Firefly, I suggest you re write another Plan B letter. And this time you must stay firm in your Plan B. Seeing him and telling him all these things only reassures him that you will be waiting for him in the wings. He is going to fence sit as long as he can as long as you are there waiting for him.

Tell him next time he wants to meet that you will meet him as soon as OW is out of the picture. Do you have an intermediary? it is very important that all correspondence go thru the IM. That way you will be sure not to talk to him.

Plan B can be effective if done right. Good luck!

Thank you for the advice. Is a second letter all that necessary? Couldn't I just go dark and let him figure it out?

Do others in Plan B make their WS turn in their house keys and debit card?

My H cut the grass while I was at work on Thurdays. That was helpful because I couldn't get the mower started. Apparently, he came in the house to wash up, fixed himself some food, and left the dirty clothes he wore to mow by the washer. This seems wrong, but should I say something? Am I not drawing a big enough boundry line?

I need a guide book for Plan B.

firefly

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: firefly73 ]</small>

Is a second letter all that necessary?
If your first one was not properly written, yes. Did you ever post your original (or any) Plan B letter?

Couldn't I just go dark and let him figure it out?
No. you cannot "just let him figure it out".
That is not what Plan B is all about. Plan B is telling him EXACTLY what you are doing and why and what you want to achieve (reconciliation).
Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?

Do others in Plan B make their WS turn in their house keys and debit card?
You should get the locks changed (even if he gave the key back, he could have had a duplicate. I would)
You should get a new account. Even if you get the debit card, he is on the account and there is nothing you can do about that (without a court order).

My H cut the grass while I was at work on Thurdays. That was helpful because I couldn't get the mower started. Apparently, he came in the house to wash up, fixed himself some food, and left the dirty clothes he wore to mow by the washer. This seems wrong, but should I say something? Am I not drawing a big enough boundry line?
Yes, you are NOT drawing a big enough boundary line.
You should cut the grass on Wednesday after work (then he will se it on Thursday & get the picture). If you can't get the mower started, ask someone else for help.
Does he expect you to wash his clothes? Did you wash his clothes?

Plan B is learning how to live without your spouse & vice-versa.
If it comes to divorce, he will not be over to cut the grass or use your washer & dryer & eat lunch.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Here is the Plan B letter I sent. I plagerized a few paragraphs from several good letters.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
April 30, 2004

My dearest H:

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am deeply saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, and our marriage.

The five years that we have been together are filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears, and laughs. We have experienced so much and every moment that I spend with you is more wonderful than the last. I have been blessed by having you as my friend, lover, and husband.

I realize how my behavior caused you to believe that you were not my first priority. You are the true joy in my life and I am afraid I just wasn’t able to show you that in the way you needed to see it. I never intentionally meant to hurt you or make you unhappy. I am truly sorry for my part in bringing us to this point and I have been taking steps to learn how to be a better partner and lover to you. When I married you, I vowed to be by your side for the rest of our lives. I am still deeply committed to you and improving our relationship.

The relationship that you are having outside of our marriage has broken my heart and is too painful for me to bear. It is destroying my love and admiration for you, and this is something I desperately do not want to happen. As long as you remain in a relationship with her, it is best that we live apart and not have any contact with one another. While this will pain me greatly, I know that I cannot continue to witness your relationship with another. Therefore, I ask that you contact my sister with an communication regarding finances or emergencies that you need to send to me.

When you are ready to recommit to us, then I will be very happy to discuss restoring our friendship and relationship. Additionally, I will do everything that I can to help support you professionally, enhance our home, and work on improving our finances. I sincerely want us to be able to rebuild our love and commitment and create a new life together in which everything we do makes us both happy, so there will never again be a reason for us to separate. We have a strong foundation of friendship, communication, and connection that can see us through this. I can envision a wonderful future together as husband and wife, filled with beautiful children, and the joys of growing old together. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more fulfilling than we could have imagined.

Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. For all the time we have been together, you have been the light of my life, and I look forward to fulfilling my commitment to you and helping you to achieve the life you want to lead. I love you with all my heart.

Your loving wife,
firefly

Very good letter!
When did you send this to him?
If it was recently (in the last few weeks) I would say you do not need to resend it to him.

You DO need to enforce your own boundaries though and stop the communications with him.Even if he sends you something or leaves a message, you do not have to read it.

