rdl:

Thank you for taking the time to offer advice about my crazy situation. In return let me say that I don't think anyone should seek revenge on any OM or OW. It simply is not worth it to spend the time and effort thinking about OP and taking the time trying to harm them and ruin their life. In addition, it simply can't possibly make anyone feel any better. Someonetimes I wonder what joy my OW and her H can possibly get out of the fact that they lied to the police, lied to judges, lied to others about me, tried to ruin my business, etc. I mean, I NEVER went out of my way to harm them or anyone else. I am not saying they shoikd be Ghandi; but a little forgiveness and forgetting would be nice! Especially since I had a willing partner in the A. The OW! Is she hppy that all this is happenining to me? Would she laugh to know I (I very, very, very healthy gentleman) was brought to the ER because of repeated seizures that were either brought on by stress or the anti-Ds I was taking because of all the trouble she was causing me? I, for one, could feel no joy in knowing I was associated with causing such ugliness to another person's life. I would prefer looking back on my life knowing I did what I could to have people think GOOD things about me.

Interestingly, even though I do not have a sense of REVENGE, I do have a strong sense of JUSTICE, which I think I am entitled to more than others here at MB. After all, I think everyone should agree that someone, somehow needs to make it clear to OW and OWH that they just can't get away with doing the tings they have done. If and whe all this is dropped somehow or settled in some way, it would be nice to take my own legal action against them, or do something else (legal!) to straighten them out. But on the other hand, I just want to leave them behind me. I have a love in my life and so much to look forward to, and their lives are filled with ugliness. They have little else in their life but to focus on ME as the cause of their misery, and so --- isn't that REVENGE and JUSTICE in itself? Heck, there is hell to pay for that they've done and they picked up the bill for me! I should send them a thank you card.

Do yourself a favor, focus on YOU and your wonderful wife. OM is just a footnote in the book of your life. He means nothing. He is not there and he won't return. Don't sweat it, man. You've got a gold mine that's worth a fortune. Don't worry about the misc stones an dirt that get on your shoes. You've got to move on and find your treasure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

whitenight1,
you are right. my focus must be on my W & me. any other pursuit is distracting and would let OM know that i'm not strong enough to work past this. besides, the silence is deafening! i have no doubts about where i want to be & who i want to be with. i just need time to clear my head of the initial shock of the A and put it in it's place, as a memory of a mistake made and forgiven and a point at which our marriage went to a new level of couple love. God willing, we will share so much in the future that this episode will not have any more negative impact on us. i am looking forward to that time with all my heart! to all who wait patiently for true healing, God bless.

hello out there,
it's been almost 2 weeks since D-Day. i hear all of you say it takes time and to be patient, but i feel down much of the time. my W has been my greatest allie in this mess. i feel her regret for this and trust her completely. she has been carrying it for 6 months and feels better i can tell. it is so new for me still. on one side i am hopeful for the future, on the other side i am in pain about A. i want to be better for her and i. so how do i get there from here. how do i get my self-esteem and confidence back? how do i get past this feeling of inadaquacy? don't get me wrong, she has been building me up and trying to reassure me i am all she needs in a man. but i'm in such a state of mind that any positive reinforcement gets sort of overshadowed by my thoughts. i know its part of the healing process as i have been told, but i need some good news to help the process along. i thought about starting a new thread to go along with moving from discovery to the start of recovery but maybe i'm not out of the "discovery" part yet. so much on my mind, hard to sort it all out. what if i have questions still? i hate to pain her by asking more about A. she's been wonderful for me. i could not make it without her! any advice would be most appreciated. we both need prayer & support. i am ever hopeful! thank you all!

renewingdeeplove,

thanks for sharing your story here. it helps me to hear how you are doing as it gives me possible insight as to how my H is doing. I confessed to him this past march.

i am glad to see you and pal working on this together. all the best.

Hey, my friends. Sorry I have been gone for so long. The last 3-4 weeks have been a nightmare. I am a young guy, I have always been healthy and ate well, and I am not bad looking. At least once a month someone tells me I look like Johnny Depp or Christian Slater. I have always worked hard and smiled and laughed, and to have these health issues suddenly thrust upon me has been a lot to handle. What bothers me most is that I have not been able to meet some of my obligations such as work and keeping in touch with friends and people who count on me and keeping in touch with my friends at MB. I hope you are both doing well. You both deserve the best.

