Lordslady - Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. We went through hell with my step-daughter. She started having sex when she was 14. I took her in to the doctor for shots to keep her from getting pregnant. She was not responsible enough to use birth control pills, and was very promiscuous.

When she turned 18, she told me it was none of my business, and stopped the shots. Then she got pregnant 3 times (in one year) and had 3 abortions. It was very heartbreaking.

And she was raised in Church. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do. They make their own decisions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>
So tell me how I now give up the identity I finally found in myself and become the submissive wife who is content just to have her family under one roof by the end of the night.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whoa Whoa... submissive? Yikes... whoever said that? Gaaaa...

No giving up the new and improved you! No! You are on a wonderful journey and it is just the beginning!

Chill.

I understand you are upset about your daughter. And I agree with JL. She needs to be reigned in. I don't think you'd be all that successful in an overall crack down, but I definately think it's time to seriously set some boundries. This is what I needed when I was her age, but there was no-one able/willing to do it.

I think you need to find a loving way to say that if she can't respect curfews and stop stealing, that her lifestyle will be undergoing a very severe change. I know you are afraid of losing her, but if she doesn't learn some respect for you and your rules, you will lose her for sure. Enough is enough.

I'm so sorry you are faced with all these issues. Just remember, nothing is permanent.

dewt

I think you need to find a loving way to say that if she can't respect curfews and stop stealing, that her lifestyle will be undergoing a very severe change.

The question here is HOW ??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I work, and I don't get home until around 6pm at the earliest. She is home all day now because she's out of school. She leaves whenever she pleases, and her friends are all kind enough to come get here against my wishes.

I have to go to my sis's this coming Friday night for our annual garage sale (it's more of a sister/sister social event). I spend the night and then we have the sale in her small town on Saturday and then I come home.

Told my DD she was going with me. She informed me that she's not, because she always has a show she attends on Friday night. Okay...I have to work on Friday. How do I get her in my car? And what do I do if I can't? I don't want to cancel plans. I shouldn't have to cancel plans. DD shouldn't rule my life. But if she's gone, I don't know what else to do. I don't want her at 14 staying home with no supervision. DS will be here, but he's 18, and a bit more responsible.

Do I ask WH to come watch her? He can't take her down with him in the camper. I don't want her around mutual person. If I ask him to come up, no guarantee he even will because it's his weekend, but if he did, isn't this using him?

UGH!! (And Believer, I don't even want to think about DD doing what your SD did. That's scare. I admit I was only 15 when I slept with WH, and continued it through my teens. I was not a Christian. I look back now and I deeply regret it. But we were both very responsible and careful. She did say they used protection--small consolation. Still just makes me sick!

BTW, is this something I should disclose to WH? He's going to have a complete meltdown if he finds out and will probably blame me for my lack of control. (And obviously I DO lack it!)

DD has been fairly pleasant today. She even cleaned her room (her version of clean as opposed to mine) today without being asked. A rarity. I think she does feel feel bad about things. But when I tried to talk with her again tonight about things, she shut me out immediately and told me I was making too big a deal of things.

LL

WH and I did a few back and forth texts tonight (our only form of communication lately), and there was one that came back to me something like this...

"I'm getting vibes that you feel that you and the kids are better off without me."

I didn't know how to answer. In a way it's true at the moment. But I'm really struggling with what God's will is. So I responded something like this...

"Adultery, alcohol, anger, drugs and lack of respect don't make a healthy marriage or a healthy person. I worry about you but only you can change yourself."

His response, "The door swings both ways."

Mine back, "I know I'm not perfect. Trying."

It's been pretty silent since then.

Did I do bad bringing up all those things? I didn't even mention God or beliefs. I can't force those, but know they make all the difference.

I'm really torn this evening. Feel really pulled to go back for his sake because I don't want him to mess up his life beyond hope, but don't want to mess mine up either.

