When my H and I first went to MC with our pastor (we also had a secular MC – we used every resource we could find), he told us that the marriage we had before my A was not worth saving, that we should consider it dead and start rebuilding a new M. That makes sense, and seemed true at that moment, but as the months went by, I began remembering things like when our children were born and other special events, and I realized that those were still part of US and our M. I felt like our past couldn’t and shouldn’t be completely erased.
My son got married last year, and it was SO wonderful to visit his new house with his new wife and be there with my OLD H!!!! I was overwhelmed by what a merciful God has done for me. God’s word says He forgives me, but he also gave my H the ability and desire to want to forgive me, and has kept my family intact.
Right after d-day, I read a book by T.D. Jakes called “Daddy Loves His Girls.” While reading it, my prayer was that God would take what I had done that was meant for evil and use it for good, and that He would restore what sin had destroyed in my life. (There is a really cool prayer on page 45 of that book that changed my life!).
Twenty-two months later, my testimony is that God has done just that! My H and I do still have our sad days, and we have issues of course. He still has triggers that he has to deal with. For obvious reasons, it turns out that I am his biggest trigger. Just seeing me makes him sad sometimes. Healing has been a very long, slow process. He has times when he finds it hard to forgive me, but he is really trying. He has turned to God for guidance in his life.
I’ve read on this board where BS’s were in the first, worst stages of trying to recover, and they said they were afraid (or believed) that they would never enjoy life again, old hobbies, etc. I wanted to write (but have been chicken to, since I am the FWS) that I felt that same way even up to a year after d-day. I was devastated, depressed, and in despair. I had always enjoyed nature, but for a year, looking at the moon or flowers just made me feel worse. I felt like I had ruined everything forever. Slowly but surely, I was able to get back on my feet, though. Like I wrote above, my H and I used all the resources we could find. Prayer, church classes, MC, IC, books, friends, and family.
For a year, except for going to therapy and church, I was essentially nonfunctional. I was unable to go to school or work. Then, one morning last summer, I woke up and just knew it was time to return to school. A few months later when I was walking to my car after a night class, I looked up and saw a glorious full moon. I was overcome by the beauty and power of nature for the first time since d-day! It was SO wonderful. I felt like the moon was mine again. I can enjoy nature again, just as strongly as ever. It is AMAZING to me when I realize how much better I feel than I did a year ago. I just graduated from college (although I am not a young person – I raised a family first) and am working part time.
I didn’t mean to ramble on so, but I wanted to offer hope to people who are completely in despair right now. I don’t want to sound preachy, but I really believe that no matter what happens with your M, you’ll be safe if you surrender to a loving God.
Thanks for your time. Rose
