RR, how are you today? Are you still busy? Get some rests. Our fight is a long haul and needs energy. I hope you have a good day today.

I went to D's school for their field trip, but they didn't start yet, so I came over the libary. It is very nice here, except it is too cold for me. Talk to you later.

yeah, i'm still staying busy. i ended up going to bed at 630pm last night. but some people called after 8pm so that woke me up. i didn't answer the phone because it was phone #'s i didn't recognize. i feel a little more rested today. i don't know what it is, maybe it's because my anniversary is next week and i'm going to see my H in a few weeks, who knows.

i did pick up my truck after work yesterday. it looks great! they did a lot more than i thought they would. they totally cleaned it up even emptied the trash in the door side pockets and left me a bottle of water w/a note of thanks for the business. so i was very impressed. they told me someone would be calling in the next few days to do a survey on their business and i hope they do because i was very impressed by everything. it also feels very nice to drive MY truck. i was driving my friends small SUV and i didn't really like it even though it's almost brand new.

i've got a session w/SH tomorrow and of course i'll post on that afterwards. gotta go, prayers to all of you.

I can understand the sleep thing. I'm trying to catch up from last week's on-call week. Yet I got a call yesterday at 6AM, and I went ahead and took it because the customer was out of service and I was 60-90 minutes closer than the scheduled after-hours engineer.

But yeah, a lot of times, all I want to do is sleep.

Glad your truck is ok, I got one of my beaters back yesterday from a minor transmission fix.

Tony

it's hard to really decipher the whole sleep thing. i thought i was just really tired because i couldn't keep my eyes open at work and it was scary driving home, i kept closing my eyes and going off the road. yet, when i get into bed, it's like i wasn't tired. i definitely think i get enough "rack" time but not feeling rested lately.

i got your email tony will and email you a "book" probably tomorrow. i'm leaving work early today so that i can get over to the housing office on base before they close and see what listings they have.

God Bless, RR

You faith is so strong. I kind of slowed down in my prayers lately. I dont know why. Maybe i dont want to put my hopes too high...afraid that maybe my fate is somewhere else.

Last night i had a desperate need to contact WH...i posted it here...Ark and turtlehead told me not to so i guess i wont. Months ago i would have gone ahead and done it but since last month its everything post in MB first and get permission... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is so strange...i am asking strangers whom i have need met to decide the fate in my marriage. This is one point where my mother and the older relatives of mine do not understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RR, I remebered that somewhere I read that you are going to talk to SH again. When will it be? Is it for what to do when seeing your H? I will pray for you.

I haven't make appointment to talk to him yet. There is not much change in my situation. Unless I initiate a Plan B. I will sometimes next week. On the other hand, maybe Plan B will delay for a week or two. My brother may come over for the July 4th weekend. I will see how things go. If I go early, he will be totlaly excluded with our family.

zizzy, you said "You faith is so strong. I kind of slowed down in my prayers lately. I dont know why. Maybe i dont want to put my hopes too high...afraid that maybe my fate is somewhere else." of course i appreciate the encouragment and just wanted to say that we all have those fears that our fate is somewhere else. my guess is you probably slowed down on the prayers because of what's going on in your life, of course, it's very hard to keep the momentum in doing what we are doing.

when thinking about the "fate" thing maybe think about it this way, all Chrisitans believe that it is God's will to obey him. that is not disputed and can't be. however, how we obey him is disputed but anyway, i think it is definitely safe to say that it is God's will for your H to obey him and part of that is to end the A and repent. I'm sure that God is convicting your H, just how much i don't know (i don't know your whole story) and the same time hopefully softening his heart to you and to God. i also think of it this way that what better wives and husbands can we be now with all that we have gone through and that we have been brought closer to God, it is definitely God's will for us to have a walk w/him. so if we are the wives and husbands God wants us to be then why wouldn't he want you and your H to work thinks out, especially when kids are involved.

as far as prayer, well hopefully we all know and believe in the power of prayer and that the "effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." do you have a lot of people praying for you that you know of? it never hurts to have someone else added to the list of those who are praying for you. you don't have to go into details just that God's will be done in your M and your lives. If we can believe that God is who he is and all of what he's done to include sending his only begotten son to die on the cross, forgive us of our sins, and save us from hell then why would it be so hard to believe that God can work a miracle in our marriages? just something to think about.

good morning lost, i did have a session w/SH this morning and will post on my session thread on how that went. that does throw a twist in things if your brother is coming for the holiday weekend. i don't see any harm in waiting a couple more weeks but if you get to wear you are feeling so bad again then you may have to revisit the issue. schedule a session w/SH and see what he thinks about it and what he thinks about your plan B letter. otherwise just stay in plan A until plan B. continue to listen to the Bott radio network and pray. God Bless, RR