Why does everything have to be so complex? Can I just go back and be 6 again and be in elementary school where my day consists of coloring, learning to read, and adding 2+2? (I'd like to skip the ages between 12 and 16 though, please. Too awkward and painful. Once was enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

LL

can you afford a sitter? a neighbor to make a point? the point being that if she can't be trusted to act responsilbe, she will have to be supervised. how about camp, sleep away? anything to get her away from the situation and show her there are consequences.

also, what have you done for this incident? have you taken her tv away? her radio? her clothes?

you're dealing with enough right now, from what i've read of you. i would try to nip this in the bud as quickly as possible. at her age, she is testing the boundaries of your rules. she will continue to do so until it's to uncomfortable for her not to.

but i wish you good luck...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Adultery, alcohol, anger, drugs and lack of respect don't make a healthy marriage or a healthy person. I worry about you but only you can change yourself."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perfect! Good job restating your boundaries and showing compassion at the same time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His response, "The door swings both ways."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't want to take a good hard look at himself, so he tosses the focus back onto you. Forgeddaboudit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm really torn this evening. Feel really pulled to go back for his sake because I don't want him to mess up his life beyond hope,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO NO NO NO NO!
Since when can you control whether or not he messes his life up beyond hope? This is an insane line of thinking. Get thee to Al-Anon, pronto!

The last poster had a good question - what types of repercussions have there been for your DD? My stepson was nowhere near the trouble your D is, but when he started sliding on his homework, he lost "distractions". We did it in increments until he focused on his school again and earned back the distractions - TV, phone, computer, posters on his wall, etc.

One time he locked the door and we couldn't wake him in the morning and he lost his bedroom door for a week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He hated that!

What have I done to punish DD for this last incident? Uh...nothing yet. I told her she will be punished, but that I wasn't sure what I was going to do yet. It sort of loses it's effect when I do that.

She doesn't watch TV in her room. No cable. She does have a stereo, but if I take it away (and that would be a good one), she can't sleep, so then she brings blankets and all down to our family room and cranks my stereo there after I go to bed.

I could take the computer. I'd have to lock my bedroom door every day, though, so that she couldn't get on mine.

I do risk, if I take things away, her just being gone that much more often and not telling me where she's going. She's done it before. But if I do nothing, I'm not doing her any favors.

I want her to go with me this weekend to my sis's and she's refusing. That's what I'm trying to figure out right now. It is physically impossible to force her into the car. I asked WH if he could stay with her, but he's been invited to someone's birthday party, so isn't sure.

A friend of mine at work also suggested that I should take her in and get birth control shots. I am in complete denial right now. I feel like that would be condoning what she's doing, and I'm also afraid she'd expose herself to even more diseases that way, but I also don't want to be raising my grandchild in a year. (My sis-in-law had her third child while on the shots, though, so they're not foolproof!)

Sometimes, do you just feel like life is a dream and you'll wake up soon??

LL

I had another "fall apart" day today...

I was driving to work thinking about our family vacation last July. I could still remember us driving down out of the California desert in the night and he and the kids seeing the expanse of the L.A. lights for the first time (I've been to CA before).

I started crying. I cried all the way to work. I sent him a text reminding him of the trip. I walked into the office with watery eyes and a pink nose. Not good!

I think I'm also a little blue because he called this morning to say insurance is close to settling on his wrecked truck and that someone is interested in buying it, wrecked, from him, along with the camper of ours that he is currently living in.

I know I'd never stay in that camper again--I know what has gone on there with he and OW. And I think it would be good to sell it, and probably his truck, and him get a car that gets better than the 12mpg that the truck gets (which would then rule out camping forever, though, even if we got back together--no truck to pull a camper).

However, if he loses his camper "home", he is probably looking at two options--come home (which I don't think he's ready for and I'm not either), OR move to an apartment which at this point, OW would move into as well (he already told me a while back that's what would happen if he gave up the camper).

