I am continuing from my original topic because my topic is being pushed down further and I don't think anyone is recognizing it and replying to it anymore. I sincerely need some more feedback on all of this. I really want to tell him, but I don't want him to feel differently about me. He adores me. I have told him I am all his and vice versa. Making this mistakes makes me a liar. I feel I have been selfish and don't think about other people's feelings when I make choices in life. I use people for my own pleasure or sometimes I just cannot say no, or I feel I don't think of the consequences when it's all said and done. I love him so much but I feel that if I tell him, things will be ruined. I think my boyfriend may even say to me, why did you even tell me, you should have just kept it from me cause I don't want to know. Just like I wouldn't want to know if he cheated on me. I wouldn't care if he cheated ever because it's just sex with other people, but it's love with us. But I know he is the most faithful man out there..and that he is a one woman man. He was with ex wife for 13 years and never cheated. He is not like that and I can see that in his personality, especially when we go to a strip club togehter or see a pretty woman walk by or talk with us. He loves me to death as I do him. Can't I eventually forgive myself, love myself again, and just keep this from him? I would rather have the hurt, and the guilt, then to push it all on him and ruin the relationship and HURT HIM SO MUCH. Please look at my other topic if you need to know the whole story. Thank you so much for your feedback, I really need comforting today. I want to just die.

Hello,

It is just my opinion but that you are still disrespecting and humiliating him by not being honest. You are attempting to justify your behavior by saying it was just sex and not love.
Your boyfriend has been open and honest with you but you wish to remain closed and dishonest with him. Shouldn't you boyfriend have all of the information so he can decide whether or not he wishes to remain with you? Why do you play God about what he should or should not know? Doesn't he have the right to have honesty and trusthfulness from you instead of dishonesty and betrayal. It seems to me that the bottom line is that you do not wish to suffer any type of consequences for cheating on your boyfriend. Your boyfriend has a right to know that you cheated on him. Otherwise you are just manipulating him for your own selfishness. How can you not see this? Shouldn't your relationship be based on a foundation of truth and honesty instead of lies and betrayal? The choice is yours. I wish you luck.

It is just my opinion but that you are still disrespecting and humiliating him by not being honest. I AGREE.

You are attempting to justify your behavior by saying it was just sex and not love. I AGREE.

Your boyfriend has been open and honest with you but you wish to remain closed and dishonest with him. Shouldn't you boyfriend have all of the information so he can decide whether or not he wishes to remain with you? YES, OF COURSE.

Why do you play God about what he should or should not know? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM TO HURT AGAIN BECAUSE OF HIS EXWIFE. AND I WANT HIM TO BE ABLE TO TRUST ME AND ANY FUTURE WOMAN IF HE CHOSES NOT TO STAY WITH ME.

Doesn't he have the right to have honesty and trusthfulness from you instead of dishonesty and betrayal. YES.

It seems to me that the bottom line is that you do not wish to suffer any type of consequences for cheating on your boyfriend. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SUFFER OR OUR RELATIONSHIP... I DON'T CARE IF I SUFFER.

Your boyfriend has a right to know that you cheated on him. Otherwise you are just manipulating him for your own selfishness. TRUE.

How can you not see this? Shouldn't your relationship be based on a foundation of truth and honesty instead of lies and betrayal? YES THAT IS WHAT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN BASED ON.

The choice is yours. I wish you luck. [/QB][/QUOTE] I'M ALSO AFRAID HE WILL GO BACK AND TELL MY EX-BEST FRIEND WHOM SHE WILL NEVER BE MY FRIEND AGAIN AFTER HEARING THAT. AND THEN BOTH OF THEM WILL NEVER BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE ME EITHER. I FEEL IF I TELL HIM, OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CHANGE AND HE MAY STAY WITH ME BUT WILL NOT FEEL THE SAME TOWARDS ME.

