I am actually handsome and have had opportunities to have an A
What does, "had opportunities to have an A" actually mean?
If there are other people around, then there are "opportunities" around.

Assuming, for the sake of discussion, that ol' 2long could be viewed by someone out there as "attractive", I still don't think my appearance has much 2 do with why I haven't had an A.

Well, my person, that is... ...but it's pretty hard 2 sneak around when you wear Converse Hightops with bright hawaiian shirts, crazy t-shirts, drive a one-of-a kind vehicle, and work at a job right smack dab in the public eye...

(ol' 2long pauses a moment, mulling over the mental image he just created)

...maybe I'm not that attractive after all, and that's the reason after all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

I think my looks cause me to get hit on more than anything else. Like I said, my attitude shuts them down. I'm not giving off any friendly signals.

A while back, H started making suggestions and hints that I start dressing better. I really dont care much about clothes, except a little for work, and I was resentful at first, but have come around. Thing is, I get hit on alot more and in general get more unwanted attention from men now that I'm wearing cute little tshirts and tight modern jeans. We also got a new high-end car last year and sometimes I feel like I really stand out too much. Anyone ever feel this way? I feel like a target, sometimes... H said I should always look my best, but I swear, sometimes I feel like I look like I'm trying too hard. I'm sure it's something left over from my southern grandma - 'Married women are not supposed to look like single women on the prowl'. Also, the extra attention does bother me. Like I said earlier, I feel I've always been playing defense, now I feel like a celebrity sometimes. Any thoughts? Thanks - Dru

:::::::What does, "had opportunities to have an A" actually mean?
If there are other people around, then there are "opportunities" around.

Dru, Will come to you in a minute. Chris, good question. Actually married people get a lot of opportunities to have an A. Those who are 'steadfast' probably don't even recognise half the opportunities that come their way. But, I think a REAL opportunity is a little different. I'm talking about a situation that arises, whereby you meet someone, who you feel very attracted to. You don't ask to meet them, you don't want to meet them, but when they suddenly pop up in your life, you feel attracted to them. Call it chemistry.

The opportunity is this: They seem/show magnatism towards you. You are aware that there is an undercurrent between you.

Actually, opportunity goes further. Many married people come across the situation above, but not all of them have the circumstances that allow them to go further. I once heard the reason for an A is one, desire, and two opportunity. I'm fast learning that desire doesn't come so neatly packaged. It comes as an attraction and the good feelings evoked by the interest recieved by the OP, causes strong desire, not necessarily sexual desire. Just desire to receive further validation from this OP.

Unless you have been in a situation, where you felt strong chemistry for someone, and you have opportunity to follow thru, then how can you know that you have resisted temptation?

However, take Drucilla. She never allows herself to feel attraction for anyone else. She nips it in the bud, before it's a bud even. It's possible that circumstances might change in Drucilla's life, that at some point, she changes her mind set. But for now, she is quite safe. My H let his guard down, because he'd turned 50, he was by himself a lot, and he had had no experience of pretty young women showing interest in him. He was blindsided. He had never thought he would be unfaithful to his wife.

Dru, it's a dilemma about how to dress. I watched a woman yesterday walking round with tight white semi see thru jeans, showing her black throng underneath. She walked back and forth way too many times in the cafe. I felt like telling her to skip lunch coz her butt is getting too big for that outfit! meow! IMO, you should dress well. Dress with class first and foremost.

an

I've been wondering too. My WS has had many gfs before he met me but he was my first bf. We were in a long-distance relationship and I had plenty of opportunities to cheat. He was still a (poor) student then while I was already working and being hit on by all these older men who could wine and dine me. But I never crossed the line. Was I stupid or what? But he was my best friend and I would never want to hurt him for something so fleeting.

Now it seems a revenge A would be the sweetest thing on earth - but I know that it would just complicate things further and I would regret it bitterly. I guess I'm too rational to have an A - the thought of the potential **** that will hit the fan, especially now that we are married with a baby on the way, makes it very clear to me that a revenge A is not the way to go. I am contemplating a divorce, but an affair is definitely not the path I will choose.