It's sort of weird. One minute I don't want him back because I don't want the marriage we had before and I certainly don't want what he currently is, but on the other hand when I think about all the things of "ours" going away (the truck we special-ordered, our camper), I feel a loss and I think deep down inside I'm afraid to let him go.

Our conversation this morning about the truck and insurance and all was friendly. No R talk, or it wouldn't have been. He illuded to OW with respect to the cell phone he's going to be switching his junk one for, but didn't really speak her name or say he'd been with her, so it was nice.

Maybe we can be friends and then just see what happens. By that I don't mean "date" right now. I mean just be friends, just to see if we can even speak to each other for any length of time.

He was a little ticked at me for getting a new car battery all by myself. Wanted to know where I got it, who put it in for me (a GIRL, no less, from the battery place), and why I didn't call him (because it was Sunday morning and he was 40 miles away).

And he's still planning on house-sitting for me next week when the kids and I go to Florida. I will try to have the place relatively clean when he comes so he doesn't freak out about it being dirty, and then we'll see what it looks like when I get back.

Which, BTW, means you'll all get a 7-day break from my rantings next week!!!!

LL

LL, It is normal to think what you are thinking. I have the same problems with consequences for the kids too. Do worry about ranting or whining or anything here. THis is the place for doing so, since you can not do it to your WH. Please enjoy your vacation, relax and come back with tons of energy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>
The question here is HOW ??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consequences. She goes out without following the rules of curfew and disclosure, no more going out. If she balks at this, you can let her know you WILL call the authorities.

Even we adults have to live according to certain rules and regulations and when we choose to ignore them, we suffer the consequences. Better that she learn this now rather than later. Take it from me.

At her age I was rebelious too and my Mom couldn't (wouldn't) control me. As a result, I ended up on the streets of Montreal, doing lots of bad drugs and paving the way for a life of failure and misery. Thankfully school was such a party or I'd have never gotten college education. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Tell her you love her but that she has a mistaken impression of what a 14 yr old girl is ALLOWED to do and not do. You, her MOM, make the rules until she is 18 yrs old. IF she can handle the responsibilities and freedoms she DOES have, she can earn more. But the way things are going now, she's earning nothing but trouble. If she comes home pregnant, she'll really learn what it's like to lose her freedom. If she overdoses or gets raped at a party... these are horrible experiences that she has no business having...

Sorry to rant... I get worked up over this because no one was around to reign me in when I was her age. I would have hated it then, and railed against it, but my life now would be oh-so-very different...

dewt

dewt is right. you are in serious trouble with your daughter, you will need to fight now.

i would suggest you take her radio, and if you have to, take the family room one as well. take the computer, and yes, lock your door! take her clothes, leave her basic jeans and shirts, enough for a week.

if she is running around like this, she deserves no special privileges. those are for those who have earned them. with her behavior, she needs to see severe consequences. at 14, if she's already staying out late and ignoring you when you tell her what you expect, you must stop her downhill slide now, or you just may lose her forever.

does she have a phone, a beeper? not anymore. start small. she can't use them for a week or so. and stick to it so she knows your serious. if she takes off again, you may have to call the police.

what about the parents of her friends? have you spoken with them? tell them that because of her recent behavior, you would appreciate that they no longer allow your daughter in their house for the time being. she goes nowhere, does nothing, until you feel she's being more responsible?

i know you probably fear losing her, that she will run away if you put your foot down. while nobody can say for sure that you won't lose her if you hang tough, chances are you will lose her if you do not.

your daughter needs you right now. she may be acting out because she knows your attention is split, and held elsewhere. she's pushing the boundaries, and you need to put a stop to that fast!

man, it is sad though, as if you didn't have enough to deal with lately! when it rains, it pours...

Stuff suggested sounds relatively easy in theory, but....

She has no special clothes. She's into the ratty, torn look anyway and wears everything others give her. I rarely buy her clothes because she doesn't like them.

No phone of her own. No beeper. We have only cordless phones in our house, so she always grabs them and takes them wherever she wants, but it's hard to confiscate them because then they never get charged and then I have no phone.

