pal,

my prayers are with you. i don't have much more to add than that. if you know my story at all, you know i can relate too much. i confessed recently too.

i have not posted much lately. i've missed it, i've been feeling a bit too lost to be able to post, maybe i'll try to post more next week. but i have been reading, and my heart and prayers have been with you very much.

p&l, I applaud you for doing the right thing. Honesty is tough sometimes, but it is always the right thing to do. Just know that character does not come from being perfect, but in how we handle our shortcomings.

Like the others said, please, please, please answer all of his questions, holding nothing back. It will be tough, but it is better to get it over NOW in one fell swoop rather than letting details dribble out month after month.

If you don't get it all out now, it WILL come out in dribs and drabs and he will be put back to D-Day EVERY TIME a new shred of info comes out. He will hate you every time a new piece comes out. You will both die a death of a thousand cuts if you go this route. You can recover from ONE CUT, but you won't recover from SEVERAL. So brace yourself and get it ALL OUT there. This will also help restore the trust in your marriage.

you are all so wise...
It is from experience I know-
sometimes I think if I would
have been here while in EA-
I could have heard the screams
of wisdom to keep me from PA.
He would not meet friend I called.
He was mad at me about it. He wants
to be angry-I am telling him what
he wants-he needs space, but I
am here when he wants to talk-
what should he read first here?
is there a thread suggestion-
or just read Dr Harley home page
on infidelity? I am not even
sure what this means for my future.
I am enrolled in summer classes,
fulltime-I want my degree, but I
am not sure if he will continue to
support me-everything seems so
unsure. He has made threats...
I can't even reveal them-
He hates OM & said he can not
get images of him & I out of
his head...
---God give me strength---

PAL, please dont tell him how to feel or what he should be doing. Take things slow. He is still in shock. Dont push him to do anything and remember anything said NOW is just out of anger and not very rational at that. YOu are in for a few miserable months.

As far as sending him here. You could advise him to start his own thread...saying something like PAL's H...just found out about her A...Please help...or anything like that. We are here to help him and many of us are in his same boat right now. As are many in YOUR boat as well. hang in there.

You are such a sweetie, mom, with all you are going through you're still here helping out.

P&L, when my H found out I offered to stay home from work to talk as he had the day off anyway.

He said he needed space so I let him have that space. He said he would call his sister and I said that was a good idea. He did that and she was very supportive of him and me.

He was in total, total shock. It took about 2 days for the shock to subside and then the anger kicked in. He said some horrible things to me.

Look at us now P&L, a recovered couple with a much better marriage.

Hang in there, definitely bring him here.

Jenny

I have hope-
& I have all of you-
I just asked if he
wanted to read anything-
he said "nay"
he is watching TV-
I am here-
waiting for my
life to get better.

good for you PAL! stay here! Post, Post and post some more! Remember let him ahve his space. he sounds like he is doing just fine and so are you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I just emailed whiteknight-
he had horrible week last-
in hospital with stress related
problems.
This is so terrible for everyone.
I can't beleive I intentionally
hurt my H this way.
I was so addicted to OM-
I called him today-
to tell him my H knows-
he said his W knows as of
last week. He didn't even call
me to tell me that-
I hate myself for ever being
with him-he digusts me now-
& that is how my H thinks of me...

p&L, why are you still in contact with the OM?? That is going to destroy any chance you have of making your marriage work. You must tell your H about this and then offer to send a no contact letter to the OM. This is all hopeless if you don't end contact NOW. TODAY.

I did tell my H.
My H said he would call
OMW to let her know of PA if I
didn't. I didn't want my H
talking to OM or OMW-
I have not talked to OM for 2
months-it was horrible,
he makes me sick...

ok, gotcha. But how do you know his wife knows the whole story, much less ANY of the story? You only have his word that this happened. Maybe it would be a good idea to send her a letter just to make sure she knows?

I know I can't trust OM-
but he has some details
about me that I never want
my H to know- I don't want
to be a threat, I want it
to go away. He is in another
state-far far from me-so
there is NC & never will be.