I gave it to him on April 30th. He moved into her place and then he immediately started to tell me he wanted to come home. He returned home to reconcile on May 11th and 12th. He then "realized" that maybe he'd rather be with her (after she talked with him for four hours) and moved out again on the 13th. He is still living at OW's, but wants to move out although he isn't sure he wants to end the A.

I will work on writing another letter that addresses a few things about our false recovery and the contact he've had with one another. I will also have a better plan for addressing household issues.

I can't grasp my mind around the concept of plan B'ing so I'll be prepared for divorce. I feel strongly that he will end the A and return to our relationship. I just feel like cutting him out of my life completely is too much of a love buster. When we communicate there is not love busting.

I am still milling all of this around in my mind.
-firefly

Firefly..I gave my WH two Plan B letters within two days of each other. Upon the suggestion of many MBers. I would shorten this one and resend it. Just state the facts. You need to set strict boundries. Change the locks, that will really let reality sink in. I did to mine and he was home wihtin 10 days of Plan B. He tried to make every attempt to contct me. DO you have an intermediary. If not get one. It is crucial.

I put together another Plan B letter to resend. Is this too harshly worded? Other feedback?

*********************************
My dearest WH:

The last month has been so hard. It was heartbreaking when you first left to go live with her. I was thrilled when you wanted to return home and the two days we spent together were wonderful. Then, you decided to go live with her again—I was devastated.

I love you so much and I want you to end your relationship with her and return home where we can work on rebuilding our marriage. I know that you love me, but I am not sure that you want to end your relationship with her for good, even though you may not want to live with her. That pains me very much because I strongly believe that we cannot recover as a couple if you continue to have contact with her.

I told you when you first left that I wouldn’t have contact with you as long as you continue to be in a relationship with her. That has been hard for me to actually do because I love you so much. I enjoy your company and your conversation. However, in the end you are still having a relationship outside of our marriage and I am left feeling sad. I know that I cannot continue doing this, because it is wearing on my greatly.

Therefore, I must follow through with what I told you before. I cannot have contact with you anymore so that I can protect my feelings. I will leave your mail at the booth on Wednesdays, have my sister contact you about any financial issues, and take care of mowing the grass. I ask that you not visit the house or try to contact me until she is no longer a part of your life. Then I will be more than happy to discuss what is necessary to rebuild and strengthen our marriage and relationship.

This may seem severe, but no purpose is being served by us continuing to communicate. There is nothing more that I can say that I haven’t already said to reassure you that I am committed to making up where I fell short before and how committed I am to you and our marriage. I am truly sorry for the part I played in your unhappiness with our marriage.

I know that you love me, care for me, and enjoy my company. However, I refuse to be your part-time wife or share you with another woman. If I mean enough to you then you will end this affair and take the steps necessary for us to move on in our life together. I love you with all my heart.

All my love,
firefly

(change or delete the highlighted stuff)
The easiest way to do it is to use the original Plan B letter from “Surviving An Affair” and slightly modify to fit you.

My dearest WH:

The last month has been so hard. It was heartbreaking when you first left to go live with her. I was thrilled when you wanted to return home and the two days we spent together were wonderful. Then, you decided to go live with her again—I was devastated.

I love you so much and I want you to end your relationship with her and return home where we can work on rebuilding our marriage. I know that you love me, but I am not sure that you want to end your relationship with her for good, even though you may not want to live with her. That pains me very much because I strongly believe that we cannot recover as a couple if you continue to have contact with her.
Don’t tell him what he wants or doesn’t want.

I told you when you first left that I wouldn’t have contact with you as long as you continue to be in a relationship with her. That has been hard for me to actually do because I love you so much. I enjoy your company and your conversation. However, in the end you are still having a relationship outside of our marriage and I am left feeling sad. I know that I cannot continue doing this, because it is wearing on my greatly.

Therefore, I must follow through with what I told you before. I cannot have contact with you anymore so that I can protect my feelings. I will leave your mail at the booth on Wednesdays, have my sister contact you about any financial issues
what are you doing to get financially fit on your own, with no assistance from him?
, and take care of mowing the grass
Get used to doing this yourself..
I ask that you not visit the house or try to contact me until she is no longer a part of your life. Then I will be more than happy to discuss what is necessary to rebuild and strengthen our marriage and relationship.
Leave out “rebuild and strengthen our marriage and relationship” and change to, “discuss our future.