Hi,

I agree with Chris' reason for not giving myself 'premission' to have an affair: same reason I don't try to breath underwater without scuba gear. Not that I WANT to be a BS... but I would no doubt hate it even more being a WS! I'm great looking, have opportunity, my WH doesn't deserve my being faithful to him... But I wouldn't do that to myself. I also agree I would not hurt my children that way, they DO feel as if the WS has dumped THEM too for the OP. But even if I didn't have children, I would not treat MYSELF that way!

I'm not denying that unmet needs and marital problems can help cause vulnerability to adultery... but it's still the adulterers who've made a bad choice. There are things the BS can say or do (or not say and do) which may influence the probability of the bad choice being made, but IMO it's still mostly problems with the morals/thinking/self-esteem/boundaries/etc. of the adulterers that 'gives them permission' to commit adultery.

Even if nobody else ever found out, I would know and it would hurt my self-respect. IMO it's immensely stupid to commit adultery. And I like to think I'm not a stupid gal. Why don't I commit adultery? Fot the same sort of reason I don't pick my nose in public. It's ugly and ignorant.

IMO adultery is wrong - not so much because God says so, but God says it's wrong BECAUSE he's a loving God who wants to protect us from harming ourselves and others. Adultery is harmful - period. Even an atheist BS knows and feels the pain of betrayal.

Sure, there is some pleasure for the adulterers, but it's fleating in the ultimate scope and far outweighed by the shame and pain you (and others) end up paying for it. The media and the good-ole-boys bragging around the water-cooler make it sound like harmless fun or even something you're entitled to from time to time... But they're usually silent regarding the disastrous fallout. IMO it's sort of like those beer commercials where they show healthy, slim, coordinated young folks boozing and cavorting around the mountains at the same time... In real life drinkers can get beer bellies and best not try to ski while embibing. Adultery gets a lot of false advertising. I really don't think most adulterers have any idea just how bad they're going to feel if they cave into their carnal instincts... until it's too late.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Hi anyname...

Did you used to have a different, more Disney-esque name? If you did, you sound like you've come along way from a few months ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It just seems contradictory (or dangerous?) that my H wants me to dress more attractively. I think he puts his head in the sand sometimes... I should dress as attractively as I can AND the extra attention I receive is shouldn’t bother me. It is a big deal to me. You see from my above posts how hard I work to shut down men who approach me.

We did make some progress on this this weekend. One thing he's repeatedly said is 'other attractive women don’t seem to mind, or have these problems'. I said: You don’t know how other women feel, I am different than other women (ENTJ female.. I AM a weirdo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), and You've never known any woman to the depth you know me!

He did agree, and I don’t think he'll be using that argument again, but it's tough sometimes. What do you do with a man who wants an AS (although he did not admit it on the EN questionnaire), married to a woman who needs to be known as 'competent and smart!'? I’m already the only female executive in my company and I am 13 years younger than my nearest peer. I’ve proved over and over that I deserve my position (and I’m doing very well, btw). Now I’m supposed to look like a Spice Girl? I’d rather be ‘classically understated’ at work. H thinks I need tailored, eye catching, ‘youza, hot mama’ suits. I’ve been working AGAINST that for so long. Doesn’t he have a clue the kind of guys I deal with daily (all male, industrial industry… the exec’s are slightly better than the employees)? Yes, he does…

Not earth-shattering or anything, but a disagreement that keeps popping up. Thanks for listening to my vent. Please take care, anyname <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - Dru

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Now I officially a member of the MB BS Club, I feel compelled to throw in my HO.

I have a very high sex drive. I have been occasionally attracted to other men (but not in a big way). I recieve some male attention. But I have never acted on it because I always thought rationally and did not want to hurt H2B.

But last night, WH2Bs brother took me to a club. All I wanted was male attention. Lots of it. I didnt care who from, I just wanted love. In the end, I didnt do anything. But for the past 2 days I have been physically and emotionally clinging to WH2Bs brother and my other male friends. I have not wanted to be alone and have needed constant hugs etc.

This reaction has surprised me. It is a very powerful need at the moment. I hope I am able to stay faithful, at least until I decide what to do.

Hi KS,
Any chance you can spend more time with female friends and family? It's good you recognize this now, but you must take active steps to nip this in the bud. You KNOW you are on dangerous ground right now.

What's the saying 'Evil happens when good people do nothing!'? Do something to remove yourself from these temptations.