In some ways, some people might consider coming to MB as a negative experience because of all the horrible stories here, but I actually see it as a very uplifting and positive experience. Here's why. Yes, I have run into my share of negative people in my life and people who cared about nothing and even my share of mean people, but I never in my whole life thought I would get involved with another woman who could tell me she loved me every day and how much she wanted to change her life for me, and when I broke up with her she could turn into such a vindictive animal! To think she could be out for such blood and try to ruin my life just because of a simple break up, and to think that OWH would play along just because I banged his W (as if she had nothing to do with it!) is quite amazing to me. And I will admit that I lost a lot of faith in humanity while all this has happened to me.

But then I came here and saw so many people on their eternal quest for GOODNESS. And it reminded me of who I was and who I want to be and what so many people are capable of --- in a good way.

Religioun DOES NOT have the market cornored on morality. Religion has nothing to do with people being mean or kind. Either people are or they are not. And I learned a lot about the power of forgiveness here and it makes me feel ABOVE OW and OWH when I "forgive" them for what they have done for me. I don't wish them harm or anything horrible. I feel like John Denver in his song LOOKING FOR SPACE. I'm just trying to find myself and concentrate on the good things in life.

Simply put, OW and OWH are losers. For them to take so much time out of their lives to hate me and to try to do me harm proves what losers they are. They can drop their legal actions and the rest of their intentional acts of misery at any time, but they refuse to. They would rather focus their time and energy and hatred at me, than FIX what is wrong with their lives. I am their scapegoat. It makes their lives easier. They are using me.

I just want to move on and forget they exist, but they won't let me. They won't let it go. And they have affected my life as a result. I am ashamed to say how emotionally and physically sick they have made me. Yes, plenty of people can say that I LET THEM affect me, and normally I would agree with that. But let's all be honest, shall we? Who in the world could not be affected by suddenly having legal problems, etc? It's a nightmare and I can't wait until it's over.

I am happy to read about you guys. You two deserve happiness. Everyone here does. Don't let the OP get you down. Don't even give them a thought!

When I look at my wife who is so honestly good and truly great and think about what I could have lost just for a very pretty face and saliva drenched blow jobs at the snap of my fingers, I am truly sick. I am sick!

There is nothing more alarming that thinking you have a friend and then seeing their true colors. I have seen OW true colors and I am horrified.

On that note, I have seen what my W is made of, and it's the best stuff on earth. She deserves the best. She deserves better than me. There isn't too much I can't or won't do for her. She saved my life two weeks ago when I had seizures and stopped breathing and turned blue and called 911 and had me brought to the ER. Then again, she has saved my life in more ways than that. She gives me something to live for and something to look forward to.

Once again, I hope you two are doing well. I know this is a rough time for both of you, but time will tell where the true magic lies. And the true magic is in your hearts. Bring out as much as you can. And for what you can't, the other will bring out for you.

Good luck, my friends!

WK

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: whiteknight1 ]</small>

hello to anyone with advice,
it's been some time since my last post and any replies. i'm concerned about my W emailing with another WS about "stuff" concerning the A. she says it's part of her process and she tells him things she can't tell me. maybe i'm paranoid but how do we move forward if there are still secrets being kept? i don't want to push or smother her, but i don't know how to deal with this. she says she is here to stay and much wiser than before. she will never be vulnerable to anyone again. but as long as she opens up to anyone else but me how will i know the truth? any advice anyone has would be appreciated as many of you have been here before.
thank you so much,RDL

RDL,

A FWW here, and I agree with your suspicions. "Part of the process" is not discussing "stuff" from the A with the OM (is that who she is e-mailing-little confused there?), "part of the process" is learning to completely, openly, honestly communicate with your BS to save your M, and protect it from future A. I am new here, so someone else jump in if I am off track. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When I first got to this site I read something that the BS is supposed to send to the WS to read. I do not remember where the link is to it. I think it was called "Joseph's Letter" (not sure, it was definetly " someone's Letter" It helped me understand that I (WW) have all the pieces to the puzzle and I am expecting my BH to put this same puzzle together without all the pieces. Someone help RDL find this link!