This may seem severe, but no purpose is being served by us continuing to communicate.
Yes, there is plenty of purpose but the pain is more than the purpose it serves.
There is nothing more that I can say that I haven’t already said to reassure you that I am committed to making up where I fell short before and how committed I am to you and our marriage. I am truly sorry for the part I played in your unhappiness with our marriage.

I know that you love me, care for me, and enjoy my company.
and you know this because he is living with someone else? Leave it out.
However, I refuse to be your part-time wife or share you with another woman. If I mean enough to you then you will end this affair and take the steps necessary for us to move on in our life together.
leave this out
I love you with all my heart.

I like your first attempt at a PBL.

Of course, that's probably because it contains a lot of the elements of my own PBL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The advice I was given was to keep it short, so the point is not lost to the fog-riddled WS.

Here is my first attempt:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dearest WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.

The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. We have traveled far and wide and experienced highs and lows, together. I cannot bring to my mind one specific instance, because every moment that I spent with you was more wonderful than the last. I am saddened that we are no longer sharing these moments together. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now how my cocky and sometimes arrogant attitude pushed you away from me. I also acknowledge that my financial irresponsibilty drove a wedge between us and created unnecessary friction in our relationship. For these and other mistakes I have made, I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me. I was joyed to give you 100% everyday we were together, although I now see that my efforts were not always focused on that which was most important to you. I know this must have made you feel unimportant to me. I am truly sorry for this and I am working to identify and correct my faults.

You must know the pain that I have been in for quite a while. The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage have caused me an unimaginable amount of pain. This pain is destroying the love that I have felt for you for so many years. It tears away at all of the beautiful memories that you and I have shared together, and I am no longer able to withstand this pain.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision, so I am able to preserve the love that I have for you. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. I will be willing to discuss restoring our once beautiful friendship and marriage, when you are no longer in a relationship and commit to plan of recovery.

I can still envision a future with the two of us as best friends, as husband and wife. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I have loved you as my best friend, girlfriend, and wife. I have supported you as a co-worker, student, and confidant. I hope that I can fill these and so many other roles in your life once more. For more than eight years, you have been the light of my life, and I look forward to fulfilling my commitment to you. I love you with all of my heart.

Your loving husband,
Ethan
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is the final version:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dearest WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.

The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage have caused me an unimaginable amount of pain. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart.

Your loving husband,
Ethan
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The advice I was given was to keep it short and to the point. Try not to ramble.

And apparently it has worked (to an extent.) WW has not made an attempt to contact me in 6 weeks, except through the intermediary. The A still continues, but hey, at least she can read..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I sincerely wish you the best,
Ethan

Ethan: Just to clarify, I have already sent one Plan B letter. However, both of us remained in contact thus I was resending a new one. My first letter was quite nice as it was modeled (umm, plagerized) from yours.

Chris: Thanks for the feedback on what I wrote. I made the changes that you suggested and sent the letter by email this morning. I didn't want to use email, but he won't get his regular mail until he works again next Wednesday.

I feel good but aprehensive about this. I went to Plan B at a good time when he has nothing and has to rely on her for everything. He misses me but won't end the A. I think that yesterday I actually got to the place where I am feeling more mad than hurt. Being mad feels empowering. I am tired of feeling like a victim. I think I've been in Plan "Walk All Over Me" for a long time and really need to draw some boundaries in Plan B now.

I am really struggling financially. With WH not working full-time for so long, my income has had to stretch to cover everything. It is hard, but I am doing the best I can. I cut out TV in February and next month I am ending internet service (can still get on-line at work). The credit card bills are overdue, but I am faithfully meeting my mortgage, car payment, and utilities. My credit may be ruined, but at least I have a place to live and a way to get to work.

Being alone at night is still the hardest. I cry myself to sleep. I long for someone to kiss me goodnight. It is tough but it sure is better than guessing if WH would actually come home at night or laying next to him after he had been with OW.

hanging on...
firefly

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?

I made the changes that you suggested and sent the letter by email this morning.
Can you post here what you sent? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

June 3, 2004

My dearest WH:

The last month has been so hard. It was heartbreaking when you first left to go live with her. I was thrilled when you wanted to return home and recover our relationship. The two days we spent together were wonderful. Then, you decided to go live with her again—I was devastated.

I told you when you first left that I wouldn’t have contact with you as long as you continue to be in a relationship with her. That has been hard for me to actually do because I love you so much. I enjoy your company and your conversation. However, in the end you are still having a relationship outside of our marriage and I am left feeling sad and hurt. I know that I cannot continue doing this, because it is wearing on my greatly.