I know you need the reassurance, but this kind isnt as fulfilling as it seems. You probably know this, deep down. Getting laid wont make you feel any better, not really. Take the 'flirts' as the reassurance, and get the heck away from these men. Be strong... how do you want this to read a year from now? Please take care!!! - Dru

Hi KS,
You're 20 years old?? What do you want to do? I married my exH at 19... gosh that was young. Your guy has already been unfaithful?

My thought is that you would thank your lucky stars later if you started over today. You've got years to marry. This is such a bad way to start. You could make a clean break, then go live a little! Have some fun for a few years! I dont know your story... I'll go look, but really, I wouldnt marry someone who had already had an A. You two have not recovered and grown from the A, obvious by your post. You're sending a bad message. - Dru

To answer the question posted here, "opportunities" there are alwayes present. But I have loved my wife and I always took pride in the fact that we both were pure when we married. We grew up together and that was important to me, and I thought it was also important to her. Because of love that also meant that I had to respect her and protect her. I now that I would never have been able to see her suffer because of an infidelity. In fact, when I had had females interested, I would tell her and I would stay away. To me, I value a woman who has respects for herself and values herself as being precious to the man who is willing to share his life with her. When girls nowadays sleep with several guys or married women sleep with men other than their husbands, they are dishonoring themselves.

Also, a phrase that comes to mind to explain why I never fell into temptation is, "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you".

Ya know...

In the end I think that it should come down to this. When people get married. they swear in front of people (usually lots that they know) that they WILL be faithful NOT MATTER WHAT. Ya know... good times and bad, sickness and in health... for rich or poor...

I don't care if you beat the other person or not. That counts as a bad time. It is not cause for one of you to be unfaithful. First you leave and get a divorce. THEN and ONLY then do you find someone else.

My two cents worth....

Oh... and during some of my marriages' hard times I have had women come on to me..... I turned them down flat. I'm not better then my wife. I just know that I would NEVER make a promise and then break it. NEVER. Somehow, things got blurry for her.

That's one of the things that bothered me about Clinton.
Everyone was saying that his infidelity had nothing to do with his ability as a President.
Maybe not.
BUT, he lied to his wife and the country when he said he did not have sex.
So why should we believe that anything else he did as President would be "okay"?

:::Now I’m supposed to look like a Spice Girl? I’d rather be ‘classically understated’ at work. H thinks I need tailored, eye catching, ‘youza, hot mama’ suits. I’ve been working AGAINST that for so long. Doesn’t he have a clue the kind of guys I deal with daily (all male, industrial industry… the exec’s are slightly better than the employees)? Yes, he does…

Hi Dru, You know yourself best. You have to be comfortable with how you look. In your particular environement, I think you have showed excellent discretion. I feel you need to be firm with you H. After all, clothes et al, should be of little consequence on the scale of things. Your particular beliefs about appearence and the married woman, is actually quite touching. Instead of trying to change you, you H should try to understand you. But, make sure you have some sexy fitting track pants and skimpy tops for around home huh? Come part of the way for him - in the privacy of your own home. Try to find middle ground for social events. I am sure your H just want to show you off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

anyname

Hi Anyname,

I know my H has no ill intent... he's a SP... they love pretty, shiny things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I've toned it down at work lately, and really go for the gusto when we go out on the weekends... I think part of my worry is that I’m not ‘enough’, as is. He’d be mad that I could think that but sometimes I feel like a home improvement project… A little here and there doesn’t bother me, but when you add it all up: more eye shadow, lipstick, bigger jewelry, more fitted clothing, longer hair, nice car, tan… I feel I end up looking like a Barbie doll. I’m starting to feel a little ‘pimped out’ (sorry, too much MTV lately).

I’ve started asking for more from him now, and I feel a little better when HE puts in some effort (working out, nicer clothes). Just one of those things I didn’t think I’d have to worry about. And like I said earlier, I feel my southern grandmother watching me. She left with me a very clear image of how ‘ladies’ married or single, are supposed to look and act: Respectable! Thank you for the feedback. I do hope you are doing well. Take care - Dru

Drucilla,
Thank you for your advice. I know I am committing threadjacking, Im sorry.

I would appreciate it if you could help me on my thread in GQII because you always have good insight.

I realise we are off to a bad start but I really think it is worth a try.

Thank you