Hi again.
I just copied this message from Christy V. on Hope and Faith's thread.
It was written to 'very regretful'.
In case you missed reading it. I am copying and pasteing it here also. The message has a lot of sincere feelings in it.
I know for me, as the BW, my H's affair was like a GIANT wake-up call and I made a complete U-turn.
No more taking him for granted.
And I think you feel exactly the same and desperately want to show it to H.
Love, Julie
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ChristyV
Member
Member # 33532
posted May 14, 2004 09:57 PM
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I, too, am impressed with the sense of remorse, openness, and interest in rebuilding your marriage. All the current BSs on the site dream for spouses like you. I treated my WH like gold before I found out, after, and for months and months until he moved out...and he was always the most upright, integrity driven, Christian man I have ever known, and now...he is so lost.
Anyway, I wanted to respond to a question you posed about your H making a total about face, and questioning the sincerity and permanency of that change.
Let me share that I was disrespectful, caustic, angry, controlling, and the OPPOSITE of submissive. I was living totally contrary to God's command for a wife.
And I assumed this was a "dynamic" that worked for us. It was stupid, immature, and completely ridiculous to think that my treatment of H would be acceptable to him, or any man for that matter, but I did. I just thought, hey, I wear the pants in the family, and he is alright with that. And I lose my temper and say mean, disrespectful things...but he knows I do not mean it.
I ASSumed all of that because my H did not display his unhappiness the same way I did. In other words, if I was unhappy, trust me, EVERYONE knew about it. My mouth was out of control...and I inflicted a lot of damage with my tongue (I obviously had not read the book of James, and heard the analogy of the mouth being compared to the pits of hell). When he was unhappy, he just withdrew. He pulled all tha pain, and anger, and dissapointment inside of himself, where it sat and festered. And he did not say a word...but he withdrawal a little. But I just say that as him being tired, or stressed, or surrending to my controlling ways.
When I found out about the A, a giant, 2 x 1 million hit me smack dab in the forehead, and I was so shocked into reality...that it took my breath away.
When my H came home from an international trip and told me he did not love me...I was shocked.
One day I was hurting so badly, that I prayed fervently for God to help me. I happened to turn on the Christian radio station, and heard a focus on the family broadcast. It was a guest speaker, Emerson Eggerichs, and he was talking about how women need love, and men need respect. He talked about Ephesians 5, and all the things the bible says about marital relationships.
And in that moment, I cried and cried and cried.
The fact was, I DID feel immense love and respect for my H. He was my hero. I admired every single thing about him. Really and truly. But I naively thought my careless treatment of him was ok with him, because he loved me unconditionally. No matter what. And he HAD to know I admired and respected him, right?
God told me WRRRRROOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
And in that moment, He changed my heart. And it wasn't false or fake or me acting a certain way to keep my H...it was sincere, because I did truly respect and admire him, I had just done a terrible job showing him.
A WEEK LATER, I found out about the A.
And in all of that, I treated him respectfully, NEVER saying a mean or cruel thing about him, or her, or the situation. Just tried to reason with him to give our M another shot.
I now hope and pray those several months while he was here, experiencing what life with the changed me could be like, that it planted some seeds that will someday bring him home.
The A, dismantling of our M, and all the pain and betrayal and confessions, and finally, communication about what he was feeling, enduring before he committed the A, all of it, was out there, and it was what I needed to finally see what part I had played to help us get to where we were at that point.
And maybe, it was realized too late.
But I bet, it was a permanent change.
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BS, me- 31
WH- 31
M- 9 yrs, 2gethr 13 yrs
10/03- H said "IDLY" & started Plan A
11/03- d-day
3/2/04- WH moved out
3/23/04- Started Plan B
I am taking one day at a time. God, your will be done, not mine!
