whiteknight,

i read RDLs words that you quoted and conclude that he is NOT comfortable with what is going on. do you need it spelled out more.

will you or will you not tell RLD (and the rest of us) that you will stop all outside communication with pal?

you also did not respond to the question of when are you going to tell your wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she and I are both so shaken up over our seperate A, then I ask that you kindly show a little bit more respect for us --- and other FWS! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are shaken up??? keep in mind, i AM a FWS too. and i do understand how this shakes up our lives too. BUT it is the BSs that are the INNOCENT victims, remember??

i hope you start to show RDL and your W some of that respect you feel you deserve.

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am impressed with your writing skills. I can't write when I'm tired--I'd hate to see how I thought and wrote if I was heavily medicated </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you believe it took me about 1/2 hour to write my post! Not only can't I think straight, but the side effects are awful. My right arm itches terrible, even though there is no rash. It's burning. Real horrible. The Dr. thinks it's an allergic reaction to the Dilantin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think I need to check into a sci-fi movie and get a new body and bain. I'll keep my eyes and lips. I like those. My nose is ok too. Other than that, I am useless.

Okeedokey. Everyone here is right. I was wrong --- but let's all be clear on this ... my intentions were good.

So .. Let's get PAL back on these boards. I know she's busy, but she needs to see recovery as a job or a class. She's gotta show up. And take it easy on her, please. She's bright and deserves to be treated with respect.

As for why I have yet to tell W --- remember my excuse is pretty darn valid --- I am in such bad shape and lose focus, etc. that I am still in no state to have such a discussion. My Dr. keeps giving me memory tests. They sort of go like this: "Remember these words: earth, penny, table. Spell Garbage backwards. Spell Television backwards. Who is the president of the U.S.? Who is he Governor of NYC? What year is is? What were the words I asked you to remember?" I do good on everything except remembering those darn words! Heck, maybe anyone would. I don't know. But my memory does suck lately.

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight1 ]</small>

WK said:
"Okeedokey. Everyone here is right. I was wrong --- but let's all be clear on this ... my intentions were good"

I posted to RDL because I thought PAL's intentions were probably good, but that she and RDL were too early in their recovery process to know that this is dangerous ground. I'm glad to hear that your intentions were good too.

If there's one thing I've learned from the MB info pages and discussion forums, it's that many, many, many affairs start with good intentions--followed by EA or PA, or both, if steps are not taken to safeguard.

I didn't want to see PAL's and RDL's recovery hindered or thwarted while they are early in the process by something they haven't learned about yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've read your posts, followed your story and must say that I have enjoyed your honesty and forthrightness.

However I must point out that an excuse is still an excuse. The sooner you get this off your chest the sooner you will start to feel better.

She deserves to know and you know it.

Until you tell her, you are lying to her.

As long as you are lying to her, you are still betraying her.

How can you hope for recovery or peace while this continues?

You could justify remaining silent indefinately. It's so easy you can do it without thinking about it. But it will still be there, making you sick inside.


dewt

dewt:

I am sick over my A every day of my life. Every minute. PAL once wrote smething that really hit me hard. She wrote somtething to the effect of, "I cna't tell him. It will CHANGE him." My gosh, when I read that it hit me like a punch in my stomach. I feel the same way. My W will be changed forever. She is so quiet and sweet and good. What a nightmare it will be to ruin her.

Funny thing is, PAL's next post was that she told her H! And the amazing thing is, how cool he has been, so mature, so wise, so confident in the M, so wiling to make things work.

So everyone here can enjoy ramming THAT down my throat. I KNOW I am discounting my W. She is better than I think. It's just so hard. We all know this. It'll be quite a day.

Who looks forward to that? WHO wants to hurt someone they love? I already feel like garbage. I already know W deserves better than me. She is sleeping on the couch right now and her face is so pretty and I would just drain all the blood out of my body and give it to her. I would run into a burning building to save her. I would jump off a building if it would save her life. If she ever went blind, I would give her my eyes if it would save her sight. Name it and I will do it.

Sadly, after all I have been going through with OW; how easily she has turned on me, and how much people have told me how H and W turn on each other during divorces, etc. it makes me wonder what I really have. How does anyone really know?

What if I tell W and she punches me in the face and then does what OW did? I can get into a lot of trouble if someone else accuses me of something NOW, while legal matters are still up in the air. What if W emptioes bank accounts, and kicks me out? I love W. I am quite certain she loves me.

But OW has made me gun shy.

Maybe that is what I am afraid of. What if I am betrayed again? What if I lose everyone and everything?

Maybe I am going nuts here. Maybe I need a witch doctor to make me some secret potion to cure me of paranoia. Maybe I am so upset about not knowing WHO I was last year, and WHO I was with, that I am now wondering IF my W will forgive me. What if she doesn't?

Right now I am good. Right now I am a hero. Right now I am worthy of sympathy. Once I tell her, I am a grub. I am not worthy of oxygen. What if she tells her best friends and family? How do I earn back anyone's respect. No doubt, they WILL never forget. Once you know something, you can't UNknow it. How do I ask her to keep it to herself? She doens't have the personality to come here. She is quiet as a mouse. She'll cry. She'll be like an anmal that plays dead. She'll be motionless. I don't want to see her cry. I don't want to cause her any more pan than she has already gone through.

Want to know something else? In some ways, I am NOT telling W because I don't want OW to "win." In some ways I think OW is doing all she is doing in hopes that it will be obvious that I had an A. And that would destroy my M and freak out my W. After all, why in the world would anyone do things like this against someone else unless they HATED that person or LOVED that person. W knows that OW had no reason to ever hate me. We were friends. I tried to help her. W knows OW was in live with me, and that is why I "broke off the friendship." But either way --- it looks rather peculiar, eh?

