Thank you so much for your replies. This has been a hell-atious weekend so far and the ride isn't over.

I'm running scripts in mind in how to present this info about OW to my WH with the least amount of confrontation.
I think I've got it in my head enough I can pull it off. I will present the info and back off.
I will also attempt to remind him that I know he is a smart man and that odds he has already seen the signs that I am warning him about. I want him to know that I trust his judgement in this. (as much as I truly am scared)

Lord watch over my husband as he needs guidance. Help him find the way.

whitefeather....see if there are ways to logically seperate some of the issues...

1. do you believe that your financial resources are at risk...if so can you move to protect them....
what's yours is yours and remember that perceived lovedbusting and real lovebusting are two different things....

But if there is any chance that I can protect him in anyway I want to . . .even to the extent that it might throw us off course (hopefully not entirely)

I think that this is an issue that you while in plan A should be working on on your own...

you can't SAVE him...
you can't PROTECT him...
and nor should you...

NOW that does not mean I am saying don't tell him.....but I am saying the theme in this post is viewing your husband as a victim...AND protecting him from his actions and choices....

here they are...

My WH has got this HUGE heart and has throughout our lives given to many people that were in need. On occasion I have had to point out to him that he is being used, he doesn't generally see this until way past the normal person would see.

I want to protect and I don't want to blow it.

Not knowing anything or knowing something and wanting to save WH from being hurt.

these things can also play to your advantage...the more his role is only the protector and "savior"...the more his own needs will go unmet by her...
and eventually there will come the point where he won't be able to 'save' her anymore....

whitefeather....
the bigger picture of your recovered marriage is that you yourself can not be his protector and savior...

funny that he gets the whiteknight syndrome with her...and you sit at home whiteknighting him...

I am telling you this so that you can use this time in Plan a..to work on this issue within yourself...

that your motivation to protect yourself and marriage is seperate from protecting him from consequances....
if you go through all this and recovery with him and give him victim status...with no learning curve then you haven't gained a better marriage..just the same old same old..

I hope this makes sense...
read your own words...
pray for clarity...

ARK

I've been running this through my head all night and I do see a seperation of the OW and my WH and our marriage.

Admittingly, I wasn't thinking that the two are or should be seperate as you mentioned. I suppose I was thinking this out in steps and attempting to avoid mixing up the important issues with one another. So I see telling him what I know about her as two-fold. One is that he should know the full picture so he can make his own decisions how he wants to proceed. And secondly, I want him to know I know. And the later is probably not so important . . . I don't know, maybe it is. Initially I think I just want him to know its not as secret as he may think it is but I suppose another part of me finds knowing means that we are one more step away from lying or hiding. (and yes, I understand the lying doesnt stop here)

Arc - you made an excellent point that I did not see about myself. I AM playing the white knight too. Wow, I am.

Okay, I'm gonna get this info out to him the best that I can and back off of it from there. You are correct I cannot save him. He has to do that on his own. I feel pretty sure that our finances are safe, other than he is selling off his gun collection feveriously to support her. (another thing he doesnt' know I know)

I need to concentrate on me and doing the best I can in Plan A.

I so don't look forward to today. I'm gonna try to take off the white knight uniform as soon as I get this info out in the open.

I'm loosing so much weight, I need some new clothes anyway.

whitefeather -

I can see you are still in the place where you think you can reason with your WH. Don't expect too much.

I calmly told my WH some details about OW. She says the most important thing in the world to her is her 12 year old daughter, who she has completely abandoned. I told WH that I feel bad for daughter because mom never sees her. He told me that OW sees her all of the time. I told WH that OW's H says she sees daughter less than an hour a week. My WH defended OW.

Also OW has had 2 prior affairs with married men. When I told WH that, his response was that they don't talk about things like that.

So you can try laying it all out, but don't be surprised if he thinks it is all a lie.

Believer - you are right, I'm thinking reasoning will work . . . and I appreciate the tug of reality.

Generally, when we have had our heart to heart talks, if I say something I know he may not want to hear, he tends to tell me "I'll think about what you said". And at the time I hear him say that I'm thinking well he hasn't heard a word I said, he is just letting me ramble.

BUT "sometimes" in a few days later, he will bring up the topic on his own that he can see my point, agree with it, or sometimes he doesn't agree. But generally he does listen. He is a smart man and has a great ability to ponder. (I don't have the patience he has regarding this)
So no, I don't expect any great response from him.
But I am hoping that in a few days I will hear something from him. Thats all I can do, I suppose

Hopefully your WH will be different.

Mine may be thinking of the things I've mentioned about OW, but I see no signs in his actions. It just feels so strange, because I have always been very truthful to him. But still he believes her.

Oh well, I will not be worrying about it. It is out of my control.

I know what you mean about not getting signs. I will often after I've covered something offer a heartfelt, "did I make sense with this?" He generally give me a yeah or nah so I'll know whether to try again.

We just met for a few hours this afternoon. I spoke my piece. I expected him to be mad, he wasn't. He said he figured I was looking for info. Some of the stuff I told him, he said he knew. We didn't go line by line with it . . . he took what I had to say and had no questions.
I told him the information about how she has continually gone through several relationships and each time it appeared to end with lack of money was a flag to me that he is being used.
First husband in 6-8 month marriage they were 38k in debt. Present hubby took on 25K debt and a 40k vehicle (marriage lasted a little over a year)
There have been numerous men between the marriages and she tended to lean toward married men.
I told him an internet search will pop up the judgements she has against her and a civil suit she had also.

I told him he could use the informatin or not that all I wanted to do was to tell him of my concern since I have learned of her past.
I told him my initial reason was to get info to help me or us, but that I sadly found out the info really was only useful for him to take pause and consider what his relationship is with her.

Also OW hubby told me that on his home computer that things made more sense now as she was doing searches for property in our town (we live in different town) Come to find out she was seeking info on my WS and myself, such as what property we own, etc. I asked him why would anyone look up info on you prior to going into an affair?
He said , he remembered her saying early in their relationship she knew all about him. And he thought it was a strange comment.

Hopefully I have given him some food for thought. I won't bring it up again.

He did state that part of his knowing that I was searching for where they were at is that I called her mom asking for her (I didn't know have a number so I was calling all people with the same last name) . He said the mom was concerned and thought I was going to do something violent. So he tells me I scared this little old lady.
I lost it a bit. I told him I didn't do anything to this woman, her daughter is the one that is seeing a married man and it is her daughter that has done this to her, not me.
Oddly enough he nodded and agreed and didn't push my anger any further.


Well, this is lengthy but would love ya'lls take on this. I think I did okay. I didn't pursue any further talk. I just gave the info and told him he could do with it however he wants but that I hoped he would seriously look at what I said.

Hi Whitefeather, just picked up on this thread. Isn't it amazing how you felt your independence was such a strong point at one time in your relationship, possibly the thing that attracted WH to you, and now he is being taken in by this needy, desperate, bloodsucker of a woman!! Mine is the same. Always prided myself on not being too needy. Now he is besotted by a clingy, sad woman. She needs him so badly. We need him to but I don't cry and make a scene. She does. He seems to love it. Incidentally, enjoy the weight loss but take care of yourself too.

Yes, it is very noticable in our conversations now. In one breath he speaks of the pleasure of being needed and in the next he'll tell me I have always been confident and sure of myself.

He perceives me as a very strong person, even with this A. I certainly don't feel like it.