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

just posted my latest session w/SH boy it's long. but i also wanted to post the note that i will be sending to my H for our anniversary next week. who knows what he's doing, thinking or planning, maybe he's waiting for that day to file for D. i'm expecting that so at least i won't be totally heartbroken. anyway here is the note that i will be sending that i discussed w/SH in my session today.

told SH that i would be sending this note to my H for our anniversary (next thursday) and that i would be putting a couple of the phone bills w/it. the note said:

"I can't help but think of what we were doing eleven years ago june 17th. i was filled with such happiness and anticipation of becoming your wife that i couldn't sleep. i know you felt the same on that long flight from korea to utah (he was TDY at the time 6mos prior to our wedding day). With tears that glistened, my eyes fixed on you and thinking of the life we'd share. we both said "i do." memories were gathered that we will never forget. with many happy times gone by and others when we cried. with all the ups and downs we'be had in learning, i know in this heart of mine, i'd marry you again, taking you as my husband and you choosing me to be your wife. i love you, roughroad"

SH said the note was good. i asked him if i should put a separate note w/the phone bills because my H said he was going to take care of them but they are still coming to me. he said just to put a short note that says "i wasn't sure if you were aware i was still getting these, please call me if you have any questions."


anyway, gotta go, take care and prayers.

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

starting to look at places to rent, very sad but it's just something that has to be done. i need to get my dogs and i have a house full of stuff that i need to get moved in august. still kind of discouraging that there are not too many places that will take 2 dogs but i just keep praying that God will show me a place that is where he wants me to be.

i finally got some good sleep last night because i was able to sleep in this morning. have the day off due to the national day of morning but had to come to work to check email, etc. please continue to pray for me as i do for all of you. God is truly wonderful and will see us through anything if we let him. God Bless, RR

RR, where have you been? How are you doing? Miss you. Hope everything is fine with you.

yes, i'm okay. i've been out of office the past couple of days. i knew i was going to be but i thought i could still come in on monday and get caught up on the forums and tell everyone i would be away for a couple of days but i didn't get a chance to get to a computer until now.

i will be in the office tomorrow however and will give more of an update then. i have some good news and want to share w/everyone that the power of prayer is just that-powerful. but you'll have to check back tomorrow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care, God bless, and prayers to you all.

well, as i promised, i will let you all know what my good news is and as of right now i think the timing of it was done by God's hand in order to prepare me for today and to help me get through a recent message from my H.

anyway, the good news is that the Lord has provided me a place to live that I believe is pleasing to him. As you all probably can recall I'm living on a tight budget (aren't a lot of us) and was looking for a place that was $500 or less, that would allow my 2 dogs, and that would be in a stand alone place (no apartments, townhouses, duplex, etc.). well i thought i had found a place, it met all my criteria and the property itself was perfect (it was a little house w/a privacy fenced yard), the only thing was the location. on one side it was houses on a decent street but on the other side was a body shop, a store, a very busy main road, and diagonal was a sports bar. i was very trepidatious about this but kind of thought i wasn't going to find a place as good as this and time was getting short (was looking to move somewhere july 1st).

i saw this place last saturday and on sunday during sunday school when we take prayer requests, i raised my hand and asked for prayer regarding this place that i may have found to rent. after sunday school, someone (i haven't been going there for very long so i didn't know who he was)who was sitting across the aisle from me handed me a note that said he had a friend who had a small house for rent that was secluded and had a large yard and if i was interested to give him a call tonight and he would put me in touch w/his friend. so i call the guy from church sunday night and he said that he will try and get in touch w/his friend and bring me to see the place. i asked if having the 2 dogs was a problem and he said not at all.

so monday as soon as i got home from work the guy from church called me and he said he would come to where i live and pick me up and take me to this place for rent and his friend would be there shortly after. so he picked me up and drove me there and i had no idea what was in store for me.
my dear MB friends i can't tell you what my heart was feeling when we pulled up to this house. i knew it was the one, i knew this was God's will. it was off a busy road but was on a little gravel road that was secluded and i can only see one house from where i will be living but they are not close by any means.

it's a sweet little cottage like house. it had a garage and carport and a HUGE yard w/lots of trees. we peaked in the window before the owner got there and again, i knew this was the place. me and the guy from church sat down at the picnic table and chatted. the owner pulled up and he was maybe 2 years older then me at the most. but anyway, he showed me the place, central air, one bedroom, one bathroom, eat-in kitchen, and a little living room, a garage w/carport. he showed me around and told me stuff about the property lines, etc and then with my breath held i asked him how much the rent would be, he said $500. again, i knew this was God providing for me and as i fought back tears of joy we exchanged phone numbers and agreed that i would move in about the 5th of july.