Rdl, read it and see if BS will read it and understand better. Wish I could give you more/better advice. I will pray. xoxo

hi renewingdeeplove,

is the other WS someone from here??? i have not seen either of you posting lately (not that means anything, i can get too caught up in myself!!!)

i think you need to seriously talk to her, remember POJA. if you are not comfortable with her emailing this other WS (and a WH to be exact, right?) then she should not do it. i can understand her needing to have an outlet besides you but that outlet should not be another male!! is she in IC at all??

ideally totally openning up to you is the way to be. continue to do anything you can to help her feel safe and comfortable with openning up to you but DO NOT ignore your own feelings. she needs to understand this is hurting your ability to heal and she needs to act on that understanding and honor your request that she does not email this person privately. why is she not posting here??? the support here is wonderful.

all the best

Hey, man, I totally understand your suspicions, but you don't have to sweat it too much. In a situation like we are all in, sometimes we all just need an outlet to let off some steam and vent and say things we don't always mean and want to get some feedback. I'm sure you have sat back and spoken to some people about your situaion and you did not go back and tell your W everything you said during the conversation and W did not freak out on you, right? Let her tell you who she is chatting with. That might not be a big deal.

Remember, all of us here are so hurt, even the WS, that the last thing any of US want to do is get involved with someone else again!

I am telling you straight on, I am a FWS and a chick can come on to me right now, and bring on the whole "mac flurry" of sex talk and sexual devices and strip naked and beg me to bang her, and I am running the other way! I think a lot of other WS are the same way. We are looking to recover, we're not looking for the "next victim" or whatever. We want to heal.

If we are here, we want to make things work, fast, painlessly. More importantly, we want to help others and "give back" and equal amount of what we have "taken."

Your W is hurt. She is confused. She is letting off steam. The internet has changed lives. She has a friend she'll probably never meet. Sometimes that can be the best friend in the world. The friend has a special kind of advice to offer because there is no personal stake in the matter.

I have chatted with your W here. She is smart and clever and interested in YOU. She is interested in making the Marriage work. The last thing your W is doing is chatting with someone just in hopes that is might lead somewhere romantic or whatever. She is gathering tools to build your M. And I --- and others --- are here to help her and you in any way we can.

Best of luck to both of you, my friends.

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight1 ]</small>

thanks for the replies,
momof3bychoice, her email person is not OM, but a FWS already on here. they struck up a friendship here and email back and forth. your puzzle analogy is right on the mark. i still am looking for all the pieces. i would like to find that letter you refered to. thanks again.
finallylearning, what are POJA and IC? i'm still new at this. of course i want to be the one she opens up to. but she makes that choice not me. there must be some very deep and painful things still unsaid. i can only guess and wonder. it is a bit unnerving that someone else knows things by her choice and not me. i hope and pray for strength and guidance. in time maybe i'll be able to understand everything better. i just want to be everything she needs me to be for her. i have times when i wonder if i can fulfill that. it's easy to have doubts sometimes. i don't know why she isn't posting here lately. i will encourage her to. she is busy with college courses online and maybe her email chats are enough for her right now. thanks again.
whitenight1, i never was concerned about the intentions of the emails you two share, just the fact that she gets to unload some of her burden to you and i am left to guess and wonder what else she needs to let out. i'm still here and looking for anything to help me through this. if emailing you is helping her then i should be glad about it. but it is hard to heal when i know she has more to say but can't say it to me. as for me telling anyone about our situation, i have not told anyone. the only ones i speak to about this are the very few that already knew. besides, i would not and have not spoken badly of her to anyone. she has nothing to fear from my talking to others about this. i however, am still a raw nerve, and get concerned that i'm missing pieces to this puzzle that i need for healing. meanwhile, i'll be patient for her to open up to me with whatever is on her mind. deep down she knows it's the only way we can eventually heal the hurt and grow beyond the past and be better than before. i cannot push her to this or i would risk smothering her, and that would be bad. patience is a virtue.
speaking of patience, when do you drop the weight you are carrying and tell your W the truth?
better to hear it from you than from OW or OWH or someone else close to the situation. perhaps after that takes place your point of view may change a little. your W will be where i am now and will be looking to you for answers. think about it awhile. thanks for the responce and pray for strength and guidance and God's will.
once again, thank you all!

Joseph's letter can be found at:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html

i'm sorry i have not posted sooner. i can imagine you are in much pain right now. i'm having a very hard morning here myself due to my own situation. i just wanted to explain why i didn't respond sooner.

POJA is policy of joint agreement. you can find info under basic concepts on the home page. here is a link directly to POJA

IC stands for individual counsoling.

you are right, only she can choose to open up to you or not, but keep in mind, you can help her feel safer to do so. i don't mean physically safe, but emotionally safe.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it is a bit unnerving that someone else knows things by her choice and not me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm sure it is!!! which leads me to the other thing you must do, in a loving way, let her understand how her actions are impacting you. don't keep it to yourself!!! she must understand how you feel at all times. the key is to communicate to her WITHOUT any LBs (love busters). no yelling, no disrespectful stmts, no manipulative actions, just make it clear how you feel about it all. and if she does not respond to you by changing her actions, make it clear as to how that makes you feel.

i'm sorry you are in such pain. Keep looking to God for strength.

fyi(for your infomation): i didn't want to respond to whiteknight in your post because i am afraid it would end up being so ugly. but i do want you to know that i think his behaviour and specifically his response to you is disgusting!

Hi RDL,

You are early in this recovery process, as is your FWW. There is lots to learn not only for recovering your marriage, but also how to "affair-proof" your marriage NOW and in the future.

Please, please, please read Harley's free info on this website regarding what your FWW can be doing to PROVE that she is now trustworthy!

I see huge red flags with your FWW "privately" getting advice/support that is kept from you. The huge red flags started waving when you said that the "private" correspondence is the ONLY thing she has for.

Some questions....

Is it a WS or a FWS?

Has the FWS disclosed the affair to his spouse?

Is the FWS in a recovery program?

Is the FWS aware that you are uncomfortable with the private correspondence? If so, does the FWS care? Or is it rationalized?

Why is it more beneficial for FWW to correspond privately with one FWS instead of posting at MB where she can get advice/support from many people who have already recovered their marriages?

Please, please, please RDL---PLEASE start a new thread asking for the wise and experienced MBers to help you and your FWW with this issue. Since you two are early in this recovery process, your FWW might not be aware of things that are her responsibility to learn if she wants to recover the marriage. I highly doubt she will learn those things corresponding privately with ONE FWS.

Take care RDL--and ask for help from the wise and experienced, they are great!

whiteknight is the WS communicating with pal. He states he is a FWS and by that he means he is not seeing the OP anymore, however, he has not yet confessed the A to his W so I am not really sure he can state he is a FWS. as far as his wife is concerned, he is still lying to her.

Thanks for the info FL. I suspected this BEFORE pal's absence from MB. I suspected that WK might be interested in "wandering" with PAL. I worried when PAL posted less and less here, and suspected that WK was corresponding more and more with her privately. PAL is early in the recovery process, therefore she is also vulnerable.

I'm so so so so glad that RDL posted about this!

RDL, please read the thread started by FinallyLearning. The title is WHITEKNIGHT PLEASE READ.

Take care

lovingLovingBoundaries,

thanks for taking an interest in this situation too!!! i really have my hands full right now (ok, i know we all do!!!). I was afraid it would go unnoticed, i had to do something to make it more visible.

Uh, HELLO! Anyone who wants to e-mail me directly and ***** about my "assumed" behavior is certainly welcome to. Scream your head off at me here or via my e-mail anytime you want --- but make sure you have your facts straight ahead of time.

My post was not meant to be misleading in anyway, or covering my butt or anything. In fact, when I read it I thought, "Oh, who is she e-mailing?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If you read RDL's latest post, he KNOWS his W and I have e-mailed each other. He knows we are friendy and have helped each other. It is no secret Guess, what? I don't care who read our e-mails. Truth be told, because PAL is relatively new here, the're mostly me re-hashing things I said here months ago. For the sake of those of us who come here a lot, and who know me, I don't want to be repetitive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I DO admit that it is a coincidence that she and I both stopped posting as much as we used to here. Want to know something? Sometimes I wonder where the heck she is? She doesn't get back to me either? I wish she would come here more. But we all know the REAL reasons why she and I are not around as much as we used to be. She has been busy with school, and for crying out loud I was in the hospital and since I have been home I have been heavily medicated and recovering. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

If anyone dares think I would "wander" with PAL when she is married and I am married, and I can barely walk because I am loaded up on so much Dilantin and Depakot, and she and I are both so shaken up over our seperate A, then I ask that you kindly show a little bit more respect for us --- and other FWS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

PAL isn't the only one I communicate privately with. Maybe all of us should be stoned to death.

