hello,,, I have turned to this forumn because I am seeking any help or comfort from my wifes infidelity.
I have been married for almost 6 years and recently discovered my wife has had a 2 month personal and sexual relationship with another man. She has admitted to the affair and says she wishes it would have never happened. She has told me how the affair began ,, where it began,, and why it began. the affair began 2 months to this date when she went to a local bar and grill and was approached by the OM at first she told him she was married with 2 children and was not interested. he still pursued her and eventually talked her into giving her cell #. as time went on he called and eventually talked her into a personal relationship. they were involved more than 2 weeks before I was tipped off by a friend who saw them together. She has had sex many times with this man and also done recreation activities with him. all while I was at home with the kids thinking she was working late or at her moms,, or whatever excuse she would give me. Her explanation for this is he was a fun guy. But she has told me throughout our marriage that I am a fun guy and she could not see her with any other man. The deceit and the ruthlessness of her affair is becoming to much for me to bare We are in counseling and it only fans the flames that burn in me. I have turned cold to her I have almost lost my job,, no sleeep,, lost 15 pounds, and am on antidepression meds. I love her with everything I am and allways have,,, but I fear that I can never trust her again due to the lack of care she had for me and the children. She has cried to me she has swore it will never happen again. When we dated before we were married I caught her in bed with another man,, we seperated , but got back together,, she swore to me then that it would never happen again,, well it has,, and this time feels 10 times worse than the pre marital affair. I fear losing her, but at the same time it sometimes disusts me to be near her. I work in law enforcement and run the mans name through the ncic computer,,,, he has had 4 prior violent arrests, Harassment,, assault,, drugs,, and unemployed and still lives with mommy. Self confidence is gone. My wife is very beautiful and could have alot of great guys but this was her pick... Im torn to the bone and do not know what to do..

Thanks for responding,,, I posted my story in the just found out section in more detail. Right now it is a new day I just arrived at work and have experienced my first night in 7 yrs without my wife. I told here yesterday that I could not stay in the same house with her and I needed to try to get myself together and move on in life. I packed all of my neccesseties and room mated up with my brother. It feels so strange this morning, its so unfamiliar to me to awake at another house and not be able to kiss my boys while they sleep before I head to work. I left because I could not be fair to my wife or myself by pretending to not be thinking about her afair and how hurt I am. I felt like I was sending her a message that said: you can do this to me and the children when ever you want, and just cry to me and tell me your sorry and I will get over it. I have accepted that I have to move on and take steps to improve my health and emotions. I feel that maybe in the future we might start to slowly try to repair our marriage, but I know it will not be any time soon. I have no intentions of filing for divorce. If the marriage ends then I will have to accept that it was not meant to be. Do you feel my actions have been apropriate?

Hi Eric,

I am in positively no position to give you advice what so ever. But I would say the first thing you should do is read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley, if you haven't already.

Then go out and buy his needs/her needs by the same. Read and gather yourself. The more you read the more you will notice yourself and some of the things that are happening to you will become familiar. I am a BS, I know the feelings you have. In a few days you will feel different, then a few more different again, and it just goes on and on. You have to learn to keep those feelings under control. While you are out of the house, (which I personally would not have moved out) JMHO, I would take this time to read and work on you. There must have been some sort of issues in your marriage to make her go outside of it. Find out what your needs and her needs are and work on them. I could not leave my kids, so as far as you leaving I don't know if I would have taken that route, maybe a different room or the couch for now would have been better. I am not an expert, this is just my opinion and that is all it is. Good Luck to you, and prayers also.

HINY

Hi, welcome to Marriage Builders (MB), but wish you weren't in the situation that brought you here...

Since your wife had an affair before your marriage, there is the possibility that she has serial adulterer tendencies.

In addition to the books already suggested, you might want to check out: Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. I know... the title says it's about men (and the book is written almost exclusively about men with this problem) but it gives a very good explation of the problem some people have with committment. It explains that people who are 'commitmentphobic' sometimes use infidelity to purposely ruin a relationship even when everything was going great (BECAUSE the relationship was good it scared them into trying to find an escape route).

DO read the His Needs/Her Needs book, because let's face it ALL marriages have their problems and could be improved. However, there's still no excuse for adultery. Don't feel it's your fault BUT if there is anything you can improve then at least you have some control over it and some hope.

Improve what you can but also start learning about possible baggage your wife may have that influences her to behave this way. If she persists in saying she had no complaints about the marriage, and you truly can't find problems in your marriage that made her vulnerable to an affair (other than putting herself in an environment that she obviously wasn't strong enough to handle), then the problem will most likely have something to do with her past. In that case, MB (Marriage Builder's) principles still apply, but she will probably also need Individual Counseling (IC) in order to deal with her problem.

Understandably your feelings are very intense and uncontrollable right now. So far it sounds as if your Wayward Wife (WW) has confessed, is remorseful, and the affair was caught very early.
But just in case, be forewarned she may try to continue the affair behind your back or more openly change her mind... It's a real emotional roller coaster when that happens, with the Wayward Spouse (WS) promising the affair is over... then relapsing back into contact with the Other Person (OP). As much as possible detach if/when that happens and do NOT climb onto that roller coaster with your WW (Wayward Wife). As you read about how to deal with adultery, you will see consistent suggestions as to how you should react. Most of what is effective is counterintuitive unfortunately... 99% of what you will feel like saying or doing will only make matters worse. As you read and learn start a list of effective reactions and follow them regardless of your feelings, or your WW's (Waywards Wife's) feelings, du jour.

When I was in Plan A, this is what I did (OK tried to do): In Plan A it's advised to try to meet your spouse's emotional needs, be loving towards them, and not to argue. Easy to do when I was FEELING loving... Seemed impossible when I felt hurt and angry. So I convinced myself that when I was feeling angry about what he did I would express that anger by being so loving that if/when we divorced he would be devastated by the loss of me (because he'd then look back at all my loving-kindness and feel like a fool for what he lost).

Now that I'm in Plan B, this is my plan:
While in Plan B you are supposed to not have contact with the WS (Wayward Spouse), to set some boundaries to protect yourself (and what remaining love you have for the WS) and to let them see what their life will be like if you divorce. That's not easy to do regardless of my mood. On the days I feel hurt and angry I want to call my Wayward Husband (WH) and chew him out (or whine)... On the days I feel more hopeful and loving I want to call him and be nice to him.
So I tell myself that regardless of how I feel at the moment, angry or loving, I will stick to the no contact of Plan B. I'm either not calling him because I'm feeling upset and getting on with my life... or I'm not calling him because I'm feeling loving and following a plan which can be very effective at helping him realize what he's losing.

I have no control over what my WH (Wayward Husband) ultimately decides. But I can respond in a consistent way and stay off the emotional roller coaster he's hopped onto.

Good luck, read LOTS, and post here for support (or to vent).

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 07:08 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Eric - my heart goes out to you, you have every right to be angry, hurt, disillusioned but you need to go back home to your family and work on your M, by being apart this is going to put more distance between you. You need to talk - get into MC right away, and read all you can find on the subject.

Definetly buy the books the other posters mentioned, find out why this has happened. Why your wife felt the way she did to let another man in to your lives. Your wife has ended the A?
no contact letter sent?

Please open up to your wife - show her that you still love her and want to make the M work -
Sandy

dear sandy and meremortal,, it is just so nice to hear from people who have been where im at. Sandy, I have opened up to my wife I have told her that my life is my family. I have gone through one affair she had when we lived together. Looking back on her first afair we confided in each other so much, we cried together so much, and were able to continue and get married. The first afair never lingered in our marriage, in fact to be honest the first time since we were married I ever reflected on it is when I discovered this afair. During her first pre marital afair she said god eric I love u so much and I swear I will never let this happen again. I told her that I believed her and said that it cannot happen again because I would not be able to deal with the pain twice. Our relationship and marriage was very strong as a result of her first afair. It also set a bond between us that made me feel shes been there done that and it was not what she wanted to do,, so I know this woman loves me with everything she is. With that in mind I was more trustful of my wife then ever, I knew she would never repeat an affair after what we had been through. This afair has totally broke that bond and it seems that she had no intentions of remaining faithful. I am not a partying person I cannot go to night clubs and bars, because there usually is nothing but trouble. In my profession (Sherrif Department) If I get in trouble I can never have a liscense to work in law enforcement again. It seems as though this is in her needs,,, she likes the night life,, This is her need.... How can I meet a need like that,, I feel she wants to live like a teen not a married woman.. Does this make sense?

also,,, you asked has she ended the afair,, she asked me to listen on the phone while she called,, I did. She told him Eric knows, he said how, she said he was told by someone,,, then she said I have to tell you that I have made a huge mistake and I can never see you or talk to you again,, he replied ,, I understand and I am sorry this happened,,, and hung up. Well, since being told this he has contacted her 3 other times she has told me that he has that is how I know. I am afraid he will pursue her even more,,, I used work resources to run a criminal history on this man. Results-> 3 protective orders from 3 other women, 2 assaults with bodily injury, harassment,, reckless driving, been jailed 4 times, possesion of narcotics,, unemployed lives with mommy still. All of this is a sign of a predator who has broke families up before. The fact that this is the type of person she went to to meet her emotional need destroys me,, he is the exact opposite of what I am,,, he breaks the law, and I enforce the law. It feels like she is tired of my goodness and wants a little bad in her life. Also what triggered me to leave yesterday was when I asked her if she had been honest about making him use protection during sex,, she said that she did lie and they did in fact have unprotected sex, that ignited me I didnt yell at her,, I just held it in and asked her how could you not make him use protection? She replied sarcasticly,,"I dont know Eric" as if I didnt have a right to know.

Originally posted by eric.
I just held it in and asked her how could you not make him use protection? She replied sarcasticly,,"I dont know Eric" as if I didnt have a right to know.

The reason for her sarcastic tone is NOT that you don't have a right to know about your potential health risks...

She is sarcastic because she DOES NOT understand herself right now, she does NOT like herself right now, and she has nearly lost her sense of self to this affair fiasco.

Your question irritates because it points out to her ... her own loss of character. And rather than face that loss head on, she deflects that deeper pain onto you, ~as if~ the pain she feels about herself is caused by your question.
Be ready for more of the same. (New WS who post here on MB do the exact same thing... you watch. It's almost universal.)

Her shame and self-loathing cannot be fully borne by her ego yet... and she's going to blow up at you , making you somehow responsible.

Don't buy it.

And try not to make too much sense of her denial and weird thinking right now. She's not in her right mind and logical thinking should not be expected. She's a mess.

She may return to her former self, but not this week.

Stay cool man.

Accept her uglyness toward you as deflected feelings she actually feels toward herself.

If you have to, just leave the room. There will be no logical thinking, you must accept this for awhile.

Dumb stupid behavior has no rational explaination... "I don't know" is the best you can expect for now.