So I've got my reasons and excuses, it's true. And yes, I can keep them going for years. I know I've got to push them aside, but emotions are high, and my thoughts travel a zillion miles per hour through my head about so many things.

Telling W or not telling W --- neither way is the easy way out. Neither one will let the moon light shine upon me. Either way, I am surrounded by a lot of darkness.

I do want my life back. I want my honesty back. I want my heart in one place. I know the answer. Tell W. Easier said than done.

Whiteknight I have just one thing to say.

Your wife, presumably, is the woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.

Give her some credit. Are you going to be equal partners till you're old or are you going to protect her from "life" forever.

I really don't think you're giving her any credit at all. Of course she'll cry, my husband cried and I've only seen him cry a couple of times in his life - and that was when his parents died. At least I gave him the opportunity to have a say in his own life.

I get incredibly p'd off that you married her and you won't even let her be your equal partner.

Jenny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whiteknight1:
<strong> dewt:

I already know W deserves better than me. She is sleeping on the couch right now and her face is so pretty and I would just drain all the blood out of my body and give it to her. I would run into a burning building to save her. I would jump off a building if it would save her life. If she ever went blind, I would give her my eyes if it would save her sight. Name it and I will do it.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, it's not so much that your wife deserves 'better than' you, but rather that she deserves a 'better you'.

A you with integrity. APPLIED integrity.

So, name it?

Here ya go. It's simple.

Be honest with her. Be open with her.

I've a lot more to say, because I've been in your shoes. But I gotta go to work.

I'll be back.

dewt (who is adjusting his shades to look cool as he exits stage left)

hi all out there,
i never expected this much responce. thank you.
for anyone who is not clear about this latest situation go back to may 26 & 27 posts i had. my concern is not who my W is emailing, just that she is. maybe i'm asking too much of her to open up to me more. she is further along in this than i am since i just found out. i'm still a raw nerve. mtheart and finallylearning had good posts.
bottom line is, my W needs to be on MB site way more than she is. whiteknight1 needs to do the right thing both for his marriage and mine. and i need to be the one my W opens up to since she is the one that confessed to me on d-day. no other source will provide healing for me as much as her.
however, i'm not in control here and will be patient as things work out. thank you all soooo much, and i mean everyone that posted. it does me more good than you can imagine!
God bless, see ya, rdl

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight1 ]</small>

i assume i am one that put those cat claws in your back, well, i would do it again. and again i would be glad that i did.

in the other post you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember, he even mentioned in his own post that he was not bothered by our private e-mails.

So there you have it. The subject shuld be dropped right here. I can't imagine him suggesting that he was worried about ME, or he would NOT have written what he wote to me, and he could have easily mentioned me, and he could have easily wrote directly to me. I am not difficult to reach.

Once again, I assumed he wanted advice about what to do about SOMEONE ELSE she is communicating with.

OH! And by the way, none of us have heard from RDL or PAL yet, so before anyone else shakes there head so much at me that their head might fall off and roll away, let's wait and find out if it is indeed ME he was referring to! Let's not jump to conclusions! I am as curious if I'm the guilty party as anyone else here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we have heard from RDL:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my concern is not who my W is emailing, just that she is . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but you see, she cannot be emailing unless she has someone to email and you continueally made offers to email. i personally do not think that should occur, especially between 2 people of the opposite sex. and it is YOUR CHOICE to refrain from participating. and if you refrain, you give pal one less person to choose from.

everyone agrees, this is dangerous ground. i stand by my decision to call it into very bright light!

FL....I totally agree with you. I wish that I had had someone to "pick up" on these things with me two years ago when my relationship with OM was subtling changing from co-worker to EA to PA!! I would rather have been hit with a few 2x 4's back then than to be dealing with all this now. WK, people care and that's the reason for the concern shown. No one is voicing opinions here for the sake of being meddlesome.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by renewingdeeplove:
<strong> hi all out there,
i never expected this much responce. thank you.
for anyone who is not clear about this latest situation go back to may 26 & 27 posts i had. my concern is not who my W is emailing, just that she is. maybe i'm asking too much of her to open up to me more. she is further along in this than i am since i just found out. i'm still a raw nerve. mtheart and finallylearning had good posts.
bottom line is, my W needs to be on MB site way more than she is. whiteknight1 needs to do the right thing both for his marriage and mine. and i need to be the one my W opens up to since she is the one that confessed to me on d-day. no other source will provide healing for me as much as her.
however, i'm not in control here and will be patient as things work out. thank you all soooo much, and i mean everyone that posted. it does me more good than you can imagine!
God bless, see ya, rdl </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hello to all,
i will quote myself above. i can identify more clearly my thoughts here. it would be better if W were emailing another FWW instead of a FWH. she would benefit more from that point of view, but that is my opinion. especially a FWH that has not been through D-Day yet. i still sense from her that she carries a heavy burden from A. she is looking for a place to drop it so she can move on with me. remember it is still fresh for me here where i am. i am still looking for pieces to this puzzle. i pray that she finds her "unloading" place and that i find my pieces. thank you all for the support and prayers. i will not leave this site and i hope W stays on also. i love and adore her like no other and never want to be pushy or demanding of her. i will be steadfast and patient...open and honest....and most of all loving. i pray for God's blessing on all of you that look to Him for help. just ask Him.

talk at ya later, rdl
P.S. this was posted on pal heading but it is rdl who posted. my mistake. please take note of this.

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: peaceandlove ]</small>

hi again,
like i said previous, i posted not realizing i was on pal's log on. my oops, will watch that.
later,rdl