Want to know something? Until a month or so ago, I was still thinking about all the sex I had with OW. A lot of the other WS I communicate with privately felt the same way I did. It didn;t mean we did not wan to work things out with our S, it didn't mean we didn't love them, but some things are harder to get over --- especially when we have to keep our thoughts about them bottled up deep inside.

We all knew this MB is hardly the forum to talk about phone sex, masterbation, swallowing, oral sex, whips, handcuffs, etc. A lot of us did things with OP that we never did with S. I for one do not think those are things an WS needs to tells BS about. Haven't they been hurt enough? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know we were wrong for having A. But we did. And we did a lot of things that appealed to certain needsa back then, and maybe we'll get our S to go along with things we did, that we might miss, and maybe we won't. A lot goes through our minds. We need to vent in a way privately that we just can't vent here.

Those types of discussions are essentially over for me now. I don't think about OW stripping naked in my can and going down on me anymore, and other things W would never do. But I probably would if I didn not have the opportunity to vent about them, and get some advice, etc. I had to get them out of my system with others who would understand.

Sorry I did not step on a soap box and do it in the middle of Central Park; but a lot of others here have helped me, and I have helped them. There is no real right or wrong in communicating with anyone else here --- unless we step over the boundaries; and none of us have done so, and do not intend to.

We do not want to lose what we already have.

OK, so now I look like some pervert who just talks about all the sex I miss, etc. but that's really not true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I was just using the above as an example. PAL and I are friends. If she and RDL want us to never chat privatly again, I will respect that in a second and a half. No questions asked. But no one needs to jump down my throat or hers simply because we exchanged a handful of e-mails. We're not the first, and we won't be the last. Marriages come before our friendships. No doubt about that. But individual judgement calls are more important than blanket statements like "no FWS should ever e-mail other FWS ever!" That's just silly.

Unless someone has some evidence I don't have. If so, please clue me in, because maybe I have a lot to learn. If two former drug addicts become frineds, do they both start doing drugs again? Does every former alcoholic who becomes friends with another former alcoholic become an alcoholic again? Do former criminals who become frineds go out and commit crimes together? I don't know the answer to these questions. Maybe I'm wrong about all I wrong. Please correct me if anyone has some insight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

To date, I have yet to do go out of my way to do anything to harm anyone else in my life. I look at the big picture. When I had an A, I was under the understand that OW was seperated and getting a divorce. I considered getting a divorce for a short while. I was lost and dazed and confused and in a fog. But I NEVER tried to her OWH or OW kids or her family or mine. They weren't even thoughts in my head.

Now I know better. I think of everyone involved, and all who can be hurt by my actions. Give me the word, RDL amd I will block PAL's e-mailS from coming through and I wil delete her from my address book. But honestly, our e-mails would probably bore the hell out of most people.

By the way, very little of this poSt was directed at RDL, since he stated that he knew about our e-mails and was not bothered by them. Here it is, for those who missed it:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> whitenight1, i never was concerned about the intentions of the emails you two share, just the fact that she gets to unload some of her burden to you and i am left to guess and wonder what else she needs to let out. i'm still here and looking for anything to help me through this. if emailing you is helping her then i should be glad about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm here, and I'll answer any questions anyone has, anytime, without violating anyone's trust. Chill, my friends. Chill. We can't be suspicious of everything our S do the rest of our lives. If so, why even bother moving forward with S? Trust can be recovered again. Look around you on MB. Proof of that is everywhere around us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

whiteknight...I hear you on the subject of needing to talking about somethings that can't be shared on MB....too intimate. I have a very special friend here that I have shared a e-mail friendship with as well. I am personally terrified of ever having a close "friend" relationship with someone of the opposite sex again. I don't trust myself!! I still feel very "needy" at times and truly don't think that I'm ready for that. I believe that you and I are alike in some ways. There are some things that were missing from our marriages that will always be missing. Venting these things with someone who's been there is very helpful.