Therefore, I must follow through with what I told you before. I cannot have contact with you anymore so that I can protect my feelings. I will leave your mail at the booth on Wednesdays, have my sister contact you about any financial issues, and take care of mowing the grass myself. I ask that you not visit our house or try to contact me until she is no longer a part of your life. Then I will be willing to discuss our future together.

There is nothing more that I can say that I haven’t already said to reassure you that I am committed to making up where I fell short before and how committed I am to you and our marriage. I am truly sorry for the part I played in your unhappiness with our marriage. I believe that through both our efforts we can build a marriage that is very strong and enduring. I love you with all my heart.

All my love,
firefly

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: firefly73 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Have you read "Surviving An Affair"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I received an email message from WH in response to my letter...

"I understand your position and feelings. I will respect that and not contact you. I will need to stop by the house today to get my bowling stuff for this weekend. There will be a credit issued to our account on saturday, use it for a new dress or something fun. Take it out at an ATM do not use it for bills.I am not sure of the total.

I am trying to forgive myself for what I have and am continuing to do, and to forgive you for what I thought you were not doing for our relationship.

I love you and If you find it in you heart to want to talk to me while I am still working through this I would welcome the sound of your voice."

+++++++++++++++++

I will uphold NC this time, but I know it will be hard. I remain hopeful. I thought what he wrote was nice.

Chris: I have read...
* Surviving the Affair (Harley)
* His Needs, Her Needs (Harley)
* Fall in Love, Stay in Love (Harley)
* Surviving Infidelity (?)
* Divorce Busting (Weiner-Davis)
* Tough Love (Dobson)
Any other suggestions?

I feel like a student in the Infidelity Ph.D. program doing the assistantship from hell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: firefly73 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that yesterday I actually got to the place where I am feeling more mad than hurt. Being mad feels empowering. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is absolutely crucial that you stick to your NC at this time when you are feeling so angry. I got to that point when I was in Plan B and I was so angry that I could have exploded. I told my WH to only call me when he has broken it off with OW...well, he would call and I would pick up and when I asked if he was still seeing her and he would say "I've almost ended it" you can imagine the anger I felt. Fire could have ocme out of my nose. The point is, when are this angry, youwill do nothing but LB him and DJ him, even though you dont want to. I still loved my H, but I was sooo angry at what he was doing to me. I missed him terribly, but I did not miss my WH. make sense?

Plese stick to the NC...it is crucial!

Any other suggestions?
You could read, "Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy" by Frank Pittman.
It's not a "how-to" book like the others you read though.
Talks more about the thoughts and feelings that happen in an affair, so it can help you to understand it a bit better. Not a "mandatory" read but it does help you to understand the "alien mind swap" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> a bit more.

I will do my best to translate....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I understand your position and feelings. I will respect that and not contact you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...except for this contact. Please reply to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will need to stop by the house today to get my bowling stuff for this weekend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...Please be there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There will be a credit issued to our account on saturday, use it for a new dress or something fun. Take it out at an ATM do not use it for bills.I am not sure of the total.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...Please buy something fun to ease my guilt, so I can do something to make you feel better. Please be irresponsible with the $$$, so I'm not the only irresponsible one here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am trying to forgive myself for what I have and am continuing to do, and to forgive you for what I thought you were not doing for our relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...See, this is part your fault, too!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love you and If you find it in you heart to want to talk to me while I am still working through this I would welcome the sound of your voice." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...Even though none of my actions are loving, I would still like to have you to talk to when it benefits me.

*******

Please get to NC and stay there. If you have done a sufficient Plan A, Plan B will be most beneficial for you.

Best of luck,
Ethan

Thank you Ethan for putting the correct spin on his alien expectations of cake-eating.

Firefly,

Go so dark that the intensity is palpable, even in the densest fog. No response at all. Don't withdraw any funds from the account for mad-money.

And for a bit of light reading, you may want to look up Mimi's PlanA/B story. It was only when she went so dark he could no longer reach her that he truly cracked and called it quits.

He wants you both meeting his needs. Just think of Miss Piggy as the Alien Abductor placing a snout over your husband's face and think "Oink" when he talks "sweet" to you like this sickening e-mail he sent you.

Wow, Ethan - how'd you get to be fluent like that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />