A good cry always works for me!

Come back and talk later... you have much to share.

Take care..

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Trinity,

I have been a lurker here for several months and have gathered a lot of great advice from others here.
I, too, have been in a similar situation....and I am an ICU RN...go figure.
Anyway, I felt compelled to post to you because I can understand the confusion and inner conflict that you are dealing with right now. My situation is different in that I have a wonderful husband who stood by me through my infidelity and the self-serving fog that I was lost in for a time.

I was involved with a MM off and on for a little over three years and he swore up and down that he loved me, that we were "soul mates", that he wanted to be with me forever. I left my husband, hurt my children and lost the respect of many of my friends for that man. After MM and I finally split I thought I would surely die from the heartache. What a HUGE waste of precious time and tears.

I went into I/C, went on anti-depressants, and started going back to church. There was a reason why I found such a low-life attractive and why I would lower myself to go outside my marriage for fulfillment and I wanted to know why, but, most of all I wanted to stop the pain I was feeling inside. I had a hard time letting go of the fantasy. I wanted to believe that I was really important to MM. I finally reached the point where I just wanted to be finished with anything and everything that had to do with the A...that is when I finally sought help. I agree with Pepperband...you need to get help for youself. Get a different counselor, read some self help books, spend more time on this site. Do things that you can be proud of...volunteer, take some classes, etc. I finally finished my degree after MM and I split...that helped me immensely. You need to develop a love for yourself so that you don't fall into this sort of mess again. I know that intellectually you know that what happened between you and MM was not right, nor did he really love you. I wasted three years of my life wondering if MM really loved me...he certainly said he did, but his actions never backed up his words.

As far as your marriage goes, perhaps it's time to cut your losses there and start devoting your time to yourself and your son.

Once you begin to love yourself MM will become a memory and that is it. You will know that you deserve better.

I will pray for you.

cue

Cue... you did a cool thing.... posting your sad story in order to help Trinity. Really cool.

3 nurses so far .... we need Ark to join us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Trinity....

You are right.... your "feelings" were "beautiful" at the time of your A... Only YOU can know your feelings.

Feelings have no right or wrong.... feelings simply ARE what they are.

But the A relationship was/is and will forever be .... ugly as sin.

If you say to yourself I felt so loved and so beautiful when I was having the affair.... who could argue with that? No one! Because it is the truth about feelings.... Which simply ARE.

But what happends is, in order to defend yourself from judging your ACTIONS, your ego defense mechanism takes over and extends your thoughts to sequential falsehoods...

The lie you must believe yourself is:

"I feel so loved and so beautiful during my affair, this feeling makes the fact that it is an affair unimportant."

Your defenses must stop you from thinking that you are "that kind" of person... and you defend your ACTIONS with false reasoning.

"I feel so loved and so beautiful that must mean I am in love and he is my soulmate."

"Something that feels this wonderful cannot be wrong."

So.... your defensive mind has effectively told you ...

"Adultery is OK if it creats beautiful feelings."

See what is going wrong here.... the feeling has created a false morality.

Now what?

You have a choice.

1. Either adultery is OK behavior with you because it feels nice.....

2. Or adultery is not OK behavior with you although it feels nice...

I just don't see another choice here.

In order to allow your good self a peaceful place to dwell inside your own head... you had to create an intellectual word within your head where adultery is OK ... because YOU ARE a nice and good person... So.... you focus on the "feelings" and ignore the facts that those feelings may be good, but they are not going to last, and more than that.... they are adultery-based.

If your moral code says adultery is a sin... you are stuck defending something you don't believe in!!!

And this is a spiritual crisis!

Everytime you say that the adultery was the most beautiful relationship you ever had... you bury your moral code deeper. And you suffer spiritually.

The facts are painful... and make you cry...

But you are crying over lost "feelings" ... which were based on sequential little lies you told yourself.

You have some mourning to do.

Pep

Cue & Pep~

Thanks so much for your kind words and understanding. You both said something to the effect that proceding with my D would be the best thing right now, and I agree. I think I am finally ready to put that part of my life to rest. Tomorrow the final paper needed to finalize my D is going in the mail. Partly because of what you all have said here, and also because yesterday I received a voice mail on my cell from my H. "I just called to say I love you. I told you I would call. But don't call me back. I call you tomorrow." Hmphh. Don't call back because OW would be there. I am sick to death of sneaking around to see or talk to my H. And, I feel that somehow my going along with it condones his behavior. So, I am going to do what is going to give me closure and enable me to start living a healthy life.

Pep, you also said something about me being a rescuer. I have thought long and hard about that. You are right. At least where my H is concerned. When I left him, part of my pain in leaving was that I knew he wasn't working, and I knew he would struggle financially. I felt bad about that. I left a lot of my valuable things behind so that he wouldn't have to do without, knowing that I would be able to replace the things I left. Now, OW is enjoying the benefits of my hard work, and that irritates me. But, oh well. Cut my losses as you say.

Pep, what you said in your last post was very profound. During my A (and this is the first time I've referred to it as that, an A) I did think, how can something that feels so right be so wrong? I did push aside my morals because of how beautiful it felt. And I was making myself believe that it was ok. 1. because she kicked him out, 2. because my H was in an A, and 3. because it did feel right and beautiful at the time. All this time, I have had feelings of shame that would come up and I would push them aside. I didn't want to face that truth...that what I had done was not right, that it was not beautiful, and that it did go against everything I had ever known and been taught. And I didn't want to put myself in the same catagory as my H's GF. But deep down I knew the truth. I was living a fantasy, and I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to stop loving him or believing that he loved me. I honestly think we were both in a fog. But we did love each other. It just wasn't right. And he knew it. And I knew it. But he had more morals than I was willing to admit, and he was stronger to pull out of it. That is why he went back to her. I can sit here and try to make her the bad guy. I can listen to all the horror stories of what a bad person she is. And she may very well be all of those things I've heard. But the bottom line is that she is his W, and he did the right thing by returning to her and ending our A. We talked about the fact that we were commiting adultury. And I gave every excuse I could think of to get him to stay. And he struggled too. That is why he went back, and then left to come back to me, and then returned to her again. Because he knew that what he was doing was a sin, and no matter how "right" it felt, no matter how much we loved each other, the only right thing for him to do was to reconcile with his W.

I knew it then, I know it now. And I guess, I didn't want to face that. I didn't want to admit that I was sinning. Somehow it was easier to think that he left me because she was manipulating him, than to say he left me because it was the right thing to do.

And I got mad at God. When I was first separated from my husband, I was so emotionally sick. I lost weight, I stopped eating, I was literally dying inside. I begged him and pleaded with him to give us another chance. I came here. I read every book on infidelity and reconciling that I could get my hands on. I was so intent on saving my M that I had no desire to be with anyone else. However, I got to a point where I said, "OK God, if I am not supposed to be with H then show me who I am supposed to be with." Then OM entered my life. At first it was just casual aquaintances and I was pushing aside the nagging feeling that this was the answer to that prayer. But when his W kicked him out and he moved in with my sister and her H, we began to see each other more regularly. And then I believed that he was the answer to my prayer. I believed that! Uggghhh! So, when things didn't work out, I questioned God. Why would he give me something so beautiful and then take it away? Why did he allow me to go through more pain after all I had suffered at the hands of my H?

I've come up with several reasons why. 1. God allows free will 2. Satan is constanly working in our lives to pull us away from God 3. He wanted to show me that not all men are like my H.

Couldn't God have shown me in a different way that all men are not like my H? Sure. But, I will say this about my A. 1. OM did treat me good. Ok, so maybe all MM treat their OW good. But for me, it was an eye opener. It caused me to raise my standards in what I want from a man. More so now than even then. Because now another standard has been set. One that I thought I had in place before, but certainly now one that I will never waver from again....I will never be involved with a MM again. 2. This whole ordeal has brought me closer to God. Yes, at first I was angry at Him. But, I've learned that that's ok. God understands. But the most important lesson I've learned is that God is in control of my life, He has a perfect will for my life, and as difficult as it is sometimes, I have learned to give up my will for His.

Still, knowing all of that, admitting to all of that, my heart still aches. And I have to be honest is saying it still aches for OM. I'm sorry. That's how this post got started in the first place. I guess it just doesn't go away the minute you accept the truth. I have prayed hard to let it go, to let him go, to move on. I have become involved in other activities to reroute my mind. I joined a Bible Study group. I've joined a health club. I am looking for things to do to keep me occupied and keep my mind in the right direction. But every now and then, thoughts of him return, and my heart breaks again. I guess there is no way to make it stop. Maybe instead of letting the thoughts take over, I should practice pushing them away.

Another thing I need to start doing is not defending my actions, but instead, take accountability for what I did.

Thank you. And Pep, you are right, now it's time to mourn. But only for a little while....

You both said something to the effect that proceding with my D would be the best thing right now, and I agree.

Be aware I was expressing my opinion... and I don't know anything about your M other than what you've written here.

Your M might be worthy of more effort!!! It might!

But only if you want to do the work.

Filing may just bring your H to his senses.

But this is your decision, because it is your life.

Use your principles and your values to make this important decision. My opinion is worth the paper it's printed on.... nada! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LOL

Pep

Just so you know....

Pep, you also said something about me being a rescuer. I have thought long and hard about that. You are right.

It takes one member of the devine rescue sisterhood to quickly recognize a sister-member! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think Cue has membership as well..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But, Al-Anon is helping me ..... and if you have never been to a meeting .... I encourage you to go.


Pep

And I got mad at God.

Have to smile.... me too, BTDT.

Why would he give me something so beautiful and then take it away? Why did he allow me to go through more pain after all I had suffered at the hands of my H?

Yup. Too big a question for our pea-brains... that's for sure!


Still, knowing all of that, admitting to all of that, my heart still aches. And I have to be honest is saying it still aches for OM. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. This pain is real. I know that you understand .... this is a mourning period for you...

And you are not only mourning the loss of MM if you are completely honest...

You are also mourning the loss of yourself.

But your faith will carry you.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:

Be aware I was expressing my opinion... and I don't know anything about your M other than what you've written here.

Your M might be worthy of more effort!!! It might!

But only if you want to do the work.

Filing may just bring your H to his senses.

But this is your decision, because it is your life.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually filed the papers last October. It didn't do much except to make H realize he was losing me. And really all that brought was more unfulfilled words and broken promises. I have put more effort into this M than he ever has, and I don't really think he is worth any more effort from me. If anything, I deserve more effort from him. But a phone call here and there to tell me he loves and misses me just ain't getting it. Words without action to back them up mean nothing to me now. So, please don't think that just because you said it I'm doing it. That ball had already been rolling. Last month the judge granted my petition for divorce, all I have to do is send the last paper in and it is final. I've been putting it off, probably because of that rescuer side of me, but not any more. If he wants me back, he will have to prove to me that he's changed, and people have been known to remarry after divorce. But, bottom line, I can't put my life on hold anymore. And I feel that this is holding me back.