P&L, I would ask you to reconsider keeping secrets with the OM that your H is not privy to. Your H needs to know it all, no matter how painful, in order to regain trust. The way he regains trust is when you no longer have secrets with the OM. Honesty is the solution to an affair, not more lying.

peaceandlove,

You did the right thing by telling your H. I know how much it hurts, I know how you feel right now, believe me, I do know what you are going through, if you can find my first thread you will see that I was terrified to tell my H. I was terrified of giving him the devastating news, I was terrified he wouldn't love me anymore, I was terrified he would kick me out. I was very much still addicted to OM at the time as well and I was terrified of what H was going to do to him.

As it turns out, H didn't do any of the above. Yes he was crushed, but he told me he still loved me and needed time to think. At first he wasn't sure either if he wanted to stay married or what he wanted at all. As time went by he became less angry and more loving and forgiving. He is now much more affectionate and attentive than he has been in all of our 11 years together. He tells me he loves me every day. He wants to make love to me still and I am so grateful for that. I was so scared he would never want to touch me again.

What I'm basically trying to say is that at the beginning it's horrifying and he will be hurt, angry, and may say and do mean things, but as time goes by things will get better. If your H really does love you he will slowly begin to forgive you if you do show you love him, that you are sorry and that you really show remorse, and admit that the A was the biggest mistake of your life. Be gentle with your H and make sure he knows that the A isn't his fault.

I can tell you from real experience that your M can survive this, even when it seems impossible or hopeless.

Love,
mrsx

PAL,

Listen to MelodyLane, she was very instrumental in helping me understand that witholding information from my H would destroy my marriage more than then telling the truth ever would.

The truth will probably hurt your H but if he has to find out anything about this A from anyone other than you I assure you that will hurt him a hundred times more.

mrsx

P&L

My W discovered the A on her own.
You are a courageous person to share with him the truth,
On the day she found out I was out of town she asked me not to come home...I came home to "face the music".Your way was better. I was already seeing a counselor, I called her to tell her of my W's discovery. The counselor said that W's "anger showed that she still loved me". I hung on those words for a long time because the words I was getting from my W were anything but love. I am lucky...she kept me. Those first days, weeks and months were very bad and then we had to revisit them a few times before we got to where we are today...but I must quickly add that I asked W if she were to post it on MB what where would she say we are in recovery...I am waiting for her answer before I post. I wish you the best in this terrible time...but these might be words of encouragement because today she:
kissed me,
hugged me
said "I love you" and
"do something about your hair before you leave"
we had dinner together
bought some mother's day cards
talked about all the junk we have to do this weekend.

Back when she had made the discovery I thought I would never see this day... you may feel that way too. You and your H can survive this... your M can survive it. I'll be thinking of you..
H

the only way I was
able to get out of
bed this morning-was
knowing what I would
read here-I am surviving-
1 day at a time-I can
not begin to tell all of
you how much your words
mean to me.
H-I never thought of
"anger is way of him
showwing he loves me"
he did say it last night-
I told him-I love you so
much-he said I love you too-
but I cant live with this-
it is too much-
I went to bed-I quit
posting-I think my
spirit is slowly dying-

What is dying off is the BAD PART, P&L. Now the good part will have a chance to grow. I know this feels like your darkest night, but it is the end of the bad and the start of the good. Your marriage was hopeless before, now you have a chance. This will get better!

One thing I learned early on was at the beginning instead of taking it One Day at a Time...take it One MINUTE at a time! Things change minute by minute in this situation. One minute you may feel like talking to a friend, the next not.

Your H still loves you, he said so himself. Take that as a Positive sign. Now do what you TWO need to do to make this marriage BETTER! once he gets past the shock of Discovering the A, you will be able to work on it together. We are all thinking of you PAL...keep your spirits high...you will make it thru this!

If any of you have ever read my A thread-
you know my secret-it was while on my trip-
my cousin, OM knows this. I begged him not to tell my H. It is the only thing I asked of him.
I know the danger in knowing OM could tell him, but I don't think they will ever talk, my H & OM.
Do I tell my H I was with my cousin-how sick, I
was so deep in my fog-I was not thinking-it was all about sex- & instant gratification. It is
so unbelievalbly embarassing-even typing it humiliates me.
pal