See, Just J, I kind of make it sound like I've been brooding about this for a week. I haven't. It's very easy for me to stick my head in the sand. I can forget about things (e.g., bills) for long periods of time. I'm involved with some engrossing projects right now -- so I can forget about H. And then I start thinking about this again -- no resolution. It keeps going on.

I have to admit, resending PBL is probably the best way to get through if anything can. However, it involves me making myself vulnerable, once again -- and that's getting kind of old. Oh well ... perseverate, perseverate, perseverate...

bump for Just J. This disappeared on p.2 overnight. Busy day!

Nothing is a good answer. I like nothing. You might want to stick to "nothing" as your response.

As far as I'm concerned, that's what Plan B is for. To get you to the point where you get stirred up for all of five minutes when something happens -- and then you go back to your real life, which does not include this drama.

Yeah, I really like "nothing" as a response. Even better than the first one I posted.

And when the request comes again, you can do it again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Not that simple, J. He's likely to follow up with a phone call if I don't respond. Or getting his sons involved, which is anathema to me.

Also, he does have some legal rights ... although I think lawyers have to be consulted. I don't know.

But yes, I'd much rather just ignore this.

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Uhm.... so he follows up. So what? He calls? You don't answer. He gets sons involved? You ask them to stay out of it and remind them that you have an intermediary set up for this stuff. He goes to his attorney? You have an attorney for those communications.

This whole deal is just not your problem. Not in the slightest.

Ummmm...just got another email from him, saying he had received no reply. How do I know he won't just show up, or sneak around as in the past? You really think silence is better than your earlier suggestion?

I guess my question for you is do you consider yourself IN plan B or not...

ARK

As opposed to what, Ark? Yes, I sent Plan B letter, but he filed for D. Some of this stuff (his files, for example) are indisputably his -- but I don't want to communicate with him really, even on this. The lawyer doesn't want stuff moving about anyway, as far as joint possessions goes.

AM..

just trying to feel out where you are in this...i know you have posed that question directly and indirectly at times....

I am just gonna give my opinion that plan b in your case at this point solidifies/enables his ability to just brush past you...avoid conflict...play nicey nice in public.....and take your muteness as concentual termination....

AND
I am gonna give my opinion that no matter the alien form extroidanairre who postures in your peripheral...that YOU....YOU ALONE know the real man better than the OP....

AND
I am gonna give my opinion that you can't control him one way or the other...but the bible speaks of a time for all seasons.....

and that you should pray for clarity to know what season you are in.....to help guide you...

time to build up, a time to break down.
A time to dance, a time to mourn.
A time to cast away stones.A time to gather stones together.
To everything, turn, turn, turn.There is a season, turn, turn, turn.And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time of love, a time of hate.
A time of war, a time of peace.
A time you may embrace.A time to refrain from embracing....

(ok) that's really the BYRD'S version... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
not exactly the King James version.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wish you no more added anguish or disappointment....
I wish you no more rejection than has already been visited upon you...

I know without a doubt that you are stronger than I....(and even wiser for it is easy to sit on the east coast side and tell you what you should do or not do.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
but I know you are stronger because I could not keep my mouth shut...and as Pepper pointed out...that in itself may be all the proof needed to prove I don't know crappolla...

you are in my prayers...

ARK

So you are suggesting what, Ark? Seems the community is gradually accepting the fact that he is with a nutter, and that I'm history. His stock seems to be climbing again. I've lost. I don't think this is the behind-the-closed-doors reality -- but I'm out of touch; I have no idea.

Having a difficult day.

I am suggesting anti marriagebuilding plan B manuevers....in which you in your own words offer him a tow rope out....and try one last time to reach your husband....

akin to the scene in Terms of Endearment...where debra winger acknowledges that she knows her son is acting like a creepy teenage...but she also knows underneath all of that he is a good kid...that loves her...

and while I am not telling you to tell your husband that regardless of his actions you know he loves you.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I am telling you that you can reach out and tell him you KNOW him...the real him...and that you still believe in him...and you miss him...

but it's only advice am..
to me ...not speaking my peace...would make me escalate in to raving lunatic status...I can't handle being ignored...

even around here on these boards I hate being ingnored..!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> how sad is that...

so that is my advice...

you may have nothing to lose...

ark

Oh, nothing to lose. But I do think something like that is a question of timing.

