you , and you make my brain hurt cause you give me so much to think about . And YOU know how I hate thinking . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WORKING!! and I said WORKING... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

With traumatic head injuries...

and psyche patients....note the word WORKING again... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

the brain is astounding....even when seriously injured...

we here can get so caught up in how could they do this or do that...

cause we discount the brains unending ability to do this or that...and somehow make it "OK"..

it is not an excuse...but it is a fact...

that chemical/electrical gray matter between our ears is profoundly underestimated in its role and ability to have an affair......

although I secretly prefer the salivating alien theory.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ark

Ms Ark^^,

You have given me much to think about especially since there is a WS after my name. Did you sit up all night thinking about this or did you just go the computer this AM and say "Oh I think I have a little something for them today"?
H

ark, got any mental floss there?

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

hiker..

I actually posted pretty much this whole rambling soap box......to dt3girls last week....and surprisingly so...haven't heard a peep back from him since..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

and other WS whose soley driven by their frontal lobes also known as the takers...and can't commit to even fixing a thing...cause what if they are not happy in the end....because surely it is all about their happiness...atleast in their chemically driven brain....
that's all they can "see"


ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Nicely done, ark^^.

I frequently remind myself that as long as people in the world can justify committing suicide bombings, in comparison, justifying infidelity is "child's play" - literally!

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it's pretty bizarre to compare extramarital affairs to suicide bombings in any way. That's pretty out there.

I'm coming here to try and learn a thing or two. I'm in the throes of an affair. I guess that makes me the WS? I haven't reached all the "stages" that "ark" talks about I guess. I'm just trying to find solace and escape with another who's trying to find the same thing, and I'm trying to find out what the heck is wrong with that, seriously, if nobody knows about it.

Ark, are you a "WS" or a "BS"? Who are you anyway to make these pronouncements on how the mind of a straying spouse works?

Is this a place for judgment or for help? I am new here and want to understand.

I don't know if I want to stay married. I don't know if I want to give up what I have.

I just want to understand and to learn. It's a scary time.

and please, stop the suicide bomber talk. It's like Karen Hughes comparing pro-choicers to terrorists. It's just wrong.

Ark^^

Where is the soul located?

Pep

Originally posted by doobie:
I think it's pretty bizarre to compare extramarital affairs to suicide bombings in any way.

He didn't compare.... read more carefully.

Pep

doobie...

I'm just trying to find solace and escape with another who's trying to find the same thing, and I'm trying to find out what the heck is wrong with that, seriously, if nobody knows about it.

If you are here to convince people that as long as no one knows...then it is OK...save your energy...


I don't know if I want to stay married. I don't know if I want to give up what I have.

No one here can answer those questions for ya...

Who are you anyway to make these pronouncements on how the mind of a straying spouse works?

...isn't that what message boards are all about people's opinions...

I haven't reached all the "stages" that "ark" talks about I guess.

I'm just trying to find solace and escape with another

and you will seek and obtain those things no matter the price....and the price is yourself as well as your spouse....

as long as you get your solace and escape..

all is OK and fair...

even when others treat us unfairly..it doesn't excuse our own behavior...and we still need to define what we believe in and hold to true....
ARK

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Where is the soul located?

I don't know pep...

in all these years I've caught glimpses of it laying in a hospital bed....

it's a suck your breathe in moment...
and a pleasure to meet each time....

there is no doubt it is there though....
ark

Ark...

I'm sure you spent a great deal of energy and thought on this, but I gotta tell ya...

I just don't identify with most of it. I think it might very well represent a certain kind of affair, but the process for the "add-on" affair that I had was different.

Sure, from the 50,000 ft level, all affairs require the WS to bend their morality and create a rationale for their actions. I think we can agree on that.

In my case, I don't see the rest of it.

Low

Low - I tend to agree with you. Not one size fits all.

I think ark was speaking to the "justification" powers of our gray matter - which you seem to agree with and which motivated my suicide bomber comment.

For the record, that was not a comparison, but a bound that was meant to put in perspective that any thing less, including affairs, we shouldn't be surprised at.

WAT

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Ark,

That was truly profound.

Thanks for sharing that. I struggle against wandering and I needed a reminder of how deceptive it all is.

Thanks,

jg

Hey all. I was lurking, as I sometimes do, and found this topic very interesting. Basically, everything you said, ark, is exactly how my H described his A to me when he came home.

So yes, I am in recovery. H said once he stopped putting so much energy into his feelings for OW and justifying his actions, everything just melted away - his feelings for her, his rewriting of history, his lack of love for me.

It all came back very quickly and completely. The first crack I saw in his A creation was one day when he told me he had to put a lot of energy into loving her, and he remembers loving me was very easy and natural.

From there, his feelings for me flooded back, and his feelings for her grow more and more into nothingness. He doesn't feel compelled to contact her for any reason. He has no desire to see her, be with her, or anything. Of course we still go to MC, but I am hopeful for a full recovery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know our case is not like all, but I just wanted to tell you, ark, that you are right on the money for some A's.

Good job! And thank you for all the help and encouragement and time and everything you have given me over the past months. There are no words to say how many times your comments and replies lifted my spirits or made me feel hopeful. You rock!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ark...as a FWW I have to say that you understand the brain of the WS better than I did!!! It's amazing how I convinced myself that I "deserved" the happiness that I thought my A brought into my life. It's kind of scary thinking back now at how the brain can get so screwed up!! I never could understand before my A how a person could stay in an adulterous relationship for any length of time and still act as if they were doing nothing wrong...Guess what, I still don't understand!!! The only thing that has changed is that I can no longer say, "I would never do that"! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

doobie..If I may reply to you here on this thread, I'm sure that Arc won't mind. I was involved in an A for 11 months with an OM who is also married. I've been married for 23 years and yeah I guess things tend to get in a rut sometimes. My "thinking" was the same as yours. OM and I agreed at the start that this A was not going to break up our families. We were going to just "enjoy each other" for a time. BS!!! I thought the same as you that if no one gets hurt, what's the harm?

Everyone gets hurt!! In order to numb myself out during the A, I started drinking daily, popping narcotics as well as taking anti-depressants just so I didn't have to deal with what I was doing. As long as I didn't "think" about it, I was ok. I learned the hard way that you can't lead two lives with any sanity for very long. We all have a God-given concious and we may be able to suppress it for a while but eventually it will surface.

Sorry about the diversion here but...

Wait just a darn minute, Pep said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He didn't compare.... read more carefully </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A lonnnngggg time ago Ark^^ posted something where She mentioned Mr Ark^^

Now are you guys playing with my brain or what??? You must know by now how closely I hug the edge! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
H