ALSO, MY BOYFRIEND SAID TO ME ONCE THAT HE KNEW THIS COUPLE WHERE THIS WOMAN TOOK THIS MAN BACK AFTER HE CHEATED, AND SHE NEVER RESPECTED HIM AND EVEN SAID "THIS ******* TOOK ME BACK" AND ENDED UP TREATING HIM WITH NO RESPECT AND LIKE HE WAS A LOSER FOR TAKING HER BACK.

When one chooses to be irresponsible selfish and cowardly by choosing to go get high rather than call boyfriend and say I love you, I'm being tempted to go get high and you're my best friend, please help, I am in essence saying that I am the only one who matters! If cheating or getting high is the way one spouse chooses to make himself feel better, he is showing that the family is insignificant compared to his own desires. The spouse is nothing more than a bug to be squashed on his way to selfish indulgence.

I totally believe this and want help on how to stop being selfish so that I can grow up and always show him he is the most significant and important person in my life, but choosing to run for help instead of doing what I did. I feel he will never trust me for sure again because I didn't go to him for help. Why do I sometimes care more about myself than others, even though I love them so much and show them so much love?

Hello again,

Again this is just my opinion but you cannot live your life out of fear. You made a mistake but you are compounding the mistake by covering it up. By being honest you are showing respect and honor to your boyfriend. You are being honest to him out of love and respect. Nobody is perfect in this world. If your boyfriend or your friend refuses to be your friend then they are not much of a friend are they? It is their choice on how they wish to live. It is your choice to be an honorable person and be truthful and sincere to the people you care about. Again a relationship must be based on a foundation of truth and honesty. Don't be afraid of being an honest person. You have a choice to be an honest person. They have a choice to accept or not accept your honesty. Pain is part of life and the consequences or our actions. True love is based on forgiveness not the concealment of truth and the fear of consequences. If you truly love your boyfriend you will tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Only the truth shall really set you free and I think down deep you know this. I again wish you luck.

I really want to tell him,

then tell him

but I don't want him to feel differently about me.

you don't EVER get to control how he feels ... not just about this subject!

He adores me.

The real you or the false you?

I have told him I am all his and vice versa. Making this mistakes makes me a liar.

Yes. You have lied in the past.... if you make the choice to continue to lie... that makes you a HABITUAL liar.

You decide which you want to be...

a past liar who came clean?

or

a habitual liar?

Just realize this ... you are, with these decisions, choosing your character.

If you choose to remain this superficial, your depth of emotional and spiritual character will never improve.

Pep

He adores the real me, as I have always been my real true self to him. I have not told him truth about my past relationships although he does know that I have cheated in the past, but not how much. I feel what I did in past relationships shouldn't matter in current ones.

Just realize this ... you are, with these decisions, choosing your character. TRUE

If you choose to remain this superficial, your depth of emotional and spiritual character will never improve. OMG SO TRUE. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM.. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH... HOW CAN I TELL HIM IN AN EASY WAY... DO I HAVE TO GIVE HIM ALL OF THE INFORMATION?

Growing a deeper more meaningful characher

involves

risk
pain
courage
strength
action
honesty

You cannot control HIS response... that belongs to HIM.

Pep

I have always been my real true self to him, except by telling him about these two relapses and being with this other man. I guess if I continue to not tell him, I will be a fake person and a liar, and superficial. I want to heal so bad and don't want to be a bad person. He makes me want to be a better person and a good and truthful person. I just know that it will devastate him and he will have a hard time trusting me again and I may lose the best realtionship I ever had, and same with him. He never felt like this with anyone, not even his wife. I just don't know how to tell him, what exactly to tell him, and how to convince him that I love him. He always says to me why am I with him, I'm so pretty and can get any guy I want..>that I should be with a good looking rich man, who wants to give me children. My boyfriend is all that, and I try and convince him I love him and he is all I want. I don't want him to think he is not good enough for me because that is not why I did it. I don't know why I did it actually. Maybe to test my strength, maybe to be selfish, and then when I was high, I just don't have a concious. I don't know how to heal, how to do all of this and still have him be my best friend to get through this together. He won't respect me anymore and will always have it in the back of his mind that I did this and that maybe I'm not for him.

And even if he doesn't stay with me, I don't want to devastate him because he is such a good person and doesn't deserve to be treated like the way I did. Why did I do such a thing? Why do I make such stupid mistakes at 34 years old? When and how am I going to ever grow up and respect people the way they should be? I know I would never do anythign like this to him when I'm straight...

What substance do you use to get high?

The substance I used was crack/cocaine.

He has supported me so much with helping me stay off this drug. When we weren't committed and were just best friends, he was able to forgive me for ****ing up and wanted to help me and be my friend. He wanted to be committed but then said if I **** up, it may be harder for him to take me back because he has 3 kids and doesn't want that in his life. He wants me to meet his kids but doesn't want me to hurt them one day by having me disappear for 1-3 days and him have to tell them, oh she went on a crack binge and isn't around and doesn't know wehre I am. I feel that he would also be afraid to be with me bcause he thinks I don't know what I want in life and that I still want to get high. I do know what I want (a happy life with him) and a marriage and trusting relationship and to be clean from all drugs, it's just sometimes it's just that I ****ed up after 5 months of being clean and now I feel like ****, and did it again and I don't want to again because I hurt him so bad this time by being with that man. I thought I would feel that way the first time but I guess I justified that sitting naked watching porn wasn't cheating, and I tested myself to see if I would hang out and do the same but I ended up doing more, like stroking him, etc. probably because I was high and wasn't thinking and didn't care cause I just wanted another hit. I felt I was justifying by saying hey it's just like doing a strip tease in a strip club and getting paid for it.

Also here is another question. What if I decide to tell him, but want to wait a year so that he could see that I am clean and faithful and trustworthy? Then I would open up and tell him everything!!!

Iwant,

If you want to be honest there is only one way: Be honest with yourself and your BF.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you play God about what he should or should not know? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM TO HURT AGAIN BECAUSE OF HIS EXWIFE. AND I WANT HIM TO BE ABLE TO TRUST ME AND ANY FUTURE WOMAN IF HE CHOSES NOT TO STAY WITH ME. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He can never trust you unless you are trustworthy. That means you have to be open with him and tell him the truth. Right now he trusts a fantasy NOT YOU. He will never trust future women if you don't act in a trustworthy fashion and that means admitting your failures.

You mentioned children, specifically his children and your drug abuse. Young lady (and you are young) you cannot put those children at risk by your behavior, you simply cannot do that. Get more counseling, address the drug addiction, and be honest again with yourself and your BF.

There is much more at stake than his hurt feelings. Please realize this.

God Bless,

JL

Do you go to 12 step meetings?

How often?

Pep

He can never trust you unless you are trustworthy. That means you have to be open with him and tell him the truth. BUT DOESN'T THAT MAKE ME UNTRUSTWORTHY EVEN SO IF I DO TELL HIM?

Right now he trusts a fantasy NOT YOU. BUT I AM AN HONEST PERSON AND TRUSTWORTHY NOT A FANTASY PERSON. I GUESS HE WILL THINK I'M HONEST AND TRUSTWORTHY WHEN I BETRAYED HIM, AND THAT IS NOT RIGHT. WHAT IF I DON'T TELL HIM AND JUST BE GOOD FROM NOW ON, ISN'T THAT OKAY TOO? WHAT IF I WAIT A YEAR BEFORE TELLING HIM SO THAT I CAN PROVE THAT I AM TRUSTWORTHY AND NOT DOING DRUGS ANYMORE TOO?

No, I do not do meetings or anything, I'm not in a program because I still enjoy drinking wine occassionally and my boyfriend does drink beer. I never had a problem with that, it's the cocaine that I had problem with.

No, I do not do meetings or anything, I'm not in a program because I still enjoy drinking wine occassionally and my boyfriend does drink beer. I never had a problem with that, it's the cocaine that I had problem with.