JL, thanks again.

I never purchased the books mentioned here but I did purchase the D busting book my Michele Davis...and I had previously printed out the EN questionnaires last fall. My W barely discussed either of them with me.

I had previously mentioned the Dr. Laura book to her and she basically said she would never pick that up to read. So, that says alot right there.

I have always been the one trying to save this...and I now realize it cannot work this way. Her main priority is her Career and always will be...her reasons were "I seemed to get more out of this than I was getting at home" or something like that.

I guess all along I was hoping she would turn the corner and open up to me....but she is not the same person I M nearly 10 years ago.....she has changed quite a bit.

I mean, the basic premise identified by Dr. Harley are non-existent in our R...honesty and trust to her mean nothing.....for all I know there is another man in her life back east when she is doing her internship. Who really knows what is going on?

Hi Nature,

I was just reading the post where you and your WW spent some time together and I got this creepy feeling half way through that the rug was going to be pulled out from under you.My WH did that to me before too.He would try to cozy up at times wanting to hug me and when I would let him,he suddenly would pull away as if he was thinking that he was being unfaithful to the homewrecker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But like JL suggested,I too am still heading toward a D.I have done all I can do,all the plans,all the reading,self introspection,counseling,you name it while WH keeps on seeing the homewrecker.My WH is not the same person I married 13 years ago either but nor am I the same.Difference is WH changed for the worse,not better.

My WH came home to see the children last night after his weekend away with the homewrecker and I noticed he hadn't had his wedding ring on(no surprise but it still hurt).I asked him where it was and he said in his pocket.Well,I'm sure you can guess what happened after that.I didn't LB but we had a long talk about HIM and why we are were we are in this mess.It just infuriates and pains me to keep enduring this crazy,hurtful behavior.My WH seems interested in me too at times,especially when he wants to talk but it's more like "friends" or something,as if we were never married.

Anyway,enough about me.I think you should stay the course.Your WW,like my WH,have exhibited no major breakthroughs or changes necessary for a marriage to recover.My WH is wrapped up in work too so I feel like if that's where he wants to spend most of his life,then so be it.Just keep sending me the paychecks.


O

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

OG, thanks for your insight. I don't why I felt I could still save this thing but I guess it is hard to let go a 13 year relationship and nearly 10 year M. You sound as if you are in a similar boat---but I do not believe my W is still with this OM (physically) but I do believe she is emotionally but she will not admit to this.

We spoke quite a bit last nite....she is unbelievable with her reasoning....sure, we recognize there are core issues between us (she has been unhappy for years, I do not support her career, lack of respect from my family--somehow this kills her, she feels threatened by me because of a few LB's I have done, I tell her I want to help her but she needs to help me--but she can't talk about the A since she does not feel safe, etc.)....but overall she rambles on that the core issues led her away....of course, hearing the BS kills me....there is no way I will accept the fact that infidelity is okay, sorry, done with that one long ago....you broke the marriage sacrament, not me.

We are done, fini, THE END.

Nature,

The promising fact is that you and your WW have a history together. But EVERYONE has core issues and jumping into the next relationship is not going to solve problems she may feel were part of your marriage.That is why it is a great idea to keep within the marriage and grow and learn from that relationship.If everyone exchanged one partner for the next everytime problems came up and the couple didn't work on them,we would have a much higher D rate but as it is,it is already dismal at a stable 50% for many years.That goes to show you that people still aren't facing the issues in their marriage like they should be.They are taking the easy way out and starting "anew" as if that is the solution.

I also see the major problem in my marriage as being that my WH never guarded his heart to protect himself from an A.He was always in the mix of men and women being in his line of work so A's are rampant.It's a "cesspool" of cheating,lies and failures.

But,we as a BS can only do the work ourselves for so long and then we lose OUR dignity,integrity and respect.Everyone has the capapcity to CHANGE so blaming a person's "core" issues is lame.That may be the new justification statement of the times.Like "soulmates" was recently or still is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I realy understand how the thought of letting a marriage go is hurtful.I have been married 13 years and together with my WH 20YEARS! My WH is about to risk it all for someone he thinks he knows.He is still in fantasyland.We can only hear so much fog talk for months and then we have to believe in : ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

I told my WH this just the other night and he shakes his head at me.I tell him that he has thrown me some bones here and there like he knows he "has to end the A",and "I wouldn't be here talking to you if I thought it was over for us" BUT he never changes or does a thing to help our marriage,including the most important thing: STOP THE ADULTERY.

Being a martyr and staying in a marriage where there is continued adultery does no one any good but the betrayer.That's where my thoughts are. I AM NOT failing this marriage,my WH IS.There is the difference.I may end up going through with a D but it is NOT my failure,it rests solely on my WH's shoulders for doing nothing to change it.I have to show my daughters that this is not how a husband treats a wife.

Hang in there nature.I know you will do what you feel is right.

O

Words of wisdom from OG, thanks.

I know what I need to do....and so do you. Maybe these idiots will come out of SELFISHLAND at some point but we will be far gone by then.

I am saddened to hear your WH continues with his trickery and deception....I also feel the same way...as my W says this morning, nothing is going on....and I say prove it to me...how can I believe you after all of the lying and dishonesty? I want to help you, but I need you to help me? She says she does not feel safe with me to talk about things (yet) because of the LB's over the last 10 months....she has no clue, empathy or understanding as to how her actions have made me feel. This is my core issue between us.

My guess is their hearts are elsewhere after going outside the M boundaries....excuses after excuses do not cut it any longer..time to move on to bigger and better things for us.

Good luck and thanks once again.

I forgot to add that my W is also involved in a career where she spends alot of time away from me in a very social environment of wining/dining/business meetings with many men and attractive women....and infidelity is rampant in this business....we actually discussed this about a year ago (prior to D-Day).

So, you are correct...if people accept this behavior and can tolerate it then it seems to them they are doing nothing wrong to their spouse. Now, my W has apologized but I never, ever felt she was remorseful....and she never was able to open up to me....she of course adds "because we were not talking/communicating for years, so how would we all of a sudden talk about this"....or something like that.

Foggyland is existing and has been for awhile....but I will take no more BS...I have myself to protect now....and so do you....march forth with your proceedings.