I keep forgetting that there isn't just the A -- there was an escalating internet pornography/sexual addiction problem. I was told that H and OW were talking about it -- but I also know the nature of addictions. "Talking about it" is a stall.

There are a number of other simultaneous problems, internal crises. Honestly, as long as OW is in the picture -- and there isn't a visible break in the A -- I don't see any wriggle room for me. H will cling to the A to prove he's right, whatever its reality.

All of which sounds like a lost cause. So I keep stalling, stalling, stalling -- waiting for the moment when things might change directions. Perhaps it hasn't happened. Perhaps I missed it.

But right now, I've got this email to deal with. I know he thinks it's a reasonable request to get some of his files, CDs, etc. But this is all in the lawyer's court right now. And I keep wanting to stall...

One reason I don't want to communicate is I know I'll have trouble controlling my tongue. In that sense, silence really is golden. But it's also enabling.

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

How about an e-mail response that says:

Auto Response to STBX:

Refer all inquiries regarding division of assets to *&* Esq.

Refer all inquiries of a more personal nature to Plan B letter in your possession.

Auto Responder. Do Not Respond To This E-Mail.

Then, AMM, BLOCK his e-mail account.

Hey! What a concept! Not sure my lawyer would go for it...

And the winning vote goes to KAYLA ANDY!

Or kind of. My lawyer has asked me not to write anything down. So I just left a message at his out-of-town residence. He won't get it till tonight. Maybe I'll block more emails until then.

It combined the Just J and Kayla Andy message. I didn't want to refer him directly to my lawyer, as him talking to my lawyer all the time will run up bucks for me. But I said I didn't want to discuss this at this time -- as there are, against my wishes, lawyers in the picture now.

Not sure I should block emails permanently. I think my lawyer might like them. He's showing his hand, I'm not showing mine. But maybe for today.

Hi A.M.,

You seem to be doing well. I mean, considering what is happening in your life. You have come a long way from where you were when you first came here.

I hope you don't mind me asking a question.

Do you think there are things you can do to affect his wanting to come back? And if so, what do you think would matter most to him?

By now, you have studied MB methods and concepts. I wondered if you were asked the question, if it would perhaps spark some new thoughts, or at least thoughts from a different direction.

Perhaps this would be a better way to put it -
What would be the biggest obstacle to him coming back?

SS

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Oh so many. Pride. Vanity. The refusal to admit he was wrong. The needing to "prove" he was right. Needing to prove that he's in control, and that he never lost control -- a fantasy our community will support. Fascination with OW, though don't know how strong that is relative to the former considerations. Some part of him must know, deep down, that this thing is bad news. I doubt he will admit that even to himself. So how can I get to that part?

I'm sure he is projecting his craziness onto me -- like a drunk, who doesn't understand why his friends are withholding his own car keys from him, but doesn't see that he is staggering and cursing and vomiting. Almost anything I do will play into the projection of me as the "problem." Of me as "emotional" and "extreme." So I tend to feel all I can do is lay low till OW becomes an obvious "problem." She may already be, and perhaps he is trying to control that. Others avoid her -- she has a strange energy. But they are trying to put the best face on it.

Know one man who tried to date her -- it was too crazy for him after one evening to continue. If H can't see that, it may suggest things about his mental stability, too.

I'll keep looking for cracks, and hope they occur before the D is final.

Also, SS, it's relatively easy for me to stay silent. I fear my own tongue. I can be extremely caustic and *****y -- I don't know if I could control that in a conversation at this point. It wouldn't help.

I also know that in losing him, I may not be losing much. I'm trying to operate from the love I have had, and from a sort of selfless charity. It's not easy at this point, and I don't mean to make myself sound like a martyr! I know I'm the best chance for him -- once, he knew that, too. I am deeply concerned for his well-being.

Hi AM, I got your message today. I looked for your number, but since I've been cleaning for graduation...I'm sure it is in a safe place. And someday I will find it and the place will seem logical. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

aam,

I only want to repeat what I said on your latest thread.

Keep silent. Wise, and innocent. Don't feed into whatever.

Don't respond to the inquiry. The chips are falling. Maybe not as fast as one would want, but they ARE falling.

Praying for you. I am glad that it is relatively easy for you to be quiet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> You are great. And don't forget that.

Love in Christ,
Miss M