Pep

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Eric, I'm "on the job" too and also a betrayed spouse. My wife walked into my office 01/26/04 and told me she had moved out. That was my first clue we had a problem. She told me she was unhappy and and didn't want to be married anymore. I asked her if there was someone else and she said there wasn't. Two days later I got my divorce papers. I had already hired an attorney and he told me to do some digging and see what I could find out, his first question was "Who's the other guy?". Well digging for the truth is what us LE guys do, right? I soon found out that she had an affair about seven years ago. Then I got a phone bill where she had about 400 minutes in 2 weeks mostly to one number. From that I got her current lovers name, address, age, place of employment, work phone number, cell phone number, home phone number. I caught her at his house, about a 2 hour drive from where we live. The next day I took the pictures to my attorney and he told me that he had talked to her attorney earlier that morning and been advised that I had caught her. I don't know how she knew but I didn't even get the satisfaction of seeing the look on her face. She denies "dating" this guy before she moved out but I have evidence that puts them together mid November of last year. She continues to see him whenever I have the kids,one night a week, every other weekend, 10 days during spring break, and they have a cruise planned a couple of days after our 17th anniversary and a couple of weeks before our scheduled divorce day. She justifies this because we are seperated and divorcing, the fact that we are still married doesn't matter. The fact that she is destroying her relationship with our kids doesn't matter. It definitely doesn't matter how much she has hurt me. I also have evidence that the guy from seven years ago may still be in the picture. I have told her I do not want a divorce, I want us to work things out and be a family again, she says she can't see it- too many years of my anger, wrath, and abuse. Coworkers will tell you I am the most level headed when the [censored] hits the fan, don't get excited (sometimes to a fault) and never blowup. She gave me an example of abuse by telling me about the time I knocked her down and stood over her screaming- that never happened. I have read here where the wayward spouses brains seem to have been abducted by aliens and something from another planet is controlling them, that sure seem to fit. I am still working towards getting back together but I can't do it by myself, won't do it while she is still involved with her lover, and in reality I'm not sure I want to because the hurt is so bad.
I'm taking meds for depression and to sleep and seeing a shrink. I printed some stuff from this site and took it to him, he said its good solid advice and he has His Needs/ Her Needs. I feel like we are in the right place here and it shows that we are definitely not alone in our situations. I would agree with what others have said about reading. Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley is a good place to start and I would also reccomend Perfect Lies by Pittman. Take care of yourself, eat at least one balanced meal a day. Keep coming here. These people really can and want to help.

Jeff,,, I am also sorry for your dispair in your marriage, like you said it seems as though u didnt exist. My situation does vary from yours I think your pain is greater than mine. Even though I am a wreck and have moved out of my house,, I have received numerous calls from my wife today. I have not answered none of them nor have I responded to any text message. Its not pride its not because I want to make her suffer its because it is advice from my counselor to save the marriage and put the decisions in her hands. Counselor advises I must sever contact even when I see the kids. She must want to be with me because it is truly what she wants. She must understand that I do not want to live a marriage of betrayal, lies, and deceit. By seperating from her I have removed the emotional needs that she required from me. This is the only way she can reflect on our marriage not out of guilt but out of the realization of what an afair can do to a great marriage. She will probably turn to OP for the emotional needs he provided. But she will now lack the emotional needs I provided. OP will not be able to give these emotions to her, and hopefully ultimately her head and heart will be pure of what she wants in her life. If OP does meet the emotional needs I provided then our marriage will end. I have to remember that the afair did not reveal itself, she did not reveal it and she had no intentions of ever telling me how she felt. If I discover the afair and she expresses love, regret, guilt for having the afair. If I react to this as {she just made a mistake she still wants me} then it is me who is deciding the afair is over and That I have her full devotion and love in my life, I cannot be the one to make that decision. Only she can but she has to do it honestly not out of shame or sorry I got caught. If she chooses her life is better without me then another afair was probably in the future. What is everyones opinion on this effort to get my wifes true love restored?

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>

I had a session with my shrink yesterday. Told him I apologized to WW for my one angry outburst since this crap started and apologized for not meeting her ENs. In our previous session he gave it to me in writing the proper way to apologize and I followed his directions to the letter. Its a shame I needed instructions on how to do it but I think it's a guy thing. She said she understood about my angry outburst because of the way she "blindsided me" and she apologized "if she hurt me". I told him how I told her that I wanted us to work things out and her response (negative) and I left it with her that I can not do it by myself. Contact with her has been minimal since. He said that sends her 2 messages:1. That I am still there and willing to get our marriage back together. 2. That I am pulling away. He said both are good. He said me trying to pull her back pushes her away, when I pull away she may pull away also at first but eventually she will PROBABLY see that things might not be as rosy as she pictured and start trying to pull me back and I might want to pull futher away myself. When we both pull toward each other is when we can start working things out. I don't pretend to be a counselor/ psychologist/ psychiatrist but it looks to me like you are doing the same thing, she may have to pull away before she is really ready to commit to your marriage. You might need to decide whether or not you are ready as well.

yes I think so,,, by seperating I am not saying I want it to end I just told her that it is best that I do for the sake of our marriage. This not only protects me from seeing her and being reminded of the repulsing thoughts it triggers, but it also prevents me from saying something I dont mean or something I will regret.

Stay cool. Read the stuff on this site about love busters.

Eric, my heart goes out to you. I sorry this got sprung on you but you are in the right place.

The hard, cold facts are that OM pursued your wife, talked her into giving her out her number, has 3 protective orders from three separate women, bodily assault record and more. I would ask you to consider that your wife's choice (?) in this reflects less on you personally than it does speak to her weaknesses and the power of single minded pursuit from a practiced criminal.

There is simply no excuse for an affair EVER but to focus your mind SOLELY on the betrayal aspect (ie:how could she do this to ME?) when there are malevolent outside influences is short sighted IMO.

Please check out MR. E's last two threads on General Questions titled Down and Out (probably page 3 or 4 by now) and It's All Over But The Crying, he is in the same boat you are. I have been in the same wretched boat as his wife. I don't feel I have enough info on your wife to know the extent to which she operates out of personal choice or coercion. OM's documented record of violence towards women certainly is not comforting.

If the Fog is coupled with coercion it will be a more complicated mess to deal with but you CAN get through this. My marriage today is a testimony to that fact.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but my impression is that you seem more protective of yourself and your feelings than of your wife.You have concrete proof the guy is violent yet you've removed yourself from the home allowing him access into your entire family's life. This makes no sense to me. I am very thankful my husband didn't take that route because I could very well be in the hospital or the morgue instead of here! Please consider this possibility in your own situation. Best, KB

Hello everyone,,, The reason I have not posted in a few days is because it has been a bumpy weekend,, as you know I have moved out of the house,, well over the weekend me and my wife took the children out to the lake and did some boating and picnicing,, I am very suprised to say that it felt very good and OM did not cross my mind at all. MY wife was happy I was happy and the kids were happy. She wants me to come back home so I thought I would try to spend Sunday with her as well to see if we could repeat the day before. Well Sunday was a bad day. I happened to see other man in his car on my way to our house,, it sparked rage and sadness and all my emotions came back to the surface. By the time I got to the house I was like a dead fish to her she couldnt understand How I could have done such a reversal from yesterday. As we tried to talk about how I felt ,, I told her that I saw OM getting out of his car at a parking lot. To get to the whole deal,, she told me that I need to get over this so we can move on,, she said she could not live like this and to come back home. I found myself looking at her and feeling the disgust and hate. I did not want to LB and was fighting to not say anything I would regret. I finally left and went back to my brothers house. After 2 mins of getting in the door my wife pulls in she tells me that she is not giving up on me and that she will fight and do whatever needs to be done to save our marriage. She said she knows how I feel and that she would give anything to change that,, She then fell into a deep cry and began saying things like I hate myself,, I am a slut, and I know I dont deserve your love. I couldnt bear to watch her crying like I had never seen her cry before in my life. I started feeling guilty that I caused this. I held her and we cried together and just like that my emotions were back to love and care for her,,, I was now the one feeling the guilt and regret that I had caused her such pain. We talked and I told her that I never wanted to see her hurting that bad and that I was sorry for the jeckle and hyde situation I was in. I spent the night with her last night. Grandmother watched both of the kids for us. I actually made love to her, and felt as if this whole thing never happened. When I woke up this morning for some reason I felt as though I was weak and I played back into her arms, but it felt so good. Now I have feelings that I used her to temporarily help myself,,, was this whole weekend a mistake, did I do more damage than mending, please tell me your feeling on my actions.

Eric & DeafJeff,
All I can say is "no fair!" You LE guys can get more info on the OP than we, John Q Citizens, can. LOL

If I post the OM's name can you get me some good dirt? just kidding

Seriously Eric, Deafjeff is right about reading up on the Love Busters. You feel justified to be angry I know. Unfortunately it is counter productive to getting your W back.

Maybe I missed it but have you gone to an MD for antidepressants? They really do help flatten out the huge curves of the rollercoaster.

cwmac

Eric,

You said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she told me that I need to get over this so we can move on,, she said she could not live like this and to come back home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ahh.. the number one fatal mistake made by most FWS (especially those that don't go to marriage counseling

Tell your lovely bride that the hurt, humiliation and shame caused by an EA let alone a PA can't go away overnight.

The more she says get over it the more likely you are to feel that she is not regretful and empathetic to your grief. I say grief bc you are experiencing grief not unlike that experienced by a death. It's the death of your ols marriage. Hopefully you can create a new better marriage.

More to follow on othe rbonehead mistakes made by FWS.

cwmac

cwmac,, she didnt tell me to get over it like it was something easy she said she thinks I will never get over it and that I wouldnt return home until I did,, so she felt I had gone for good. She said I just wish you could get over this,, and said if I could see into her heart that I would have no doubt that she loves me and OM was the biggest mistake she ever made in her life. I had lunch with her today and I told her that after my workout that I was coming home. I told her that when I get angry or sad that the furthest I would go is to the bedroom. I told her what I needed from her,, she told me what she needed from me. This was just something I never thought could happen but From this site I have determined no married couple is safe if the situations are made to invite an afair,, it will happen I was not with her at the club,, even though she asked me to go, in fact sometimes she begged me to go. She was intrigued by this lifestyle because her closest friend lived it and I know that if my friends were party animals and I wanted to go out with my friends but wanted my wife to go with me,, and she said its ok you can go I trust you that she would have given me the capability to have an afair,, not saying Im at fault for her decision to have the affair, but I definately contributed to putting her in the atmosphere and to giving her the state of mind to make that decision. I know its only been a month since she ended the A, but she has fought so hard for me and done everything she can to show me her love is very strong for me. I find I am no longer asking how she could have done it,, I think that it is more like how could I have ever thought that i could let my wife could go to a bar every wednesday with her friend,, without me and still not seen this coming. If we are in fact ready to improve our marriage I want to start the rebuilding process as soon as i can so we dont waste a moment in ensuring this cannot happen again. I have decided that it is not best to even talk about the affair ever again, its clear as day how this happened and I pray that the lord, my love , and my devotion as well as hers finds us In a new stronger marriage.

Eric, I am so happy to see your post. Quite a turn around!

QUOTE: I find I am no longer asking how she could have done it,, I think that it is more like how could I have ever thought that i could let my wife could go to a bar every wednesday with her friend,, without me and still not seen this coming.

KB: I know that a major milestone in our recovery was my husband examining himself and understanding that he had a hand in contributing to the distance in our marriage. He did this on his own while I was still very much fogged. Not all BS's are willing to do this as quickly as you have. Good for you, Eric. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your wife and I are lucky women!

QUOTE:If we are in fact ready to improve our marriage I want to start the rebuilding process as soon as i can so we dont waste a moment in ensuring this cannot happen again.

KB: Rebuilding has already begun! Keep reading and learning how to strenghten your marriage. I can't remember who originally said this but if you continue on in the forums be careful not to trigger yourself by reading threads with provocative (to you) titles.

In other words, you will have ups and downs as you recover and you can end up inadvertently dragged down by some of the things you read when you least expect it. Keep your goals for YOUR marriage clear in your head.

Thanks for sharing with us Eric, we're pulling for you two to make it! KB