Grace, he NEVER reads MB. Never. I had to stand over him when he made that first post.

I was also very surprised when he wanted to read the Affair World. I've always told him about Idiotville (which he thinks is as stupid as Pio thinks it is) but he's never wanted to talk with anyone.

Reading it again has made me take a real double take. We were SO HAPPY and so recovered.

Jen,

IF I were running your life or your H's I know what I would do, and want to happen. I am not. I wish you and Rob the best and I hope against hope that finally you understand the gifts you have been given and one of them is NOT having OM in your life.

I am sure you will do the right thing and it is to make your life a success.

God Bless,

JL

JL, you are so right.

I was IMing with Jelly (KYellow) and I said to her "I don't even KNOW the OM." Seriously, I have no idea what he's like when he's not being a charming OM. He's not the schoolboy I knew, so really I don't even know him.

I do understand the gift I've been given.

Thank you so much Imanotherone for saying everyone is pulling for us.

How do I bring the subject up. I don't want my marriage to end, I don't want him to worry that I'm going to run off with the OM. But how will he trust me?

Jen - He will trust you when you TELL him. The longer the secret goes on, the worse it will be.

Courage to you.

He won't trust you for a very long time if you tell him. And I'm guessing it might be the start of a 'different' marriage where you need to be checked up on and held accountable.

Rob needs to be protected, Jen; he is the victim here, not you and not the OM. He needs to be protected from you and the OM.

He has a right to this information and every day you do not tell him is another day you lie to him and manipulate him. You say you don't want to "hurt him again?" That is bullcrap and you know it. Because you already did hurt him.

You don't care a damn about that or you wouldn't have resumed your affair. What you care about is your own skin and your own skin only. You don't want to face the consequences of your devastating behavior. If you cared about Rob, you would tell him NOW and stop thinking about yourself. Knock it off, Jen.

Go tell the man and stop playing this cruel game with someone else's life. The only way to make this right is to tell this man the truth. You compound the crime every minute that you allow this lie to go untended.

Yes, Kiwi brought it 2 my attn. I already responded to her.

My question to you G is why r u on such a mission regarding Kiwi and her H? This is something Jen has to decide. We can encourage her t/d so but that's about it.

Yea,.....it's a free world and we can all say what we want, yada yada yada....but your posts me me wonder.

L.

Why are you questioning my rather mild post, Orchid?

Gracie,

I posted the above 2 u because on the other thread, you said Jen's post brought you to tears..... Mel didn't.

L.

Dang you guys.

I saw this thread,
& you got me all interested and excited in a positive way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thought the confession was made and Rob was here defending his lady (or somethin like that). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Then I click on and its all a trick. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I've been bamboozled by a post from years back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Ya Got Me!
Darn all the Luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Actually,
really Wish this Was a More Recent post from him.
Get your courage up girlfriend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jen...

You asked how to start in telling him...Tell him like you told us...He's your best friend, he's on your team...Tell him that your first thoughts were to not tell him...You even had thoughts that you were protecting him by not telling him...but that you've since realized that those were selfish thoughts and you know he deserves to know every part of you...warts and all...that you know that he deserves the truth about his life...that you played a game of Russian roulette with your marriage and his heart...because you wanted so badly to see that you were strong enough to be around the OM with no feelings occuring...but you now see that that was a selfish desire...tell him the facts...Jen, tell him what you would want to know if the situation were reversed...and be honest with yourself about that...I obviously don't know Rob, but from reading his above post he seems to be a compassionate and understanding man...you can do this Jen...and you have to...obviously for Rob, but also for you...you know that unless and until you do you will never have the intimacy that a marriage is intended to have...you had that intimacy in early recovery...you remember how good that felt...give that back to your marriage...Most often the dread is worse than the duty...Tell him the truth, then tell him you are sorry and that you love him...simple, not easy...Prayers for you...

Best,

Mrs. W

Jenny you said exactly these words with equal vehemence in january 2005 after your 'closure' problems.

IMO its time for you to realise that OM will never be gone while you feel that 'pull' that you admit to.

He will play you like a drum any time he wants to. Because you WANT him to play you like a drum. I think you WANT him to obsess about you.

You will never be happy in your mariage to Rob until you lance this boil.

I don't want my marriage to end, I don't want him to worry that I'm going to run off with the OM. But how will he trust me?

If you tell Rob about this but add "but it will never happen again" you KNOW that will be a lie.

You have to tell Rob: " this happened Rob, and if you can I neeed you to help me prevent this from ever happening again".

Yorr living a lie while carrying a candle for OM is SURELY more pervasively cruel and hurtful than telling him the facts NOW jen.

Or is the "unsatisfying and dull life" with Rob just TOO comfortable for you to risk by being honest ? Is THAT the real reason why you don't want you rmarrige to end ? Temporary comvenience? If so that is the foulest cake-eating Jen, and you know it. Don't disguise it as 'not wanting to hurt Rob'. If that was your priority you would have never escalated contact with OM.

I went for a meal with a colleague in Stuttgart the other night. He told me he'd lived a lie for many many years in his marriage, keeping up a sporadic A for almost half their marriage. One day him OW arranged a dinner with him, and also invited his W, witout telling him.

The OW told the BW everything, not to punish the WH but to STOP PAIN in all their lives of living a lie.

There was no divorce though it was close and there is now ZERO contact, having taken extraordinary measures. But both WH and BW had the choice to divorce or work, honestly.

Tell Rob. Lance the boil. You are too decent a person to live for long with all that emotional pus rotting away in your heart jen.

Get it over with. There is no way to polish a turd. No clever words or delivery strategy will help, not if you tell the WHOLE truth. Does Rob know OM will "always have a pull on you" ? I bet he doesn't.

{{{jen & Rob }}}

Jen,

Could you write him a letter? Could you tell him everything in your heart?

Do you love him Jen? Enough to pull the knife out of his back? Enough to humble yourself by showing him that him having the truth is worth more than your fear?

Do you want to stay married to this man and have a great love, intimacy and union?

Don't you see that this will wedge a separation in your marriage which will detroy it from the inside out?

Meeting with the OM is forgivable Jen, but putting yourself above another human being by withholding info which they have a right to is not, in my opinion.

Besides that is how we grow in self-worth Jen, by being worthy.

If you come to him with this yourself, it is liable to bring you closer together and be a new start for both of you (together).

ML and BP... Right on the money. KiwiJ... stop playing this game with your H... he deserves better than what you are offering him... he does not deserve a WW for a partner... and I will repeat what I said before... until you confess... you are a WW.
There seems to be a desire to harm him... not protect him as you say. You KNOW that every moment that you spend with him is a new lie. You seem to crave the attention this ordeal has afforded you... people are all of a sudden paying attention to you. Please, give your H and your M the best shot you can by being honest. All the 2 x 4 carrying people here, including myself will be pulling for you AFTER you let Rob make a decision about his life. Because until you do that, you do not deserve to be called a W.
I wish you luck... but mostly I hope that Rob will be able to get over the betrayal and continued betrayal of your lies. He is the one that I am worried about until you confess. Right now you are not the patient... you are the cancer that needs to be removed from him... tell him the truth and you are again important in this equation.

Wow...I have to admit I was reaching down for the 2x4 myself but reality is I have nothing new to add Kiwi...nothing. If placed in your H's shoes, AT THIS POINT in my recovering (I believe recovery will last a life time, recovered will not be used in my vocabulary, just saying recovery is painful) and reconciled remarriage will end. Such dishonesty is a deal breaker for me and if I were Rob (and we know I am not)I would be gone, even when you did come clean...and that is what you're protecting yourself from (in my humble opinion). You're protecting yourself from him leaving you as many would, perhaps even including yourself if the roles were reversed...

Agree, Send, and as it is he is being denied the right to make that decision by Jen's continual deceit. He is the only one who has the right and is qualified to make that decision. He is being manipulated into staying in a marriage he may not want to be in.

oh dear

let's hope the lungs and liver can withstand another disclosure/recovery round

Pep

Jen,

You've already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet. He will find out eventually whether YOU tell him or not.

Honey, you've been here long enough to know when you made the choice to be in contact with OM you were hurting your husband. There was a moment you could have made another (better) choice, but your taker won right in the face of the glaring and predictable consequences you are now facing.

As to the HOW to tell him. I would do it face to face. I would use extraordinary care, I would be radically honest about your addiction to OM and make no promises that you cannot keep.

IOWs, allow your husband to make his own choices based on the TRUTH. Truth being you are weak when it comes to the other man and cannot guarantee NC. IMHO, if you don't come completely clean on this you are still manipulating your husband and impacting his right and freedom to HIS choices based on TRUTH.

God Bless you with the strength to do the right thing Jen and to revisit what you strive to stand for.

Jo

I realize I'm stating the obvious, but marriage is a 50/50 deal Jen.

Rob has a right to know so he too can decide if he wants the same regarding HIS marriage to you.

I feel your pain and anxiety about being honest with Rob. But it will knaw at you until you come completely clean.

Dear Kiwi

Several posters have said in their posts after your renewed contact that they would have considered the deal braker to be broken and would have gone for D. I suppose these posts adds to your fear of breaking the news to your H.


I did write that in your H's shoes I would have been willing to stay M to you on certain conditions, summed up as you demonstrating in practice that your loyalty is now with the BS and the M. This demonstration could be acts like confronting the OM with your H present, informing the OMW with your H present and so on.


I see the renewed contact as primarily a broken loyalty. There were no sexual acts, there were no promises given. But by speaking to the OM and being nice to him and spending time with him you were very disloyal to your H and to your M.
A part of you knew this all the time yet you kept on. There were most likely also subtle signals from you in your voice, eyes and body language that communicated the attraction you felt and how high you still held the OM.


Your H's feelings towards the OM can be clearly seen in the first post in this thread and they were well known to you. So I see this primarily as a disloyal act and a breach of trust. And these areas of your M and your bonds to your H are where you should be prepared to focus on after he learns of what has happened. So I would suggest that you plan ways to demonstrate LOYALTY.


All your posts prove that you have much knowledge and wisdom in these matters. Like most of us you find it much more difficult to apply these recourses to your own situation. That is why I feel that my contribution may perhaps be of help to you. And my point is that in this situations the healing power of your words initially will be very low. I would expect that the only options with any convincing power left to you would be acts. Acts to match the words. So be prepared to give him acts. Acts to prove loyalty. Plan them. Use your imagination and see what you can come up with. Be prepared.


There are very many here who wish the best for you, your H and your M. Have currage! God bless your fight for your M!