me and the guy from church got into his car to leave and i just let the tears fall (as i am now) I knew he would understand and i just kept saying over and over that i couldn't believe it that it was perfect. of course the man from church did understand, he said that he was worried it would be too secluded for me and he said that i was in a good church and that why things were working out the way they were. i had never spoken to this man prior to this and hadn't even been going to that particular church for very long and then he said that if i needed any help w/the deposit to not worry about it that the church was great and that i might have to wait for 30 seconds before i was given help with that.

he even said that if i wanted to work on this side of the river (i work in st. louis but live in illinois) that his wife worked at a hospital and that it might take 2 phone calls and i would be hired. i thanked him for the offer that it was good to know that but that i actually did have a very good job. he said that i was doing a good job working w/the veteran's and that we were getting more and more of them each day and that we do need people out there to help them. he said that he was about 10 minutes away and now had his phone number and if there was anything i needed to let him know. we pulled up to where i live and he offered his hand, i shook it but gave him a hug too. i got out of the car and was just stunned as to what was happening in my life.

of course i prayed as soon as i got inside and thanked God and called my mom. i had to wait for her to call me back but when she did, i just let it all out. of course she did a fair amount of crying herself and wish she could come up and see it real soon. she even told me that she had been waiting to tell me something but that she had sold something at work and her commission was $600 and though she was still waiting for the check she said that she had already had decided that if i needed it to get a place of my own that it was going to be roughroad's.

dear friends, i just can't even begin to put into words the miracles God is working in my life, just the little things. i was so afraid that i had messed up so badly in my life and not being the wife that i should have been that i was afraid i wouldn't be given a second chance. but God is providing for me like he said he would and i just need to be more thankful and have more faith. you always hear the stories from people on TV or on the radio, in the newspaper or whatever about how God has provided for them in such specific ways and now i can add my name to that list.

as many of you know this is a difficult day for me, it's the first anniversary after dday. i know that many of you have experienced this occasion as well but you still can't fully understand what it feels like until it happens to you. today is my 11th anniversary. i thought i would be okay and i am okay but feel that the timing of the answer to my prayer for a place to rent maybe had more to do w/today and to show me again that things would be okay. i checked my email less than an hour ago and there was a message from my H. of course i wasn't expecting one at all. i can't remember the last time he emailed me and then to actually be on this day. this is what the email said.

"Hi roughroad,
I hope your day is going as well as it can be. I just want you to know that this
day will always hold significance in my life. I have some very fond memories
from the past. Unfortunately, circumstances have changed and I can not celebrate
this day as I once had. This is an important date in both of our lives, but now
we must move on and begin again. I know this is not what you want to read, but
it is time we both went foward and created a new future for ourselves. I hope
that someday you can achieve this and we can be friends for life. This date will
always hold a place in my heart as will you. WS"


i'm not sure what this email is really supposed to mean to me. i'm sure this is pretty typical from a WS for these special occasions. he did think of me today and that again was an answer to my prayer that he would think of me. i know so many of us are going through rough times, all the time, and there are new members are added each day. i want to thank you all for your prayers and please know that i continue to pray for you as well. i don't know what the future holds for me, i hope and pray that it hold for me to be w/my H and that our M to be saved but i just have to give that to the Lord and just take today and the message from my H as another bump in this "roughroad" and just continue to be the person I think God would want me to be.

God Bless all of you, RR

RR -

I'm reading your post and I'm just moved by your words of faith in God. You have inspired me today.

I'm so glad you found a place. You will be happy there and you deserve it!

I know that today will be rough for you and I will pray for you to have strength to focus on the good things in your life. Things that you might not have if all of this hadn't happened to you. I know your faith has grown during this whole process.

I offer one suggestion...stop focusing on this day as a day of mourning for your M...it's not over and you still have a chance at recovery. Focus on July 5th as the beginning of the rest of your life. Resolve yourself to be a better person knowing that in doing so you may or may not have your H back but you will be a better Roughroad...if that's possible. I already think you are incredible....can't see room for improvement but I'm sure you know where to start.

Your journey has been long and you are not the same RR you were when you came to these boards. I see that and others here see that as well. I hope you see it too.

I'm sending you my love and my prayers.

you know, you're right. i hadn't thought about it that way (a day of mourning), afterall it's not at all as bad as it felt on dday. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me right? not sure if i will have my dogs w/me when i come back on the 5th but it will definitely be a new beginning for me. of course i'm hoping that my H will see some of the changes in me when i go down there on the 1st but there's always a chance he may not even see me. i'm also hoping he will offer to bring the dogs up here or at least agree to it when i ask him. but i can't control him only me and i need to stay and be strong.

yes today is a special day, i'm still Mrs. roughroad and I'm still and will always be a child of God. thanks for suggesting to look at this day differently. as always, prayers to you.

just had another thought, well i've had it before, but the message my H sent me today was just one that was filled w/him trying to make himself feel better, i'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

Praise God!

Tony

Hi RR just figured I'd give you an update on my situation sorry to thread jack. My soon to be XW and I are moving to Plan D. I'm giving up on her life is to short and I don't think I could do recovery i.e. watching her go through withdraws over OM would put me in the padded room. I realize now that having no children is an advantage clean break so to say. My W has agreed to all the terms that I wanted in order to do the quicky online DV. I get the house and all the furnishings in it. She will get her truck with the debt associated with it and all the items she owned prior to our M. She keeps her 401k and I keep mine. So that's where I'm at and I don't feel bad about it since I found out that she cheated on me prior to our M.

Hey tinman,how ironic! i just did a quick note on your thread as well! so don't worry about the thread jack.

i am sad to hear that your are going more towards D. i guess i'm more of the mind frame that she's winning. you know if she filed and then you went along w/it then i wouldn't say she's winning. but maybe she has i don't know, i've been remiss in keeping up w/your thread because i didn't feel like i had a lot to offer (except prayers). but i am glad to know that you are at peace w/what you have done and are doing. that's what most of us BS say that we don't want to have regrets in this process and it doesn't sound like you do, so to that i am happy for you.

hope you still come here because you can still help. i don't come here as much or i guess i should say that i don't reply to as many posts as i used to. but occasionally someone will join who seems like they are in a similar siutation and i want to show my support as i'm sure you do. you are young, so am i, and life is short because none of us know that we will have a tomorrow. continued prayers to you, RR

How have you been lately? Have you been in contact with WS? What is yours like? Does he show that he is full of guilt etc etc?

Mine is full of guilt and hurt. He looks at me in shame...i could see it in this eyes. But at the same time his pride refuse to accept the mistakes of what he is doing and some how justifies it with something else.

I have been thinking about plan D alot...i think it shows in my postings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My deadline is coming up fast...end of July but i am wondering. Plan D sounds so easy yet at the same time i keep wondering if i have done enough saving this marriage. I guess it would be easier if WH actually does the filing but i do not think he will ever do that. He has been procastinating over this issue for 10 months now and counting.

In my last meeting he said his deadline is this month...which i doubt...he also said that he KNOWS he needs to make a decision soon. When???? I am still wondering... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

well the last time i talked to H was last friday, very briefly about the cellphone. you probably read the message he sent to me on our anniversary a few posts back. still says we need to move on separately. so without having a lot of contact w/him it's hard to say exactly how guilty he is. despite this whole A thing my H is a good guy, i guess that's part of why i'm sad often is to think that i had such a great husband and i just took him for granted and hurt him by being me.

next time i plan on seeing him is the weekend of july 4th. we live in separate states but not because of this. anyway, the soonest i would see him would be the night of july 1st. i honestly don't know how it's going to be, i haven't even told him i'm coming yet, plan to do that this week. my guess is he will make arrangments not to stay there while i'm there. that's what he did the last time i was there. but i did see him several times. don't know if that will be the case this time. i'm only going to be there 3 full days so we will see..........

thanks zizzy for checking up on me, i'm sorry if i haven't kept much up w/your story. i kind of limit myself to a few threads full-time because my only computer access is at work and if i posted as much as i wanted i would never get any work done. but i do think of you often especially w/the similar OW situation. i guess it's good to see the guilt in your H's eyes isn't it? although you and i know guilt is not enough, for if they were really convicted of what they are doing and what they should do we would be typing different posts wouldn't we?

i wish you continued strength for what you are going through. the whole timing thing is so relative. we BS don't want to have any regrets as i just said to tinman recently. you've been dealing w/this a lot longer than i have and you have a child so i cannot speak to everything in your situation. i just know that time can be our friend, God is truly amazing what he can accomlish to those who love him, and that no matter what we can't control our H's. personally, i cannot file for D and when/if my H does there's nothing i can do to stop it. but i can delay it and this is what i will do if it should come to that.

i hope that you are getting the support you need and send you continued prayers, RR