The computer could go. Her radio could, too. The stereo in the family room--a lot tougher--it's a big component system from the '80's.

what about the parents of her friends? have you spoken with them? tell them that because of her recent behavior, you would appreciate that they no longer allow your daughter in their house for the time being. she goes nowhere, does nothing, until you feel she's being more responsible?

THIS is my biggest problem. In the day of cell phones, I have no idea what her friends' last names even are, let alone where they really live, because most of her friends have cell phones and their names don't come up on caller ID. She will seldom give out a last name. And her friends are from all over the city, because she met them at the mall she goes to.

It has frustrated me to no end to not know where to find her, and to not be able to call parents and speak with them.

And her friends, like many teenagers, are kind enough to pick her up and take her our before I get home, even if I've told her or them she can't go. When she got expelled from her HS last fall, even though she wasn't supposed to leave campus, she had about three friends who would take her anyway, even knowing they were causing her to violate school rules. (At least in the alternative school she went to this spring, it was small enough she couldn't skip. I just have my hands full now that she's out for summer.)

I know she's out of hand. I have called the authorities in the past. Unfortunately, they can only really help if I have no idea where she's gone because that's the only way they can put her in the system as a runaway. Otherwise, there's not much they can do unless she's caught doing something she's not supposed to be doing.

And what do I do about the issue that I don't even want to admit is an issue? Do I take her to a doctor and get her birth control shots? I hate that because I see it as condoning.

I have NOT told WH about that latest revelation. I know I should. She's his daughter, too. But I don't feel like being railed on for my lack of proper parenting.

And regarding curfews, do I just start now and set them and then start taking away the few things she has, or should I still punish her for the wee-morning fiasco that started this latest conversation about her?

------------------------------------------------
BTW, was in checking WH's bank account (I love seeing how he spends his money--shame on me) and noticed a $62 tab at one of the steak houses in town on 6/3. That should have been a pretty decent dinner for two. So I ask myself, why is he out of money and having to use our charge card and then promising to pay me later? Perhaps a romantic dinner at Taco Bell would have been more within reason... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

well, i for one would suggest a clean slate. talk to her, and tell her that things can not continue as they are, that you are looking into possible consequences for any future behavior. tell her that you do not approve of what she did, but are willing to start clean.

ask her for the names of her friends. if she won't get them, then she can not use the phone. i know it will be hard to have to hide all the phones, but if she's like my 13 year old, it's a big privelege!

and as for the shot, i would say yes. and i would not look at it as condoning, but as protection. people use the air bag analogy quite a bit, it doesn't mean that you're encouraging a crash, you're just trying to minimize the risk of damage if it should occur. if you are really worried about what might be, it's best to protect her now. i know of no girls who suddenly decided to start having sex because they were on the pill, but plenty who didn't look into the pill until afterward. and a few more, like myself, who didn't even look into anything because those things don't happen to us. again, it's not condoning, at least not in my opinion!

but i love the romantic dinner at taco bell line! although if money is that tight, two for tuesday night at domino's may be more in order...

WH stopped briefly at the house tonight to pick up his bills and his truck title so that he can settle with the insurance company. Sounds like he' seriously entertaining an offer to sell his camper and the wrecked truck (he'd buy it back from insurance and then sell it) as a package.

He's looking at an old junky car that gets better mileage and is talking of fixing up an "apartment" of sorts at a coworkers shop down the street from his. The coworker just uses it for storage, but it has an office area where there is a couch and a bathroom, I think. It's old and dirty and the stuff is falling from the ceiling. Guess he'd only have to walk 1/2 block to work and the money is probably right (as in free if he'll do the fixing up.)

He also told me about going to the sleazy dance bar of days gone by where OW first did her little dance with the short skirt and the thong that made him so uncomfortable. Guess he was back there a few nights ago drinking double-Jacks and got drunk enough that he almost picked a fight with some guys who I assume were trying to hustle OW. He even got lippy with a bouncer. He is SO unlike who he used to be. Angry, yes, but never a fighter. But he says it like he's proud of himself.

I know he's still seeing her and was with her, I think, just last night, but I asked him if he'd mind taking me on a short motorcycle ride some evening when it's not rainy. He agreed. (Dewt, if you're reading this--this is as close as I can come to spending time with him.)

It gets more pathetic. Because it's been rainy off and on and all he has is the Harley, and because it's an hour drive from his camper to work and gas is expensive, he's been spending several nights at his automotive shop. He sleeps in a car or something, and then says he's showered several times with a garden hose and a bucket of Dawn. How sad is that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I actually feel beyond sorry for him. I can't describe the feeling other than to say I almost think it's more painful than how I felt knowing he was having an A. It's worse to watch a strong man shrivel down into such a sorry un-Christian mess. I'm so afraid he'll end up killing himself in an accident, or by mixing booze and drugs, or that he'll get so dispondent he'll commit suicide. Or just as scary, what if he permanently disables himself. I am so afraid for both his earthly life and his eternal future...

You guys know this is REALLY hard for me! I admit I'm codependent, but I also love him--not like a husband at this point, but still as a part of my life and as someone who I wish only the best for. Everything in me, while it doesn't want him back as a H right now, wants to try to help him. But I CAN'T, and I won't. I have to let him live on his own. I have to keep telling myself he's 39 years old. He's just screwing it up so badly!
It breaks my heart! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

When he went to leave, he reached out like he was going to shake my hand, and then he laughed and put his arm around me and hugged me. That's when I couldn't hold together any longer and tears started to well in my eyes. I told him if we ever get back together, I want a real marriage, not a fake one. He nodded. Told him I didn't want what we had before. But then I told him I have a LOT of visions of OW in my brain that are going to be a lot of work to get past. Started crying. He told me to stop it. (Actually it was at this point he told me the story about drinking and trying to pick the fight at the bar.) I told him I couldn't deal with the drinking and that it was going to ruin his life if he didn't quit.

I then told him to be careful, and that I would always care about him. And he drove away.

One year ago he and I were gearing up for our California trip with the kids. He was dry. He was faithful. He lived in a nice house with his wife, kids, dogs, cats, and turtles. What a difference one little year can make! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

{{{{{LL}}}}}}}

sigh.

dewt

LL, you are very good hearted. For many, I day dreamed many times that Wh got killed in a car accident, things would have been much easier for me. But I immediate shake my head and asked GOD to forgive my such sinful thought. It is a very hard battle inside me.

LL,

I know how hard it is to put rules on a rebellious teen when you're at work and they're at home in the summertime.

My next door neighbor was having some minor problems with her teen daughter, and as a result the teen lost phone priveleges. My neighbor actually unplugged all the phones and took them to work with her, and carted one back and forth in the car so she'd have a phone when she was at home but so the daughter couldn't use it while mom was at work.

It was some extra effort, but it sure made a difference in that particular situation.

I like the clean slate idea, and requesting the names of friends your daughter wants to hang out with. My daughters are only allowed to go to a friends house if I know: Name, address, phone number. And they have to let me know each time they leave, and if they go somewhere with the friend or family once they're there, they have to call and let me know. It's a courtesy thing, plus I want to be able to get hold of them in case an emergency comes up at home. My girls will be 12 and 15 this summer.

I've thought about carting the handsets to our phones. They'd never be charged, but the main base is an answering machine/speaker phone so can be used if necessary. You have to just talk into the base--there's no handset short of using the cordless ones, so you can't leave the kitchen area, but she'd still have a phone.

This would mean she could still leave, but would limit some of her privacy on the phone while people were around.

Otherwise, I have to disconnect the whole thing from the wall, answering machine and all, which is more of a pain because then I can't get any of my own messages.

Also, DS has a cordless phone in his room (separate phone line). This will cease to be an issue when he goes to college this fall because I'll just remove the phone, but for now I hate to punish him for something he didn't do. So there's still a usable cordless when he's not around.

I'm afraid DD has been let run wild (not intentionally) for so long, that she's going to be tremendously hard to correct. She seems to have no sense of right and wrong (a lot like her father) and readily admits she doesn't believe in God, Heaven, Hell, or any of that anymore, because she's become "her own person" and can think on her own and not believe everything I tell her. This not only scares me to death, but complicates the issue tremendously because she seems to feel no guilt or remorse for disobeying me or any other authority figure. Teachers and school officials at her first HS couldn't even rein her in, and she used the "f" word on a cop once.

I just stand in a very sad sort of awe of what my baby girl who was so sweet and so caring and so kind-hearted has become once she reached puberty, had emotional swings, failed at school, and found the wrong friends. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> And I'm not trying to pin blame on my WH any more than on myself, but I do believe his lack of respect for people has set a bad example for her. He doesn't respect my feelings or the kids' feelings, and because she was "daddy's girl", she's picked right up on that. She also very much shares his personality and his sense of invincibility.

I dread the two months she's out of school this summer. I will probably try to send her to my mom's for a week if I can, and we have the week in Florida starting next Tuesday. I'd like to send her to a camp, but she will refuse to go, and I'm not going to fork out $350 on a credit card and then have her not attend. So there are a lot of weeks to fill.

I told her to stay home today since she went out last night (and I ended up having to pick her up downtown because her ride home fell through), but she informed me this morning that she WAS going out today.

Computer may go tonight. I told her I was going to start taking things away and she told me there is nothing to take away--that the only thing she has is the ability to go out with friends. She's semi-correct. She's very destructive to personal property (I do blame the impulsivity of ADHD on that), so her clothes are all drawn on and/or cut up, her computer though still works is covered with fingernail polish and match burn spots, and her stereo broke from being slammed around and she now uses DS's. I won't spend a bunch of money on fancy things for her, only to have her trash them. I fear for the new leather sofa and chair I just bought for the family room! She sliced holes in the arms of my previous recliner a couple years ago.

I hope none of you think I don't love this girl. I truly do. Many parents would have probably thrown their hands up and given up by now. Her dad is pretty much there. It works well for him that we're separated, because now he has to spend zero time around her, but gets to pick apart all my parenting faults. I'm not willing to give up. She's my baby and unless the state prys her out of my hands (which they well could if she continues on her path), she stays with me. I just don't want her to end up in jail or pregnant or on the streets as a runaway. I want to believe that someday she will work through all this and become a functional adult.

(I'd like to believe her father will become one of those as well someday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

LL

This is going to be quick...

I don't think the phone thing is that great an idea. It's the going out that is the problem anyways, so I think you should focus on that. The fact that she informs you that she is going out after you've asked her to stay in is way over the line!

And yes, it will be tough to rein her in, but it'll be way tougher if you don't. Tougher for you, and especially tougher for her - particularily once she's no longer a teen but an adult who thinks she can do anything she wants without facing any consequences.

The next time she says she IS going out after you ask her not to, why not tell her that you'll call the police and report her as a runaway. If the state gets involved, she'd be looking at a lot less freedom than if she just settles down and follows your reasonable rules.

Also, till she's over 18, she's a minor and you are legally responsible so it's non-negotiable that you know where she is and who she is with AT ALL TIMES. She doesn't like it? She can stay home.

Furthermore, don't take that crap from WH anymore. Next time he opens his mouth to pick apart your parenting, feel free to ask him how much parenting he's being doing lately. When he wants to come home and BE a FATHER, he can have an opinion on what kind of job you are doing. Till then, IMHO, he's acting like a 14yr old with authority problems and doesn't qualify to pass judgement on anyone or anything. (yeah, I'm angry about this)

Take care and God bless,

dewt

Oooops....

Sorry, that was me. Forgot to log in - Soulloss is Dylan and we are sharing pc now...

dewt