Just please be very careful and I don't mean to sound condescending in any way. I think that we all realize one thing now as FWS's. We are very vulnerable and unfortunately do not always think with our brains!!!!!

WK.

Regardless of weather or not PALS H suspects anything or not, it obviously is bothering him. That should be enough for you to knock it off!

Block her emails and chats.

She needs to be talking to him about this mess........NOT YOU.

If she needs support, she can do the same as her H and come here for it.

I know it would pi$$ me off bigtime if my WH was emailing a woman and spilling his guts to her instead of me, especcialy a WW.

I know you thought you were doing the right thing by offering private support to PAL, but as I stated its her H that should be giving her that support, and its her H she should be discussing the A with and answering any ? he has with radical honesty. She is in no position to withold one single thing from him.

Oh yeah, speaking of which........

When are you going to fess up to YOUR BW?
Hope your health continues to improve, keep posting as we missed your input.

Take care
mtheart.

Hi WhiteKnight,

I'm sorry you are offended, my posts were out of concern about a common pitfall for newly recovering couples. The words I used were "suspect" and "red flags" and "red flags waving". I don't have facts, just concerns.

Turns out RDL has concerns too, except the difference is that he is ENTITLED to the facts, facts that YOU have and he DOESN'T. In recovery, it is recommended that you share these intimate things with your spouse and together you POJA about whether it will be shared with others. RDL is entitled to be FIRST, not last. RDL is entitled to know the MOST, not the least. RDL is entitled to POJA with PAL about these things.

You said:
"If anyone dares think I would "wander" with PAL when she is married and I am married"

You had an affair while married, with someone who was married. I didn't dare think that--you told me.

You said:
"It didn;t mean we did not wan to work things out with our S, it didn't mean we didn't love them, but some things are harder to get over --- especially when we have to keep our thoughts about them bottled up deep inside."

The difference I see is this: PAL doesn't have to keep it bottled up, she has confessed to RDL and has him to help her get through it while she helps RDL through it too. You don't have to keep it bottled up either, you could tell your BS just as PAL told RDL.

You said:
"We all knew this MB is hardly the forum to talk about phone sex, masterbation, swallowing, oral sex, whips, handcuffs, etc. A lot of us did things with OP that we never did with S."

The person to talk to about this is the spouse. The two recovering spouses can then POJA if it can be talked about with others, and who those others can be.

You said:
"I for one do not think those are things an WS needs to tells BS about."

That is not for you to decide, that is for RDL to decide for himself. It is also for RDL to decide if he wants YOU to know intimate details about PAL's affair sex details.

You said:
"I had to get them out of my system with others who would understand."

There are many cheater forums DESIGNED for this purpose and they would understand too. Why use PAL's time and attention when she is early in the marriage recovery process and needs time and attention with RDL?

You said:
"There is no real right or wrong in communicating with anyone else here --- unless we step over the boundaries"

I agree. Do you know what RDL and PAL's marital boundaries are? Not the boundaries you think they should have, the boundaries they do have.

You said:
"Does every former alcoholic who becomes friends with another former alcoholic become an alcoholic again?"

It is advised that newly recovering alcoholics hang out with recovering alcoholics who are strong in their recovery program. Otherwise, relapse is frequent. Do you see my concern now? PAL is early in recovery and you haven't yet confessed to your wife. Btw, AA also discourages newly recovering alcoholics from getting opposite sex sponsors for the obvious reasons. Do you see my concern now? Your correspondence with PAL involves a much more intimate subject than the ones between an AA person and their sponsor.

You said:
"We can't be suspicious of everything our S do the rest of our lives."

We won't be if our FWSs do their part to restore trust which includes being open and honest about themselves and their doings.

You said:
"and for crying out loud I was in the hospital and since I have been home I have been heavily medicated and recovering"

I am impressed with your writing skills. I can't write when I'm tired--I'd hate to see how I thought and wrote if I was heavily medicated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />